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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that a lot (but not all) "Gentle Parenting" FB pages are full of sneery nobbers?

294 replies

Fourwillies · 05/08/2013 08:37

Inspired by a post by MrsDeVere, and the fact that I have just removed myself from FOUR of these pages, I'm reaching the conclusion that despite the high ideals, there are a lot of judgemental sneery fuckers on these pages, clueless about anything beyond their own nose.

[and relax]

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/08/2013 16:00

Coco I think that you are supposed to be as quiet as possible around your newborn, and apparently nobody should be holding him apart from 'mama' and her partner. So you can't offload baby to your mates and have a good natter and gossip around precious baby. Sounds like a recipe for pnd to me.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 16:01

I'm liking the sound of 'unconscious parenting'. I'd like to have slept through most of it. Grin

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/08/2013 16:03

Oh no sorry the chatting bit is about other people talking around the baby. So you are only allowed to talk to your partner Hmm

SarahAndFuck · 05/08/2013 16:11

I once made the mistake of posting for help on breastfeeding on an unmoderated Facebook page. It was the middle of the night, DS would not latch on to one breast, I was bleeding from the other, I was in agony and DS was starving.

I received hundreds of replies, only one or two were genuinely helpful and kind. The majority were reasonably kind but still fairly forceful in their insistence that we could and should "just try harder" but they gave no real advice on how.

And then a scarily large amount were outright hateful rants filled with comments about rat poison, accusations of being selfish, insults about my DH expecting me to use my breasts for sex not feeding and statements that we might as well just throw our newborn in the back of the car without a car seat and drive him the wrong way down the motorway because it was just as much a risk to his life as formula feeding.

Almost nobody actually wanted to give advice and help, they just wanted to judge, sneer and attack anybody who had a moment of doubt.

I am not saying that everybody who breastfeeds is like that, but often these pages are unmoderated or not moderated properly and they are open to abuse by some of their members and it quickly escalates.

I would never use one of those pages now.

I like CocaColaMum's philosophy actually. Do whatever it takes to get you all through the day happy, healthy and alive and with a hug at the end rather than tears. You do what you can to raise you child in the best way you can and if you have to attack someone else when they ask for advice, perhaps you ought to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why you feel the need.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 16:17

Agree with whoever said that this 'natural mama' business is pretty misogynistic.

Got the vote? Allowed to own property? Got a career? Well fuck all that: unless you are willing to strap your children to yourself for years and years and whip your dugs out on demand until they choose to release you you have FAILED, woman. FAILED. And what's more, you will LOVE EVERY MAGICAL MOMENT of your martyrdom because if you don't then there is something WRONG with you.

FrigginRexManningDay · 05/08/2013 16:19

Sorry I should have been clearer. My child no longer drinks formula or has a soother as she is a toddler. I am simply relaying that the general population of my local toddler group are those who identify as natural/gentle parents. Their children are regularly attacking,not snatching or being boisterous but scratching,pulling and biting other children. The parents pass it off as their children needing wind down,tired,hungry and thus try to talk their children out of it whilst their child shrieks into another child's face. Toddlers are well able to understand boundaries and how they can hurt others. These parents are turning people off the local group (which was a lifeline for many a stressed parent/carer and was a source of support) with their judgment,superior attitude and total up themselves ness.

FrigginRexManningDay · 05/08/2013 16:25

Ehric I had no partner so I would be stuck chatting to myself or the cat and tbf he isn't much for conversation Grin .

cocolepew · 05/08/2013 16:28

Thanks Ehric, sounds shite interesting

KatoPotato · 05/08/2013 16:29

One of my toddler group Mums spends over 30 minutes asking her daughter to 'please let me put your shoes on'

Is the gentle parenting? I shouted 'cheerio' as I rugby carried mines out.

rowtunda · 05/08/2013 16:29

ha - completely agree! Gentle parenting, attachment parenting, unconditional parenting - the term are just so sickening and sneery!

FrigginRexManningDay · 05/08/2013 16:33

Half an hour to put her shoes on ?Confused Hmm
School run is going to be a big shock to her Grin .

