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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want our male neighbour to take 3.5 DD to the toilet

121 replies

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:23

First time poster so please be gentle.

We are friendly with neighbours across the road, we have recently started going to each others homes for tea or coffee. This afternoon DD was outside in neighbour's front garden with H when she decided she didnt want her dad to take her to the toilet but wanted neighbour to take her instead. Luckly I was watching through the window so when I saw DD going inside the house with neighbour I rushed out to get her by which point she was upstairs in the toilet with him. Im absolutely fuming and angry but H doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he has done. He sems to think that the fact he has worked with children in the past and his wife works with children means they are ok in his books. Can I just mention that they have no children his choice not the wife's who is considering leaving him after 10 years of marriage due to him not wanting children
H is being unreasonable surely? :(

OP posts:

inallmydays · 04/08/2013 22:35

yanbu your dh should of taken her .

RoxyFox211 · 04/08/2013 22:35

Yabu to act like that. Plain wierd, paranoid behaviour. I bet the man was mortified. You practically insinuated that he was a peadophile even though it was your dc who didn't want your dh to take her.

HollyBerryBush · 04/08/2013 22:36

Well I pity all those pervert childless nursery workers, childminders, doctors, nurses, teachers and so forth because most abuse happens within the home so keep looking at your husbands, brothers and fathers before looking at "strangers"

I seriously wonder what parallel universe this forum in on 99% of the time.

DevastatedD0G · 04/08/2013 22:37

What a loon

SwedishHouseMat · 04/08/2013 22:37

YANBU.

RedlipsAndSlippers · 04/08/2013 22:38

If I was only just getting to know a neighbour I wouldn't want them taking DD to the loo whether they were male or female, had kids or not. It wouldn't feel right for me, nothing particularly personal towards them. Even my closest friends don't do it, only family members.

Original poster

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:40

DevastatedDog

I might be a loon in your book but i can not help feeling uncomfortable with a person i don't know taking my DD to the toilet

OP posts:

Original poster

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:41

Thank you redlipsandslippers that's how i feel regardless of gender

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 04/08/2013 22:41

I would think it odd for either man or woman in that situation to take my child to the loo.

WhoNickedMyName · 04/08/2013 22:42

YABU and hysterical, and I doubt there'll be much more 'going to each others homes for tea and coffee' in future after that little display. I wouldn't want you or your child within 100 metres of me or my DH with your attitude.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/08/2013 22:43

YABU for mentioning everything about his relationship - I don't consider that relevant. People don't want children for many reasons.

notanyanymore · 04/08/2013 22:45

What??! How is OP being unreasonable?? Absolutely YANBU, both your DD and the neighbour need to know not to put themselves in those kind of vulnerable situations. I'm amazed anyone would think that's ok TBH, and whether or not the neighbour has children themselves would not make a difference.
My opinions are heavily influenced I admit having had to spend 3 months going over file after file of child sexual abuse cases, one thing that's always stayed with me is that the abuser was always someone the parents knew/trusted.
I'm not accusing the neighbour of having any ill intentions either, but I wouldn't want my dd to think its ok to go into a room on her own with any of our male friends/acquaintances and pull down her underwear, as thats a simple rule she can understand and protects her and them from any potentially compromising situations.

JimmysMum1988 · 04/08/2013 22:46

Personally I wouldn't want someone from across the road to take my child to the toilet. I was asked to take my friends child to the toilet and I hated it!!! I have a child of my own but I don't want to sort other people's children out too (unless they've been left in my care)

LyraSilvertongue · 04/08/2013 22:47

Calm down ladies. She's a first-time poster. Cut her a little slack.

Op, I would be uncomfortable with anyone I didn't know taking my small child to the toilet. I do think you overreacted a bit though.

LyraSilvertongue · 04/08/2013 22:48

I've had to wipe other people's kids' bums before when they've been for a playdate and done a poo and it's most unpleasant. I didn't mind doing my own kids', of course.

LyraSilvertongue · 04/08/2013 22:50

but I wouldn't want my dd to think its ok to go into a room on her own with any of our male friends/acquaintances and pull down her underwear, as thats a simple rule she can understand and protects her and them from any potentially compromising situations

This makes sense to me.

chesterberry · 04/08/2013 22:50

I don't think you are unreasonable to not want somebody you don't know well to take your child into their house alone, but you are being unreasonable if the main reason is that he is male. How would you have felt if it was his wife?

Whether your husband was being unreasonable probably depends on how much assistance your DD needs to go to the toilet - if she just needed the man to show her to the toilet and wait outside the door whilst she independently uses it then YABU. If the man would have been required to help her with her clothes, help wipe her etc then I think your husband was BU to let the neighbour take her to the toilet - it puts him in a potentially awkward/ uncomfortable position aside from anything else and is unfair to expect someone who isn't a close friend/ family member to deal with your children's toileting habits. If your daughter needs a lot of assistance your husband probably should have accompanied them.

I think you are being unreasonable to be very angry at your husband though, although you might not feel that you know the neighbours well enough to trust alone with your DD he clearly does and, as one of her parents, he is entitled to make some decisions regarding who he trusts to care for her. You over-rode his decision and in 'rushing' to your daughter you probably embarrassed your husband and made the neighbour feel accused of being untrustworthy. By all means mention calmly to your husband that you'd prefer it if people you didn't know well weren't left alone with your daughter, and explain you think it is unfair on the neighbours to expect them to handle toileting as most people don't want to have to wipe another person's child's bottom etc, but I think YABU if you stay angry with him just because his standards are somewhat different to yours, especially when your daughter came to no harm and you have nothing to suggest she was put in danger or would have been hurt had you not rushed up.

Original poster

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:50

notanyanymore
you have explained it better than i did, my feelings exactly

OP posts:

makingdoo · 04/08/2013 22:51

Fair enough if you don't feel comfortable with someone you don't know take DD to the loo. It was the fact that you felt it relevant that he was a male who didn't want children that got my goat.

If he's worked with children in the past then he obviously felt comfortable enough. FWIW I wouldn't feel comfortable taking a strangers child to the toilet.

However your DH was there and it was his call.

Original poster

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 22:55

chesterberry unfortunately she does need a lot of assistance from taking off the buttons on her jeans to lifting onto seat and then wiping bottom which he did if it was just a matter of showing her the toilet i probably wouldn't have 'overreacted'

OP posts:

Meid · 04/08/2013 22:56

I wouldn't be comfortable that a neighbour had taken my dd to the toilet to be honest.

But I would see common sense that no harm was done or intended, especially as your DH was standing outside.

YANBU to be bothered by it.
YABU to be so hysterical.

I'd be annoyed that my DH didn't insist on taking her.

Eilidhbelle · 04/08/2013 23:15

I don't think YABU, you don't know him well and I think that's reason enough for not wanting him to take her to the toilet. I can't imagine he was so thrilled about it either if your husband was standing right there.

K8Middleton · 04/08/2013 23:19

You seem to know a lot about him for someone you don't know

Original poster

helenafalco · 04/08/2013 23:23

K8Middleton
All i know is what his wife has told me i haven't sat down with him for a one to one

OP posts:

Capitola · 04/08/2013 23:23

YABU in my opinion to be 'absolutely fuming' over this and I feel a bit sorry for your neighbour.

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