To want DP to share housework while I'm on maternity leave?

[Craftyjessicat]

I don't mind doing a bit extra because I'm at home all day and he works 10hr shifts and is on his feet all day so is pretty knackered when he comes home. However he doesn't do anything, either after work or on days off, he doesn't cook, he doesn't do washing- except occasionally his work shirts I I'm not here. He's never cleaned the bathroom in the year we've lived in this house. He did a few little things before I went on maternity but since then he literally has done nothing and I'm finding it hard to cope and getting a bit resentful.
He doesn't do washing up and just uses every piece of cutlery and crockery, he doesn't put clothes away... You get the picture.

It's not like he even takes over looking after DD when he's at home, it's like he can't deal with her for more than a few minutes (she's not a difficult baby) and huffs about changing nappies. She's just under 10weeks and is still breastfeeding a lot but it's like he uses it as an excuse to hand her back to me.

I'm making him sound like an absolute pig, he is a good guy and I be fair I haven't really broached the subject with him yet, mostly because I don't know how.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to see housework needs doing? Is it a bloke thing that they are just able to ignore these things?
Help!

I think breaking down the day of care for a baby into minutes is hyperbole and deeply insulting to the many women who, at 10 weeks are still feeling the physical and emptional impact of giving birth and now having a baby to care for.

This is not really about housework is it? It's about attitudes and how people treat each other.

All babies are different. All new mums are different.

I am currently watching my 9 month all joyfully crawl around while periodically pull herself up on things. I could be hoovering round her or dusting. Some days I would. Today I am not. Today I am watching her.

Difficult babies aside, I suspect normal babies are as hard or as easy as you make them.

I can hardly type a coherent response as am laughing too much. But I'll try. Seriously? Seriously? I hope you're writing a parenting book on ensuring that mums stop whining and make their normal babies easy.

Because it is ALL to do with us as mums. Nothing to do with genetics, nothing to do with health, or just being, for example, a baby who doesn't need that much sleep. And each day might be different. I'll remember next time that my baby is having a whiny day that I just need to make her easier, and that she is being hard as for some reason I made her so.

Sympathy for you OP. It helps, my DS is 17 weeks and I am still in my pjs. I've hung out a load of washing and put another in the machine, but I chose to do this over getting dressed.

It's hard when you feel like you're doing everything. If your DP isn't spending enough time with your (and his!) baby then that will become a real issue because you will always be the one your baby needs for comforting etc, therefore getting into a situation where you never get a break and you feel like you can't hand the baby over to him.

We have a system in our household now. DH's time off work is our shared time off work, as I am doing my 'job' of looking after the baby and house when he is at work. So, if I've had a hard day with the baby and not gotten anything done he will have a quick rest when he gets home and then take over so I get a break and do the most urgent housework.

On days off we share everything. He also works shifts and does 6 days on, 4 days off. So the bathroom gets cleaned every 10 days unless I happen to get to it earlier (rare!).

Have a chat with him and also suggest he spends an afternoon with the baby, giving him a timetable of your usual routine, so you can do something essential like have a hair cut or get an eye test. The time will help him understand how hard and all-consuming your 'job' is.

This is not about occasionally mopping a floor. This is about a new mum who feels as though her DP does not understand that being on maternity leave does not mean she has enough time to do all the housework.

Something like using up every viable piece of cutlery over washing up is extremely lazy and would drive most people crackers.

To be honest, OP, I focussed less on the cleaning part of your thread and more on the fact that he appears to find it difficult to hold/cuddle your newborn. I would tackle this first. To start with I my DH got nervous around ours as he was afraid of hurting her; I would stay with him while he held her for short bursts, showed him tips and tricks of changing nappies and we did baths together. Slowly, I would edge away when he started getting more confidence, until, after a few months, I didn't even half to be in the same house! HTH OP and well done on coping so far

Put baby in a sling and get on with the housework when you can. Or relax your standards. I agree that mat leave doesn't necessarily turn you into a housewives, but neither can I understand being in the home all day and not getting on with the housework when you can, especially as dh is working 10 hour shifts.
It's not a bloke thing, dh is perfectly capable of spotting what hasn't been done, and has mucked in a lot more once I told him I was struggling with everything. It sounds like you just need to have a talk with him about what he can do to help you out - if you don't ask you don't get. Why wold his behaviour change if youve never pulled him up about it!

