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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer lend anything to anyone. Ever.

122 replies

Brainbleach · 11/08/2013 09:07

I've just got a bag out of my cupboard that was last used by a friend when I lent it to her and its bloody broken. The strap is missing and the clasp has been snapped off, though of course this wasn't mentioned when it was returned.

I think this is happening more and more, either things are coming back broken, or they're taking months to get back, or they're not coming back at all. I'm sick of it.

WIBU to implement an absolute rule of not lending anything to anyone? It seems a bit uncharitable but I'm fed up with effectively buying things for other people all the bloody time.

OP posts:
Scruffey · 11/08/2013 11:15

DH is still wearing a friend's T shirt that he was lent in 1998. Shock

Original poster
Brainbleach · 11/08/2013 11:25

I wouldn't have minded if she'd mentioned it was broken. It's the sneakiness of not saying it that has bothered me.

I agree gallifrey - you are often made to feel unreasonable asking for your things back. It's just not fair.

I think that my days of operating as a house of lending are over.

OP posts:
JustLikeBritishRail · 11/08/2013 11:31

My DH takes a photo on his phone of the person holding the item when he lends things out (usually DVDs) then makes a big deal of deleting the picture when he gets it back... It's weird but very effective!

VodkaJelly · 11/08/2013 11:42

My ex best friend is like this. When i lent her something I knew I was never going to see it again. Still waiting for the return of my costume jewlery/books/mobile phone. I knew i would never get them back. Have a feeling she has sold most of them.

But i was smart enough to never lend her any money

youarewinning · 11/08/2013 11:45

I have the rule I don't lend anything I mind being lost, broken or damaged.

You just can't always trust others to treat your things how you would.

Although I lent my friend my DS' plastic plate etc set for an overnight camp. Her DD left it there and she was really worried and told her DAd not to mention it until she had checked it wasn't there.
It was - and when she told me I did laugh. It was a fivers worth of stuff from Tesco!
But that's a mate / someone who cares despite the value.

mrspaddy · 11/08/2013 11:46

YANBU. I lent a brand new Monsoon dress to SIL, only for it to go out in a black bag of rubbish. Only then I found out how she was storing her dresses. It was over 150 quid.

I am nearing the end of my maternity and no way am I giving out my clothes as hope to use again.

I look after my stuff.

However, unusually for me - I didn't get too annoyed with her. I really genuinely like her and she is just ditsy and laid back.

whatshallwedo · 11/08/2013 11:53

I don't like lending out my things so I try very hard to avoid it. I also hate borrowing as I am so worried that something will happen to the item.

I did lend a tent out a few years ago and wasn't in a hurry for it back. However when I heard that the person believed it to be theirs as I hadn't asked for it back straight away - funnily enough I suddenly had a need for it's return Smile

raisah · 11/08/2013 14:10

I do not lend anything out now nor do I borrow because it causes too many problems. I would care for a borrowed item better then my own but people don't have the same respect for my items.

Jan49 · 11/08/2013 15:28

YANBU

A friend asked to borrow a video from me, an old film which I'd recorded from the TV. We only see each other every 3 - 4 months so when I next saw her, I asked for it back. I got a lecture about how busy she was with the kids and how she couldn't possible have found time to watch it. The next time I saw her, months later, I asked again and got the same lecture about how busy she was and what a hard time she had. I never asked again as I didn't want to give her the opportunity again to go on about how busy she was. I've never had it back. Hmm

CoolaSchmoola · 11/08/2013 15:45

When I was 18 a friend borrowed a musical instrument from me to try to learn whilst I was away at uni, the plan being that she would borrow it for the term and either buy it from me (I had a better one, she borrowed my learner one) or give it back.

I didn't hear from or see her again for about ten years.

I did see my instrument in its hideously disti

CoolaSchmoola · 11/08/2013 15:48

Damn phone.

...distinctive yellow velvet and tan leather case in the window of a PAWN SHOP later the same year she borrowed it.

I figure she wanted going out money one weekend and thought as I was able away it wouldn't matter, but didn't redeem it (lot of money to find) and then fell of the face of the earth. I was not impressed.

karinmaria · 11/08/2013 16:03

Yanbu! Last October lent several dresses, pairs of shoes and clutch bags to a good friend as she had a good few weddings to go to. Hasn't given all of it back yet and the bags I have had back are damaged. Not impressed at all. She won't be getting anything ever again.

On the other hand my sister and another good friend always give my things back in pristine condition, but they're the only two I trust with anything of mine!

theoldtrout01876 · 11/08/2013 18:49

I lent a friend a computer desk,just for a week or so till her new one arrived. She sold mine. Ive never lent her another thing,infact due to something else she did,that cost me a lot of money I dont speak to her at all any more,I guess that makes her an exfriend :o

CruCru · 11/08/2013 19:01

Some people are just "borrowers" and should probably be avoided. I used to have a housemate who was always borrowing things (clothes etc). It got to the point where I asked her why she didn't just go shopping (she wasn't poor).

