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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to think this child is too old to be exposing himself?

999 replies

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 15:08

Bit of a back story... was delighted when a young family bought the house next door. After the previous elderly couple (who would complain about noise and balls going over the wall etc.,) I thought another young family would be a breath of fresh air and that their boys (8, 5 and 3) would play with my daughters (3yrs and 3 mths).

The first hint that they were not our sort of people became apparent almost immediately. They are both heavy smokers - they must smoke at least a pack a day - but instead of doing it in their house, they (and their friends) congregate on the porch- the smell wafts across into our garden and through the kitchen window. One day it was so bad, you could smell it in my baby's bedroom on the floor above! I asked them politely if they would mind smoking indoors or at the end of their garden - but they were completely unapologetic and said they couldn't do that because in the house if might affect THEIR children - and that at the end of the garden, they would get wet!

She seems to let her kids run wild - she is never in the garden with them, and the noise is something else. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. I went across to complain but the mother couldn't have cared less. She lined them up and made them apologize, but she was all "boys will be boys" and you could tell she wasn't really sorry.

Today has been the final straw though. I came out to find both the younger boys exposing themselves to my older daughter. They had climbed onto their trampoline and were waving them at her. The older boy was there too, but was just laughing. I went round to the mother and told her. . The other mother told me I was "being stupid" and that "they are just little boys" and that I should "get over myself".

I don't think a 5 year old should be getting his willy out in public. Surely if he did that in the class at school he would be in huge trouble? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 06/08/2013 18:30

3 and 5 is the age where children become intensely interested in genitals and especially eachother's genitals. Its the whole doctor nurse games stage. it even has a name (which I can't remember) and is part of resolving the oedipal complex (Freud).

So YABU (but I would still protect my daughter from them IIWY). They don't seem your type.

JenniBoo · 06/08/2013 18:31

what did your previous neighbours complain about and how did you deal with their complaints?

Dione they complained about everything!! They fell out with everyone in the street - they were really very difficult. They complained about me raking the fire in the living room (because it disturbed them watching tv). They complained about my new baby (DD1) crying at night. I don't know what they expected me to do - as I didn't leave her to cry and was trying to soothe her. They complained that is was unsightly to put washing up in the garden on a Sunday and that it should be done in the week. They complained if we had a bbq. They complained if I parked my car on the public road, instead of the dive, as they said it made it hard for them to pull out - which may have been fair enough, but neitehr of them moved their car in the whole time I lived here as they were really both past driving... I did try to point out that they weren't likely to go out (tactfully) and they said it was the principle of the thing!

They were really hard work - but at the end of the day they were old and sick and frightened, and their family seemed to take zero interest - so I did my best to keep thing friends - (even though they drove me nuts) - and would point in and do shopping etc when it snowed.

I suppose I was really looking forward to having more reasonable neighbours.

OP posts:
hatsybatsy · 06/08/2013 18:32

drip drip drip.

OP - IMO none of what you've just said really means that the 5 year old boy is too old to do what he did. which was your question after all.

Now you're just trying to get us to say what a vair wonderful neighbour you are and how scummy your neighbours are. not happening

hatsybatsy · 06/08/2013 18:34

you told them they were too old to drive and that was you being tactful and friendly???

Maryz · 06/08/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 06/08/2013 18:37

did your bbq smoke go in their windows I wonder

Samnella · 06/08/2013 18:40

YABU and a tad Mrs Bouquet. They are 5 and 3 not 15 and 13 FGS.

sameoldIggi · 06/08/2013 18:43

Why did you need to go to the garden to check if she could see? I thought the point was that you knew your dd could see the boys. So possibly she didn't even see anything?

Please don't talk about a three year old being "too far gone" it just isn't nice Sad

SoniaGluck · 06/08/2013 18:43

I went out and check, getting down to her height - she could see

Really? My neighbours have a trampoline for their kids. Our street is on a steep hill and there is a fence - not sure how high. Unless I look out of my back bedroom window I cannot see a thing in their garden.

JenniBoo · 06/08/2013 18:48

No hatsybatsy I said something like "I'm only leaving it there for half an hour, because I'm about to go out again - are you likely to want to move your car before then?" And they said it didn't matter whether they intended to move their car or not, it was the principle.

I suppose they may have been anxious that they woudl have an emergency and wouldn't be able to get their car out. Anyway - I didn't bother to argue - just didn't park there anymore.

OP posts:
JenniBoo · 06/08/2013 18:52

Hi sameoldIggi -I went because everyone was saying that I could only see from my higher vantage point - it is true that I am considerably taller than DD1. However, I checked - and she could see.

Sorry - if "too far gone" offended you, but there is lots of evidence that sets out that the sort of care that children recieve in the first 3 years of life are very influential on how they turn out. I may have phrased it badly, but I'm afraid that is the case.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 06/08/2013 18:54

What exactly is it you want people to say?

You take nothing on board and keep coming out with more and more 'justifications' which in all honesty just make you look more and more uptight.

You ridicule cjel for pointing out that as the mother of a 3 year old and a baby you may not actually know how hard 3 boys of 3, 5 and 8 can be to look after.

You clearly don't like you neighbours and are not willing to listen to anyone else's opinions. I don't even know why you posted - oh yes I do, you were hoping for a pat on the back about how you dealt with your awful neighbours, and when you didn't get that, started being mean about small children and basically bad-mouthing a family you know nothing about.

