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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting to take my niece to buy a book for her birthday?

89 replies

sallyisita · 05/08/2013 10:38

Okay, for some reason this is knotting me up, so maybe someone can help me unravel it...

My friend, who is now my SIL, has 3 children aged 4, 5 and 8. They don't have much room in their house, and so for the youngest two's last birthdays I took them to a bookshop to choose 2 books. I recently trained as a primary school teacher and am passionate about quality books, and so encouraged them to only get one TV tie-in type at most. They both seemed happy with the gift.

Both times my friend commented that 'they have too many books', to which I replied 'you can never have too many books'... I think this must have been simmering for a while, she isn't into books much for herself and I don't think she reads to them much. They ask me to read to them whenever they see me.

For the eldest's birthday I wrote in the card that I would take her to buy a couple of books, but did not see her on the day. With the summer holidays, I asked my friend when would be a good day for the eldest to sleep over and take her for the books? She stated that she had too many books. I asked if she could maybe get rid of some of the old ones and some other ideas, but she said 'her reading is fine, how about some maths materials?' she was then impatient with me and said 'she's not having any more books!'

I just said okay, and left it. A couple of weeks later I took the eldest away for the weekend. She had £15 to spend, and we went to a car boot. She said that she wasn't allowed to have any more books. I suggested to her that she might get rid of some old ones, and then her mum might let her have some more, and left it there. What she did buy was certainly bulkier than the Micheal Morpurgos and History non-fiction that she had her eye on.

Yesterday I saw the eldest's room, complete with a fair few books, but not great quality, and certainly space for more. Is there anything I can do/say?

The subject has been closed by my friend, and we have drifted apart a bit, because I have had a child, ironically. The way I have done everything is different to her way... I'm less mainstream... she did once state 'can't you do anything the normal way?' after she asked about how I was weaning and I mumbled about baby led.

Her eldest loves reading, and reading is one of my own greatest joys... I hate the idea of never being able to buy my nieces/nephew beautiful books to counteract their piles of TV tie-ins.

OP posts:

MiaowTheCat · 05/08/2013 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/08/2013 13:47

Surely any book is reading and therefore good? I don't understand what you mean by bad quality? As long as it is age appropriate theme wise it won't do much harm?

Could it be that the children bring home a lot of books from school? DD brings home 3 school reading scheme books a week plus a sharing book. This means that our vast collection (the children have a large book case full of their books) barely gets a look in for DD in term time.

Your SIL has said her DD is struggling a little with maths, and I think supporting that area of her learning is much more important at this point in time. I would go with a maths based gift, there are some good workbooks out there that make maths puzzles fun.
Maths is just as important for school aged children as reading is, yet our school only send home reading and writing homework.

MadBusLady · 05/08/2013 14:09

Oh gawd, are you sure you're not projecting an idealised image of voracious starry-eyed readers onto these children? My nan used to do this to me, take me out to buy "my" present and talk me into Anne of Green Gables or some other classic when all I wanted was yet another crappy story about ponies and possibly some crafty things. But I knew I got approval and attention from her when I bought the thing she suggested, so that's what I did, and the classic would gather dust on the shelf until the next charity shop sweep. My literacy and education levels turned out just fine, thank you. I still haven't read Anne of fucking Green Gables.

FrussoHathor · 05/08/2013 14:22

Yabu. Let your sil parent her own children.

I had hundreds of books as a child, and rarely read them more that once. I probably spent more time using them piled up under a sheet as hills for my toy animals.

and having books doesn't mean sil actually has enough time to read them with dcs. Having 3dcs can be manic at times. A workbook that they can do independently may be more of a help.

madoldbird · 05/08/2013 14:24

Your SIL has explicitly asked you not to buy them books. The reasons behind it, your judgements about it, your love of "quality" books, are ALL irrelevant. You be the parent you want to be, and let her do the same. There are so many other things you could buy - clothes, board games, music, construction toys, etc etc. Or take them out to the theatre (but not to a tv tie in show ).

As others have said, build up a library at your own house, to enjoy when they visit. Perhaps also spend someone one to one time with your friend / sil, if at all possible, it sounds like the relationship is becoming quite strained over what really do sound like first world problems.

tabulahrasa · 05/08/2013 14:40

But if they enjoy reading why would you stop someone buying them books?

I mean I don't like lego, but the DC did, so people bought them it, if they were short on room they cleared out some old stuff...why is it any different just because it's books?

I agree that the children should be allowed any book, even if you think it's rubbish, but I don't see how buying them books when they want them is wrong.

MadBusLady · 05/08/2013 14:56

Do you get that from the OP tabulah? From what I can see, the OP tells the children she is going to take them out to buy them books for presents. We don't really know whether they are regularly pressing their noses up against bookshop windows and being thwarted by their "mainstream" mother or not.

When the eldest was in a situation where she could buy books or something else, and wasn't obligated to the OP in terms of it being a present, she bought something else - something which was, as the OP noticed, bigger than books so the "I'm not allowed because there's no room" excuse doesn't really stack up at all.

No 8yo given £15 and free reign has that much self control, it's quite possible she just bought exactly what she wanted to buy and had to do some wriggling to get the OP off her back as regards books.