RenterNomad · 11/08/2013 19:09

Lending out carefully can be an effective way of obtaining storage, but it has to be the right kind of "thing" being lent: notably things which are bulky and "seasonal", not lightweight and precious (like nice clothes).

If I hadn't lent out some baby things, I'd have even more crap in my unused "inventory" (the sort of crap any serial tenant accumulates)! Luckily, I've got scrupulous friends, so a baby gym did four children (including 2 of mine) before I eventually took it to the charity shop.

We're also currently using a dresser which we would otherwise be storing unused for my ILs.

If the goods don't meet these criteria (like the unfortunate van, tents, kayak (wtf?!) and so on, it makes perfect sense not to lend them.

If you need some way to refuse, what about: "Sorry, it's already on loan," or: "Sorry, we're still airing/ repairing it after the last borrower," or "It's earmarked for dinner next week/ camping in the garden."

As for asking for things back, even cheap things can be exactly the right fit or colour, let alone if one's mended and taken care of those things. From this thread, lots of people agree!

Mouthfulofquiz · 11/08/2013 19:49

I lent a friend a pair of red sandals. A few weeks later I asked for them back and she just said 'oh, no. I really like them so I'm keeping them if that's okay?' I'm not kidding - I was so shocked that I agreed to her buying me another pair of sandals - which never happened.

A few months later she wants to borrow some books from me. I said no. She was shocked and bemused! I explained 'sandal- gate' and she still didn't get it....... We're still friends but I'm never ever ever lending her anything ever ever again. Ever.

MogglesLover · 11/08/2013 20:26

I lent my car to a family member for a year whilst she got on her feet. When it came back (she appeared shocked that I should want it as opposed to her selling it and keeping the proceeds) it was filthy and one of the doors needed replacing due to a huge dent. No monies offered for repair. Never again.

oldgrandmama · 11/08/2013 20:30

YANBU. I lent my complete box set of a great TV series to someone - when I tactfully mentioned that if her family had finished with it, I'd like it back, please, she blithely informed me 'Oh dear, we sold it at a car boot sale - didn't remember it was yours ...'!

BMW6 · 11/08/2013 20:38

I am Shock by these awful people selling things LENT to them!!
How on earth do you keep your tempers???

Redlocks30 · 11/08/2013 20:39

I'm stunned at some of these-especially the red shoes one! How can some people be so rude?!

Rooners · 11/08/2013 20:43

I think it's a good plan but people will always ask.

I try never to lend things as I know from experience that they rarely come back.

our neighbour asked to borrow my motorbike last year, as he hadn't got a UK license and his car had been towed away. (perhaps he thought it was me who reported him - it wasn't)
I said no (no UK bike license either!) and then he decided he wanted my push bike instead. To get to work, every day.

I said Ok. He left it unlocked, or badly locked (didn't change the number on it!) out in the rain for weeks on end and knackered the saddle. It went rusty. I didn't know what to say.

I was just glad I hadn't lent him the proper bike. Then he got his own motorbike and left that unlocked every day with no cover, as well. I think he thought that was my fault too, when he couldn't sell it for very much.

My friend lent me a bag of maternity clothes once and I was so worried about damaging them that I left them exactly where they were for 9 months and gave them back in the same bag!

Rooners · 11/08/2013 20:46

Oh and a 'friend' asked to borrow our big old tent last year as well, for a kids' sleepover. I said no as I couldn't get it out of the cupboard it was in (under loads of stuff) but the real reason, though this was true, was that I knew it would get wrecked and it wasn't something I could replace...and he is the sort of person who would expect me to write it off.

Knowing someone isn't going to care if they break your stuff, is a good sign not to lend them it in the first place...he was just too tight to spend a tenner on one from ebay, though he did in the end as I kept sending him links!

I think it's important for a friendship that you don't feel angry, and I knew I'd resent him if anything went wrong with the tent situation. I would rather not get into that kind of dynamic as it would ruin the friendship.

Glitterkitten24 · 11/08/2013 20:47

I am shocked by these!
Surely if you break something that someone has kindly lent you, the correct response is to grovel for forgiveness and insist on paying back the cost/ replacing the item?

Binkyridesagain · 11/08/2013 20:51

Thanks for this thread, my mother borrowed my millennium trilogy DVDs at Xmas and hasn't returned them, I must ask for them back. Also DH is owed some money from my cousin (who we will never lend anything to ever again), I will remind him to start demanding it back.

I am being very careful about who can borrow my things, if I borrow things then I return them ASAP, sadly other people don't, so now they will be treated the way they treat me

VenusRising · 11/08/2013 20:54

You'd think so glitterkitten, but alas! tis not the way.

I don't borrow or lend as I know things will come back wrecked, if they come back at all.

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