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 16:39

In RL I'm a psychotherapist. I'm 100% convinced that these kinds of dotty parenting fads are going to create entirely new classes of neurosis for my profession to deal when the children raised this way become adults.

anklebitersmum · 05/08/2013 16:41

Seen that sort in action myself FrigginRexManningDay

Child screaming, kicking, hitting and attempting to bite his Mother because she had forgotten his nursery jumper. Having quite the tantrum not that we haven't all been there at some point . Her soothing tones and "I'll buy you a new one when we're inside dahling" were at bit of a Shock Hmm to me though.

Oddly enough I later discovered he was the pinching, hitting and generally unpleasant umpteenth accident form but we're not allowed to name names, sorry child that DD has been moaning about after he hit her in the face with his water bottle and blacked her eye during lunch.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 16:45

There's one at the school I work in. Does the whole quietly explaining things to her 8 year old, while he either totally ignores her or goes into a foot-stamping tantrum because he can't have what he wants. He tried it with me and it didn't work out well, lost playtime etc.

I do think it is fine to quietly explain things to children but at length is going to be lost on a young child and sometimes kids need to learn that no means exactly that or it will set them up for a lifetime of disappointment.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 05/08/2013 16:47

All this stuff is a huge eye-opener to me. When did it all start? Only I finished producing sprogs in the early nineties and I'm pretty sure there was none of this giving every damned thing a name and feeling a failure if you couldn't/didn't want to do it.

I blame the internet. I don't think any of it has got anything at all to do with the wellbeing of the baby and everything to do with a certain section of women relishing in their new found ability to make other women feel bad. And if that's the case it's a fucking disgrace and the more we work to debunk this shit the better. So to the one protagonist on this thread - you may take your damned baseless superiority and shove it, well oiled with full fat sausage grease and smeared in E numbers and sugar just about as far up your fundament as you can see without having a nervous breakdown and needing a meet to get over it.

That is all.

KatoPotato · 05/08/2013 16:47

tbf it wasn't 30 uninterrupted minutes, she'd plead, dangle the shoes then let her tear off and demand toys off other toddlers then try again. 'Please Anaglypta, we need to go, Granny will be sat outside the house'

This same Mamma told me that at home her DD slept in her double bed and she folded herself into her Peppa Pig toddler bed. not quite co-sleeping as 'evicted parent sleeping'

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 16:49

Pmsl @ little Anaglypta Grin

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 16:50

This same Mamma told me that at home her DD slept in her double bed and she folded herself into her Peppa Pig toddler bed. not quite co-sleeping as 'evicted parent sleeping'

Shock
mrsjay · 05/08/2013 16:52

oh good god at the HAT article

KatoPotato · 05/08/2013 16:54

I shouldn't snigger but DH whistles the Peppa Pig theme tune when we see her in the distance.

She really was insufferable when they were all babies, I was always the rogue member of the group as we only found out I was pregnant at 23weeks so the 'flying by the seeat of your pants' school indeed!

Secretswitch · 05/08/2013 16:54

I tried a website full of gentle parents. I asked for assistance with getting my baby to sleep more than hour at a time. I was breast feeding and exhausted beyond belief. The answer I received back was " Who said you have the right to sleep? Your infant's need come first!"

HoleyGhost · 05/08/2013 16:54

" Got the vote? Allowed to own property? Got a career? Well fuck all that: unless you are willing to strap your children to yourself for years and years and whip your dugs out on demand until they choose to release you you have FAILED, woman. FAILED. And what's more, you will LOVE EVERY MAGICAL MOMENT of your martyrdom because if you don't then there is something WRONG with you."

This.

I have seen friends run themselves into the ground due to these parenting choices. They break down in the end and take antidepressants to survive.

Women who had so much energy and drive becoming shadows of their former selves due to years and years of sleep deprivation and self sacrifice.

It could easily have been me if not for some sensible friends.

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 16:55

Sometimes they were even shawled.

dear god not a shawl Grin

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 16:55
Shock
SpanielFace · 05/08/2013 16:56

Love this thread. I totally relate to so much of this. I went to a few sling meets when DS was newborn - I wanted to try a few slings before I bought one. Turned up to the first with DS in a pram (I didn't have a sling - clearly that's why I was there!) and was made to feel terrible as I wasn't "wearing" him. I only wanted one so I could walk the dog more easily! DS is now 11 months, and so far I am subscribing to the "muddle through each day as best as you can" school of parenting. I'm assuming this will continue for some time!

Love sanctimommy, whoever mentioned that up thread!