in wanting to take my niece to buy a book for her birthday?

[sallyisita]

Okay, for some reason this is knotting me up, so maybe someone can help me unravel it...

My friend, who is now my SIL, has 3 children aged 4, 5 and 8. They don't have much room in their house, and so for the youngest two's last birthdays I took them to a bookshop to choose 2 books. I recently trained as a primary school teacher and am passionate about quality books, and so encouraged them to only get one TV tie-in type at most. They both seemed happy with the gift.

Both times my friend commented that 'they have too many books', to which I replied 'you can never have too many books'... I think this must have been simmering for a while, she isn't into books much for herself and I don't think she reads to them much. They ask me to read to them whenever they see me.

For the eldest's birthday I wrote in the card that I would take her to buy a couple of books, but did not see her on the day. With the summer holidays, I asked my friend when would be a good day for the eldest to sleep over and take her for the books? She stated that she had too many books. I asked if she could maybe get rid of some of the old ones and some other ideas, but she said 'her reading is fine, how about some maths materials?' she was then impatient with me and said 'she's not having any more books!'

I just said okay, and left it. A couple of weeks later I took the eldest away for the weekend. She had £15 to spend, and we went to a car boot. She said that she wasn't allowed to have any more books. I suggested to her that she might get rid of some old ones, and then her mum might let her have some more, and left it there. What she did buy was certainly bulkier than the Micheal Morpurgos and History non-fiction that she had her eye on.

Yesterday I saw the eldest's room, complete with a fair few books, but not great quality, and certainly space for more. Is there anything I can do/say?

The subject has been closed by my friend, and we have drifted apart a bit, because I have had a child, ironically. The way I have done everything is different to her way... I'm less mainstream... she did once state 'can't you do anything the normal way?' after she asked about how I was weaning and I mumbled about baby led.

Her eldest loves reading, and reading is one of my own greatest joys... I hate the idea of never being able to buy my nieces/nephew beautiful books to counteract their piles of TV tie-ins.

Sound like OP that you will possibly never 'win' with your SIL.

As a kid I got given a few 'Anne of Green Gables' worthy classics that I never got on with but I also recieved beautifully illustrated fairy tale books, Black Beauty, Wizard of Oz, Stig of the Dump.... brilliant stuff and stuff my own parents would never have picked up. It stretched me and gave me choice.

No one gives my kids books.DD1 loves reading, we go to the library and I order stuff for her but no one else actually chucks a book in her direction and says 'try this, tell me what you think'. Books and comics seem to have gone from being a standard present/treat in the 1970/80s to being just a school or library thing.

Try a subscription to The Pheonix , very popular with DD (8 & 6)

Oh that's so sad

I love my kids having tons of books. £20 spent on books every few months is so much better than yet another piece of plastic!

But, regardless of the fact that you are right (IMHO), you can't parent other people's kids.

If SIL in law has said no books then you need to respect that and just forget about it. If you try to push this, or even try to address it, you might find you're not allowed to have her kids for weekends anymore.

If she's not a book person and presumably doesn't understand the benefits of books on children's broader imagination/speech/everything else then she probably thinks that by pushing books you're suggesting her kids reading/writing/vocabulary isn't up to scratch (esp bearing in mind her 'her readings fine' comment.)

Sad as it is, you can't win this one.

CharlieHunnams has the perfect solution, I pity the child whose mother resents books. Reading = knowledge, knowledge= power.

You could sound a bit too full on book brigade to her to be honest. I'd feel the same.

YANBU OP. I don't agree with the posters here who think you're being pushy or interfering. It's pretty rude of your SIL to react to your gifts with such bad grace. Good quality books are a lovely gift and who knows, you might just be exactly what one of her children needs - someone to offer the reading opportunities they need. Is there a way of continuing to do this for them without putting SIL's back up too much? Next birthday you could simply give them one good book plus something crafty or mathsy or some chocolates?
I agree with you about quality books, too - all children's books are not the same. It doesn't necessarily mean getting "classics", but it does make a difference how good the books are. Just on a basic level I'm often horrified at how many spelling and grammar mistakes are left in some of my niece's (clearly poorly edited) less good children's books, especially the commercial / TV tie-ins. IMO there is a limit to the idea that reading anything is good even if it's not great quality - poor quality also turns children off reading, too.

I'm a teacher and I don't care whether they're reading the classics a tv tie in, or comics. As long as they are reading. In fact, I suggest this fart book to parents regularly! A child who derives enjoyment from reading any type of literature, no matter how "poor" you may perceive it to be is more likely to be a lifelong reader than someone forced to only read "good" literature.

My parents were very puritan in their literary tastes when I was young: not to the extent of forbidding me books, but I was made to feel uncomfortable reading any book that didn't conform to their very high standards of worthwhile literature. My mother has told me that she feels more comfortable reading older books because there is a recognised canon so she doesn't have to worry about whether a book might not be worth reading. (I refrain from asking what's wrong with using her own judgment).

Later in life I have tried to write. And found that this narrow, don't-ever-let-yourself-be-contaminated attitude is about the most serious drawback you can have as a writer. It's not even great for an academic (which is how I ended up). But it took me years to shake it off.

I am sometimes glad that my mother doesn't see all that goes on in this household because she would probably pity dc, exposed to all sorts of popular culture. and want to rescue them. But I am equally convinced that I am doing the right thing and would resent interference.

georgettemagritte Tue 06-Aug-13 10:35:08
"Just on a basic level I'm often horrified at how many spelling and grammar mistakes are left in some of my niece's (clearly poorly edited) less good children's books, especially the commercial / TV tie-ins. IMO there is a limit to the idea that reading anything is good even if it's not great quality - poor quality also turns children off reading, too."

Now that is a problem. Dd in Yr 6 had a big thing about Jane Austen. And you certainly wouldn't pass any spelling tests with Miss Austen for a guide. Perhaps I should have been relieved when she turned to Twilight series

I totally and absolutely agree with you re books. But on the other hand you can't tell people how to bring up their DC's. Maybe on MN but not in real life!

this shouldn't even be an issue. You've been asked quite explicitly not to buy her books. So don't.
Not sure whats up with TV tie ins either, a love of one so of book can surely lead to another?
YABU.

I agree with you about books but you would really piss me off if you were my SIL.

Your niece has books. It's none of your business if you approve of them or not.

cory the only spelling variant left in modern editions of Austen is typically 'shew' for 'show', unless she is reading Austen's early juvenilia; a child reading Austen in yr 6 is certainly going to be advanced enough to cope with that! Big difference from a preschooler Disney tie-book which is meant to be a first reader which has systematic mistakes with plurals, apostrophes, bad editing so spelling mistakes left in (which these were), which will just confuse a child learning to enjoy reading rather than anything else.

*tie-in not tie

I unravelled it pretty quickly.

1. You buy two of her children books for their birthday. Both times she gives a massive hint that it's not the best pressie for them by telling you they have too many. On hearing this you basically tell her that the reason is invalid

1. You then bypass the parent for the next child, offer her books via a card. You follow up the offer with the mother who again tells you that they have too many books. So you attempt to problem solve,something that she doesn't want you to solve, with the obvious. This could come across as patronizing.

By this point you've irritated her enough that she's had to stop the hints and tell you straight.

1. The daughter is away with you, tells you that she cant have more books and you have to push it still.

There is nothing you can do, or say. Don't say anything, it's none of your business. I hope it's only books you carry on like this about to her.