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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To introduce my new partner to my kids today

119 replies

DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 08:45

Back story.... We met on the Internet. Talked for 2 weeks on the phone (multiple times a day) and tons of messages. Met for the first time 2 weeks ago and it's been like a lightening bolt. Have spent every spare minute we could together when kids at dads/in bed and are both sure we want to be together. It's very clear for us both. We're not kids, I'm 34 he's 37. We both have children.
We are both on our own today, me with kids, him without kids. AIBU to have invited him over to take the kids to the park with me and then back here for tea together? Will be introducing him as a friend, no boyfriend talk. My kids are 4 and 17 months.
Is this a bad idea?? I am thinking it feels really natural but wanted to garner opinions.
Also, he is a great big kid himself and I know he'll be fun with them so that helps.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/08/2013 11:07

Very insane, way too soon. I'd say at least a year into a new relationship before the children are introduced. I have seen parents who parade men through their childrens lives after a few dates and seen the impact it has on them.

You have no guarantee this is "the one", presumably you thought the same about the babies father? He is currently a man you have had a few dates with, not a partner. You know very little about him and him you.

GangstersLoveToDance · 11/08/2013 11:14

YABU.

For Goodness Sake, you are not a teenager. Surely you realise that you can't really know someone after a few weeks?

Do what you want with him - by all means, have some fun and enjoy. Just leave your kids out of it.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 11/08/2013 11:19

I have just introduced my bf to my son aged 10. We have been together for 3 months but friends for about a year before that. Having met only 2 weeks ago, it does seem rather soon OP.

MumnGran · 11/08/2013 11:26

OP, I am happy to revise my first post a little.
His reaction to your change of plan to meet today indicates someone who is prepared to keep it slow and sensible, and that is a very positive sign. Some solid relationships do begin in a blaze of glory and, although I still think you should take it slowly with the children (and defer meeting for some time) I do think a year is excessive if there is no reason to assume the guy is anything other than as nice as he seems, and the relationship is developing well.

Will go against the grain, too, on whether you should meet his children because - given that it is a party scenario - it would be possible to go to the party just as a "friend", and at a family location rather than one-on-one at the home. The dynamics will also give you an idea about the wider family situation, which can only be a good thing if you think this man may be your future.

Original poster

DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 12:23

Lovely story Reality, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 12:44

Just to clarify, I was only calling him a partner for the purpose of posting. Perhaps a flippant choice of words but hey, I'm not going to worry myself about that
I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts and stories, thank you for taking the time to post.
There is no need to rush it, we'll wait a bit longer but will still introduce him as a friend with no lovey dovey stuff in front of them. I have lots of different friends male and female so I doubt my eldest will bat an eyelid. In fact may make the transition from mummy's friend to mummy's boyfriend easier.

OP posts:

NicholasTeakozy · 11/08/2013 13:27

My XW introduced her current DP to our kids after about 3 weeks of first meeting him. They were all told to be on their best behaviour and create a goo impression. When she and her OH got home they opened the door to the sight of our DCs sat there wearing various items of her underwear over their clothes behaving as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Which it wasn't really, they're scampeteers. :o

ilovebabytv · 11/08/2013 13:40

YANBU introducing him as a friend. I believe sometimes you just know. I met dp's parents within 4 weeks and he met my ds who was 4 at the time within a couple of weeks. 9 years later and we are still together.

Conversely i know people who waited 6 months + and it didn't work out long term.

I agree with the poster upthread who thinks that a lot of those who are totally aghast are not single parents themselves navigating the world of dating.

flumperoo · 11/08/2013 13:56

If you're only introducing him as a friend then I'm not sure what the harm is. Is it any different than introducing children to a female friend you'd met at the gym/coffee morning/college/art group etc?

I've not read all the responses so I realise I may genuinely be missing the point/problem here

Mia4 · 11/08/2013 14:24

Way way too early OP. Please don't rush things. It's very true that if things are very intense and fast at the start then they fizzle out quickly. Enjoy this time with each other to yourselves then, in time, introduce if things look serious.

ProphetOfDoom · 11/08/2013 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LegArmpits · 11/08/2013 14:40

OP, I did this after two weeks, my son was three.
We've been together nine years, married for three and have two more kids under our belt.

Sallystyle · 11/08/2013 14:42

I see no problem with introducing him as a friend. As long as they aren't told that he is your partner etc I see no issue with this at all.

BTW I met my husband and instantly fell in love. It all happened very quickly and we have now been happily married for 7 years.

I had a lot of people warn me, told me it was too soon to be thinking about him meeting my children from a previous marriage but well, I couldn't be more happier 7 years later.

However, It could have ended up differently, which is why I suggest you introduce him as a friend. No harm can come to the kids if you do it that way.

RoxyFox211 · 11/08/2013 14:46

Yanbu - wtf I'm surprised by these comments especially as you say your'll be introducing him as a friend! Its only tea and a trip to the park, my daughter loves a new face to play with & your'll be there the whole time. Don't worry about it, if it feels right do it. I really do not see the harm at all. And good luck with the relationship.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 11/08/2013 14:52

Apologies, OP, for my earlier assumption that you were annoyed.

Original poster

DaydreamDolly · 12/08/2013 12:18

I've been really cheered by the latest messages, thank you all
I am going to go to the party next weekend and meet his lot and then I will be introducing him to my kids as a friend.
Thank you for all the good luck messages, after a difficult year it feels really good to have met someone like this and I truly believe that once you know, you know. I don't think you'll get that unless its happened to you, I know it's never happened to me like this before.
Thanks again for all your comments I've appreciated every one of them.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 12/08/2013 13:28

I would say if you are introducing him as a friend is fine. I think the only temptation from an early introduction like this is that things may well end up moving faster and he ends up staying over etc when the kids are there at an earlier stage in the relationship than he otherwise would have. I think you need to really need to give a relationship more time before you get to that stage with your kids.

Original poster

DaydreamDolly · 12/08/2013 14:04

Yes good point Kelly, thanks.

OP posts:

BreeWannabe · 12/08/2013 14:12

You're still in the initial 'infatuation' phase, when its easy for judgements to be clouded. If its meant to be, what's the harm in taking your time? As time goes on you'll see things more clearly and rationally; it's at that point you'll know whether this is for keeps :) Enjoy just being you-and-him at the moment, then once you have more shared experiences and knowledge of each other and have a solid base as a couple, look to introduce him then.
Good luck :)

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