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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want our male neighbour to take 3.5 DD to the toilet

121 replies

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:23

First time poster so please be gentle.

We are friendly with neighbours across the road, we have recently started going to each others homes for tea or coffee. This afternoon DD was outside in neighbour's front garden with H when she decided she didnt want her dad to take her to the toilet but wanted neighbour to take her instead. Luckly I was watching through the window so when I saw DD going inside the house with neighbour I rushed out to get her by which point she was upstairs in the toilet with him. Im absolutely fuming and angry but H doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he has done. He sems to think that the fact he has worked with children in the past and his wife works with children means they are ok in his books. Can I just mention that they have no children his choice not the wife's who is considering leaving him after 10 years of marriage due to him not wanting children
H is being unreasonable surely? :(

OP posts:

ChippingInHopHopHop · 05/08/2013 02:27

Also, he probably assumed that at 3 she was perfectly able to actually go to the toilet and wipe her own bits. Fairly reasonable expectation.

jammiedonut · 05/08/2013 03:20

Yabu to say its because he is male. That said, dh could've taken her himself rather than a neighbour but no need for you to run out of the house. Would your reaction have been the same towards a female?

themaltesefalcon · 05/08/2013 07:13

Your DH should have taken her.

Since when does a three-year-old get to dictate in such situations?

Partridge · 05/08/2013 07:20

I don't understand why a 3.5 year old needs all that help. Maybe help unbuttoning jeans - but if I were the neighbour I would happily have "take her to the toilet" but been a bit when I realised that the expectation was that I had to wipe her.

I think your dh put the neighbour in an invidious position.

I also can't understand why you went running to the house clutching your pearls when all you saw from the window was the neighbour taking her inside. Tbh that would have compounded how awkward he felt.

I would be apologising to the neighbour for the insinuation that he would abuse dd and also that he has the awkward and unpleasant task of wiping a 3.5 year old.

Turniptwirl · 05/08/2013 07:25

Yabvu

Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 07:28

I think the neighbour shouldn't have done it, not that anything happened or was going to happen but I think my DH would have just said "no, go with your dad" and that would be that. I think it's odd that he was happy to do it.

Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 07:30

I would also try to explain to the 3 yr old that these things are private so she doesn't take her knickers down in front of random men.

TimeofChange · 05/08/2013 07:32

YANBU.

I think the neighbour should have declined.

TimeofChange · 05/08/2013 07:37

I think that the neighbour should be very aware of boundaries as he has worked with children.
He should have said 'No, Daddy will take you'.

Why would he think it was ok?

YADNBU.

TimeofChange · 05/08/2013 07:44

Chipping: The issue is not what could happen in a couple of minutes in the loo, but surely you have heard of grooming.

Why let some stranger be involved so intimately with a child.

Remember most abusers are family or family friends.

Morgause · 05/08/2013 07:45

I feel really sorry for your neighbour if he knows you charged across the road to "rescue" your daughter.

She'll be at nursery soon, are you going to stay there all day to take her to the toilet?

kelda · 05/08/2013 07:48

Yanbu. I wouldn't want a stranger taking my small child to the toilet. It's not his job to do so, he might have felt embarrrassed, and my child's privacy should be respected as well.

kelda · 05/08/2013 07:50

The nursery issue is not really relevant. Nursery teachers are trained, CRB checked, and consistent figures in a child's life.

RedHelenB · 05/08/2013 07:54

Roshbegosh - would you really say that to a 3 yr old? None of my three had a notion of privacy at that age! A 31/2 year old really wouldn't have needed much help going to the toilet surely?

SoupDragon · 05/08/2013 07:56

Are you friendly with him, going for tea and coffees at his house or is he someone you don't know?

SoupDragon · 05/08/2013 07:57

And welcome to MN :)

diddl · 05/08/2013 07:58

What was your husband doing? I would have assumed he would have at least gone with them to wipe his own daughter's bum/check she washed her hands and not just left it all to the neighbour?

SofiaAmes · 05/08/2013 07:58

yanbu. Some years ago I met a man who was the head of the police unit of child sexual abuse victims in a major city. He said that almost all of the cases of abuse involved someone known to the family like a relative or neighbor. That's not to suggest in any way that your neighbor is problematic, but it's not appropriate for a 3 year old to be requesting a non-caretaker (ie parent, nanny, nursery worker) male or female to be helping him/her to go to the bathroom. And odd that your dh didn't recognize that, or at least respect your concerns after the fact. And even odder that the neighbor who works with children and should know better didn't set those boundaries.

Morgause · 05/08/2013 08:00

OP said this man has worked with children so he will have been CRB checked. The nursery teachers will not be consistent figures when she starts there - she won't know them as well as she knows the neighbour.

Her husband was at fault, if there was any fault, but I really hope the neighbour hasn't been made to feel like a potential paedophile. That would be awful.

formicadinosaur · 05/08/2013 08:00

If I trusted and knew the man well I would be happy enough but would feel ropey otherwise. Would feel the same if he was a she. Although there is a greater risk with men

Parmarella · 05/08/2013 08:00

Really? Don't believe a word of it.

formicadinosaur · 05/08/2013 08:02

I agree it wasn't appropriate and the man should have declined to help in a nice manner

sweetestcup · 05/08/2013 08:06

YABU ans sound like a hysterical judgemental loon. But each to their own, just make another man feel like a complete weirdo and pervert, because that's obviously how you view him. As the wife of a male childminder I despise people with small minded attitudes like you.

Yes abuse can and does occur but to look on half the worlds population as a potential abuser is wrong and not healthy either, I work with victims of abuse and this is one area we work on.

K8Middleton · 05/08/2013 08:07

I expect the poor bloke had no idea he would be expected to do anything more than show the child to the bathroom and once realised he was alone with a child expecting quite considerable help he was embarrassed and left with little option but to help.

Of course when the op went charging out of her house and across the road she had no idea of what exactly was going on beyond seeing a man taking her child into his house with the child's father standing by and that reaction is a bit ott.

The op's dh needs to understand that there are some things you just don't expect others to do for your child because it is either inappropriate or an imposition or both. This is one of them.

ExcuseTypos · 05/08/2013 08:09

Your H should have taken her to the loo.

Apart from any other reason there's the practical isssue of how will the neighbour know how much help to give her?.

Unless the neighbour is a mind reader he's not going to know. There's then the danger he doesn't help her enough which will result in wee everywhere. It would just be quicker and more practical for someone who knows her to take her.

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