Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to take my niece to buy a book for her birthday?

89 replies

sallyisita · 05/08/2013 10:38

Okay, for some reason this is knotting me up, so maybe someone can help me unravel it...

My friend, who is now my SIL, has 3 children aged 4, 5 and 8. They don't have much room in their house, and so for the youngest two's last birthdays I took them to a bookshop to choose 2 books. I recently trained as a primary school teacher and am passionate about quality books, and so encouraged them to only get one TV tie-in type at most. They both seemed happy with the gift.

Both times my friend commented that 'they have too many books', to which I replied 'you can never have too many books'... I think this must have been simmering for a while, she isn't into books much for herself and I don't think she reads to them much. They ask me to read to them whenever they see me.

For the eldest's birthday I wrote in the card that I would take her to buy a couple of books, but did not see her on the day. With the summer holidays, I asked my friend when would be a good day for the eldest to sleep over and take her for the books? She stated that she had too many books. I asked if she could maybe get rid of some of the old ones and some other ideas, but she said 'her reading is fine, how about some maths materials?' she was then impatient with me and said 'she's not having any more books!'

I just said okay, and left it. A couple of weeks later I took the eldest away for the weekend. She had £15 to spend, and we went to a car boot. She said that she wasn't allowed to have any more books. I suggested to her that she might get rid of some old ones, and then her mum might let her have some more, and left it there. What she did buy was certainly bulkier than the Micheal Morpurgos and History non-fiction that she had her eye on.

Yesterday I saw the eldest's room, complete with a fair few books, but not great quality, and certainly space for more. Is there anything I can do/say?

The subject has been closed by my friend, and we have drifted apart a bit, because I have had a child, ironically. The way I have done everything is different to her way... I'm less mainstream... she did once state 'can't you do anything the normal way?' after she asked about how I was weaning and I mumbled about baby led.

Her eldest loves reading, and reading is one of my own greatest joys... I hate the idea of never being able to buy my nieces/nephew beautiful books to counteract their piles of TV tie-ins.

OP posts:
ChristalTipps · 05/08/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddiemairswife · 05/08/2013 11:44

You can never have too many books. My house is full of them. It wouldn't feel like home if I got rid of them. OP, when I read your post it reminded me of my aunt. There used to be a large bookshop in Oxford Street called Bumpus, and each year around my birthday my aunt would take me there to get a book, and afterwards we would have afternoon tea at the Marble Arch Lyon's Corner House.

thebody · 05/08/2013 11:50

you realise you are being a preachy pain in the arse don't you? even if you don't mean to be.

there are loads of things to get kids as well as books.

games, craft materials, maths things, DVDs, sports equipment. endless list.

you seem very one track minded and determined.

recreational reading is a hobby not a requirement.

back off.. or you will loose a friend/alienate your sil.

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 11:53

eddiemair you can have too many books if they are in the way. If you have books on every wall in every room and then piling on the floor, there are too many.

Add message | Report | Message poster ChristalTipps Mon 05-Aug-13 11:44:25
There is nothing more annoying than a friend or relative who is a teacher and they think they know better.

I totally agree with Christal.

PenelopePipPop · 05/08/2013 12:00

You aren't just judgy about books over toys. You are judgy about 'beautiful' books over TV tie-ins.

That is proper judgy and I'm judging you for judging like that. For a child a book is a book, let them choose what they are interested in.

Otherwise I totally agree with Pictish. We seem to get given loads of cupcake decorating shite. I cannot think of anything more inherently pointless than decorating cakes, but I'm always gracious when DD gets one of these. On the other hand if a friend made a big deal about how I should bake more with DD and spend less time reading with her and kept wanting to take her to Lakeland to buy more baking crap I might make a pointed remark or two...

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 05/08/2013 12:01

Me I get the whole ' can't have too many books' thing, i'm one of those sad cases who refuses to have a kindle.....BUT you do sound like a pain in the arse. Sorry.

And it's not 'baby led weaning' it's fingerfoods !

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 12:02

thats what I meant Penelope a book is a book to a child if its is peppa pig wears her wellies or a classic it doesn't matter it is still a book

iseenodust · 05/08/2013 12:08

I'm of the can't have too many books mindset but recognise not everyone else is. If you're letting them choose a book then tv tie-in or not it's their choice.

For maths resource buy the books Mansion of Mazes/Cavern of Clues. Wink

OneStepCloser · 05/08/2013 12:10

Another one who loves books, dc loves books, we are always buying them. But, you sound so patronising, they are not your children so I would back off.

DoJo · 05/08/2013 12:15

Trying to 'counteract' the books they have been given by their parents with books that you have deemed suitable is beyond interfering and strays into control freakery. Deciding unilaterally what is best for someone else's kids is annoying, overbearing and probably more likely to be the reason you have drifted apart then her thoughts on your child rearing style. It is not your place to decide whether there is room for books, it is not your place to go behind your friend's back and undermine her choices for her children and it is not your place to keep harping on about how your thoughts on childrearing are more valid than hers just because you are a recent teacher trainee.

