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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at these comments re me not working?

113 replies

halveit · 02/08/2013 16:04

I went out on our annual end of term mums' night out last night. Lovely evening as usual - food, wine, pub garden.
But why do done people insist on judging - telling me I should be working now the kids are at school? I don't want to work - I didn't ever see the rationale of paying someone to look after my kids when I can do an adequate job for free. It always seemed nonsense to me for me to go out to earn money to pay that money over for someone to watch my kids.
I know its an old chestnut, and yes I've name changed (think one of the other mummies is on here), but why should I be spoken to with snide comments about my life choices?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 02/08/2013 17:03

I sympathise - I get the reverse 'you should give up work and stay at home' 'Why doesn't DF stay at home - these early ears are so precious' ... yet no one ever asks my DH why he's not staying at home.

It's annoying but you have to learn to brush it off or challenge them but without putting their choices down. It can be done.

Be strong in your choices and it shouldn't get you down.

flowery · 02/08/2013 17:07

I have to say your tone is coming across on here about the same in reverse as you describe from your friends. Perhaps they pick up on that and are reacting?

noblegiraffe · 02/08/2013 17:08

Saying 'I want to be there for my kids' makes sense when they are babies. But when they are at school, it doesn't make sense because you're there, but they're not.

hackmum · 02/08/2013 17:08

""I wouldn't be able to stay at home all day - my brain would turn to mush".

I think you just have to rehearse a reply to that, on the lines of, "Poor you. Luckily, I find lots of ways of remaining intellectually stimulated without having to go to work."

Bowlersarm · 02/08/2013 17:09

Now you're sounding a bit snippy, OP. Maybe you are easy to wind up about it? You're obviously very sensitive about it.

miriamaso · 02/08/2013 17:13

The vast majority of working parents I know manage to be there for every school event - mum or dad.

I'm not any more 'there' for my DC than my next door neighbour who works. I honestly think women who brand themselves as 'SAHM' for school-aged DC are deluding themselves. You're at home...but your DC are not!

miriamaso · 02/08/2013 17:15

People have asked me why I don't work and the simple answer is because I don't have to. We're financially fine with just one of us working. I can understand that some people would still rather go to work. Perhaps if I'd had a truly interesting career before having DC then I would have worked too.

Queazy · 02/08/2013 17:15

Wow - not all work is intellectually stimulating - I've had jobs that are mind-numbing! Being a SAHM doesn't equate to being an airhead. I think people just don't think sometimes and in fact, I think I've probably been guilty of saying 'I couldn't stay at home' myself before. Now it's a possibility, I'm a bit more thoughtful about it.

DialsMavis · 02/08/2013 17:16

Have you said "i want to be there for my kids" to these friends by any chance? That comment is far more loaded than someone else saying they want to work for their own reasons. It implies they are not bothered about their DC's needs

3birthdaybunnies · 02/08/2013 17:17

I think the problem is that you are coming across as a little sensitive & I think that maybe if it makes you cry over their comments then either you need to ditch the nights out with them (sometimes it can seem like being back at school yourself with the old playtime bullies), or they have genuinely touched a raw nerve for you and maybe you are having an identity crisis now that the children are at school. Maybe you could think about things in your day which make you happy, whether there is anything else you want to be doing - there's nothing wrong with being a SAHM, many people think that I am, but I think that if their comments upset you that much then either you need to dump their company or you need to assess why you felt so upset, and maybe both - be confident in your choice and people's comments won't affect you as much.

flowery · 02/08/2013 17:17

"Have you said "i want to be there for my kids" to these friends by any chance? That comment is far more loaded than someone else saying they want to work for their own reasons. It implies they are not bothered about their DC's needs"

Yes, this. ^^

LimitedEditionLady · 02/08/2013 17:20

I work part time for two days and i still get a few snide remarks at work about me doing nothing all week...well annoying

pianodoodle · 02/08/2013 17:26

No one in RL has once questioned what I do (SAHM during days. Work as music teacher some evenings a week)

Not even in the PA sort of style you describe. Having said that I don't go to many things that are designed specifically as "mum" outings - maybe that's where all the sniping goes on and I'm missing it :)

SelectAUserName · 02/08/2013 17:29

It sounds as though you have read it as the person who made the comment "I wouldn't be able to stay at home all day - my brain would turn to mush" as implying that YOUR brain must have turned to mush and that she thinks she is intellectually superior because she works. You were there, we weren't, so only you know if this interpretation is justified or if she were just clumsily trying to express her choice to work, or even if she were making an excuse to cover the fact that she would love to be a SAHM but has debts coming out of the wallpaper and couldn't afford to give up work without a lottery win but doesn't want to share that fact with all and sundry. Maybe you'd been painting a rosy picture of being at home with your children which SHE took (rightly or wrongly) as judging HER choice - assuming it was a choice, as above - to work and responded in kind.

