To want DP to share housework while I'm on maternity leave?

[Craftyjessicat]

I don't mind doing a bit extra because I'm at home all day and he works 10hr shifts and is on his feet all day so is pretty knackered when he comes home. However he doesn't do anything, either after work or on days off, he doesn't cook, he doesn't do washing- except occasionally his work shirts I I'm not here. He's never cleaned the bathroom in the year we've lived in this house. He did a few little things before I went on maternity but since then he literally has done nothing and I'm finding it hard to cope and getting a bit resentful.
He doesn't do washing up and just uses every piece of cutlery and crockery, he doesn't put clothes away... You get the picture.

It's not like he even takes over looking after DD when he's at home, it's like he can't deal with her for more than a few minutes (she's not a difficult baby) and huffs about changing nappies. She's just under 10weeks and is still breastfeeding a lot but it's like he uses it as an excuse to hand her back to me.

I'm making him sound like an absolute pig, he is a good guy and I be fair I haven't really broached the subject with him yet, mostly because I don't know how.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to see housework needs doing? Is it a bloke thing that they are just able to ignore these things?
Help!

good luck OP - come back and update us if you can!

I think this whole division of domestic labour thing is a huge part of a lot of relationships - and if you have a male partner who has really never done his half of the chores and household running etc pre-children, it only seems to get a lot worse afterwards.

I'd be cautious of the not wanting things to be 'regimented' statement. No reason why they should be, of course (isn't in my house!) - but if that translates into 'I'll do it when I feel I have time' or 'not when I'm tired', then that's easily going to mean that it doesn't happen at all. Who gets back from work and thinks 'wow, I've got so much energy and a whole free evening to do chores!'

A compromise might be agreeing which tasks are to divvied up, and what they involve in some detail and how often it needs to be done (my dp was given 'bathroom cleaning' ages ago - turned out this meant not moving any bathroom items like shampoo bottles, shower gel, toilet rolls, but just somehow cleaning around them. And we hadn't said how often, so it got cleaned once in 5 months. Great). But you don't have to agree exactly when it gets done, as long as it gets done. So it's not 'Tuesday - clean kitchen' as long as the kitchen gets cleaned once in whatever time period you agree.

That way he has got enough autonomy to stop him feeling 'regimented'.

Good luck OP. I think divving up the jobs and doing the 'would you rather change her nappy or start dinner'? thing is the best way forward. You will be glad you put in the effort to change things if and when you go back to work!

When you chat, listen to how he describes what he does. If he uses phrases like "helping out" or "doing you a favour", that sort of thing, then he clearly views the housework as your job, no surprise if his mum always did it.

If he does use that language then it isnt laziness so much as the need to re educated in sharing a home with his family. He needs to learn that while his mother was happy to provide unpaid housekeeping, you are and the vast majority of women are not.

Oh and "babysitting" is a giveaway phrase too. No parent ever babysits their own child.

So we talked and he said he would "do more", which is great but a bit vague! So I'm training him in little stages - we have a agreed that whoever does the cooking the other one will wash up (which will mostly be him as I enjoy cooking more) and that he will put his and the baby's clothes away after washing.
Over the next week I'm going to get him to agree to various other things that he will regularly do.

I feel much better about it and as baby is settling down I am able to get on with more myself so don't feel like am living in quite so much of a tip of a house.

It'll take a while but I think I can get him contributing more, and not just to housework but to baby and general house/life maintenance things, all that boring crap that no one wants to do. Then hopefully in the not too distant future I may end up with an actual adult! Hehee!

Wish me luck and thanks for the help mumsnetters

GOod luck!