I was wondering if anyone would mention the physical act of recovering from birth pass.

I can't be the only one, surely, who had a very long (still having) recovery period.

It took up til he was around 6 months before I could hoover without pain.

I still can't do a full supermarket shop as pushing the trolley means my entire insides feel like they are falling out, and I end up crying in pain.

Do I feel inadequate? Nope. I have accepted that I can't be superwoman, and I will do what I can.

DP picks up the rest. We're a team. And generally my house is clean and tidy by the end of each day. However and whoever get's it there.

Great post frouby

This guy is coming home and using every piece of cutlery without washing up. It doesn't matter if op is doing lots in the day, she'll still be behind on this basis.

First I just want to say thanks for all the posts.
To clarify I don't expect to do nothing all day and him come home from work and do all the housework. I do what I can and whilst DD is generally good she often won't settle unless being cuddled and when I think 'aha I can put her down and get to the washing up (or whatever)' she will inevitably wake up crying within 5mins!

My issue really is that he barely does anything, working days or days off.

I tried talking to him last night, saying I need some help, to which he asked why! To which I replied I can't do everything as despite appearances I am not in fact superwoman! Said I am happy to do more as am not working at the mo but need him to do something's like putting his clothes away and at least rinsing his cereal bowl so there's not dried on cereal bits which take bloody ages to get off. What do you think I came downstairs to this morning? Bloody cereal bowl not rinsed, left on floor in living room! Arghhh!

I will talk to him again tonight. I just want him to be a bit more considerate and not for me to end up having to nag all the time.

Oh and it's not like he does grass cutting, handy house things, unless I ask/nag him about that too. His bloody mother came round and cut the grass yesterday we had her lawn mower and she wanted it back) because he hasn't done it like we both asked him to!

I think part of the problem is he has never lived on his own (went from mum's house to living with me) and she is demon cleaner!

I was thinking I will keep a log of all the things I do during the day so he can see I'm not just sat about watching tv.

A decent sling is definitely something I need to get as the one I have now (a hand me down baby bjorn) kills my shoulders after about 10min so is pretty much useless. Any suggestions?

I would suggest OP, if you haven't run off in floods of tears due to the people telling you it's you who is inadequate rather than your useless DP, that you have a reasonable, calm discussion with him about what your expectations are regarding a fair split of domestic chores. Make sure you both agree to a new regime that's as fair as it can be, and realistically manageable - ie, chores that need doing to keep your home habitable and nothing extra.

Then implement it. You may need to tweak it here and there, and you may need to gently remind him of his jobs for a while. But if he is a decent bloke who loves and respects you, he will do his best to make this system work.

If, however, he hears you, understands you and fails to change, then I'm afraid he doesn't see you an equal worthy of respect and you will have some serious thinking to do.

I really hope the former happens.

Good luck!!

Ah, slings! Hooray! Baby Bjorns are indeed rubbish. My Hug-a-Bug wrap sling saved my sanity with horror-baby DD2. Whether you get a structured one like a Mai Tai or a Hawkbaby, or a wrap like a Hug-a-Bub or Moby, make sure it's soft and flexible, so baby is snuggled right up to you for maximum comfort for both of you.

Wraps can look tricky at first, but they really are the most comfortable, and surprisingly easy once you get the hang of it - there are loads of videos on YouTube to show you different ties so you can find one that suits you.

