To want DP to share housework while I'm on maternity leave?

[Craftyjessicat]

I don't mind doing a bit extra because I'm at home all day and he works 10hr shifts and is on his feet all day so is pretty knackered when he comes home. However he doesn't do anything, either after work or on days off, he doesn't cook, he doesn't do washing- except occasionally his work shirts I I'm not here. He's never cleaned the bathroom in the year we've lived in this house. He did a few little things before I went on maternity but since then he literally has done nothing and I'm finding it hard to cope and getting a bit resentful.
He doesn't do washing up and just uses every piece of cutlery and crockery, he doesn't put clothes away... You get the picture.

It's not like he even takes over looking after DD when he's at home, it's like he can't deal with her for more than a few minutes (she's not a difficult baby) and huffs about changing nappies. She's just under 10weeks and is still breastfeeding a lot but it's like he uses it as an excuse to hand her back to me.

I'm making him sound like an absolute pig, he is a good guy and I be fair I haven't really broached the subject with him yet, mostly because I don't know how.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to see housework needs doing? Is it a bloke thing that they are just able to ignore these things?
Help!

I'd expect him to do stuff on his days off, but not on work days, unless it's changing the bin and taking rubbish out.

Your baby is still very young, when she is older you will both have worked out a new way of doing things, but at the moment everything is going through a bit of a shift.

He should be helping with the baby on his days off, but I'd guess he is still building up confidence, which can take a while, especially when you can't do the feeding.

BrokenSunglasses - women are quite capable of going the bins too. The only way the OP's DP is going to build confidence at looking after his own child is by, you know, looking after his own child. He can surely manage that for an hour or two an evening while the poor OP catches up on some housework. Or actually takes a break.

Looking after a new baby is a 16-24 hour (depending on how well they sleep) exhausting, relentless job. Far more so than the DP's 10 hours!

So the DH does ten hours work then gets carte blanche for the rest of the night. OP does all day and night with the baby and the house. Seems unfair to me. Just because his work is paid employment and yours isnt, doesnt mean that you should forego all rest.

I too would be interested to know how things were split pre-maternity leave.

I really hate this attitude that Mother = Slave. The second that we go on ML suddenly there is shift in the balance of a relationship and suddenly we find ourselves married to a 1950's dad!

I think that we are still fighting against the norms of the last generation who were brought up to work until they had the first child and then be an unpaid maid and housekeeper until death. I know that my mother thought it was appalling that I didnt do my H's washing. I did everyone elses, and as I pointed out to her, if he couldnt press a couple of buttons on a washer and dryer then he had bigger problems than no clean socks.

Actually, thinking about it I do wonder if this attitude has more to do with why so many affairs happen during pregnancy/first year than the "challenges" a baby presents to a relationship.

If the sexy wife is now a mother then he will automatically put her in the same mental category as his mother, and is then casting around for a new thrill.

I think I'd concentrate on him not doing anything with the baby. I wouldn't begrudge him wanting to relax after a 10 hour shift, but I'd want a break from the baby (and he should want to spend a little bit of time with her, surely?) IIRC, DH would take DS and I'd get a few things done around the house (literally a few- I'm not the best housekeeper anyway, but I'd do the things he doesn't 'see'). He'd do the usual things he does (toilet, bins out) and he'd throw in the odd dishwashing or other things.

It's a tough time. Early days babyhood was VERY hard for me (no nearby family, no support network of friends as we'd moved house I had PPD issues) and the odd bit of cleaning was all I could manage outside of bathing myself and feeding the baby.

If he didn't clean much before, he's not going to spontaneously start. In fact, if he didn't clean before, he's unlikely to clean for long now even if you do ask him. Old habits are hard to break. It's worth bringing the subject up to see what he does think he can take on.

if you have a baby who has no issues, ie no colic, reflux etc, I don't know how you could look your partner in the eye and ask him to help with chores after he's done a ten hour shift.
babies do nothing or they're asleep. You have all day to do the chores. All day for a few hours work.
I would feel so guilty if my Dh had to do housework, having worked all day, if I had as an example spent the day doing lunch or watching a movie or going for a walk.

babies do nothing or they're asleep. You have all day to do the chores. All day for a few hours work.

BINGO!

There is a difference between a man doing little housework and a man who treats his partner as his personal servant.

Their baby is only 10 weeks old. They have been in the house a year and he has never cleaned the bathroom. As OP is on ML she was also working during that year and yet it fell to her pregnant to clean the bathroom as well as work. he did a few little things! That is all even then.

It is not hard for someone to put stuff in a dishwasher or wash up a fork and plate after they use it rather than use clean ones all the time and dump them on the side.

Yanbu to want him to help but yabu to expect him to be psychic!

You need to speak to him about it, calmly and agree what you need him to do even if its just tidying up after himself. He's working 10 hour shifts so he shouldn't have to come home and do all the housework, but he should be able to do the dishes after dinner or put a load of washing on. You have a small baby to look after too, so maybe you both need to just focus on getting the basics done for a while . Clean clothes, clean baby, clean dishes (I keep tying fishes, keep them clean too!), vaguely not filthy everything else!

Imo he should be doing half of any job (cleaning or childcare or general house administration) that happens outside his working hours. You are not his skivvy. Being at home with a 10 week old is not a walk in the park either. The way he is treating you is disrespectful.

arethereanyleftatall are you for real? Neither of my babies were like that.

Oh, and good post by AnnieLobeseder

And one last thing (because this thread is making me.ranty).

When I'm working (currently on ml) I work 13 hour nursing shifts, with and hour's commute each way, so 15 hour days. When I get home I participate in both housework and childcare. I suspect this surprises no one because I'm a woman. Why do people thing men are incapable of doing domestic chores after work?

