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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To introduce my new partner to my kids today

119 replies

DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 08:45

Back story.... We met on the Internet. Talked for 2 weeks on the phone (multiple times a day) and tons of messages. Met for the first time 2 weeks ago and it's been like a lightening bolt. Have spent every spare minute we could together when kids at dads/in bed and are both sure we want to be together. It's very clear for us both. We're not kids, I'm 34 he's 37. We both have children.
We are both on our own today, me with kids, him without kids. AIBU to have invited him over to take the kids to the park with me and then back here for tea together? Will be introducing him as a friend, no boyfriend talk. My kids are 4 and 17 months.
Is this a bad idea?? I am thinking it feels really natural but wanted to garner opinions.
Also, he is a great big kid himself and I know he'll be fun with them so that helps.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 11/08/2013 09:16

Nobody's slating, echo, just telling op to be cautious.

Tuppenceinred · 11/08/2013 09:16

I'm going to disagree. If you genuinely had some time together out with your children, keeping your hands off each other and simply introducing him as your friend, what's the harm? I think it's too soon to start inserting him into your daily life with your children, or showing affection to each other in front of them (think holding hands, cuddling...), but a few hours playing in the park and tea? I don't see that's a big problem if you handle it well. It should be no different to taking your little ones out with a female friend tagging along should it? How you handle it is what makes the difference - an afternoon playing in the park and mum's friend comes along is no big deal.

I think the situation is different re you being introduced to his mum and children though. That sounds like a much more formal situation, and with older children might be best left until you have been together longer and are really established in your relationship. If his children react badly you could set him up for some long-term problems with him.

SanityClause · 11/08/2013 09:17

It occurs to me that this situation is actually going to be a good thing for you. His reaction to your decision not to meet up today (if that is what you decide, of course) will give you some information about the kind of person he is.

I really do hope this all works out well for you.

EasyMark · 11/08/2013 09:21

How would you feel if it was your ex introducong a new firend after only two weeks?

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:24

Thank you all so much I really appreciate your replies and I feel it's given me a better perspective. I have called him to cancel and he was very understanding. In his words 'we need to do this properly and not f*ck it up by rushing the kids'
Next weekend is his brothers 40th party as he wanted me to come with him which is where I would meet the kids. He still wants me to, but I now feel a little cautious.
I will just keep him all to myself instead for a little while Smile
Thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:26

Easy I'm afraid I have been in that situation. The kids dad left me when my youngest was 6 months and moved in with his girlfriend. So they met her the week after. Although he had known her longer than a few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:26

Tuppence thank you for a great post.

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 11/08/2013 09:28

OP has said she is introducing him as a friend. YANBU in that case, what's the difference in them meeting any of your other friends? Female friends? Work friends?

curlew · 11/08/2013 09:29

Please be wary of anyone you can describe as "a great big kid".

HotDogWater · 11/08/2013 09:30

Good luck op and enjoy this phase! He does sound lovely actually...

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:32

Thank you HotDog Smile he is rather lovely, yes Smile

OP posts:
musicismylife · 11/08/2013 09:34

Why is that, curlew?

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:38

Music Grin I did a little Confused when I read that post too!

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 11/08/2013 09:39

Far too soon, sorry.

You sound like you are both rushing in - has he been on his own long? His behaviour reminds me of a couple of men I know who as soon as they split from their wives/partners, were desperate to rush headlong into a new relationship.

One has now been seeing a woman for 4 months. They all met each others children within weeks, but have (to date) split up twice. They are now moving in together, with all the children.

Not saying you would go to that extreme, but it's a slippery slope and easy to get carried away if you're a bit lonely and bruised after a split, and to see someone through rose tinted glasses. You do also need to stop referring to him as your DP, after 2 weeks he is barely your boyfriend.

EasyMark · 11/08/2013 09:42

And was you happy about the kids meeting the new girlfriend the week after? Would.it have been any better if it was two weeks and they were just friends?

Do you think its a good idea?

curlew · 11/08/2013 09:43

Because a "great big kid" is always, in my experience, a euphemism for a man who refuses to grow up. Nothing worse than a manchild.

TheFantasticFixit · 11/08/2013 09:44

No, don't. It's really too soon. I met my now DH on a dating site so know how well it can work but one of the things about meeting someone in this way is that it takes quite some time to figure them out. Which is very exciting - but you really don't know anything about each other yet.

It's so hard to not let lust take over completely when you first meet someone - I had some great advice a few years ago about 'laying down the foundations' in a relationship at first. Build your house with this man by all means, but make sure the foundations are solid first. 2 weeks (or 4 I guess in total) isn't long enough to know someone I'm afraid. It's definitely long enough to feel very excited about the future but you have children, and need to take a step back.

musicismylife · 11/08/2013 09:44

Or maybe a man who likes to have fun, curlew.

curlew · 11/08/2013 09:47

Possibly. Not in my experience.
Having fun is great. Being "a great big kid" as an adult isn't.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:50

Curlew I would describe my father as a great big kid. It's a very attractive personality trait to me. We are all different in what we are looking for in life.
Thanks Velvet. He has been single but dating on and off since he split with his children's mother 4 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 09:50

Thanks Fantastic, good advice.

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 11/08/2013 09:54

To be completely honest,I think your kids are too young for it to be a major issue to them. If you go to the park together they will simply see him as a friend of yours (provided you don't start snogging in front of them!).

To me, his kids are a far bigger problem. At those ages they will know what is happening and it is far too early to meet them.

I've been where you are when my DC were younger and they met quite a few prospective partners casually as friends- on the beach, park, cafe etc. but I am a very social person so they will often be out and about with me and people they don't really know. Both men and women.

MissWimpyDimple · 11/08/2013 09:55

Meant to say - now that they are older I wouldn't do it anymore.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 09:56

I don't think that going to his brothers 40th next week is a big deal. It's a party - just don't be snogging him on the dance floor in front of his kids!

I also don't think that him coming to the park & having his tea at yours is a big deal either, but maybe leave it a few more weeks.

I certainly wouldn't be waiting a year, IMO, that's mad.

curlew · 11/08/2013 09:56

I'm just saying be very careful. You want a life partner to be adult and responsible and thoughtful. A "great big kid" can be huge fun as a friend, or even as a dad. As a life partner? Maybe not so much..........