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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at these comments re me not working?

113 replies

halveit · 02/08/2013 16:04

I went out on our annual end of term mums' night out last night. Lovely evening as usual - food, wine, pub garden.
But why do done people insist on judging - telling me I should be working now the kids are at school? I don't want to work - I didn't ever see the rationale of paying someone to look after my kids when I can do an adequate job for free. It always seemed nonsense to me for me to go out to earn money to pay that money over for someone to watch my kids.
I know its an old chestnut, and yes I've name changed (think one of the other mummies is on here), but why should I be spoken to with snide comments about my life choices?

OP posts:
FondantNancy · 02/08/2013 16:22

I think I'd just say something ridiculous to take the wind out of their sails. In fact, I'm sure I've said this before:

"I find MY brain turns to mush"
"Oh really? Well I have an IQ in the double digits so I'm perfectly suited to being a SAHM."

Bowlersarm · 02/08/2013 16:22

Incidentally, (I won't keep popping up on this thread, honestly) even though I am a SAHM I do enjoy talking to my friends about their work if they work, or if they are SAHM as well we do talk about whether we will ever go back to work at some stage.

It's just an interesting conversation every now and then.

zatyaballerina · 02/08/2013 16:23

yanbu, how rude of them. You are doing what you need to do to be happy and give the best to your kids. Anyone makes that comment about their brain turning to mush again, tell them theirs probably would because they don't read but you are fine and perfectly capable of stimulating yourself thank you very much. Unless they're a brain surgeon or scientist chances are their job isn't remotely stimulating anyway, most people have intensely boring jobs, the only purpose is to make money to live on. Point that out as well.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 02/08/2013 16:25

Oh god, I can just imagine saying that 'my brain would turn to mush' but that's very much a personal slight on me - it truly wouldn't be meant to be snide or about anyone else.

I didn't work for a while and my brain did turn to mush but that was mostly because I spent most of my time watching Buffy reruns and reading chick lit. It's because I am inherently lazy and without external pushing I'm a bit pathetic.

I think most people have a bit more natural get up and go than me so can easily stay at home and stay sane and mentally stimulated. It's just I am weak.

Dahlen · 02/08/2013 16:29

I've frequently said I couldn't be a SAHM. I'd hate it, and I know I'm a far better mother for being out at work every day because the adult interaction I get and the absence from my children makes m appreciate them all the more and have far more patience with them. That in no way means I think I am better than a SAHM. My DSis is SAHM. She's as happy with her choices as I am with mine, and both our choices are right for us because of our differing personalities and strengths/weaknesses.

halveit - if you're absolutely sure that you're not perceiving insults where none are intended, I'd drop your friends. Friends should not make you feel like that and barring the occasional disagreement or crisis, you should leave their presence feeling buoyant and validated.

MadeOfStarDust · 02/08/2013 16:32

if friends make you feel miserable about your life, they are not really friends.......

Snoopingforsoup · 02/08/2013 16:34

I've done both and have been met with disapproval whether at home or at work.

People will always find something to have a dig at. Toughen up, your opinion of you is more important than their opini

Snoopingforsoup · 02/08/2013 16:35

Opinion of you...
My opinion of my phone is that it sucks...

mrslyman · 02/08/2013 16:39

The thought of staying at home all day everyday with my two young children scares me, I worry that I would end up in a pit of despair from which I may never escape. I Amy phrase this as being worried that my brain would turn to mush. If I said this in your company I wouldn't be implying that I think you're boring or judging you for making unsuitable life choices. The reality is sometimes I envy women who aren't afraid to let go of the working side of themselves for the sake of their family, I think both mine and my children's lives might be better if I could.

I do agree with others that you need to think about why this is getting to you so much. I tend to find on occassions like these people aren't judging me nearly as much as I'm judging myself.

Dackyduddles · 02/08/2013 16:41

Look for a way to pick back. My mil said similar. My response? Wouldn't take long, you are blonde after all....