Ooohh! I have a hug a bub type sling that I bought when I was PG with DC6 and then found my old one! It is second hand but in really lovely condition. I will happily send it to you if you would like it, all I ask is that if you dont like it or when you have finished with it, gift it on rather than selling it :)

PM me if you would like it!

OP YANBU at all, and I think your DP sounds like a slob. I am pretty appalled at some of the comments on here actually.

Bit drastic but......what if you put to one side crockery etc for you and then did no washing up apart from your own? When he asks why it hasnt been done and there are no bowls for his cereal you can tell him that you are following his lead and waiting for the fairy to do it. Same with washing, dont do his. He will soon learn to appreciate what you do when you stop doing it.

This one has been around for years, but always makes me smile when I read it!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply, half shouting.

The smile remained, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Petite women with attitudes like some of the PP's are the reason that this manchild is so fecking useless. I pity the wives that these posters sons marry!

Very good point Bogeyface

Annie and Bogey - both excellent plans, I think I will try reasoned discussion first and if that fails then creating a secret stash of my own crockery is the way to go! Hehe.

He is a decent bloke (despite being a complete manchild) who loves me so fingers crossed plan a will work!

He reckons he "cleaned the whole house" last weekend when I was at my dad's but whatever his definition of that is it certainly isn't the same as mine cos it looked exactly the same as when I left apart from he had put half the washing up away! Haha.

yanbu, of course he should still share the housework

I think this is often the start of problems for couples, the man thinks it suddenly all upto the woman
or perhaps the woman does the lions share while on mat leave and the bloke gets used to it

Sound good OP, good luck!!

I like your posts bogeyface.

OP - couple of things -

One is that if you want things shared between you, in whatever proportion (fifty fifty or other) then you need to be VERY specific between yourselves when you agree what needs doing.

'Clean the kitchen' or 'tidy up living room' mean different things to different people. What might be obvious to you will need to be said out loud, agreed and then maybe written down. Otherwise it won't work.

Re maternity leave - it is amazing and depressing how many relationships get rewritten during the period, and NEVER RECOVER. Men seem only too happy to let the mother of their children take over housework, cleaning, tidying, cooking and the overall running of the household (doctors appts, birthday organising, clothes buying etc etc) while the woman is on maternity leave.

And guess what? if/when the woman goes back to work, it pretty much stays that way. Partly because women often go back to work in a reduced way (lower status, shorter hours), so men can argue that you still have 'more time' than they do, and they shouldn't do anything domestic. Partly because having not had to bother for ages, they aren't suddenly going to pick it all up!

There's another issue about areas of expertise... during maternity leave, things to do with kids and the home become 'her domain' and so issues about how and when to do stuff just drop off 'his' radar. Chance are at the end of 12 months, most mums have got the hang of fitting a minimum of work around a baby's needs. Dad takes over for 2 days, and manages not to lose or injure the child, but doesn't do any laundry or washing up or vacuum because he hasn't had the practice of 'doing it all.'

Sorry to sound so cliched, but it's what I hear from female friends ALL THE TIME. I do think maternity leave is where a lot of relationships get a kind of fatal imbalance...

YANBU.... It is wise, IMO, to not set up a routine where you do everything, least you find yourself continuing on doing everything when you go back to work. Its hard to stop being responsible for things once you've taken them on.

your going to have to talk to him about it though and probably not just expect him to "see what needs to be done".

Oh and Wilson is correct in saying "...for me the priority here would be him not spending any real time with the baby...It can be really easy fir you to grow in confidence, while his slips"

Very, very true.

rain everything in your above post is so true!

Rain and Fixit - totally agree with your posts.
Have been texting him in work today and have agreed to have a proper chat tonight, though he says he doesn't want things to be "regimented" and it seems like he thinks he does more than I think he does so am wondering if I've been a little harsh on him or he overestimates what he does (I'm thinking the latter)!

I may have been a bit harsh on him on the baby front as he does spend time with her, it just pisses me off frustrates me when he huffs about changing her nappies when I do them all day and am only asking him to do one.