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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want our male neighbour to take 3.5 DD to the toilet

121 replies

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:23

First time poster so please be gentle.

We are friendly with neighbours across the road, we have recently started going to each others homes for tea or coffee. This afternoon DD was outside in neighbour's front garden with H when she decided she didnt want her dad to take her to the toilet but wanted neighbour to take her instead. Luckly I was watching through the window so when I saw DD going inside the house with neighbour I rushed out to get her by which point she was upstairs in the toilet with him. Im absolutely fuming and angry but H doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he has done. He sems to think that the fact he has worked with children in the past and his wife works with children means they are ok in his books. Can I just mention that they have no children his choice not the wife's who is considering leaving him after 10 years of marriage due to him not wanting children
H is being unreasonable surely? :(

OP posts:

Parmarella · 05/08/2013 08:10

That was meant for the OP

It is so easy to wind up MNers!

Levantine · 05/08/2013 08:11

Yanbu. I am amazed that anyone is saying that you are.

Amiee · 05/08/2013 08:13

YABU but I would be too.

Turniptwirl · 05/08/2013 08:16

Oh and you need to work on dd being more independent.

I'm assuming no special needs or medical issues, since you've given your neighbours life story I'm guessing you'd have mentioned these.

My friend runs a preschool which takes kids the term after they are 3. They are not allowed to help children with the toilet. Aside from which if one of them was constantly in the toilet with a needy child it would mess up their ratios for the rest.

firesidechat · 05/08/2013 08:17

Yes your H was unreasonable- not because your neighbour is a perv but because it is not the poor bloke's job to wipe your child's bum! He probably felt really uncomfortable, I know I would.

This ^

Just because a young child asks for an almost stranger to take her to the loo doesn't mean it has to happen. If a parent is there it is the parents job. I'm a woman but I would be very if I was expected to take someones child to the loo while they were standing there and perfectly capable. Don't get this one at all.

TheBakeryQueen · 05/08/2013 08:18

YANBU and you should always trust your instincts when it comes to your children.

And anyway, I wouldn't take anyone's child to the toilet if the mum/dad was there unless they were aware of it. And is rather not anyway, I gave enough toilet trips with my own!

Most men wouldn't want to take someone else's child to the toilet anyway would they?

KirjavaTheCat · 05/08/2013 08:23

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. But I agree with other posters, isn't 3.5 old enough to go to the toilet by themselves? Especially for a wee.

urtwistingmymelonman · 05/08/2013 08:42

I don't think yabu if you don't know him that well.
the fact that he is a childless man is irrelevant.
however,how do you know this man wasn't put on the spot by your husband and felt just as uncomfortable with the situation as you.
my oh wouldn't take a little girl to the toilet if he didn't really know her so I think your hubby was being a bit unreasonable allowing it in the first place.

FobblyWoof · 05/08/2013 11:52

In your op you state that you are friendly with the neighbours. Friendly enough that you know all about his choice not to have kids and that his wife might leave him as a result. And yet later, in response to another poster you claim not to know the neighbour Which one is it?

Also the fact that you specify that said neighbour is male in the title says a lot to me. You are aware that paedophiles are both male and female?

Now, you also say that your dd was the one to say she wanted neighbour to take her to the toilet. Alarm bells would start ringing if it had been the neighbour who had been very insistent about taking her, especially if I didn't know him, but he wasn't and you do know him so YABVU.

And, more to the point, I'm really struggling with the fact that you were so angry with your dh about it. Surely to god if you're that wary about this neighbour you wouldn't let your dd be around him at all.

woozlebear · 05/08/2013 12:00

Ugh.

Of course YABU. What a twisted, suspicious downright vile attutude to peddle about childless people. And how horrible to be so suspicious of people in general. How do you ever manage to leave the house with paranoia at this level??

UGH.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/08/2013 12:10

Yabu and lying when you say it has nothing to do with gender.

nokidshere · 05/08/2013 12:52

My friend runs a preschool which takes kids the term after they are 3. They are not allowed to help children with the toilet.

The above statement is completely untrue. All child carers are expected tower the needs of the child whatever those needs are - total poppycock!

OP yabu not only for over reacting but for dressing your 3 year old in clothes that mean she can't go to loo alone if she needs to!

nokidshere · 05/08/2013 12:53

*tower = to meet

TimeofChange · 05/08/2013 13:27

OP: YADNBU

There is an NSPCC report out today stating that most sexual abuse of children carried out by family and family friends.

The fact that the neighbour has worked with children does not automatically mean he is ok.

Funnily enough, the kids who were and are abused in childrens homes are abused by people who work with children.

TimeofChange · 05/08/2013 13:35

Interesting that the ones who disagree with the OP have such a nasty and agressive attitude.

I don't understand why anyone would think it is ok for someone who isn't the child's carer to be wiping the child's private parts, whether that is male or female.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2013 13:53

Probably because the OP came across as sexist by specifying the neighbour was male.
And because she both socialises with jim, knows he doesn't want children and worked with children yet he is a complete stranger whom she doesn't know.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2013 13:53

him. Not Jim.

flatpackhamster · 05/08/2013 13:57

TimeofChange

Interesting that the ones who disagree with the OP have such a nasty and agressive attitude.

Yes, they must feel very strongly to react like that. Perhaps they're fed up of the OMGPEDIAOS reaction every time a man is visible within 20 yards of a child.

KellyElly · 05/08/2013 14:52

YANBU. I'm surprised he was comfortable with it tbh. I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone I didn't know that well taking DD to the loo.

runningforthebusinheels · 05/08/2013 15:00

No, I wouldn't be comfortable with a neighbour taking my dd to the toilet. No way.

FannyMcNally · 05/08/2013 17:34

Why didn't DH bring her home? Did she insist on using the neighbour's toilet for some reason? How did you know he was taking her to the toilets and if she was doing a toilet dance you could've called out of the window to come home instead. Feel sorry for the neighbour unless he insisted she use his toilet and that he accompany her. And can practically guarantee that he would've thought that 'taking' her to the toilet meant exactly that. So YABU.

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