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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry at this man in the shop today?

112 replies

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 22:40

I genuinely don't know...I was standing looking at something in M&S...moderately busy but not rammed.

Anyway I felt an arm around my waist...it was a man who was wanting to get past and as he was approaching from behind me, that was his way of letting me know...putting his arm around my waist and kind of moving me to one side. Angry

I whirled round and if my eyes could shoot fire I swear they burned him a bit because he kind of stepped back quickly and looked a bit nervous...he said "Sorry!" in a genuinely sorry way...had my two DC not been nearby I would have said "You don't touch women you don't know you knob!"

But as DC were with me, I didn't say anything.

WIBU to be so annoyed? Is it normal to do this when someone's in your way?

OP posts:
SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:45

Rather than speak to me...he just used his strength to move me....
^Neo

A sexist pig or someone wanting to use his strength or power wouldn't apologise!

^^ me after.

I hadn't mentioned strength or power til then!

Power and strength are the same thing.

I never even said the OP was UR. I just disagreed with sexist remark and how he said sorry and the OP even said her self it was a genuine sorry.

Now if he was a dick I very much doubt he would have apologised.

I even stated I understood her feeling like that.

If you want to take that as belittling go ahead. I couldn't give a duck tbh.

These are my opinions.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:45

Fuck**

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 04/08/2013 23:46

No, they're not the same. Confused

Not quite sure why you think they are.

But you're entitled to your 'opinions'.

Night night.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:48

I used a word and you used that to try win an argument because you didn't agree with what I was saying.

Not everyone will agree with you.

Lazyjaney · 05/08/2013 00:04

Man puts hand on OPs waist and moves her, apologises to her

OP admits she so hates being touched even her DH isn't allowed to unless pre-arranged.

On this evidence MN cabal takes 4 pages to decide he's a pervy bastard wankyman.

Par for the course I think....

LilacPeony · 05/08/2013 00:07

I agree with you OP. I'd definitely say "excuse me" rather than do that to anyone, man, woman or child.

HoikyPoiky · 05/08/2013 00:21

I would have just thought he wasn't thinking rather than he was being inappropriate and rude. It wouldn't have bothered me.

NapaCab · 05/08/2013 04:09

For everyone on the thread who thinks the OP was being unreasonable, ask yourselves: would this man have put his arm around the waist of another man and moved him out of the way?

Of course not. Because he would have got shoved in return or possibly even punched. It shows a lack of respect for the OP as a person to 'move' her out of the way like a child.

The only positive explanation I could give for him is that he may have been from a more touchy-feely culture where close contact with strangers is more acceptable. In UK culture, however, personal space is very important so the OP was most definitely NOT being unreasonable to have been annoyed.

If it was imperative that he touched the OP to alert her to his need to get past, he could have just tapped her on the shoulder.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 05:07

I did similar three times today in B&Q - 2 men & a woman. All were on their phones and it seemed more polite than loudly asking them to move. I also went the long way around countless times so as not to disturb people - I think all of Hampshire were at B&Q today :)

If you don't like it, you don't like it - but actually, you don't get to determine what other people do or don't do.

As for comments like 'I think the vast majority of men know not to touch women they don't know' - really, I'm handing you a grip.

What's with 'WAIST' in capitals? Yes, your waist, not your bum, not your boobs... your waist, torso, middle of your body... hardly an intimate spot.

If your own DH can't touch you without asking first, my advice would be that you could do with some counselling.

daisychain01 · 05/08/2013 05:30

If you don't like it, you don't like it - but actually, you don't get to determine what other people do or don't do.

The point being that surely because people dont know each other's preferences, when out in a public place, then err on the side of caution and just dont touch, simples!!!

nooka · 05/08/2013 05:34

Chipping are you seriously saying that you put your hand around three strangers waists in order to move them out of your way? I cannot imagine ever doing that, it seems to me an incredibly rude way to interact with someone you don't know. I have had no particular experience with being groped, but I would be very uncomfortable if anyone came up behind me and moved me out of the way using a hand on my waist.

A quick tap on the arm perhaps after an "excuse me" if the person was standing directly in front of something I want to buy, but otherwise I'd wait for them to move on or go another way round.

dh would be even more uncomfortable about it, especially if it was a woman that touched him like that.

Oh and the OP didn't say her husband had to ask before touching her, just not to take her by surprise, again my dh doesn't like that (makes him jump) and no I don't think he needs counseling.

VixZenFenchell · 05/08/2013 05:47

What NapaCab said!

