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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want our male neighbour to take 3.5 DD to the toilet

121 replies

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:23

First time poster so please be gentle.

We are friendly with neighbours across the road, we have recently started going to each others homes for tea or coffee. This afternoon DD was outside in neighbour's front garden with H when she decided she didnt want her dad to take her to the toilet but wanted neighbour to take her instead. Luckly I was watching through the window so when I saw DD going inside the house with neighbour I rushed out to get her by which point she was upstairs in the toilet with him. Im absolutely fuming and angry but H doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he has done. He sems to think that the fact he has worked with children in the past and his wife works with children means they are ok in his books. Can I just mention that they have no children his choice not the wife's who is considering leaving him after 10 years of marriage due to him not wanting children
H is being unreasonable surely? :(

OP posts:
xylem8 · 04/08/2013 23:24

If she's 3.5 surely she just needs pointing to which door it is?

Jan49 · 04/08/2013 23:24

YANBU

I'd expect the parent to take her to the toilet if she needs help. Fine for someone else to show her where the toilet is. I'm surprised your DH didn't take her and I'm surprised the neighbour took her, unless he thought he was just showing her where it was. I wouldn't expect someone else, male or female, to deal with helping her in the toilet when a parent is available.

But you also need to teach your dd about who should help her in the toilet. It's not appropriate IMO for her to say she wants the neighbour to take her and help her in the toilet. You want her to think certain areas are private, not private except when someone is taking you to the toilet.

chesterberry · 04/08/2013 23:25

unfortunately she does need a lot of assistance from taking off the buttons on her jeans to lifting onto seat and then wiping bottom which he did

In that case I don't think you were being unreasonable and I am surprised that your husband would have asked him to do that or not at least accompanied the two of the if your DD was really insisten - the poor neighbour may well have felt awkward at helping a friend's DD use the toilet and possibly like he couldn't say no.

I now think that in this situation, where the neighbour was helping your daughter with personal care rather than just, say, getting her a drink from the kitchen YANBU to be annoyed at DH.

If he doesn't see anything at all in it then maybe you need to calmly discuss it together (so probably not right now if you're still angry) and agree on when you both think it is and isn't appropriate for people you don't know well to be alone with your daughter. It's unlikely this man was going to put your daughter at risk (although I appreciate it's possible) but more so as a previous poster said it probably isn't good for your daughter to think it's appropriate to take of her underwear in front of non family-members and then have someone she doesn't know help wipe her etc.

I do think you need to be working on the same page on this as no doubt he doesn't feel great when you override his decisions (even if in this case YWNBU) and, in this situation, it likely embarrassed the neighbour too so sitting down to discuss the issue and reach an agreement at some stage might be necessary, and it might help your peace of mind to know this won't happen again too.

anniepanniepears · 04/08/2013 23:32

why did your husband not take her or give you a shout so you could
btw ynbu

Gruntfuttock · 04/08/2013 23:34

If this neighbour doesn't want children why on earth would your husband think he would be willing to take your daughter to the toilet and give her all the help she needs? Your husband should have taken her.

Original poster
helenafalco · 04/08/2013 23:37

i blame H completely and what's frustrating me is the fact that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he did

OP posts:
BuildMeUpButtercup · 04/08/2013 23:38

I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone I didn't know very well taking them regardless of whether they were male or female.

mymatemax · 04/08/2013 23:40

yabu, relax!

ImNotBloody14 · 04/08/2013 23:40

"Thank you redlipsandslippers that's how i feel regardless of gender"

then why mention gender in the title if gender is not relevant to the issue? Confused

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 23:41

Thank you redlipsandslippers that's how i feel regardless of gender

I don't believe that at all

Read your own thread title and opening post

K8Middleton · 04/08/2013 23:42

Yes i agree. With that level of assistance required it's quite differnt to just showing the child to the bathroom door and waiting for them. I would be annoyed with h for expecting the neighbour to put himself out so much. I mean nobody wants to wipe someone else's child do they?!

I wouldn't be having hysterical paedo worries. It is the manners and social etiquette that I think is wrong in this situation.

cacamilis · 04/08/2013 23:58

I agree that at 3.5 your daughter shouldn't have needed him in the loo with her but also at 3.5 she should be told "no" just because she wants doesn't mean she should get. I wouldn't expect any person male or female to have to do toilet duties for my children while either I or my husband were present.
All the extra info you gave in the op was pathetic.

