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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting to take my niece to buy a book for her birthday?

89 replies

sallyisita · 05/08/2013 10:38

Okay, for some reason this is knotting me up, so maybe someone can help me unravel it...

My friend, who is now my SIL, has 3 children aged 4, 5 and 8. They don't have much room in their house, and so for the youngest two's last birthdays I took them to a bookshop to choose 2 books. I recently trained as a primary school teacher and am passionate about quality books, and so encouraged them to only get one TV tie-in type at most. They both seemed happy with the gift.

Both times my friend commented that 'they have too many books', to which I replied 'you can never have too many books'... I think this must have been simmering for a while, she isn't into books much for herself and I don't think she reads to them much. They ask me to read to them whenever they see me.

For the eldest's birthday I wrote in the card that I would take her to buy a couple of books, but did not see her on the day. With the summer holidays, I asked my friend when would be a good day for the eldest to sleep over and take her for the books? She stated that she had too many books. I asked if she could maybe get rid of some of the old ones and some other ideas, but she said 'her reading is fine, how about some maths materials?' she was then impatient with me and said 'she's not having any more books!'

I just said okay, and left it. A couple of weeks later I took the eldest away for the weekend. She had £15 to spend, and we went to a car boot. She said that she wasn't allowed to have any more books. I suggested to her that she might get rid of some old ones, and then her mum might let her have some more, and left it there. What she did buy was certainly bulkier than the Micheal Morpurgos and History non-fiction that she had her eye on.

Yesterday I saw the eldest's room, complete with a fair few books, but not great quality, and certainly space for more. Is there anything I can do/say?

The subject has been closed by my friend, and we have drifted apart a bit, because I have had a child, ironically. The way I have done everything is different to her way... I'm less mainstream... she did once state 'can't you do anything the normal way?' after she asked about how I was weaning and I mumbled about baby led.

Her eldest loves reading, and reading is one of my own greatest joys... I hate the idea of never being able to buy my nieces/nephew beautiful books to counteract their piles of TV tie-ins.

OP posts:

AllOutOfIdeas · 05/08/2013 10:46

I agree with you and would rather have books for my dc than some of the bulky toys they have been given but never played with.

But to keep the peace, sadly I would respect your sil's wishes.

What was wrong with the maths things she suggested though?

Can you go down the nice pens/notebooks to encourage your niece to write her own stories?

Buy books for your house and lend them to your niece so she gets to read them but your sil can't complain about storing them at her house?

theodorakisses · 05/08/2013 10:49

Too many books? What is this language you speak!

BrokenSunglasses · 05/08/2013 10:49

They aren't your children, so if you ask a parent about a gift and they tell you something that they don't want their child to be given, you have to respect that. Even when it's books.

If you want to give them books, you'd have been better off just given them ones you had chosen rather than making it into an issue when you knew your SIL was of the opinion (rightly or wrongly) that they didn't need more books. But it's a bit late for that now. I'd leave it, buy presents that your SIL would appreciate her children having, and when they are older choose books for them yourself.

Your SIL is probably taking your pressure over books as a criticism of her parenting, and that's why she's reacting. You are coming across as if you don't think she is doing a good enough job.

You have been given a suggestion of something else educational that you could get, which would probably be helpful to the family as your training will help you know what maths materials would be good, so just respect that instead of pushing the books issue for now.

bragmatic · 05/08/2013 10:49

Buy her a maths book and membership to the local library.

LunaticFringe · 05/08/2013 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 10:51

You sound overbearing and a little patronising - although I can see your intentions are good. You need to back off.

LunaticFringe · 05/08/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 10:54

You can have too many books, I had too many and now have a kindle.

cornypepper · 05/08/2013 10:54

perhaps your friend thinks you are preaching to her a little bit about books and parenting? It does come across a little bit like that.

cornypepper · 05/08/2013 10:57

I agree with arisbottle..I have too many books and so do my ds's.
I never understood the books sitting on a bookshelf that you will probably never read again thing.

I give all my fiction books to my dm. She keeps trying to give them back to me once she's read them, as she has too many as well!

Scruffey · 05/08/2013 11:03

They are her kids and she has asked you not to get any more books. Regardless of whether this is the ideal course of action, you have been very rude and single minded in pursuing it. I would lay off or you may find yourself relegated to "annoying relative I have to tolerate" status.

hairylittlegoblin · 05/08/2013 11:05

Your friend categorically told you she didn't want any more books. You then went to a car boot with her eldest child and told this child that if she got rid of some old books she might be able to have some new ones.

