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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to think this child is too old to be exposing himself?

999 replies

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 15:08

Bit of a back story... was delighted when a young family bought the house next door. After the previous elderly couple (who would complain about noise and balls going over the wall etc.,) I thought another young family would be a breath of fresh air and that their boys (8, 5 and 3) would play with my daughters (3yrs and 3 mths).

The first hint that they were not our sort of people became apparent almost immediately. They are both heavy smokers - they must smoke at least a pack a day - but instead of doing it in their house, they (and their friends) congregate on the porch- the smell wafts across into our garden and through the kitchen window. One day it was so bad, you could smell it in my baby's bedroom on the floor above! I asked them politely if they would mind smoking indoors or at the end of their garden - but they were completely unapologetic and said they couldn't do that because in the house if might affect THEIR children - and that at the end of the garden, they would get wet!

She seems to let her kids run wild - she is never in the garden with them, and the noise is something else. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. I went across to complain but the mother couldn't have cared less. She lined them up and made them apologize, but she was all "boys will be boys" and you could tell she wasn't really sorry.

Today has been the final straw though. I came out to find both the younger boys exposing themselves to my older daughter. They had climbed onto their trampoline and were waving them at her. The older boy was there too, but was just laughing. I went round to the mother and told her. . The other mother told me I was "being stupid" and that "they are just little boys" and that I should "get over myself".

I don't think a 5 year old should be getting his willy out in public. Surely if he did that in the class at school he would be in huge trouble? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Xihha · 05/08/2013 19:12

About DD getting a rude awakening when she starts school - we've picked a really small, girls only school with really small classes that seems really lovely - so hopefully this wont' be an issue for her there!

Even in lovely, small, all girls school there are boisterous children, admittedly theres not much willy wiggling but girls can be just as boisterous as boys!

oldgrandmama · 05/08/2013 19:13

Well ... I agree it's a bit disconcerting to see little boys waving their willies around but little boys do seem to go through a phase of that sort of thing - along with rude songs, and falling about at any mention of 'bottoms', 'bums', 'poo' etc. etc. I'm sure they'll grow out of it (my grandsons did and are now the nicest ten year olds ever. As for the other annoying habits of your neighbours - it's tricky. Could you invited the mum in for coffee, or both of them around for a drink? Establish some sort of rapport with them, which might make it a bit easier gently to point out the things that are making you suffer? But bear in mind, kids DO make a lot of noise playing and the odd ball will come over the fence. Not much you can do about where they smoke - it is on their own premises, after all.

Sorry, I'm not being much help. But do try and make friends with them.

RandallPinkFloyd · 05/08/2013 19:16

Can I just clarify, the fence is 5 foot? Yet by standing on a trampoline a 5 and 3 year old were able to wave their willies over it?

Is it a very high trampoline or are they very tall children Confused

ArgyMargy · 05/08/2013 19:16

I haven't read all 13 pages but I think there are things on both sides here. Chesterberry has very sound advice. My two DS never waggled their willies at neighbours but they certainly did at each other and at DH (and vice versa). It's attention seeking behaviour and like most attention seeking behaviour, if ignored it goes away.

insanityscratching · 05/08/2013 19:18

They aren't nasty boys they are just little boys. Don't you think you should be giving your dd the opportunity to mix with boys as well as girls though?
FWIW dd went through primary with a few "difficult" boys and they never once bothered her because having brothers she'd just give them a look of disdain her friend whose dm was quite similar to yourself was teased regularly because they liked to hear her squeal and cry. You are doing your dd no favours by giving her the impression that the little boys are something to worry about.

WestieMamma · 05/08/2013 19:18

Yes, DD was upset by it - she is quite a sensitive child, and she does cry quite easily - so it's hard to know what precisely upset her. It is possible that had they just been calling names at her, she would have cried at a that.

So you weren't in the garden with her, despite critising your neighbour's parenting in your OP because she isn't in the garden with her kids. Seems to me that you have a problem with double standards.

Ezio · 05/08/2013 19:18

5 foot is not actually that high, i look over it, consider getting a 6 foot fence, then no more acrobatics from the willy wavers.

RandallPinkFloyd · 05/08/2013 19:23

I was just trying to envisage it. 5 foot is about up to my shoulder. A trampoline suitable for children that young is probably up to my knee-ish? I just couldn't fathom how a 5 and 3 year old could be waving their willies so a 3 year old could see them.

I think I might be over thinking things a little!

But yes OP, you absolutely should phone the police, and do please pop back and tell us all about it Wink

Moxiegirl · 05/08/2013 19:24

My 2 and 4 year old dds would probably have found the willy waving hilarious!
I can't see that your neighbours have done anything wrong, you really can't tell people where they should smoke in their garden and they apologised for the stone thing.

Moxiegirl · 05/08/2013 19:27

So she only plays with girls and you have picked a lovely all girls school. With a bit of luck she may never have to encounter evil boy children then Grin

crunchbag · 05/08/2013 19:30

Are you sure your DD actually saw anything? No way she can look over a 5ft fence and I doubt the boys can jump that high whilst deliberately waving their willies around. And even if they could, they wouldn't be in the air long enough to show much.

If loud older kids upset her then I suggest your work on that with her.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 05/08/2013 19:30

Maybe after girls school a convent could be next and then she might never have to deal with nasty boys op. that must be one steep hill in your garden to give your daughter such a clear view . But you were right to move onto the possible name calling when the willy waving did not get the desired result.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 05/08/2013 19:33

As an aside like most people I do not support bullying of little girls but I am struggling to find any truth in your sequence of events and your views on little boys are frankly bonkers coming from a mother of both.

