To want DP to share housework while I'm on maternity leave?

[Craftyjessicat]

I don't mind doing a bit extra because I'm at home all day and he works 10hr shifts and is on his feet all day so is pretty knackered when he comes home. However he doesn't do anything, either after work or on days off, he doesn't cook, he doesn't do washing- except occasionally his work shirts I I'm not here. He's never cleaned the bathroom in the year we've lived in this house. He did a few little things before I went on maternity but since then he literally has done nothing and I'm finding it hard to cope and getting a bit resentful.
He doesn't do washing up and just uses every piece of cutlery and crockery, he doesn't put clothes away... You get the picture.

It's not like he even takes over looking after DD when he's at home, it's like he can't deal with her for more than a few minutes (she's not a difficult baby) and huffs about changing nappies. She's just under 10weeks and is still breastfeeding a lot but it's like he uses it as an excuse to hand her back to me.

I'm making him sound like an absolute pig, he is a good guy and I be fair I haven't really broached the subject with him yet, mostly because I don't know how.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to see housework needs doing? Is it a bloke thing that they are just able to ignore these things?
Help!

He works long hours and is tired and also you have not had any previous discussion with him regarding this. I think then that the best way would be to pick something - just one thing - and start with that. Maybe him putting his clothes away or doing the washing up? Is he home in time for bath time? Maybe delegate that to him?

YANBU. It's not a bloke thing. It's a him thing. Don't spend time worrying about how to bring it up, just do so soon, preferably tonight. The longer you leave it the worse it will get.

I think days off should be shared but wouldnt expect after a ten hour standing shift for him to come home and clean if you are home all day. If kept on top of, housework doesnt take that long every day.

Sit down & discuss what jobs he could do at the weekends to help ie clean the bathroom.

IMO after a 10 hour shift he should have a rest!

At some point, if he doesn't see your point of view, ask him what would he expect if the roles were reversed.

10 weeks is still very young and a lot of work, particularly if you are breastfeeding, so I'd expect him to do something every day, even if little.

One way I found useful is to split two tasks between the two at the same time, so that you are busy at the same time and have free time at the same time too.
He isn't likely to notice when you are busy and he's not, but he's likely to notice when he's busy and you rest.

Does he do things like sort the garden, wash the car, fix/paint things etc at the weekend? Maybe he sees that as his contribution? I suspect he doesn't realise how time consuming a small baby can be. Just ask him for some help and see where it goes from there. Did he help out before you had your baby?

OP: My XH proudly announced one day that he had cleaned the bathroom sink.
It was the first time in 30 bloody years.

Anyway, your DH should be clearing up after himself, putting his own clothes away, doing some cooking at the weekend would be lovely.
Doing some washing up.

Have a chat with him.
Good Luck.

Maybe you should talk together about what absolutely needs to be done and what can be done a little less often. My dd is 12 weeks and me and dp have 'exchanged' words on the subject of housework a couple of times! We've maybe lowered our expectations of each other a little in that a don't expect him to do much when he gets home from work and he doesn't expect the house to be spotless when he gets in.

YANBU, but my DP also does those sort of shifts and I can see when he comes home he is absolutely exhausted, so maybe this has to be a play it by ear situation? It's worth bringing up but as you are in a slightly more tricky situation (it's not like he is doing 9-5 at a desk - I do 9-5 at a desk and I know how not knackering it can be ) I wouldn't do it in an accusatory way. It also depends on what your baby is like, whether they are quite easy and are happy to lie on their mat for ten minutes while you do something.

FWIW, DP was also useless with the baby at 10w!

When I was in maternity leave I did all the housework. Every last bit. My DDS were easy babies, so that helps, I went out every afternoon, and cleaned the house every morning.

When I was on maternity DP did all housework barr the washing for the first 12 weeks or so as DD was a nightmare and very very difficult to ever put down, and never fucking slept - I did all night wakings though.