Sometimes fighting fire with fire is all you can do. Doesn't make you feel good though. Basically you can't win whatever you do.

EstelleGetty · 02/08/2013 16:41

Agree with FondantNancy. If they say 'my brain would turn to mush,' then just reply 'well, mine hasn't' and smile. There is no need for you to justify yourself.

Whether meant unkindly or not, it's still basic courtesy not to say something so rude to someone who you know it might affect negatively.

flowery · 02/08/2013 16:47

Sounds like they are feeling a bit defensive about their own choices if they feel the need to make comments about yours. I wouldn't take it as critical of you, I would choose to view it as their way of making themselves feel better about what they've chosen.

pommedechocolat · 02/08/2013 16:48

You are quite snide in your assessment of working and paying for childcare though. Maybe they are feeling that attitude from you and reacting.

higgle · 02/08/2013 16:48

It works the other way, I used to get lots of bitchy comments when I was one of 3 working mothers in DS1's year. The others would all go off to the gym or for coffee after drop off when I went to work and not talk to me at events.

Caster8 · 02/08/2013 16:48

What did you think of the people who said it to you, before they said it?

ithaka · 02/08/2013 16:52

I wonder what messages you are sending to get those comments. My MIL (who has never worked from the day she married) was always spitting with rage at 'professional women' who she believed looked down on her. But I heard the comments she would make to women - 'My children always knew where I was' etc etc. Maybe you drew first blood?

DialsMavis · 02/08/2013 16:55

But my brain would turn to mush if I didn't work! surely people should be able to say things about themselves without it being construed as a dig about others. My friend always says she can't imagine leaving her DC to go to work... Horses for courses innit.

miriamaso · 02/08/2013 16:55

OP, you're not there for your DC any more than employed mums are. They're at school - not at home, where you are.

Both my DC are at primary school and I choose not to work, but I consider myself to be unemployed, not this weird concept of a Stay at Home Mum. If you didn't have DC you wouldn't call yourself a Stay at Home Non-Mum. It doesn't make any sense to me.

You're unemployed and the other don't think that they would like that situation - that's all there is to is.

RabbitFromAHat · 02/08/2013 16:56

You really shouldn't be ashamed of your choices, you're doing what works for you. But definitely saying "I want to be there for my kids." implies that they don't want to be there for their kids - which I am sure is not what you intended. In this awful game the patriarchy has us playing, the implication is that one of us 'must' be doing something wrong.

None of you are wrong, all of you are making the best choices you can. But all of you should be kinder to each other.

UnexpectedStepmum · 02/08/2013 16:58

Yes, it's rude. I would guess that she may well be jealous, most people have a bit of 'grass is greener' sometimes and she sounds like she's trying to justify her choices to herself. I would love to be a SAHM, abut have to compromise on being a part time worker instead. I would never say that kind of thing but have had similar comments from full time mums about my lack of career ambition.

Original poster
halveit · 02/08/2013 17:00

Miriamsao, yes I am. I go to every assembly, event, - rely on no one else.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 02/08/2013 17:00

This comes up so often and I dont get it

During the years I was a SAHM nobody commented and now I work FT nobody has commented

I wouldnt give a toss if they had of

Snoopingforsoup · 02/08/2013 17:00

I think women will always snipe and have a dig unless you live in the world of Rainbow Bright!

It's how you respond to (or internalise) this universal bitching which is key. Do you consider the school Mum's close friends who know you inside and out? I find my school Mum friends are nice enough, but not particularly open, or a really good laugh...we socialise because our kids are at the same school, but honestly, twice a year is the maximum I choose to have a night out with them because the typical divide of those who work and those who don't is always apparent, al

Original poster
halveit · 02/08/2013 17:01

I'm not unemployed.

I'm not in paid employment.

OP posts:
Snoopingforsoup · 02/08/2013 17:02

I give up.

You get my drift. Let it bounce off you!

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