CorrineFoxworth · 05/08/2013 19:35

I don't see anything inherently wrong with trampoline-induced willy waving but then I do not happen to live in a detached house with no over-looking neighbours at the sides or back. I live in a terraced house which backs onto more squashed-up terraced houses and gardens and two blocks of flats overlooking everyone.

DS is autistic and he does not go outside with his pull-ups uncovered by shorts because I don't have the luxury of not having neighbours judging me for lazy parenting and possibly putting in a call to S.S for neglect given that he "looks normal", but is six years old.

I'm just relieved that none of them have called the police when we have had to cut his hair - the sound is blood-curdling.

If by some miracle my DS was in control of his bladder and bowels I'd let him wave free if he could not be seen, but if you live on top of other people some consideration should be shown.

toffeelolly · 05/08/2013 19:36

Op so these boys are nasty do you really not realise how you sound,

well I will tell you ,you sound like a real pain in the are.

You sound like the type of mother who is wrapping their little girl up in cotton wool.

As the mother of two little boy's who are lovely , hope maybe one day you might have a lovely little boy.

Just do not like the way you call these children nasty, would you like somebody to label your daughter as this

No I do not think so.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/08/2013 19:36

We're you outside when this happened OP? Are you sure that the boys intention was to frighten or harass your dd?

I know that if my ds2 did something like this, it would be with the intention of making the other person laugh - because he finds his willy hilarious! There would be no malicious intent whatsoever. I think that you may have given the actions this meaning rather than your dd.

As for picking a nice girls school with small classes - your dd and pfb and I think that's an important point will have to learn to mix with boys at some point, you do need to make sure that she gets that opportunity sooner rather than later.

CorrineFoxworth · 05/08/2013 19:39

That said, you do sound a bit of a loon, OP.

MarnieMadden · 05/08/2013 19:40

I wonder if the OP would have had such a problem if it was girls flashing their bits, rather than boys. I think the problem is you don't like male children OP, your daughter is going to have to engage with them at some point you realise.

Twattybollocks · 05/08/2013 19:43

Willy waving is quite normal 5yo boy behaviour from what I've seen. My sons favourite game has been "1001 things I can do with my willy" since he first managed to get his hands in his nappy at about 4mo. He is now 8.5 and still runs up and down the landing after his bath doing the naked willy dance. He will grow out of it soon I'm sure. While its not quite the same thing with waving it at someone outdoors, they are doing it to get a reaction, the same way that your daughter will probably start to say things like "poo" because they are perceived as rude and therefore are hilariously funny to all small children, at least all the ones I have met, but then I realise I may not be "your sort of person" either, since I also smoke outside my own home, in my own garden, in the fresh air, which no one owns and is therefore a perfectly legal pastime.
Stone throwing isn't particularly nice, but the stone wasn't thrown intentionally at your baby, and she did tell them off for that so really, you are being pretty unreasonable, probably because you consider them to be way beneath you socially, which is a shame really, because they may actually be a really nice family, and the kids would probably have a whale of a time together.

gordyslovesheep · 05/08/2013 19:46

hysterical ...both the OP and the replies! just the ticket - thanks Grin

Wishihadabs · 05/08/2013 19:46

Ok have read the whole thing now. TBH OP I think it was naive of you to think that a 3yo dd who is quiet and sensitive was going to pal up with 3 boys. What on earth were your expectations of this family ?

I would also like to say that the teasing I'm dealing with this summer is from a 7yo girl, who torments my 9yo Ds and some kittens we are looking after. So girls can be horrible too. FWIW I do think calling names whether Willie's were involved or not to a child who is visibly upset is nasty and the 8yo should know better than to encourage his brothers when your dd became upset.

However I am baffled as to why you didn't either
Take her into the house with a loud let's get away from those SILLY boys or tell the 8 & 5 yo to stop it and that they were upsetting her.

Sparklymommy · 05/08/2013 19:47

As a mum of two girls and two boys I think you'll find you cannot wrap your dd up in a girls only world and have everything hunky dory. Girls can be very cruel to each other as they get older you know. Perhaps single sex school isn't the best for your already sensitive little girl. I find boys, whilst boisterous do not tend to play mind games. Girls can leave much worse psychological scars.

Sleepwhenidie · 05/08/2013 19:56

I have DS's, 8 and 3 and a DD, 5. Ds2 is completely obsessed with his willy and thinks it is the most hysterical thing ever to wave it at other children (he is getting the idea that adults don't appreciate it Hmm). Dd is a complete angel in school but at home her other (badly behaved) side comes out and she is not beyond dancing and flashing her bottom. She knows it is unacceptable at school/in company, but with a bunch of other kids, plays it for laughs. I think you are being slightly precious OP, but only because you aren't used to older kids, particularly boys. Unclench a little, I really don't think they were being mean...

CorrineFoxworth · 05/08/2013 19:57

I'd second that Sparkly. Especially during the vulnerable early teenage years. All-girls' grammar had me convinced I was hideous and weird but I was the belle of the ball during my two years at mixed sixth form. The scars took much longer than that to heal, of course. Physical and psychological.

aladdinsane · 05/08/2013 20:01

I love your description of your group of friends NCT types - how disturbing that you ended up with neighbours like those

You do realise that you have turned into your old neighbour dont you?