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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To introduce my new partner to my kids today

119 replies

DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 08:45

Back story.... We met on the Internet. Talked for 2 weeks on the phone (multiple times a day) and tons of messages. Met for the first time 2 weeks ago and it's been like a lightening bolt. Have spent every spare minute we could together when kids at dads/in bed and are both sure we want to be together. It's very clear for us both. We're not kids, I'm 34 he's 37. We both have children.
We are both on our own today, me with kids, him without kids. AIBU to have invited him over to take the kids to the park with me and then back here for tea together? Will be introducing him as a friend, no boyfriend talk. My kids are 4 and 17 months.
Is this a bad idea?? I am thinking it feels really natural but wanted to garner opinions.
Also, he is a great big kid himself and I know he'll be fun with them so that helps.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 11/08/2013 09:56

Are you going to go to his brothers party, op?

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 10:00

Thanks Curlew. He has a very serious and grown up job, so he's capable of being a grown up. Just not when he's with me Grin
Music I'm not sure about the party... I'm seeing him Tuesday night so we'll have a talk about it then.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 10:00

I do agree that as his kids are older its potentially more tricky.

OP posts:
OfficerMeow · 11/08/2013 10:01

I don't actually see the problem with the kids meeting a 'friend' of their mums, as long as it is shown as a genuine friend, no hand holding/smooching.

ninah · 11/08/2013 10:03

I agree with you MissWD. I am quite social too and one more friend would be unremarkable to dc of that age.

musicismylife · 11/08/2013 10:03

I think you should go!

inallmydays · 11/08/2013 10:04

i dont see anything wrong as being introduced as a friend at this stage , your kids are young they wont see him as anything else , he can then gradually be included in more days out , and visits for dinner , its all got to start some where .

WhenToGo · 11/08/2013 10:06

Way too soon. Next week is too soon to be meeting his kids too. If you've hit gold and he's the man of your dreams, you've got the rest of your lives together. Slow down!

MissWimpyDimple · 11/08/2013 10:08

I do suspect that those who are outraged and expect OP to wait a year to introduce a new partner, are not lone parents attempting to navigate the tricky world of dating!

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 10:09

Music do you? Grin Maybe I will!

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 11/08/2013 10:10

Thanks Miss WD. A year is far too long! You're right.

OP posts:
Reality · 11/08/2013 10:10

My DC met DH the day after I met him. They were 3 and 4. As far as they knew at that stage he was just another person, I have lots of friends and they have lots of adults around them, nothing odd or noteworthy about meeting one more.

He met my parents and grandparents a few days after that, we moved in together after six months, bought a house together after a year and got married and had a baby after that.

We've been together six years with never an argument or any cause for doubt. He is wonderful, and also a big kid.

BoozyBear · 11/08/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notanyanymore · 11/08/2013 10:11

If you don't leave them on their own with him AT ALL and he really does come in a friend capacity (no fathering attempts) I don't see a prob. Its no different to the children then if you'd met a new friend of any sort then is it?

notanyanymore · 11/08/2013 10:11

Oh BB beat me to it!

IneedAyoniNickname · 11/08/2013 10:11

I was going to say yabu, but see you have changed your mind. :) the way he has reacted to that is a good indication as to how he is as a person, seems good so far.

My ex moved in with his gf and her dc within a couple of weeks. She was pg within 2 months. Apparently they are soulmates, hence moving so fast. (personally I think if they are soul mates they could have waited with no harm done!) Nearly a year on, I've received messages from a couple of her friends expressing concerns about his temper, and asking if its normal for him as she is scared and they are worried. so although it all seemed perfect to start, his true colours showed.
Just be cautious!

And FWIW, I don't necessarily see 'big kid' as a bad thing. I would describe both my dad and brother that way. Both have good, responsible grown up jobs too!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 11/08/2013 10:13

I don't think a year is too long. I would never expose my children to a man I hadn't known well....not to spend the night anyway.

I would introduce away from home....after about 2 months....days out etc from then on until I had got to know them REALLY well.

You can't bring strangers into your home...to be part of your family!