This man felt it appopriate to physically move you (however gentle the push was) out of his way. No way would he have done this had you been male. However, a woman out shopping is obviously not entitled to the same level of respect.

I'd have been fuming. He would have got The Look, an icy "Do you mind removing your hands from me Now!" comment, followed up by a statement that if he felt he couldn't fit past without rudely shoving strangers, he should look for an alternative route or lose some weight.

Ledkr · 05/08/2013 06:49

A massive German guy picked up my 10 yr old dd under the arms to mover her along so his dc could stand in her spot and watch the parade at Disney.
I was so angry i could hardly breathe, not only did he moved her away from me but as a pre pubescent girl she was starting to develop and his hands hurt her boob buds.
It was so hard as I don't speak any German so I tapped him hard on the back and did my best to stab him with my eyes.
He laughed nervously but his wife seemed angry and told him off I think. I continued to bore into him for about half an hour hoping to make him uncomfortable.
We were alone but I seriously think dh would have walloped him.
Bastard.

Lazyjaney · 05/08/2013 07:06

Perish the thought he was just trying to get past a dithering shopper, rather than being a sexist pig wankyman bastard etc etc.

It must be very difficult for some people to get through each day if even these small things offend them so much, and a PITA for their DHs to be forever having to wallop the infringers.

Mind you, I read today that one pensioner killed another over a disabled parking space yesterday, so I'm thinking it's a flak jacket next time I go shopping. There are clearly some strange people out there....

Ledkr · 05/08/2013 07:14

See you are still in the attack janey
It would help you to read posts fully.
I suggested my dh may have walloped a man who had moved his dd so that his children could stand where she was and inadvertently dig his big fingers into her sore developing breasts Hmm
I hardly think that would be an unusual reaction from a father fgs.

nooka · 05/08/2013 07:15

But lazy we all come across dithering shoppers on a regular basis. When is the last time you put your arm around someone's waist and pushed them out of your way?

He might not have been a sexist pig wankyman bastard but nonetheless his actions were inappropriate and would have bothered a lot of people. An 'excuse me' would have worked perfectly well in the circumstances, and if that didn't work a light tap on the arm would have likely caused no alarm. Putting your hand on a stranger's waist is much too familiar.

ArtVandelay · 05/08/2013 07:41

I'd have gone mental. YANBU. It's just a nasty disrespectful thing to do.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/08/2013 09:39

Chipping I can ASSURE you that it's far more polite to say a loud excuse me. You can't go around touching people on the waist....I'd rather a hand on my shoulder if it's a loud atmosphere...that's not as intimate.

OP posts:
therumoursaretrue · 05/08/2013 09:49

This probably wouldn't have bothered me too much beyond maybe initial surprise, but totally understandable that it would annoy others. I would absolutely prefer someone to just say "excuse me" though, can't understand why that is so difficult for some people.

I had a woman who stood behind me while I looked at clothes in M&S, said "get a move on love" and deliberately rammed my ankles with her trolley. Hard!

worldgonecrazy · 05/08/2013 10:05

The waist is an intimate spot. We put our arms around our friends' shoulders, the arm around waist implies more intimacy.

I am very touch feely, but I would never put my hands near another person's waist without permission.

The only non-intimate part of the body where it is okay for a stranger to touch is the top of the arms, to draw attention.

If the aisles were clear, as the OP has said, it may be that this man actually gets a kick out of getting too close to women he doesn't know, and only apologised because the OP glared at him.

missmarplestmarymead · 05/08/2013 10:24

It sounds as if he was getting a kick out of it: being apologetic when he has been called on it counts for nothing.

I think I would have contacted a member of staff and seen if it would be possible to view cctv of the incident; it might be that it would have been appropriate for the police to be called.

On what you have said, it might be difficult to prove sexual assault but it was certainly common assault.

Feminine · 05/08/2013 10:34

Bit late now, but how old was the man?

It seems to be quite an old fashioned way to move a woman.

Its not unusual to me, its happened a few times and I haven't liked it either...but an older man may not have realized.

I can see my Dad, uncle doing something like it. They are from a less enlightened age.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/08/2013 10:52

He was late thirties or early 40s Feminine. I'm 40 but don't look it...not showing off or anything! I am very often mistaken for younger...partly because I'm small.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/08/2013 10:52

if it had been a man in his 60s or 70s I wouldn't have minded so much as I know they're often "different" in their behaviour...

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 05/08/2013 10:55

Putting an arm around someone's waist is a very intimate thing to do. YANBU, whoever it was. I don't think it was a normal thing for him to do.