Change books for DVDs or computer games and you can see how your friend might get upset. I am glad that you have such an appreciation of books but you do come across as a bit judgey. You've said that the children have books but seem to object to the quality. If I were your friend I think I would feel judged and pressured by your actions, however well intentioned.

Why not leave it for a while and buy the children clothes as a present? A pretty t shirt will be just as useful in the short term and if the eldest is a keen reader you can support her in this without challenging your friend.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/08/2013 11:10

I wouldn't organize library membership - you would definitely be stepping into parent territory there and you sil will almost certainly take it as a judgement on her parenting abilities.

Books are a wonderful gift but you''ve made this into such an issue because you do come across as quite negative about her choices that all you can do is respect her decisions. If you don't, then you will find yourself being cut out of their lives.

I do think you are right about the books but if sil was imposing her choices on your baby's upbringing, you would soon get fed up too!

elQuintoConyo · 05/08/2013 11:17

Telling someone who doesn't read and who doesn't want books in the house 'you can never have too many books' is beyond patronising and intellectual one-upmanship.
Even though I totally agree with your statement! Choose your audience.
Buy presents that she has suggested - the maths stuff sound good, educational and much needed.
I'd be tempted to buy a toy/huge bag of sweets/funky t-shirt as well - I'd have been bored shitless with maths stuff aged 8, even if I needed it. That would have been a shit birthday!!

insanityscratching · 05/08/2013 11:19

Maybe but her a Nook and load it with books she might like and top up when you want to. It won't take up much room and it will be something that will be useful for years to come.

GhostsInSnow · 05/08/2013 11:20

Buy the eldest a £29 Nook? Then you can out ebooks on it for special occasions and there is no more room being taken up ;-)

GhostsInSnow · 05/08/2013 11:20

*out = buy

pictish · 05/08/2013 11:23

OP I agree with you - BUT it does sound like you are kinda forcing the issue. Your intentions might be good, but you're going over their mum's head if you persist.
She isn't arsed about books, and that's the bottom line. It's not really up to you to put her right. I think that's what she thinks you're trying to do and in a sense she's right. You are coming over just a smidge on the snotty side.
She won't thank you for it.

Buy loads of books for your own dc, and forget trying to convert hers. Not your place, even if it is a shame they're missing out. x

ENormaSnob · 05/08/2013 11:24

You sound patronising and annoying tbh.

We definately have too many books in this house. I have a cull every year and yet they seem to multiply.

My dc dont need anymore books until they have read and enjoyed the numerous ones they already have.

Loa · 05/08/2013 11:27

Educational games, maths board games, or computer games or equipment would be the way to go. She has given you an area where your educational bent can be expressed.

Having already mention to the mother the idea of getting rid of some book to get more and got no response it was inappropriate to mention it to the DC ?very close to undermining their mother to them.

They are an age where they can get hold of book via school - well my DC can via school library and home corners. So worry less about what they have in their home - they may well be suplimenting via a local library anyway.

You can't keep pushing books if the mother is saying no ? it will just mean a worse relationship with all the family.

Take the maths suggestion she gave you and run with it - it is just as important skill area to get passionate about.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 11:28

well of course they can have too many books maybe they dont read/look at them all you sound a bit over baring you sil knows her children best by them a craft kit or something she can use and get involved with ,

toomanyfionas · 05/08/2013 11:31

I think it was quite rude of you to insist on giving a present that was specifically not wanted.

Your sil does not want you to give books. Get over it.

Persisting because you think you know best is terribly patronising. Maybe get yourself a book on respecting others' choices.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 11:33

and what did you mean not great quality a book is a book surely ?

thebody · 05/08/2013 11:33

there is more to life than reading.

sport, games, puzzles, cook

pictish · 05/08/2013 11:41

Put it this way OP...I love books and I am good at reading to my children and do so willingly. On the other hand, I am not a big fan of doing crafty projecty stuff with them. Every time I get one of those sets my heart sinks.
If my friend or relative knew I wasn't into it, yet made a point of repeatedly buying them, because she liked them and thought I should too, even though I had asked her not to, I would probably get rankled.

Having said that - I do think she's being a bit of a cow. I have never had the bad grace to refuse any gift - even craft sets.

If you have pushed the book thing quite obviously, then that would explain it I guess.

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