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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at these comments re me not working?

113 replies

halveit · 02/08/2013 16:04

I went out on our annual end of term mums' night out last night. Lovely evening as usual - food, wine, pub garden.
But why do done people insist on judging - telling me I should be working now the kids are at school? I don't want to work - I didn't ever see the rationale of paying someone to look after my kids when I can do an adequate job for free. It always seemed nonsense to me for me to go out to earn money to pay that money over for someone to watch my kids.
I know its an old chestnut, and yes I've name changed (think one of the other mummies is on here), but why should I be spoken to with snide comments about my life choices?

OP posts:
xylem8 · 02/08/2013 18:31

Are you sure they are being snipe, and it was not just a throw away comment or a bit of good natured ribbing. i am struggling to think that anyone could care less as long as you are self-supporting as a family.

SquinkiesRule · 02/08/2013 18:32

What horrible "friends"
I've been home since Dd was born 8 years ago. Who else will volunteer at the school during school hours on a regular basis, not as available around a work schedule.
Who else do the WOHM's call when they get the sick child phone call and are an hour away at work.
Who leaves spaces in the summer programs for WOHM's children.
Who does occasional care during holidays when family is available for their children.
Maybe the OP should be unavailable for them as they don't value her contributions to society at all.
I'm raising my child my way, not having to buy care from others and loving it, no idea how I ever had time to work when my boys were little.
Home cooked meals, every day, three times a day sometimes. (saving a ton of money)
Dh can work as much as he likes (workaholic) without having to rush to pick up children, stop off at the shop or whatever he likes, all laundry is and cleaning is done seeing I'm home alone during the school day. Summer is different, he does more then.
The house actually looks fit for visitors not like when I was working.
I can volunteer at other things not just school if I get "bored" I'm not bored.

perplexedpirate · 02/08/2013 18:37

I really wish people would stop assuming that those who don't stay at home are jealous of those who do.
Do what you want, stay at home, go to work, whatever. I wouldn't be a SAHM for all the tea in China, but that's my choice.

Marcheline · 02/08/2013 18:48

Squinkies Hmm

How judgemental do you want to be about WOHMs?

FFS. WHY is this all about women? What about dads that go to the assemblies, or do the washing (again Hmm that laundry has anything to do with being a mother specifically), why is it only the choices of women that come under such intense scrutiny?

We are all doing an incredible thing. We are all raising little people, trying to shape them into good human beings and teaching them to be independent before sending them out into the world. Fucking pat on the back to everyone. Seriously.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 02/08/2013 18:49

'My brain would turn to mush'

'Oh God, really?! Have you no interests or imagination then?' :)

Then again, your comments of 'I'd never leave my children with someone else' and 'I want to be there for my kids' would be a complete bloody wind up to the working mothers... so 6 of one, half a dozen of the other I'd say.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2013 18:52

Agree with Marchaline

We can always take someone describing their choices as a reflection on ours if we chose to

Shocker. Different people make different choices.

I have been a sahm and a wohm. There were pluses and minuses in both tbh.

Caster8 · 02/08/2013 18:53

I always like to take a guess at this point, as to whether an op is going to return.

hmm. Only the ops second thread in the last few weeks.

maddening · 02/08/2013 18:56

Because for some reason some people assume that you are the same as them - a bit of bubble vision.

We all have different wants and needs and circumstances driving our different choices and that's fine.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/08/2013 18:59

I'm a working mum and I also manage to be there for every one of my DD's assemblies, sports days, events etc.

Frankly I think 'I want to be there for my children' is far more provocative than 'my brain would turn to mush...', particularly coming from someone who actually has 30 hours a week where they are not necessarily having to 'be there' for anyone.

But perhaps I'm just jealous...Hmm

MissBeehiving · 02/08/2013 18:59

I actually enjoy work and do discuss it with both friends who WOHM and SAHM if it's something that I think may interest them. Am I committing a dreadful faux pas?

WOHM OR SAHM - one is no worthier than the other Hmm it's just a different choice.