It's something you need to negotiate. Personally as evenings were the worst for us for cluster feeding he continued doing the evening meals - and washing up after as he always uses every single pot and pan - while I gradually took up the other housework as DD got easier...

Same sort of situation as op 11 week baby and dp doing 11/12 hr shifts mon-fri.
Although I am bottle feeding so makes things a bit easier as dp can do it but ds is not a baby that sleeps so I don't get much time in the day to do much without him wanting cuddled and played with (very demanding little man).
We're quite relaxed about the house work now as long as there are clean clothes for us and I can get to sink to do bottles I don't really worry!
Although what I find most useful is when dp comes home and has shower he then gets to spend time with ds while I sort dinner do dishes or hang up clothes etc or when friends/relatives call I'll leave ds with them for a bit and do anything that's needs doing again usually dishes or washing I find people quite like a bit of time with my ds without me watching them!
Don't be too hard on yourselves its still early days and you's should try to enjoy spending time together when your dp comes home rather than argue and worry about housework.

Well I wouldn't expect him to do 50% of the housework or anything near that much after such long hours. As someone has already said housework doesn't take that long really, but perhaps my standards are a bit lax.

I do think that it would be wonderful for all concerned if he could spend more time with his baby. I can't understand men who don't want to do things for their children and generally make a fuss of them. Seems strange to me. Taking on some of the household burden would be good too, even if it's loading the dishwasher, putting out the rubbish. No way should you be doing absolutely everything. I would be resentful too in your situation.

So for me the priority here would be him not spending any real time with the baby. You don't say if it's your first dc but it kinda sounds like it is. It can be really easy fir you to grow in confidence, while his slips.

So I would start with bath time, making him responsible for that. And you use that time to rest - don't hover, don't clean, just chill.

Once that's established, start to talk about housework. The ideal is that you both have the same amount of leisure time - so yeah, he's doing a 10 hr shift at work, but so are you with a baby. So chores need to be split between you. That said, I did more on mat leave.

Stuff like putting clothes away I just don't do though. I wash what's in the basket, I put clean stuff on a chair - if DH wants to put it away great, if he CBA then I'm not his mother. It's up to him.

Needing a rest after a 10 hour physical shift is fine, I totally get that. But that doesnt mean he can abdicate total responsibility for everything as a result.

Bathing the baby and washing up after dinner are not onerous tasks and if he kicks off, perhaps you could hand him a diary of the time you spend looking after the baby and ask him when you will be getting your "time to relax".

Mat leave shouldn't be an excuse for him to stop doing anything around the house, but I don't think it should be 50/50. I think the best way is to ask but in a non accusatory way eg 'could you pls do x while I do y, couldn't put the baby down much today', or 'do you want to bath the baby while
I get dinner on?'

There has to be a bit of give and take and also acceptance that standards have to fall with a small baby. I also wouldn't put away washing, would just say 'I've done the washing your clean stuff is on the bed' or whatever.

I reckon after a 18 hour shift you should get a rest too. doubt you are getting much more than 6 hours sleep, if that.

do you want to bath the baby while I get dinner on?'

I would reword that as "do you want to bath the baby OR get the dinner on?" because otherwise she will get a straight "No, I am knackered".

This is really common, I know it was the same for us and my DH is brilliant. We were both so zonked at the end of every day that the housework really suffered. DH was working and then trying to fit in spending time with the baby, but he was really nervous with him so I never really got a break. At one point it was both of us doing the baby things and no one doing the housework. TBH bring it up, but don't make it into an issue because it's really not worth it and, for the most part, there is no real solution other than drawing up a rota or taking specific tasks on as your/his sole responsibility.

Things will get better with time, I never thought they would, but this week I've scrubbed the bathroom for the first time in 8 months whilst DH cut the grass and managed to stay on top of basic housework (it's by no means like a palace but it feels a bit cleaner!) with the baby in the house. It does get easier, explain how your feel to your DH but be careful he doesn't react with resentment because he's working hard.

