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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry at this man in the shop today?

112 replies

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 22:40

I genuinely don't know...I was standing looking at something in M&S...moderately busy but not rammed.

Anyway I felt an arm around my waist...it was a man who was wanting to get past and as he was approaching from behind me, that was his way of letting me know...putting his arm around my waist and kind of moving me to one side. Angry

I whirled round and if my eyes could shoot fire I swear they burned him a bit because he kind of stepped back quickly and looked a bit nervous...he said "Sorry!" in a genuinely sorry way...had my two DC not been nearby I would have said "You don't touch women you don't know you knob!"

But as DC were with me, I didn't say anything.

WIBU to be so annoyed? Is it normal to do this when someone's in your way?

OP posts:
SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 22:58

You got that from what the OP said? Really?

what I see is a man passing and then when he realised he had offended OP he apologised as the OP says Genuinely sorry way.

If he was as described Im guessing je wouldn't have moved back or apologised!

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 22:58

It wasn't crowded though...the aisle was empty but obviously I was in his way....he COULD have gone round or said "Excuse me". My DH isn't British and has noticed people don't like to say "Excuse me" but will do a funny little dance to try to get through a crowded area or to get past someone...rather than speak.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 04/08/2013 22:59

f man or woman moved me out of their way by my waist I'd feel it was inappropriate. It is rude.

Wonder if he would have done that to a bloke?

VelvetSpoon · 04/08/2013 22:59

YANBU.

I can't bear people touching me in a familiar way, I suspect it stems from being groped frequently as a teenager. By all means tap me on the shoulder, or poke me in the arm, but having strangers put their arm round my shoulders or waist, or worse still, pick me up and move me, makes me feel ill.

Funnily enough, I've never seen men do this to other men, only women...

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 04/08/2013 22:59

It would annoy me, and I would judge a man more than a woman - just as if I'd be more than a bit Hmm at a woman who moved DH out of the way by clasping him round the waist!

OTOH it does sound from his reaction as if he'd not intended it and I do wonder, as has been suggested, if he mistook you for his wife or girlfriend. I can't be the only person who's accidentally groped an arse that didn't belong to my Dh before. Blush

BeaWheesht · 04/08/2013 22:59

Like pp said I've had this happen in bars etc loads of times, it'd be a bit odd in a shop but not something I'd be annoyed about tbh.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:00

SP I felt he moved back like that when he saw my expression. He COULD be a sexist bastard....who treated me like an object. Rather than speak to me...he just used his strength to move me....

Also...a word in your ear...don't touch strangers like that...not anywhere. It's ALWAYS better to say "Excuse me" or wait.

OP posts:
daddoinghisbest · 04/08/2013 23:00

I had a suspicion that you get some odd women in M&S, it's much worse than I thought!

SoleSource · 04/08/2013 23:01

Excuse me please no need to move a woman out of the way via touching.

I said might I don't know I not him but I have had it happen to me and I didn't like it.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:02

I am admittedly uptight about people touching me for similar reasons to Velvet. As a teen and at high school I was always getting grabbed and groped etc, now I hate it. Even DH knows not to touch me when I am not expecting it...he can't come up behind me and hug me or whatever....I'm just very sensitive.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/08/2013 23:02

But if he mistook you for his gf, then he wouldn't think to say 'excuse me' would he?

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:02

If a woman did this would you have started a thread?

You even said your self he was genuinely sorry. A sexist pig or someone wanting to use his strength or power wouldn't apologise!

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:03

Dad what's that meant to mean? Confused if you're making a joke, then make it funny...if not then just write a comment that makes your stance clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:04

SP Erm.....maybe. He DID seem sorry but as I said it could have been nerves because I am quite full on when angry.

OP posts:
blueemerald · 04/08/2013 23:06

YANBU. His actions were totally inappropriate but I agree with the namechanges; I would have said something, short and polite, in front of my children to let them know they shouldn't do this or allow anyone to do it to them.

Unless he was incapable of speech there is no need to be touching anyone.

And one poster pointed asked if the OP would be concerned if it were a woman; I wonder if the man concerned would have put his arm around another man to move him out of the way? I doubt it.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 04/08/2013 23:07

Why not, youthecat? Confused

SP - but it'd be different coming from a woman, surely? I'd still think it was inappropriate but in a different way.

It could also be the kind of sexism where the bloke meant well, but simply assumed all women would quite like a nice cuddly squeeze ... that's still sexist if he wouldn't do the same to a man. Doesn't have to be about brute force.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:08

My children weren't near enough to see what happened.

OP posts:
SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:09

Or maybe he apologised because he didn't mean to offend.

Because he is a man doesn't automatically make him sexist or wanting to use his strength.

This is simply because it was a man.

I understand been sensitive to people touching you but it doesn't mean every male you pass is like that.

I have brothers and a son and I would hate to think they will do something similar and be accused of all sorts just for having a dick

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:10

Its not any different coming from a woman though. Either way her waist was touched by someone she doesn't know. Just because one has a dick doesn't mean its worse.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:12

SP of course not every male is like that! I've never had this happen before which is why I had to ask here if it was usual. I would hate to think your brother or sons would do something similar...but not because I don't want them to "be accused " of something but because it's offensive.

OP posts:
daddoinghisbest · 04/08/2013 23:12

Yes, maybe I was too flippant. I just think he may have been a well meaning guy that possibly had tried to get your attention and failed and had thought he wasn't committing such a crime. It was inappropriate, but he wasn't to know your history which I suspect even your DH didn't understand on first meeting you. I just think why not give him the benefit of the doubt? I'm sure he learnt not to commit such an outrage again by your reaction. And he made a full apology. I doubt it makes him a sexist pig.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:13

It IS different from a woman...just as rude but not as alarming. I am nervous of men that I don't know in a physical sense....they're bigger than me generally.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 04/08/2013 23:14

If there were no difference between men and women in that way then we would never be asked if we wanted a female doctor for intimate physical exams would we? And men would be happy to wander in and out of female changing rooms and ALL kinds of social norms would not BE social norms.

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 04/08/2013 23:15

Maybe it's not different to you, SP, but I honestly think it would be for most people.

Sorry, but there is a different implication to it, to me. If a random woman did this to me, I would think she was a rude fucker, but it's never happened. OTOH there are some men who - often perfectly nicely - think it's quite ok to pat you or whatever. And they wouldn't do that to other men.

It's impossible to know exactly what this specific man thought but the OP isn't unreasonable to wonder a bit.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 23:15

As stated you said he seemed genuinely sorry! He realised he had offended or made a mistake and apologised.

I have had men and women do it to me. I do it to my brothers/friends etc. I did it to friends fella as he was on the phone and I needed to get passed him and didn't want to interrupt.