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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer lend anything to anyone. Ever.

122 replies

Brainbleach · 11/08/2013 09:07

I've just got a bag out of my cupboard that was last used by a friend when I lent it to her and its bloody broken. The strap is missing and the clasp has been snapped off, though of course this wasn't mentioned when it was returned.

I think this is happening more and more, either things are coming back broken, or they're taking months to get back, or they're not coming back at all. I'm sick of it.

WIBU to implement an absolute rule of not lending anything to anyone? It seems a bit uncharitable but I'm fed up with effectively buying things for other people all the bloody time.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 11/08/2013 21:08

I have loads of these from my old friendship group. I was considered reaaally uptight if i asked for something back or if it was broken i would just be told 'nah i broke it so binned it' no apology. One friend borrowed some cds and dvds and when i went round her flat they were all on the floor where she had dropped them as she removed them from the players. I said 'erm aren't they my things' as she was walking on them and she just shrugged and laughed and said 'probably'. Another friends brother 'borrowed' my new £100 jacket. I put in on her coat rack and he was staying, liked it so took it when i went to leave (after he'd gone out for the night) i realised it was gone, friend laughed and said 'x will have taken that if he likes it' and he would just laugh at me and say there's no such thing as ownership as if he was philosophical every time i asked for it back - then he lost it, oh well - apparently i shouldn't get so hung up on material things (funny only people with fuck all say that isn't it!).

At work once a colleague asked to borrow my bowl to have her soup in. So i said fine. A minute later she returned and asked if i had another one. I said what happened to the one i just gave you? and she said 'oh i just dropped it, do you have another one because i'm really hungry' i said 'but you broke my bowl Shock (obviously waiting for an apology)' and she replied, getting annoyed 'YES, i just said that, but what am i going to eat my soup from now' Shock

Another time i went on hols to a villa with friends and their 20 mates. None brought towels or sun cream and just kept helping themselves to mine. I woke to people rifling thru my drawers and said what are you doing they answered as if i was an idiot 'looking for your towels'. They would keep saying 'koala, pass the suncream' i would say you mean MY suncream, and they'd roll their eyes. If i said no i was 'well out of order' and everyone would be angry with me. I had packed towels for washing and towels for the beach but they all just got soaked and covered in sand. It was a miserable holiday.

As you can see i am still bitter and incredulous at how others behave.

RenterNomad · 12/08/2013 08:10

Blimey. I'm really sorry now for the naivite of my post about lending things out, but, honestly, I haven't had anything like this. These examples are really shocking! Sad

ArtVandelay · 12/08/2013 08:41

Oooh this makes my blood boil, some people are just so cheeky. Someone I used to know used to try all different kinds of subterfuge and emotional blackmail to get her mitts on my sewing machine. Including asking in front of other people and then whining when I said no (embarrassing for all). I'll always be proud of myself for standing firm because I would have never got it back or she would have let her kids smash it up. I think there is a strong correlation between level of cheekiness in asking and level of care given to the borrowed item.

kelda · 12/08/2013 08:47

YANBU. I don't borrow anything from anyone either, because I would feel awful if it got lost or broken.

Rooners - I certainly wouldn't lend camping equipment either - it has to be looked after properly and that might not happen at a sleepover.

I really hate it when people give me clothes/books and then ask for them back suddenly when I had assumed that they had been given as gifts.

Groovee · 12/08/2013 08:50

I loaned our pop up gazeebo to someone who broke it. Was gutted!

RenterNomad · 12/08/2013 09:02

I don't suppose they bought you a new one, Groovee?

Or did they say they wouldn't have borrowed one if they could afford to buy? Hmm

patienceisvirtuous · 12/08/2013 09:02

I have been thinking about this recently. I am owed small amounts of money from a few friends (three specifically). Twenty pounds here and there. When they borrowed it I didn't mind at all, but none of it has been forthcoming. A couple of them have said to me, I must give you that money next time I see you. Still nothing.

And at the time (over a year ago) I was single and paying all my own bills, they were married and financially better off than me.

I feel a bit resentful if I am honest. I have just written the money off but I will not be lending them money again.

snooter · 12/08/2013 09:49

I lent maternity clothes to my SiL - when she gave them back they were unwashed & smeared in make-up - urgh!

My F-L once borrowed a chainsaw from our garage - we were away abroad for six months & he was looking after the house. He broke it, tried to fix it but the part was obsolete it & so put it back without saying anything. He was very embarrassed to discover it was actually my father's chainsaw that was on long-term loan.

Redlocks30 · 12/08/2013 10:37

How did you know it was him, snooter? Did he fess up?!

expatinscotland · 12/08/2013 10:38

yanbu.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2013 10:41

i never borrow, either.

ChasedByBees · 12/08/2013 11:15

Bloody hell, most of these are actually theft. No such things as possessions Hmm

snooter · 12/08/2013 12:17

redlocks - my husband just KNEW it would have been him - he's a terrible fiddler & interferer - challenged him & he admitted it.

