I've always loved heavy old silver Jewellery. I remember coveting an Elsa Peretti heart back in the day. I loved her pens too. I thought the toggle-fastening jewellery was just the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And then...and then, suddenly they were EVERYWHERE! WTF? You'd go into Asda and the checkout girl would have a "Return To Tiffany" slung artlessly round her neck. I was so traumatised I never allowed myself to get close to a jewellery brand again. I felt the pull of Links of London but held back and now I'm glad I did, because every Sweetie Bracelet I saw dangling from an unwashed wrist gave me a flutter of yearning swiftly replaced by first dismay at their ubiquity then outright disgust at the loss of yet one more thing that might have set me apart from the bovine, graceless crowd.
So I turned to handbags. First it was the Louis Vuitton Speedy. Ten years ago I had a lovely one I bought from eBay and I felt really speshul, mainly because you rarely saw them and if you did see a Common Person with one it was usually a fake and a shit multicoloured one at that.
So everyone that saw you thought you were dead classy and loaded and eyed your bag longingly, knowing it was something they Would Never Have.
Now you can't turn a corner without some slob swinging one of the crook of their bobbled polyester elbow. How the fuck do these people afford them? Oh yeah - eBay. Back in the day no-one but professionals knew anything about what to look for in a genuine bag. Which was great because i could snap 'em up. Take my pick. They were ALL MINE. Now everyone's a sodding expert. Thanks eBay. Could you not have just been a little less greedy and stayed small?
THEN it was the Chloe Paddington. I loved my Paddy but fuck me the number of times I saw people with cringingly bad fakes - I mean bright pink plastic FFS! - got old really quickly. And then Paul's Boutique vomited all over them and that was that. Don't even get me started on those diamante padlock monstrosities. Mine was sold tout suite before you could say "Elephants Bawsac" (2003 edition with silver hardware, since you ask)
The biggest outrage and the final straw, has been the proliferation of Mulberry Bayswaters. Vuitton and Chloe I can kind of understand. It's the WAG/Essex girl thing isn't it? But Bayswaters are the epitome of chic, understated elegance. I loved my chocolate Bay, felt really speshul when out with it, even laughed at the reeeelly obvious fakes. The only people with genuine ones were elegant, classy people who didn't have to flaunt their wealth or plaster labels everywhere. Which meant that I was One Of Them. Even though I took the bus and was on benefits. Didn't matter! I had a Bayswater! And then the day came when Someone Else On The Bus had one. And it was a bit scruffy. And so was she. Which meant she'd obviously bought hers from eBay. I sold mine the next day.
How the fuck am I supposed to feel superior to all the other drones if I can't buy my designer accessories at a fraction of the price because a) Every other sheep has the same idea and b) Some heartless bastard has sold millions of nearly-good-enough fakes, thus making it truly accessible to even the poorest soap-dodger.
How can you covet something everyone has? Its cachet is completely diluted. The only way I can look posh now, according to Sunday Times Style Magazine, is to go out without a bag, then everyone will assume my driver has it. This is a great idea and I'm just passing it on because I CAN'T be the only one who feels like this!!!