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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 22:15

There are some extreme opinions here... 'rethinking your relationship' FGS they have a happy 10 year marriage, children and another child on the way... 'don't go on holiday' - why cut your own nose off to spite your face?

Your DH has been an idiot and made a mistake, but they are his parents and it's also his home!

sweetestcup · 30/07/2013 22:16

Ok I know youve had a "massive" row with your DH but Im really struck with all the negative comments directed towards your MIL throughout the thread (and yes I wouldn't want my in-laws staying at my house either!) instead of the real problem here - your DH!! He didn't consult you, hes ignoring your wishes and totally ignoring the fact you're not happy now.....and yet all you can go on about is the reasons you don't want her there? Dont get it personally. And then you say you're not going on holiday if your PILs stay.....and now you are going after all, ok then...

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 22:18

another argument & he's ringing her now to cancel (it was the thought of him having to singlehandedly clean kitchen cupboards/cups/etc before they arrive as I told him they were in need of cleaning if guests were having to stay)

OP posts:
MovingForward0719 · 30/07/2013 22:18

I wouldn't like it either. I know for a fact my mil used to steam open bil's post. Because she told me!?! I wouldn't let my mum either. She openly wanders around from room to room asking comments about stuff. And as for my sister, she is quite open about her snooping lol.

SarahAndFuck · 30/07/2013 22:19

Remus and MarriedInWhite - those things might be boring. But they are your boring, private things and would you want them snooped at and really not mind if someone did?

Maybe you wouldn't mind, but everyone has something private and personal that they might not want to share with the world.

MIL would snoop through bathroom cabinets and dressing table drawers, and then comment to someone else "why would Sarah be taking X medication do you think?" or "Sarah and Fuck are still using birth control, so it doesn't look like I'll be a grandma just yet."

I'm not embarrassed by those things as they sit in the cabinet or the drawer, but I'd rather the whole family and MILs stranger-to-me friends weren't discussing them.

The house is probably filled with little things like that, some more embarrassing than others, some not embarrassing at all but mine. Mine to decide if I want someone to see it or not. The OP obviously feels the same about her home. Embarrassing or not, the things in it are hers and she shouldn't have to worry about someone snooping at them.

Bugsylugs · 30/07/2013 22:19

Still struggling to see why he has to be considerate think about his wife but she is right and she does not need to compromise for his sake.

If on the other hand he makes unilateral decisions all the time that may be different. If it is the first time he may have genuinely forgotten with being busy pre holiday hence of willing to phone.

cjel · 30/07/2013 22:19

OP said she didn't want to go. If H is only now doing this then their marriage won't be happy in the future or if e has done things like this in the past then it hasn't been happy.

Vijac · 30/07/2013 22:19

I don't think I would really mind my inlaws staying though I would mind my husband agreeing it without asking me. Now you have come to an 'agreement',just try and enjoy your hols! Can you ask your hubby to at least phone and tell them you're a bit unsure about having other people in the house and can they not rearrange anything or go through any cupboards etc?

LadyMilfordHaven · 30/07/2013 22:19

I would let mine I don't see what you've got to hide

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 22:20

Well enjoy your holiday then lineup because I imagine it's going to be a barrel of laughs.

Your DH made a mistake. You have pushed it to far IMO. You should have been the grown up.

LadyMilfordHaven · 30/07/2013 22:21

In surprised by all the anti in law on here. I can't see the problem.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/07/2013 22:21

I wouldn't like this at all. Why are they wanting to stay in her house, why for 3 weeks? It's just odd. Why don't they want to come when their son and DIL are actually there?

It does strike me as sneaky, manipulative and underhand, on behalf of MIL and of husband.

I don't get the security argument either, as someone else has already pointed out, the house-sitters are occupying one house, but their house will then be empty.

If my in-laws stayed in my house for 3 weeks I'd come back to 3 weeks worth of mess and cleaning, and the cupboards bare, and the fridge full of out of date meat.

If my parents stayed the whole place would be cleaned top-to-bottom, repainted, all the furniture rearranged, and extra rugs placed everywhere.

Not sure which would be more irritating, but I wouldn't like either.

CSIJanner · 30/07/2013 22:22

He's opted for the easy route - skirt around the issue, ignore and therefore not upset the parents and lose face. Which of course means he expects lineup to basically deal with it and suck it up.

I have experience of this Angry as has my SIL Angry Our tactic now is to meet it head on - "Sorry MIL - DH didn't check as if he had, he would have realised that I've organised for the fumigators to dose the house whilst we were holiday. Toxic and all of that. Oh well, you know that next time you should really talk to the lady of the house first...."

sunshinenanny · 30/07/2013 22:27

I too don't see a problem with relatives staying.Confused

I do see a problem with your husband telling you in a round about way to either like it or lump it! doesn't bode well for a happy holiday.Hmm

You should have cancelled it yourself if you feel that strrongly about it!

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other here.

HeadfirstForHalos · 30/07/2013 22:27

It's not so much an anti in law thing for me, it is more my husband and mil sneaking behind my back and making plans without my knowledge and consent that I would would object to.

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 22:28

it's ok, he's ringing to cancel - phone was engaged - he'll try again

in 10 yrs of marriage this is the first time he's forgotten to mention something like this until short notice, he's not a malicious type, just busy

amd I am very hormonal 9 wks pregnant and protective of my nest it seems

OP posts:
Bugsylugs · 30/07/2013 22:28

Op hope you enjoy your holiday hope dh does too

angeltulips · 30/07/2013 22:28

gosh i am feeling like a bit of a hippy now - i cannot imagine being uptight about someone, who i knew, staying in a house that i owned but that i was not using, whilst i was away. my pils have keys to our house and they know they can stay whenever we're not there (we live in london, they're in the sticks so use our house as a crash pad when we're not around). wouldn't even occur to me to be annoyed about it. how precious and possessive would you have to be to begrudge someone staying in your house when you're not even bloody there?

is there a back story? because it doesn't seem to really be worth the amount of angst you're creating over this.

HeadfirstForHalos · 30/07/2013 22:29

Relatives staying that you know nothing about until the day before because it's been planned behind your back and that is okay? Really?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 30/07/2013 22:29

The OP says that the mil is snoopy. We are only hearing the OP's opinion. Basically she's said 'No' without discussing any rational ideas as to why not, other than that mil is snoopy, and then gone mad when her dh has said it is okay for his parents to stay. Then thrown a fit and demanded that he clean etc, and sulked until he feels he has to phone his parents and say that they can't come. And then she expects to go and have a half decent holiday with this man?

I really don't get this.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 22:29

MIL hasn't gone behind the OP's back... DH has.

MIL was invited, she's done nothing wrong. Except OP doesn't like her.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 22:30

Exactly remus!

Bugsylugs · 30/07/2013 22:31

Then op if it is the first time he has forgotten you have been massively unfair on him and using the I am 9 weeks pregnant and hormonal is a cope out and does women no favours.

Am fuming for dh now you have said he forgot etc

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 22:31

because if you are going to be judged on what they find in your home, while youre not there...like married said earlier, there are personal things here which I as a private person dont wish family immediate or otherwise to see - the mess of my cup cupboard/spice cupboard/under the beds/ general family life mess with 2 DCs under 5

at least when having visitors, such things can be controlled to view - they can be given tea in the living room and have a chat then leave!

OP posts:
SwedishHouseMat · 30/07/2013 22:32

Phone engaged at this time of day? Who are they talking to!

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