Hissy · 11/08/2013 10:13

You only know what he's told you. You haven't seen him for even a month, he could literally be anyone.

A grown up job means nothing. There are threads and threads of poor women bemoaning how vile someone is to them, to their kids, while all the while appearing Mr Perfect.

I'm not saying that this guy isn't a good man, I can't. I don't know him.

But neither do you.

Your only role in this right now, is to protect your kids and create a safe, loving and nurturing environment for them.

It's a good sign that your cancelling his "presentation" to your children has been met with calm acceptance.

You need to make sure that he's taking YOU seriously before introducing him to your children.

Also, once the dynamic changes from girlfriend/boyfriend to blended family, it's often a right struggle to get that adult space back.

Hang onto the gf/bf phase as long as you can!

SanityClause · 11/08/2013 10:17

This is looking good Dolly, though as I mentioned before, he is on his best behaviour, so will be saying the "right" things. You still need to be cautious.

I think even introducing "as a friend" is a mistake, as if it doesn't work out, he will still have been a presence in your DC's life, and losing him will be unsettling for them. (And just when you would also be feeling very emotional, having just broken up.)

I so don't want to put the mockers on this relationship, but I do think you need to be careful for your children's sakes.

curlew · 11/08/2013 10:20

I wouldn't introduce him to your children- unless it could be as part of a group- could he come on a picnic with your friends and their children for example? But I would certainly go to the party with him- but make absolutely sure it was as a friend- not even any hand holding in front of his children (which means none anywhere, they have eyes in the back of their heads!)

Another thing- I honestly don"t think you can call someone a "partner" after 2 weeks. Please, please tread cautiously.

MikeOxard · 11/08/2013 10:21

"He is a great big kid himself" Be careful - this might be fun after 2 weeks, but after 6 months or a year it might be less fun and more annoying.

I think 2-4 weeks is very, very soon as well. You are still so much in the honeymoon period and it's not fair on the kids.

VelvetSpoon · 11/08/2013 10:28

I think Hissy is spot on.

At the moment you only know what he has told you, or chosen to show you. There are a lot of threads on here wherein men have been perfect for the first few weeks, then the red flags start to show. I would need to be fairly certain about someone before they came anywhere near my DC (or I went anywhere near theirs), and I don't think you can be after a couple of weeks, and a handful of dates.

A few years ago, I was in a relationship I was sure was 'the one'. Even then, I planned to wait 6-8 months before he met my DC, I met his and vice versa. I wanted to keep the time before then 'our' time. With hindsight I still think it was the right thing to do.

Fairylea · 11/08/2013 10:29

How long have you both been single? If it is less than a year for each of you I'd be even more careful as often the grief of coming out of one relationship can put even more of a rose tint onto a new one, especially if the end of the last one was particularly love less.

I remember the first time I had sex again after my ex husband left me. It was the most amazing liberating feeling, just to feel like an attractive sexual person again.

But the guy was an utter cunt and I only spent 6 months with him and he seemed perfect at first. Dd didn't meet him. I was heartbroken when that finished too as it compounded everything from my ex h leaving too. It was a very low point for me.

Watch your self esteem and look after yourself...and enjoy too. Dating is wonderful.

Fairylea · 11/08/2013 10:30

How long have you both been single? If it is less than a year for each of you I'd be even more careful as often the grief of coming out of one relationship can put even more of a rose tint onto a new one, especially if the end of the last one was particularly love less.

I remember the first time I had sex again after my ex husband left me. It was the most amazing liberating feeling, just to feel like an attractive sexual person again.

But the guy was an utter cunt and I only spent 6 months with him and he seemed perfect at first. Dd didn't meet him. I was heartbroken when that finished too as it compounded everything from my ex h leaving too. It was a very low point for me.

Watch your self esteem and look after yourself...and enjoy too. Dating is wonderful.

helenthemadex · 11/08/2013 10:35

if its the real thing and you are both sure waiting a little while longer is not going to matter at all in the long run, but if it all goes tits up in a few weeks people who fall in love so quickly often fall out of love just as quickly you will have protected your kids