I agree with starting small and think the responsibility of bathing baby is a good place to start. Dc1 is now 7 and DH still is in charge of bath time. He also washes up the tea things, empties the dish washer and puts the bins out each week. The grass, hedges, big gardening jobs and chopping fire wood are also his. He also puts his clothes away. Including commute he works about 50 hours a week and I work 32 from home so I think it's about right. The only way he will know you are unhappy with the current arrangement is if you tell him.

Okay, I am now appreciating my DP a hell of a lot more .

I still get bugger all done with an 8 month old baby. IMO it doesn't seem to get any easier to get more than a few simple jobs done, as I can't take my eye off the little monkey, and he won't sit in the highchair for me to get anything done .

Anyway, DP can come home after a 9 hour shift, and I put the baby to bed while he washes up all my dishes from the day, makes the dinner, serves it, then washes up after and makes all the bottles for the next day.

Some days (when he is in work at 10 or 11) he will get up with the baby to let me stay in bed til he needs to get ready for work.

He gets up in the night with the baby if I ask wake him up even if he is in work.

Today he took the baby out for 4 hours with the instructions that I was to not do any housework as I had our baby for 5 days each of the last 2 weeks no hardship?! and when he got back with the baby, he hoovered the downstairs, made tea, washed the dishes, bottles, and put up a blind.

What I am saying is, not all men shrug off responsibility, and will pull their weight. It didn't come naturally to him, I would say the first 3 months he struggled to get his head around the fact that I needed him more than ever. Our baby has reflux/intolerance, and as such can be very very clingy, unputdownable etc, so some days you just can't do a thing without leaving him screaming. Something which I don't like to do unless absolutely necessary.

I would start by talking to him and saying that at the moment, the baby is like a full time job. So just because you are at home, it does not mean that you have the time to do everything that needs doing.

Oddly enough we had the opposite problem. DH and I always shared all housework 50/50, then I went on maternity leave and started to do all of it since I was home, and I was happy enough with that. The problems started when I went back to work and he'd got so used to me doing pretty much everything that we had to have serious words about him taking up his responsibilities again.

If your DH is doing 10 hour shifts, I can imagine he's tired when he gets home. But similarly, you have also been working every one of those hours that he was out at work and are still carrying while he's resting at home. I wouldn't suggest you leave all the house work for when he's around to help - do what you can reasonably manage during the day without overwhelming yourself with the effort, and then the two of you work through what's left together when he's home.

He should absolutely be helping you with the baby. My DH does all the bathtimes and probably changed more nappies that I did - feeding my was job, nappies his.

As has been suggested above, a useful way to get things up and running is to preset him with an option of two jobs that need doing - do you want to hoover the lounge or bring in the washing? Do you want to change baby's nappy or get dinner on.... it's a simple, effective and non-confrontational way of letting him know that he needs to pull his weight.

What did he do pre materbity leave, housework wise?

He should help out a bit especially if you are tired as well. But he does work long hours and needs a rest when he comes home. But he can have that and then help. I agree that the best way is to say could you please do such and such. It's all very well for people to say they shouldn't need to be told and just get on with things. Well perhaps in some distant galaxy all men behave like this but we have to deal with what we have now. IMHO.

Though the idea that he "needs a rest" when he gets home isn't necessarily true. There are days that I work 10 hours, and I'm on my feet all day. I'm knackered when I get home, but I find that it's best to keep going, get the chores done on pure momentum and then collapse!!

Sadly it's not genetics or owning a penis that leaves men "not noticing" that jobs need doing. It's that they make the assumption, conciously or unconciously, that those jobs are Not Their Problem and in the the Woman's Responsibility. It's not entirely their fault, this is the message they (and you) have been receiving all their lives (when did you last see a man in a cleaning products commercial apart from the idiot Barry Scott or the Ariel ads? Or a product aimed at children that's "approved by dads" or "approved by parents"?) so they just go along with it. It takes active discussion and concious effort to change this conditioning, for both of you.