You can dwell on it and get defensive or you can shrug and move on, secure in the knowledge that you're doing the best for your children in your circumstances just as she's doing the best for hers in hers, and perhaps cultivate a useful neutral or joky response in case it happens again - something like "you know, that was my fear too, but actually it's fine. It's amazing the intellectual stimulation you can get from Iggle Piggle and Balamory . "

Caster8 · 02/08/2013 17:39

You didnt answer my question op, not that yo have to.
What did you think of them, before they said what they did to you?

If you found them rude before, well nothing has changed.
If they were close friends, then they are not now really.
If they are acquaintances, they come and go imo.

fluffyraggies · 02/08/2013 17:43

There isn't the value placed on being a 'home maker' or SAHM that there used to be.

At the same time women are often made to eat a huge guilt sandwich for going to work and using child care.

Until it's genuinely accepted by society that women are entitled to do either without being judged then there will always be touchiness/sensitivity/defensiveness about the subject. Between themselves even.

It's a shame.
Women are always being pulled apart.

Caster8 · 02/08/2013 17:47

The way I look at it is, I dont do that much business work.
If I have to take a comment here and there, when the bonus of having been a SAHM wayyyyyyyy surpasses for me, the odd doubtful comment, then I am will in a heartbeat.

MrsMelons · 02/08/2013 17:49

I would imagine its jealousy TBH, I do a pretty challenging job that pays well and as much as I love it I really do it to have the extra money to do the stuff I want but if I could afford to do all the things I wanted and be a SAHM then I would in a flash. My DCs are both at school and I do not have to pay for childcare so it is viable for me to work

If you are are comfortable with your decision then don't let it upset you, there are loads of people I know who are SAHMs and their DCs are at school, I would be in that position if I could afford it and I know loads of other people who also would be.

pommedechocolat · 02/08/2013 17:54

halveit - I do not truly suspect that they all think you are judging them and being a bit of a cow about them working and are getting you back. YABU because you are also judging. If you were less self righteous about going to an assembly I could sympathise.

impatienttobemummy · 02/08/2013 17:58

I am a working mum and have on occasion received the same criticism in reverse as to why when I don't have a high powered job do I not just stay home?! Be happy with your own choices as someone will always have an opinion about it!
Also I agree with other posters, jealously may be to blame as I know I'd love to be a SAHM if I could

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/08/2013 17:59

Sounds 50/50 to me. You make comments re working mothers in your posts as having to rely on people (although dont get that as you obviously heavily rely on another adult for every financial need) and not being there for their children and they make comments back.

impatienttobemummy · 02/08/2013 18:01

Comments such as "oh I could never leave my children with someone else" that one had me in tears!

Marcheline · 02/08/2013 18:10

I think YABU.

You have given no other reason that you were in tears, apart from one 'oh my brain would turn to mush' comment. Did they all pile in agreeing, pretending to be brain dead zombies or something? Otherwise it sounds pretty innocuous.

You haven't taken notice of any of the posters suggesting that your views on WOHM could be seen as the exact reverse of the comment you didn't like, and are only posting snippy replies now.

I've been both SAHM and WOHM. I prefer working in paid employment but don't think any less of SAHM friends. My choice says nothing about their choices, it says something about me but it doesnt say that I don't want to be there for my children or that I rely on someone else to go to assemblies, sports day or the nativity, because I love all that shit

Chottie · 02/08/2013 18:19

I was a SATM for 16 years and it worked for me and DH. DC have now grown up and I work full time. Our choice, our decision and to be honest it is no-one else's business

Perhaps people talked about me and my choices, so what?

TwinsetBeck · 02/08/2013 18:22

Some one kept telling me how "bored" they would be as a sahm. On and on they went as though it was only because I was so dull that I could tolerate it. I just said I found it fascinating since I am never bored because I have enough imagination to keep myself amused- that and I have 2 1/2 year old twins! Honestly how any idiot thinks I have time to be bored is truelly fascinating!! I think only the inadequate waste their time trying to make others feel crap about their life choices. Most people know how hard all these decisions are and are tactful enough to not comment on other people's business. It used to be said that it was impolite to discuss politics and religion, maybe child care and working should be added to this list.