OK, so you didn't like the willy waggling and everything else. The boys were throwing stones and one nearly hit your baby - you told the mum and she made them apologise. Let that go. The willy waggling is innocent they are small kids, you are letting yourself get hysterical for no good reason.

I can't stay away from this thread, it is like crack, yet every time I read it it makes me more and more sad, and a little bit angry. I would hate to think that my boys silly antics were being judged so ferociously.

JackieTheFart · 06/08/2013 18:57

You checked? Really?

FrussoHathor · 06/08/2013 18:58

How convenient for the boys to throw another stone. We're they punished enough for your liking?
How do you know he was debating making a fuss? Can you read minds?

And only half a chocolate cake how kind you are to give your neighbours your waste food. Hmm

Oh and to see it as scary seems to be a melodramatic statement, admit it, you're just pissed off because you think it's all this unneighbourly willy jiggling and stone throwing is going to rub off on your dd.

crunchbag · 06/08/2013 19:00

Well she couldn't really ask her DD, what if DD had said no I didn't see anything...

FrussoHathor · 06/08/2013 19:03

Sorry - if "too far gone" offended you, but there is lots of evidence that sets out that the sort of care that children recieve in the first 3 years of life are very influential on how they turn out. I may have phrased it badly, but I'm afraid that is the case
Well since your dd is already 3 I would worry that she's going to start willy waggling at people, or even remember it.
Based on the above statement She may be more affected by OPs over reactions to mundane events, or a dad who works away.

FrussoHathor · 06/08/2013 19:04

I wouldnt* worry about it.

merrymouse · 06/08/2013 19:11

Well I would appreciate scones!

Anyway, I wouldn't mention the willy incident to parents or stone throwing - I would assume that boys have now been thoroughly told off for later incident, (and in the unlikely event that they haven't, there is nothing you can say to change this.)

To be honest, I would give the whole family a wide berth for a while and just smile when you see them. If you have a big garden, I would find a space to play where your daughter can't see them. Just discuss your plans for hedge/leyland thingies/bamboo on Friday.

If your other neighbours are nice just be thankful for that.

insanityscratching · 06/08/2013 19:12

I'd imagine that having a mother hysterical about some pretty minor events and very normal behaviour from small boys will have far more impact on her than an incident of willy waving that could have been ignored and her daughter distracted from tbh.
Children learn about life from their parents mostly and OP is teaching her daughter intolerance, hyper vigilance and how to be judgemental not very nice attributes really are they?

FrussoHathor · 06/08/2013 19:25

merrymouse I'd appreciate a whole chocolate cake.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/08/2013 19:26

Jenni, what complaints did they make regarding your DDs and how did you deal with them? What did you say/do in response to their complaint about you raking your fire too loudly?

merrymouse · 06/08/2013 19:28

Nope, definitely wouldn't say no to half a chocolate cake. I'm just easy.

phantomnamechanger · 06/08/2013 19:33

merrymouse, excellent advice about giving the neighbours a wide berth, I am sure the neighbours would be absolutely delighted if the OP just avoided them from now on.

OP, you are seriously running the risk of your anxieties rubbing off on your children. Your 3 yo will pick up that you are cross/upset but she is too young to understand why and may worry that something is her fault. You cannot whisk her inside every time the boys next door are playing out, and I also agree totally that by causing a fuss now or appearing snooty and standoffish, you will only bear the brunt of silly pranks and mild abuse when the boys are a bit older.

My neighbour smokes in the garden. And has 4 dogs that bark a lot. I just shut the window/door if its bad because of the wind direction and ignore the dogs because my kids have over the years cried, fought, yelled blue murder when we were trying to give them medicine etc etc. Not once did my neighbours complain. We are not best mates, we do not go round for coffee or BBQs etc but we pass the time of day civilly if we meet outside. And keep an eye out for deliveries for each other, that sort of thing.

This is all about your preconceived ideas that a family next door with children would be just like you and you could be best friends - but having decided they are just not good enough, everything they do or do not do will seem bigger and more significant because of your anxieties - for which I hope you are getting some help.

JenniBoo · 06/08/2013 19:35

Is it really rude to take half a chocolate cake? It had never occured to me that people might be miffed - but tbh, I would nromally take it to one of my older neighbours who live alone - or just a couple, so they probalby wouldn't be able to eat a whole chocolate cake? Maybe you have a big household FrussoHathor? Surely you could make your own cake then?

She was just a baby, so they weren't really complaints about her iyswim Dione They complained about her crying - but it wasn't like I was leaving her to cry anyway. I would just nod and apologise for disturbing them. Eventually we moved her bedroom to the other side of the house, but it seemed to have no impact on how much they complained!

When she was 1 we bought one of those little tikes cubes for the garden. They told us very huffily that you really needed planning permission for one of those, and that it broke the conditions of the Deeds. We just gawped at them - I think by this stage they were both getting a tad confused about things. They also told me off for keeping chicken illegally. We weren't keeping any chickens!!

I think we handled the fire like most things. We would listen, nod politely and then change the subject. I suppose I think throwing stones is in a different league to raking your own fire - do you not think so?

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 06/08/2013 19:38

I just cannot wait for the day that smoking is completely banned. It is so grim. The smell makes me puke. You wouldn't do a shit outside and waft it into your neighbours house. So gross.

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