Also while he was looking after the house he used the hosepipe for something or other, decided it was too long & cut it in half!!!!! How can a hosepipe be too long FFS?

musicismylife · 12/08/2013 13:48

I have lent, let's call her 'sue' the following:
CDs
Money
Bike Pump
DVDs
Books
A top which I had borrowed from another friend. Friend was not in so I went around to see 'Sue' and mistakenly, left top at Sue's House. Apparently, 'Sue's' dog chewed it up Hmm

It made me laugh because when 'Sue' came around to visit, she noticed a book on my bookshelf (the only book I'd borrowed a week earlier) and said 'I'll take that', all matter-of-factly!

She's a cheeky mare!

katydid02 · 12/08/2013 13:51

YANBU. I won't lend anything but I also won't borrow anything either. It's too much hassle.

Inneedoftea · 12/08/2013 14:12

Oh these are terrible! I've never had any problem with big things but had loads of sunny beach holidays with friends when I was a young single lass and had the suncream/aftersun lotion thing, Mrs Koala. You know, when you have carefully packed enough of the brand you like for yourself to cover the two weeks and then they keep using it. Used to especially piss me off with the aftersun as one friend would constantly say, whilst applying bloody liberally all over her burnt body, 'oooh i really will get some of this and you can use it!' Grrrrrrr! Angry

ShadowMeltingInTheSun · 13/08/2013 07:18

YANBU.

I lent a book to a friend a while back after she'd seen it on my bookshelf and went on about how much she wanted to read it etc. When she hadn't returned it after a few months I asked how she was getting on with it - she'd only finished reading it and then given it to a charity shop Angry Apparently it had never occured to her that I might want my own book back after she'd read it.

After this and some other bad experiences - fortunately only with small stuff - I no longer lend out anything unless I really don't care whether or not what happens to the thing being lent.

LavaLamp67 · 13/08/2013 07:27

We lent friends our portable dvd player for the car for when they went on a long trip. Friend phones me just before they get home to tell me that their car had been broken into and it had been stolen, along with a sorry tale of all their CDs, DVDs and valuables taken too. She was in tears and everything on the phone.

I felt so sorry for them I went round when they were home (unannounced) and took her some flowers only to see my DVD player sitting on her dining room table.

Roshbegosh · 13/08/2013 07:33

I think it's hard to say no when asked, you don't want to be arsey or to fall out but how do you nicely say no?

Oblomov · 13/08/2013 07:37

I lent to a MN'er who was in a bit of a desperate state. I so wished I hadn't. All the bits came back in dribs and drabs. And the towels, she lost. And replaced with poor quality tiny one's. Dh was NOT happy.

ithaka · 13/08/2013 07:41

My sister lent a family a big family tent. When DH&I were skint, I asked my sis if I could borrow their tent to go camping. She said she had lent it out years ago, it had never been returned & it was now so long he was embarrassed to ask for it back.

Well, I phoned the woman and asked for my sister's tent that they had borrowed back. They still had it and had obviously come to think of it as 'theirs'. In fairness, she was mighty mortified & did return said tent with wine, chocs & apologies. But why not just return it after their holiday? Why wait so long and have to be asked? I just don't get the mentality of some people.

Rooners · 13/08/2013 08:34

I think it's a bit like possession being 9/10ths of the law.

Once someone HAS something - and you have agreed that you do not need it yourself for that period of time - they sort of morph this in their brains into your not needing it full stop, so why on earth would you want it back, when they are happy to give it a good home?

I think that is what happens.

Lavalamp - I hope you got your DVD player back?

Rooners · 13/08/2013 08:39

I have a sort of friend who is always borrowing things from his neighbours, etc.

They sit around in his garden or house and you really do have to go and ASK to have it back, or it gets left there for months and months.

I always asked for my things back as I didn't want it to ruin the friendship. I noticed he had a lot of his next door family's things, he was using them to do some work on his garden, as he was too tight to buy his own stuff.

They were lovely people. One day I was there and the chap came and asked him to do them a favour, driving them to an airport - they have a disabled little girl and couldn't fit everything into one car.

He got out his phone and checked and said, Oh I am sorry, I have a social event that weekend. Nope, can't do it.

I stood there with my mouth open - the ONLY time they had ever asked him for ANY thing and he couldn't do it.

I stopped being friends with him in the end...he was always using people including me. I offered to do the airport run for them but they organised something else I think. I hope they got their tools back.

Rooners · 13/08/2013 08:41

Oh and he was the same guy with the tent, that I didn't want to lend as I knew it'd get trashed.

I was very unwell and pregnant at the time. I said I couldn't get it out, there was loads on top of it (this was true). He then said could he come round and get it himself?!

I said no, it's really difficult.
He didn't seem to hear me...he kept on about it till I said, Look, I would rather BUY you a NEW tent than have all that stuff moved and chaos caused in my house.

That was when he got the message and asked me to look for one on ebay for him Hmm

twat

TripleRock · 13/08/2013 08:57

I lent all our baby blankets to SIL to use for my youngest nephew as her eldest had been Summer born.

Some of these had been hand knitted by relatives and used by me and my sister as babies, as well as my own DD and appear in family photos.

I'm currently nearly 36 weeks pregnant and although I've asked for them back I'm still waiting...

According to MIL, she's 'still looking for them' Hmm

There's one in particular I wish I had never lent her because I'll be so disappointed if we don't get it back