Canidae · 04/08/2013 23:59

YANBU to not want a someone you don't really know to take your child to the toilet. Your DH should have done it.

YABU to view your neighbour as a pervert for reasons that don't make any sense. His wife leaving him and him not wanting kids doesn't make him more likely to harm your child than someone with 5 kids and a happy marriage.

pinkflower1 · 05/08/2013 00:07

I wouldn't allow anyone I didn't know well to take my docs to the toilet, male/female, kids/no kids.
Yanbu

pinkflower1 · 05/08/2013 00:09

I actually find it strange the neighbour agreed to take her when her own father was there!

pinkflower1 · 05/08/2013 00:09

*dc's

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 05/08/2013 00:10

YANBU imo to not want the neighbours to take DD to the loo (I don't think it matters whether they are male or female) and I think your DH was BU to expect this poor neighbour to do the parenting in this situation. Some people would be fine with it, also NBU if that is what you decide to do with your own kids.

I work in a school with very young children and we are not supposed to take children to the loo or to be changed on our own because of child protection issues (and we have all been CRB checked). Those sort of abuse cases are very rare...but as a parent you have to consider what situation you are putting your child and other adults into.

I think a discussion with DH might be in order, so you can make sure you have got the same ideas about what is acceptable and what isn't.

ravenAK · 05/08/2013 00:16

I think it depends largely on how much assistance dd needs.

Escorting to loo, I'd be fine with. Helping to pull up clothes, button trousers etc, yes, fine.

Bum wiping - no. Only family, or paid/reciprocal childcare should involve anyone needing to clean someone else's bottom.

BUT I wouldn't be worrying about inappropriate feelings on neighbour's part, so much as thinking that it's an uncomfortable & rather yucky thing for them to have to do, & not fair for me or dh to expect it.

It wouldn't make any difference whether neighbour was male or female as far as I'm concerned. Parent or non-parent would make a bit of a difference, in that I'd probably expect a dad to be quite relaxed about showing a small guest to the loo & doing up the odd button afterwards, more so than a woman without children of her own.

WeAreSeven · 05/08/2013 00:17

YANBU. I wouldn't want anyone else taking my child to the toilet. Although, his not wanting children is neither here nor there.

Dizzydummy · 05/08/2013 00:25

YANBU, think it is highly inappropriate for anyone (male or female) to have that level of intimate interaction with your child.

longingforsomesleep · 05/08/2013 02:14

YANBU

Your DH should have insisted on taking your daughter to the loo.
The neighbour should have insisted on your DH taking your daughter to the loo.
Your daughter needs to understand about some things being private

I do know of a young girl who was abused when a family friend (male) took her to the toilet. It's relatively rare I guess, but we all take steps to protect our children from lots of things which are relatively rare. I don't see why anyone would think it was OK to be so relaxed in this situation. As far as a 3.5 year old is concerned I think it is better to err on the side of caution.

Burmobasher · 05/08/2013 02:17

Yabu.
Poor guy probably got put on the spot and doesn't know the child 'etiquette' not having had any. Your Dd asked, he felt obliged to help, what with being your "friend" and all. He doesn't want kids so unlikely he wanted to wipe your kids bum and be branded a perv for his troubles.
Yanbu for only want close family taking her, and being annoyed with your DH, but it was a bit much to go running over there like she had gone off with the child catcher.

NatashaBee · 05/08/2013 02:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaleyBump · 05/08/2013 02:26

Hmm. That's a tricky one.

How well do you know the neighbours? If it was a very close male friend taking my (non-existant) DD to the toilet, I wouldn't mind. If it was an acquaintance, I would be taking her myself. Same with my DS.

YABU in that you're "absolutely fuming" because it's a man who took your DD to the toilet, but YANBU in that you might not know your neighbours well enough to let them take your DC to the toilet.

To echo other posters, it sounds like the poor guy felt obligated to take your DD to the toilet when your DH should have insisted on taking her.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 02:26

Honestly, there are some seriously worrying people on MN these days. Exactly what do you think is going to happen in the couple of minutes your neighbour was taking your DD to the toilet when she asked him to, it's not even as if he jumped up to offer when she said she needed to go... paranoia is not healthy.

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