Yes. Both mine were easy,, , literally never cried. so in my particular case, it would have been dreadfully unfair to expect my dhr to do chores.
On the other hand, if they're demanding, it's obviously a different situation.I Don't know about that.

after a similar situ and chat I can now confirm that my husband now

1. rinses the spat out toothpaste from the basin
2. hangs up the wet towel after he has used it.
3. agrees that our EBF baby is not always hungry every time he is grumpy

a long way to go, but both major steps forward

arethere the clue is in the name.....MATERNITY LEAVE at no point has it ever been called "Cleaning leave" "Skivvy Leave" or "Your poor husband cant be expected to wash the dishes Leave".

There is a reason why Nannys charge so much and only take care of the childrens needs, because it is a full time job. To suggest that because the mother is doing that job that she should find the time to another full time job (housekeeping, cleaning, accounting, gardening etc etc) is ridiculous.

No one is saying she shouldnt do anything, but equally, neither should he. I would bet a weeks wages that he isnt the one doing night feeds either. Never underestimate what being on your knees with exhaustion will do to a person.

Oh please. I'm so sick of hearing that having a baby is a full time job excluding all cooking, cleaning and everything else.
I've had easy babies. I've had very very hard babies with serious additional needs. I've been a childminder. It is almost never an actual full time job to the point where you can't possibly do anything else. It's a modern myth that doesn't do women any good, making us out to feeble and incapable.

Of course he should be doing stuff in his own house. He should be doing his share. But his share isn't half, if he's working long shifts on his feet. And its not a gender issue either, when I worked full time and dh wasn't, no way did either of us think that I should be doing half of the housework or cooking.

I think it is fine to ask for a little help when baby or mum has issues.

But when both are well at 10 weeks I would expect a sahm to be able to cope with the baby and housework to be honest.

I'm far from being superwoman but I was away from family and friends when I had DD by C Section. Exp was a dick who did fuck all. I juggled baby, breastfeeding and work within 3 weeks because I had to.

Our mothers and grandmothers didn't have as many labour saving devices as us and possibly more childrencloser totogether in age and would have been expected to keep a nice house, feed her husband and have a slick of lippy on and be smiling when hubby came home.

I'm not suggesting that this was right but there is a danger that we move too far away from this. A home maker should make the home. And for me the less I do,the less I think I can do.

Am currently 21 weeks pg. After the first 2 weeks with baby and expecting DP to do the majority of house whilst I get bfing established he will be back at work doing similar shifts to the OPs and I will do the rest.

It may mean that I whizz round for an hour in the evening whilst he cuddles baby but it's surprising what you can get done in 1 hour. My cleaner used to blitz my house in 3 hours top to bottom including windows or skirting boards.

So I think yabu to ask him to do housework but ywnbu to get him cuddling baby for an hour a night whilst you get some jobs done if you can't manage in the day. Alternatively you can get your jobs done in the day and use the hour to have a nice bath.

I completely and utterly disagree with bogeyface. My dh never 'expected' me to do chores, neither does he think of me as a skivvy, but as I love and respect him, I did them because I had bags and bags if time to do so. He didn't. A baby sleeps on average 18 hours a day, ish. One hour doing chores, one hour doing whatever you fancy a day during babies 2 hour sleep, 2 hours which Dh was working hardly makes me a skivvy. Just sensible and fair.

I can never understand the ideas that a woman on maternity leave isn't working, and that if the partner does any housework it's to 'help out'. When I was on mat leave, I was working full time caring for our child. I was actually working more hours than DH as my 'shift' went on for a full 24 hours while breast feeding. Even when we moved to formula I still did nights if DH was at work the next day, so by the time DH got up I'd already 'worked' several hours overnight! We both felt DH was getting the more restful end of the deal, being able to sleep all night, eat lunch uninterrupted, get a shower without worrying about DS, etc.

In this house housework is 50/50, ALL of the time. We both work full time when I'm not on mat leave (currently 23 weeks with DS2), when I am, childcare is my responsibility Monday-Friday with DH taking over for a couple of hours after his 'outside' job.

I'm fascinated by how this sort of question always seems to become deeply political within a relationship. Sometimes, for some people, it seems to be become about making a point.

Some days a baby won't let you put them down for 2 minutes and you struggle to even get yourself something decent to eat.

Other days the baby is chilled and happy and it's not a hardship to put on a wash, do the washing up etc.

I know my DP honestly works a damn site harder at his job than I have ever worked looking after DC. But then he understood that he got at least an hour sitting on a train reading a book. It's all 50/50. If you've had a good day with the baby and your DH has had a long, shitty day at work, then you've probably got more reserves to do the washing up after dinner than he has.

I have quite a 1950's style relationship really. DH works about 14 hours a day, business travel every other week etc. I do feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes BUT I can say, he would never moan about cleaning standards or mess ever, I never feel pressured by him. He pays all the bills, sorts out a lot of admin in German language and his money is my money. He is also in charge of washing up, so even if I don't wash up all day when I'm doing 'skilled work' washing, ironing etc. He will wash up and then wash up again after dinner. I think its about how you feel - like if you feel put upon then its a chore whereas if you feel appreciated then you don't mind. Christ, I just turned him down to get a cleaner because I was worried about making myself obsolete! 'Housewife' does mean that you should do the house but that role is important and should be respected. Cleaning the bog is just a small part of a bigger picture.

Anyway you say its maternity leave which could mean you are just taking 6 months or a year, in which case I think he should pull his weight - you are not really a 'housewife' so YANBU

Share the housework at weekends. During the week, agree that he should focus on sharing baby time, not housework, so he gets competent with her.