BTW I say this as someone who has a lifelong love of books, most of which came from the library or school simply because it allowed me to read the number I wanted to without costing anything, so don't kid yourself that this child is unable to read voraciously just because you aren't allowed to buy her two books a year.

PenelopePipPop · 05/08/2013 12:18

I agree MrsJay. As a parent I would deeply prefer it if DD would favour the funny classics over Peppa but unfortunately she is not with the program yet and I think it is more important she chooses books she enjoys than ones I do.

MovingForward0719 · 05/08/2013 12:21

I don't think this is about the books tbh, I think it's because you are imposing your opinion of how she should bring up her kids. Why not buy the little girl a book voucher then mum can take her and choose.

thebody · 05/08/2013 12:23

or comics and annuals.

OrlaNuttin · 05/08/2013 12:24

I agree that you can never have too many books and the idea of a Kindle makes my eyes hurt but...

you do come across as preachy and judging another person's parenting (though with the best intentions). It sounds like SIL might be at the end of her patience with the book thing.

Also, (as a primary school teacher), stop with the 'not a tv tie-in' stuff. Children should read what they enjoy, and some of the tv stuff is beautifully written. You can take a child to a classic, but you can't make them enjoy it!

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:36

I don't see why people get so offended by kindles, I love the fact that I am able to get a book in seconds, I read much more now that I have a kindle. I am also more adventurous in my reading. I still have lots of books, I am lucky in that I have a room with nothing in it bar books, a kettle and a sofa! We also have books in the living room, books in our study, the children's bedrooms and the playroom /snug. I think we have too many books which is why I have bought kindles.

crunchbag · 05/08/2013 12:39

I agree with lots of posters here that you come across as patronising with your 'quality' books.
A Morpugos book would gather dust in our house where Captain Underpants would be read over and over again.

In short YABU

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:46

One of ours loathed Morpugos as well, in fact I think only one of ours read them.

ConcreteElephant · 05/08/2013 12:46

I'm sorry but I agree with those who say you are being a tad preachy and patronising. I love books, I am passionate about literacy (I'm a librarian myself) and often buy books as gifts, but I would never do that if it was going against a parent's wishes!

Also, I'm finding your attitude to TV tie-ins a bit sneery. Who cares what children are reading as long as they are reading? My own DCs love Peppa for example, the show and the books - I don't really see a difference between curling up with Peppa and curling up with the Gruffalo. It's about variety, choice and following your interest at that moment. I love Russian literature but wouldn't read it every day.

When working in public libraries I'd hear parents telling their children that a particular book was too babyish/ too challenging/ they'd read it before, why get it again? and, if an opportunity arose, I'd suggest that none of these things really mattered, that as long as they were reading, enjoying books it was all to the good. I applaud your passion but perhaps try to rein it in a bit?

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:46

Is it Ok if they see a classic on TV and then want to read it?

Arisbottle · 05/08/2013 12:49

For example one of ours that loathed Morpugo (is that spelt correct?) went to see War Horse at the cinema, she then read the book. For her it is a TV tie in.

I can remember the Pride and Prejudice series of the 90s, I am sure that made many people read the book, for them it was a TV tie in.

SaucyJack · 05/08/2013 13:00

Let me explain. The reason this is "knotting you up" is because you're a narcissistic control freak who is fundamentally unable to cope with people who dare to not do what you have personally decreed what they should be doing.

I had couple of friends like you meself. Funnily enough, they were all either teachers or social workers

Crinkle77 · 05/08/2013 13:01

sorry but yabu. Your friend said she did not want the children to have any more books and you ignored her. You may not agree with her choice of reading material for them but that is not your call to make.

cornypepper · 05/08/2013 13:05

I used to be Hmm about kindles till I was bought one...now I can't find mine I'm really missing and and I'm having to buy bulky paperbacks.
kindles are better value and are better for your eyes as well.

hamab · 05/08/2013 13:18

I think you mean well but you need to reign in your passion. It may well come across as criticism and your persistence interfering.

Squitten · 05/08/2013 13:25

Whilst I am of the same mindset as you OP, in that I don't think you can have too many books, I think you are coming across as being very over-bearing and pushy.

Firstly, if you wanted to give them books, then just GIVE them the books! There's no need to make such an "event" out of it. Also, your friend seems to not want any more books for the kids, for whatever reason, so I think you should respect her wishes and buy some of the myriad other things that children also enjoy, and maybe stick a book in there too.

You do sound very judgemental about the kind of books they should have and how you think they are organising their stuff in their own home so perhaps your SIL is sensing it and it's annoying her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread