to be getting a bit mentally drained by this friend

[dirtyface]

there is an absolutely huge back story to this. in summary, my friend has ME, has had it since she was 16. and has never had dcs, married, moved out of home etc (her parents kind of care for her i think) and a whole host of other physical and mental health problems that i think a lot of them are in her head

she is absolutely lovely. she is clever, funny, loyal, beautiful and a brilliant mate, one of the nicest women i know

the trouble is, she gets into relationships with men who mainly just cannot cope with all her problems. they inevitably act like twats, hurt her, dump her, or she dumps them for being twats. but otoh because of her myriad problems, she can't be the girlfriend that guys want, ie she won't sleep over their house, she won't see them more than a few times a week as it apparently wears her out, but then obviously that means the relationships cant move on naturally. the one or 2 nice, understanding guys she has been with, she dumps them for being too nice

she is also very attention seeking, constantly putting cryptic statuses on FB (usually re latest dodgy relationship or latest health thing) that seemed designed to elicit sympathy. i can tell lately that a lot of people are getting a bit weary of her (we have a few mutual friends) i can tell just by the lack of response on FB etc. she seems to almost revel in many of her various health problems (none of which are life threatening / limiting btw). i also think she should fight it more and tbh her family, in particular her mum is quite enabling. my mum would have told me to get a grip TBH.

i have loads going on in my own life. a home to run, kids, a husband, my own business, money problems, my own mental health problems (anxiety and depression). i worry about her a lot and its all getting a bit much.

i feel like such a cow and a rubbish friend. but its getting hard for me to support her. and i really do want to. sorry this is long but i dont want to drip feed.

so i just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to either me or my friend, and has any advice for me.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

cat you have allowed your experiences and own struggles to make you cynical and feel bitter. Don't be. As long as you try your best don't worry about others. I get what you're saying about attitude. You have struggled and haven't had help. That's hard. Don't worry about how others choose to live their life.

[CFSKate]

People do die from ME, in their teens, twenties and thirties.

catinabox - focus on getting well? I have been ill for decades. Focusing has not cured me. You know what might? A cancer drug called Rituximab. In Norway drug trial it was successful for 2/3rds of patients. If I had a chance to be in the UK drug trial, I would take it.

Anyone affected by ME, click on that link.

[LEMisdisappointed]

The thing is though tabby is that if a person is suicidal and in a state enough to put themselves under a train, their mental state is such that they don't think about the poor train driver, or whatever family they leave behind. Throwing myself under a train is my one horror in life, i am scared that one day i might just do that - there are reasons for this that i i don't want to discuss, but i am on medication to help me deal with the obsession. Suicide IS selfish, i agree, but to someone who is contemplating that, you cannot reason.

As for those who call ME sufferers malingerers - have a It is a poorly understood condition from a physiological view point. It may well be "in peoples heads" but well you know, the brain is an organ too, it may be that ME is a mental illness. Mental illnesses are crippling and life limiting. I suffer from depression and anxiety - in the scheme of things my illness is relatively mild, some days it is all i can do to get out of bed, but then again, maybe im just lazy.

[MoonHare]

OP, my Mum has a diagnosis of ME. She is a very self-centred self -absorbed person. She can be wonderful, she can be tiresome, difficult and selfish. Actually I DO think her behaviour is connected to her diagnosis and not because she feels ill physically but because she is ill mentally. People with ME might disagree with me but I have lived with this all of my life.

Your friend won't change. YANBU to feel the way you do. Don't break off your friendship completely but do not feel guilty about allowing yourself time to step back a little from it. Offloading about how you feel is fine.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

crabag I would say that there are many people like your friend who do as you have described and it give ME a bad name. I have seen it myself. It must be horrible for people who genuinely suffer to have to see but there will always be dishonest people. They are responsible for the scepticism people have towards illnesses such as ME.

[Caster8]

Well done catinabox for apologising. You sound like you have had life hard.

Tabby. You too seem to have had things hard. Perhaps you will understand some more some day, about why some people do certain things the way that they do.

[catinabox]

cat you have allowed your experiences and own struggles to make you cynical and feel bitter. Don't be. As long as you try your best don't worry about others. I get what you're saying about attitude. You have struggled and haven't had help. That's hard. Don't worry about how others choose to live their life

Yeah, i know. I shouldn't judge so harshly. i was with a dear friend a few days ago who is caring for a family member with similar conditions and i really wanted to feel compassion for the family member and her situation. Inside me i was just feeling really sad for this friend who was completely drained by the caring. It stops her being able to cope with the demands of her own life. It made me feel so negative toward the family member, who i KNOW is a lovely person, but i just can't help feeling angry towards her for draining and demanding on my friend who is juggling so much stuff at the moment.

I wish i could be a bit less judgemental and have a more balanced perspective.

I love MN, it's like therapy!! :D

[Caster8]

I dont think suicide is selfish.
I think people commit suicide because they cannot deal with their pain, whatever sort of pain it is, any longer.
It can also be a spur of the moment thing, though often they have already suffered a lot, some of which is hidden.
They may well not be thinking clearly at the time.

[catinabox]

Well done catinabox for apologising. You sound like you have had life hard

Cheers, it's amazingly brilliant now. I wake up most days and can't believe it.Honestly. Even have great family now. V.grateful. I really ought to stop being so harsh.... I think me and DH rip into things together as a bit of a survival thing because of what we've had to do to get well and on our feet. Time to stop!

I have had a few rants on here and i honestly swear that it's making me much more laid back. Thank you.