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2013 15:02

I can understand what you're saying OP and where you're coming from but...

My God Back off with the holier than thou attitude.

Your SIL probably agrees that you can never have too many books, but maybe she'd rather cut out her kidneys than admit that to you.

Turn off the school teacher mode and save it for your own kids, before you make an enemy of your SIL and hers.

Ticklemonster2 · 05/08/2013 15:18

You are being rude to your SIL, possibly without meaning to be.
She has suggested a present to buy for her child so what is wrong with buying a wanted item that will be appreciated?
It's not for anyone to tell your SIL how to parent and in doing so (even in the slightest) you are going to alienate yourself. UABU, sorry

Jan49 · 05/08/2013 15:21

Your SIL has made it clear several times that she doesn't want you to buy her dc books so I find it weird that you are still trying to. You obviously believe they need more books but it's not your house or your dc.

I definitely think you can have too many books, of course you can. I used to have too many and have now cut right down and I find I read more now that there aren't so many to choose from. Books can fill and clutter your house just like anything else can.

NatashaBee · 05/08/2013 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inkspellme · 05/08/2013 16:09

I love books but you are def coming across as a"I know best, I am a teacher". Get something else which is fun and Educational. A board game? Scrabble? Art sets? lego? There are So many lovely choices.

Original poster

sallyisita · 05/08/2013 18:06

I agree that you are all right, and that I probably knew that in my heart of hearts, which is why I was tied up in knots about it. I suppose like everyone, I wanted to do the right thing. Cheers for all the helpful suggestions.

OP posts:

MiaowTheCat · 05/08/2013 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 19:52

Or take them out to the theatre (but not to a tv tie in show grin ).

I saw in the night garden was touring

PenelopePipPop · 05/08/2013 19:53

Sallyisita ooh accepting you are being U is very not unreasonable. All confused now. Still y'know good work and all that.

McNewPants2013 · 05/08/2013 20:11

My DC have to many books. They even have doubles of some book because I have forgot that they have that one.

I get all my books from charity shops and I don't see the point of paying £££ for children books.

When someone ask what the DC would like for birthdays my main response is art thing.

foreverondiet · 05/08/2013 20:13

Do the kids like reading? At 4 or 5 little point in buying if their mother won't read to them, really you are wasting your money. Perhap buy audio book for the younger kids, if they have something to listen to it on.

At 8 she reads on her own, so as she will read independently then ignore the mother and buy books - you say she loves reading - I think would be reasonably to buy - and say to her that she can store them at your house once she had read them.

Original poster

sallyisita · 05/08/2013 20:15

Well y'know, I try not to be knowingly unreasonable, it just happens as a nasty side effect of being human and apparently a closet pompous snob.

OP posts:

bettykt · 05/08/2013 20:17

Buy your niece a secondhand kindle. I'm sure your SIL wouldn't object to that.

formicadinosaur · 05/08/2013 20:32

Your SIL is bonkers. Have you explained to her how a love of reading can help them fly through school?

elQuintoConyo · 05/08/2013 21:28

I, too, can be a closet pompous snob sallyisita you are not alone!

Ok, so maybe not so closet now!

My DSis is very much into the pink/blue theme for her dc, making stupid comments when her DS wears his big sister's Barbie leotard or some such. Ridiculous. But, not my business and I don't buy them obviously gender-neutral clothes, or dolls for him/trucks for her even though I'm ITCHING to

CailinDana · 05/08/2013 21:39

Far too many children are put off reading by snooty primary teachers like you who make them feel like the books they actually enjoy aren't "good enough". Rather than reading and enjoying the stories that appeal to them they are faced with "classics" that they hate. You cannot dictate to people what they "should" enjoy, that's just a basic fact of life that you'll have to accept.

As for criticising your friend's parenting, you have plenty of time to learn for yourself how hurtful and galling that is. I'm guessing you will look back in a couple of years and cringe.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2013 21:40

Aw, lay off the OP! I am a closet snob too! I would never say I thought TV tie-ins were crap, and accept them graciously as gifts (or read them willingly when they come back from school or the library) but they are the first ones in the give-away pile when I'm clearing out the shelves...

Reading is reading is reading, as lots of people have said, and ultimately if a child enjoys what they're reading then that is great. But it's not the end of it. Sometimes kids need to be stretched too, to get out of the comfort zone. There's also a great deal more you can get from beautiful books where the images and the back story and everything else isn't proscribed by a TV series, imho. For myself, I like downmarket stuff and upmarket stuff, non-fiction and fiction, depending on mood, and that should be the same for kids. It's about choice. OP was just trying to encourage choice...

adeucalione · 05/08/2013 21:54

YANBU. I think your plan to take your DN shopping for books on her birthday is a lovely one and the correct response from your SIL - in being faced with a day's childcare and a thoughtful present - is 'thank you' (even if she's eye rolling inside).

If you were buying something noisy, messy, bulky, age inappropriate or requiring parental supervision I would say YABU but you're not - if DN likes and wants books then ignore her daft mother who clearly considers books to be in the same category as maths equipment.

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