I would stop with the negative comments about WOHM mothers and you might see a change with the people you socialise with.

muddymarvellousdarling · 02/08/2013 19:09

as I said on the other thread

I 've been a SAHM for 22 years.

We made the decision that I would stay at home and be there for the DC. I was a Nanny pre DC.

I've also help/ed out at surestart/volunteer for guiding/scouting things etc..

I just tell people i'm a SAHM. I'm happy being one.

I do find however, that because i'm at home, people think I can drop everything and help out.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/08/2013 19:11

Squinkies, i dont rely on a SAHP to leave space in the summer clubs, neither do i need them to fetch DS if he is sick or provide childcare. Never missed an assembly etc either. As for school volunteers, all ours work bar one retired person so its not some holy grail SAHMs have.

Its obviously a miracle that i also manage to shop, clean, do the laundry and cook Hmm despite all those things being done by most adults in the world whether parents or not.

As for SAHMs making a contribution to society, depends entirely on the person and what they have done for society. Staying home doesnt warrant a medal in any shape or form.

The OP doesnt like being judge but clearly does it herself. Perhaps if she didnt, others around her would comment less too.

pommedechocolat · 02/08/2013 19:12

muddy - well just tell them they are wrong then.

JassyRadlett · 02/08/2013 19:13

Sounds like they were rude.

But if you said to them 'I just want to be there for my kids' then you were rude and judgey, too.

Marcheline · 02/08/2013 19:18

Yay! Pag agrees with me!

Pagwatch · 02/08/2013 19:22
Grin

Come and agree with me on the other sahm thread. No one wants to bleach their bumholes. I am quite put out.

Shitsinger · 02/08/2013 19:38

Squinkies
DH and I share care 50/50 due to flexible working and have attended every assembly etc. No childcare needed.
Also did reading/swimming volunteering at school.
Some of us have the best of both worlds.

There are lots of different arrangements/set ups re: childcare/ WOH .

Shitsinger · 02/08/2013 19:40

Bleach their bumholes? Shock
Are you on the sauce Pag ?

georgie22 · 02/08/2013 19:44

I do think it's sad that it's seen as acceptable for dads not to play a bigger part in the lives of their children. It's rarely criticised when dads work long hours outside the home and miss school assemblies etc. but it's fine to criticise working women for this. I don't agree that all paid work is mind numbingly boring either - I've never been bored at work! Working part time with great child care arrangements works perfectly for us and I'm certain that our dd benefits from the mix of care from dh, grandparents, childminder and I. I do know I'm lucky to work in a profession that lends itself to part time working etc.

Shitsinger · 02/08/2013 19:45

Hahahahahahah! just seen other thread !

Marcheline · 02/08/2013 20:18

Bleach their bumholes?

Has someone been watching Bridesmaids?!

HollyBerryBush · 02/08/2013 20:22

telling me I should be working now the kids are at school? I don't want to work - I didn't ever see the rationale of paying someone to look after my kids when I can do an adequate job for free.

That depends on whether you are being supported by a working partner or whether the state is supporting you. Presumably you wouldnt be so prickly if you had a working partner?

Samnella · 02/08/2013 20:32

TBH you get this whatever choice you make so your best being strong and resolute with your way of life and blanking others. I think it invariably comes from a position of envy or someone questioning their own choices .

When I was a SAHM I got the "I couldn't stay at home as I need the stimulation" comments and now as a WOHM I get the "don't you miss your children" "you can't get these years back" comments. The favourites at the moment are the pitying looks followed by "what are you doing about childcare during the summer holidays". I just reply "It's all sorted and they are having a great time doing X,Y,Z". I think being positive in your own choices really helps. My children are no less loved than when I was a SAHM and I love working so I don't need to justify myself and I won't. End of.

Tailtwister · 02/08/2013 20:35

I agree with others that I find the implication that those who work aren't 'there for their kids' more insulting than being called an air head for being a SAHM!

LimitedEditionLady · 02/08/2013 20:48

I work but i still get help from the state really because I get help with childcare costs,if I SAH then I actually wouldnt get money from the state at all.Shall i quit?

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