To no longer lend anything to anyone. Ever.

[Brainbleach]

I've just got a bag out of my cupboard that was last used by a friend when I lent it to her and its bloody broken. The strap is missing and the clasp has been snapped off, though of course this wasn't mentioned when it was returned.

I think this is happening more and more, either things are coming back broken, or they're taking months to get back, or they're not coming back at all. I'm sick of it.

WIBU to implement an absolute rule of not lending anything to anyone? It seems a bit uncharitable but I'm fed up with effectively buying things for other people all the bloody time.

To brainbleach - can I ask - how can you not notice until now that your bag is broken etc?! Why didn't you notice when it was returned to you? Your post sounds like you had this bag returned to you and you shoved it in your cupboard - not noticing the damage - in that sense, you don't sound like you cared much for it. You'd have had more comeback if on getting said bag back immediately or soon after you could point out damage to friend.

Another lending story - my mum remembers lending my Silver Cross pram to some other parent friends years ago and not getting it back and being quite upset as it was a family heirloom!

Thanks Notquiteperfect, the trouble us I'm always worried about offending people or them thinking badly of me, but clearly they don't give me the same courtesy so sod em! I'm gonna really try cos people have walked all over me my whole life and it's got me nowhere, I just don't think it will come easily but I have to set DS a better example than this, I'd hate for him to be as timid as me.

I think bad borrowers need to have a lightbulb moment where they realise they're not good at remembering to return or generally looking after things and at that point stop borrowing. I know I've had that moment. A good friend recently offered to lend me her bike to see if I liked cycling enough to buy one and I said no, even though I'd have loved to. Same went for tents and camping. Loads of people have offered to lend but I fear that we won't look after them properly. I obviously would prefer to be a good borrower but I'm not and I value my friendships.

I don't tend to check things over when they're returned as I used to trust people to return them in the condition they were given out. This bag in particular was returned in its dust bag so was put away, it certainly wasn't "shoved in my cupboard". I don't use it often as its an occasion bag and haven't had occasion to use it of late so didn't notice the damage.

I don't expect comeback, I expect things to be looked after, or at the very least people to say they've broken stuff and apologise (I would never take money for a replacement as I accept accidents happen).

Frankly being accused of not caring for something when I have stored it properly as a way for the person who broke it weaselling out of their responsibility to not break it smacks of victim blaming.

No need to have a go at me! I wasn't accusing you, just questioning you.

I didn't know it had a dust bag, had thought it had been returned sans dust bag.

I agree - you shouldn't have to look over items when returned. But if it was an expensive bag I would look over it when returned. But that's me.

I am the same as you, I trust people to return items lent in condition I lent it to them.

Brainbleach - as it is an expensive bag - sometimes makers (eg LV. Prada etc) repair straps etc for a charge - you send them away etc.

In this case I'd ask friend to help cover cost (beware she may say no) of these repairs.

If not, then it can be salvaged. And I am sorry for your bag to come back damaged, I would be furious. Sorry if I came off as unsympathetic.

I used to be very free and easy with my stuff...... not any more, I like you got sick to the back teeth of my precious things being wrecked and never replaced.

My neighbour came round to borrow my lawn mower the other day,and I just said...No, sorry, we can't afford a new one if it breaks,as I know she would never have replaced it. It felt really good, and I didn't spend the whole afternoon chewing my nails about what she was doing with my mower!

Sorry I came off as indignant - I'm more cross than I would be as its the bag I used on my wedding day and lent (as the something borrowed) for hers.

I will see if it can be repaired and swallow the cost, but have learned my lesson!

I lent a chair to a friend who had divorced and was setting up her own home. She knew it was only on loan and that I wanted it back. She then moved away and I lost touch. Seven years later she sent me a Christmas card, she's back in the same town as me. So I contacted her and asked for the chair. She'd given it to her daughter when she was a student, the daughter had left it behind when moving flats. My 'friend' didn't seem at all bothered.

I do lend books to one particular friend who is very careful with them. She always makes sure I have my name in them, and sticks a Post-it in the front with the date she borrowed it. I usually get them back within a week or so.

We have a much-loved campervan. Various friends and family have asked if they can borrow it for holidays or weekends away. We just say no and give them the details of a campervan hire company

Pirate, tell him to fuck off. Honestly, you are teaching your son to be a mug.

My friend has lent me several maternity tops and dresses and I'm PARANOID that something will happen to them! I think that she was lovely to offer them but honestly they're causing me more stress in case I drop food down them or shrink them!

I'm just going to wash them and put them away for v occasional use (plus keep a list of them so I remember to return them!)

I'm trying to think why I feel so terrible about lending stuff.