[Caster8]

From what I have seen, ME is not in the head. It is a physical condition that often affects young, often bright people. And blights their lives considerably.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

cat I totally understand what you're saying. A friend of mine cared for her mother for 5 years ( with 1/2 day help from outside agency twice a week) She became ill herself, her mother passed away and my friend is still very poorly 8 years on.
Never underestimate the strain some carers are put under. It can be dreadful.

[arethereanyleftatall]

To the posters who have ME, and I understand it's horrific, rather than be upset with cat for her experiences, why not be more upset by the pretenders, of which there definitely are, who are making it so difficult for the genuine sufferers to be taken seriously.

[CrapBag]

MrsLouis I agree. It makes me mad that I have this horrible illness and have had it for years, but there are people out there who exploit it and give us all a bad name.

caster you are right. It used to be thought of as a mental illness but it is going away from that really. I have suffered depression but that's because I get down about all the stuff I want to do but physically don't have the energy for. In my mind I am young, fit and healthy but physically there are OAPs who have far more energy than I do.

[kali110]

Dont mind you asking cat. No spinal damage due to stupid work taking the piss and then being diagnosed wrongly for so many years now resulting in them being unable to do anything for it. My point is that i was young woman who looked normal. Work always took piss about my ' bad back'. I carried on with my job people didn't believe me.they didnt see me when i couldn't get out of bed crying or even sit up. My life hasn't been same for 8 yrs. especially for last 16 months with my knees.i haven't done normal things like go cinema or out with mates,my life revolves around when i can take one of my many painkillers but to look at me you wouldnt know. Iv had to quit my job now because i cant stand up for 9 hours a day but unless you knew me you wouldn't know because i tried not to show it too oeople at work because i knew some didnt believe me.
Iv got tics for a band im hoping i will be well enough to go!i have no social life because of all this shit.
I get where you are coming from about having to look after yourself though, iv had mh probs since 17 and certainly didnt have anyone to help me but dont leg it cloud your views of people.

I do agree that people jumping in front of a train is awfull thing to do as it does ruin lives but the person who jumps isnt in right frame of mind to think that. They are also a victim.

[CrapBag]

arethere I am and in fact I have distanced myself from my friend because I do believe she is one of these people.

[Isabeller]

I was very ill with ME for years but very fortunately seem to have made a complete recovery. At worst I was bed bound, when a little better used a wheelchair and eventually worked full time at a fairly responsible job as a wheelchair user. This is now a long time ago.

I'm rather upset to read the blanket judgement of ME as a fantasy or excuse by some posters and don't think this would be accepted if it was directed at another illness. Questioning whether someone has been correctly diagnosed might be unpleasant but at least isn't insulting a huge number of seriously ill and disabled people. I hope MNHQ considers deleting some posts.

I'm sure when I was at my most ill with ME I was sometimes insensitive and self obsessed and I've probably been like that at times when not ill with it.

I think it is difficult to be a real friend to someone who isn't always easy and fun but it is also a test of having good boundaries and not giving more than you can manage. I say this with the shoe on the other foot. I have some friends managing long term health conditions who I have enormous compassion for but not unlimited energy. I don't want to sound as if I think I'm getting everything right here. My boundaries with family can be rubbish.

Good luck OP

[cacamilis]

I don't have me but have a long term illness that some will effects my quality of life, it causes lots of pain, fatigue and stiffness. It limits how many hours I can work among other things but it does NOT define me, it does not make me who I am and the one thing is has taught me is there is ALWAYS someone much worse off.
Many people have long term illness and choose not to tell the world, while others make it their life's work to broadcast it far and wide and use it as an excuse to let life pass them by.

There are times when I take on more than I should and pay the price like going on holiday doing too much, coming home very sore and having to take more painkillers. I make this choice to give our family a great holiday and I enjoy it too in my opinion I would rather have the extra pain for a few weeks in order to have an active enjoyable holiday rather than put the kids into kids club and sit by the pool.

[LEMisdisappointed]

I find it interesting that mental illness is considered to be "not physical" it is physical imo so for me to call ME a mental illness is certainly not trivialising so i apologise if anyone thought that was what i meant. I just meant that it is not a well understood illness. Thankfully it is becoming more so.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

OP as you think a lot of your friend's problems are simply in her head and she "revels" in the ones you do allow may be genuine, why not quietly step back. Let her deal with her love life while you focus on your problems. Friendship is a two way street so if you feel she can't relate to your burdens, and monopolises chat with her world, break away.

I only know one person with ME who before it enjoyed good health and athleticism and never was one for dodging work or taking it easy. Imo the last person you would ever associate with malingering or swinging the lead. Doctors divided on diagnosis, so not surprising laymen can't distinguish between real and imagined effects.

Anyone who genuinely has ME must feel mortified when people pass judgment or mouth off about not taking care of themselves adequately. Anyone who fakes that sort of illness to have an 'easy life' should be ashamed of themselves.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

beyond not helpful.

Can you not see that this is an argument against people who fein illness for their own gain and NOT against genuine sufferers? People who fake/ exaggerate illness exist.
Acknowledging that fact does not mean that there are people who are genuinely very poorly.

[MrsLouisTheroux]

Feign

[MrsLouisTheroux]

"Acknowledging that fact does not mean that there are not people who are genuinely very poorly.

Stupid phone & sausage fingers

[CFSKate]

Sorry, I should have replied first to the OP

dirtyface - I do think it is unreasonable for your friend to wake you when you are ill, if anyone should know how awful it is to lose your sleep when ill, an ME sufferer should know that!
I can't take care of myself because of ME. I would not phone you like that, with no consideration to your own situation.

[OliviaIsOffTheGinMumsnet]

Good evening all
First of all may we direct those of you who aren't aware of them perhaps to our talk guidelines
Secondly OP, do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to our relationships topic.
Thanks
MNHQ