I think it goes back to when I was at primary school. I was really careful with my stuff, loved having colouring pencils and so on - they weren't posh but they were all there, iykwim! And the other children always wanted to borrow my things, and didn't take care of them so I started saying no - and then I got horrible comments and nasty looks.

So I started giving everyone everything. People wanted to have my crisps, fine, they all took as many as they liked - till there were none left. The teacher saw me and said, stop being so generous.

It's a difficult balance. But I always recall other children asking for my things, not because they were any better than their own things but because I always had them with me. And it taught me to keep quiet about what I have, because people can be so resentful of others having things.

Even now I've had parents come to collect their children from a party and stand in my house, saying 'it's not fair, you're a single parent, you shouldn't live in a nice house like this'.

They don't realise that it is the cheapest flat I could find because it was such a shithole when we moved in. One of them offered us one of his houses to rent, a few months ago, thinking we would be able to afford it - we couldn't, it's DOUBLE what we pay.

I hate the idea that he, or other people were thinking we can afford that much and resenting me for it. Hopefully I have set him straight now.

Practice saying, 'No, that doesn't work for me,' over and over till it rolls off your tongue. It is the only response you need to these cheeky feckers.

And look for the Mexican house thread to learn to stand up for yourselves.

These 'borrowers' are bullies apwho think the world owes them. And it does-a knuckle sandwich.

DH leant his sister a load of money a few years ago now as when her exH left her she almost lost her house. DH didnt want to see his nephews without a roof over their heads but it was on condition she would pay it back.

Since then she has remortgaged twice to pay off her credit card debt.

DH has agreed never ever to lend her anything again. She is a total piss taker as she's also had cash from their younger sister and the PIL too and hasn't even made any token gesture of trying to repay anyone.

propably a good idea to only lend things you don't really care about

I made the one and ONLY error of judgement - yes its a Bridezilla story.

bridezilla asked if she could " borrow" something from me, and me in my naive stupidity lent her a beautiful gold chain because I thought it would look lovely with her wedding dress. Like so many people posting here, the only thing even remotely like an apology was her telling me after I raised the subject of "please can I have my chain back" - oh sorry I put it down somewhere on my honeymoon and cant remember where it was. Someone probably stole it" jeeze was I stupid and naive.

Actually, I reckon she loved that chain so much she just decided to keep it. I feel sick to the stomach even now.

But one mistake was all it took and I NEVER lend anything to anyone, I just dont want to test friendships that far!!!

Wasn't there a thread on here a while ago about someone who was getting grief from someone who wanted to borrow her wedding dress?

Yes, one MNer had a colleague who's DD had seen wedding pics of the MNer and wanted to borrow the dress. Neither the DD or the mum would take no for an answer and went on to harrass the MNer.

Oh yes CruCru, wasn't it a colleague who had a daughter getting married and she'd seen the OPs weding dress on FB pics? She was bombarding her with emails and telling her how selfish she was because she couldn't afford this dress but wanted it anyway and the OP was greedy to keep it just because she could afford it

Bit of a deviation here but talking of the 'mindset' of people and how it develops, i do think that if you haven't learned basic things by a certain age (mainly empathy) then you have missed the opportunity. Returning/looking after peoples things boils down to empathy really and if you don't have it you just will never get it. I used to teach some geography to yr9 kids and once i did a lesson on the geography of crime. It had some 'talking heads' all tell a story from a different perspective. The story was a woman walking thru a park at 4pm and 3 teens snatched her bag, one said lets grab it and the other 2 got swept along. The lady got pushed and fell and broke her back. Anyway, the lady has to give up work, her husband does too to care for her, her son fails his exams, lots of locals stop going to the park, the boys all got 3-6month custodial sentences. After hearing the tales i asked whether the kids think this is 'fair'. 50% of the class were utterly indignant, ranting 'that's not fair at all miss blah blah' and i think good some empathy. Then one said, 'those boys did nothing wrong...' I stopped and said what do you mean? Then it emerged they were all feeling sorry for the bag snatchers; all they did was grab the bag, the stupid lady held on to it so she fell over it was 'her own fault'. They also said she shouldn't be in a park on her own - what did she expect. I was utterly speechless. They weren't showing off, they genuinely felt this. When i said 'do you think it's right to take something from someone else, just because you want it?' they looked at me like i was barking; of course 'why should someone else have something better than mine just because they have a job or can afford it' etc. When i asked if they had something nice was it fair that someone took it from them if they just fancied it? They were furious ay the suggestion. 'No Miss, because that is mine . I really hoped by 13yo the concept of fairness would be understood. :(

Koala - that certainly explains a lot of people I've had the misfortune to come across.