AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

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Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

If I were you, OP, I wouldn't go on holiday tomorrow in the circumstances you describe. And I am not joking!

My mind is boggling at what 'personal' things people have that would be so awful for anybody to see. I'm racking my brains trying to think of anything in my bedroom that I wouldn't want anybody to know about. I must be v boring.

Don't think you are boring, its just that if it is personal - even if its old grey knickers you don't want anyone to see then everyone should have a right to that personal space being safe in their own home!!

Maybe the OPs DH loves his parents and doesn't think they are creepy and intrusive. They are his parents and he may be shocked to realise his wife finds them so 'distasteful' By demanding that the OPs DH phones his parents the OP has put him in what he must see as a truly awful and impossible situation.

I don't think this is going to be a fun holiday

Same here Leeds2.

OP, if you let them stay then his plan has worked. He's left it until the last minute to tell you so that you bow down under pressure.

remus that's what I think. Is it the dirty sock behind the laundry basket, the 9 years of payslips in my bedside drawer, the muddle of tights in the dressing table drawer, that nice message on the birthday card from DH I kept, my knicker drawer with 20 pairs that can do 'one more wear'?

If any of that bothers mil (or my mum) tough. Spose I could be embarrassed because it's all so boring.

It's the kind of thing that's hard to understand if you don't have someone in your life doing this to you.

My PILs would often use the "we need a break" argument but they would often push it too far.

For example, they once went to visit BIL and SIL on a whim, stayed for a week, drove 100 miles or so out of their way to call in on us as they "were passing" on the way home, invited themselves to stay the night, stayed for four days. Then they borrowed money they never paid back so they could put petrol in the car to drive home. Within half an hour of them getting home, which was a four or five hour drive away, they rang us to tell us, not ask us, that they were coming back and would be staying for another week or so as MIL and other BIL had had an argument and she "need a break."

And the snooping can drive you mad as well.

Like the time they opened a private letter and read it "because it was just left on the table for anyone to see." In the sealed envelope, waiting for the person it was addressed to to get home and open it.

Or the time they let themselves into BIL and SILs house while they were on honeymoon and threw a party for their friends and neighbours, during which they opened the parcel the wedding photographer had delivered and showed everyone the wedding album and video before BIL and SIL had seen them.

I could go on an on with this. They would also go directly to BIL or DH and put them in a position where they felt unable to say no. And okay, they were talking to their sons, but they were clever enough to do it in a way that excluded their wives and it's that kind of sneakiness that gets to you.

If you know that someone is doing this to you all the time it does get to you. DH has admitted that he feels unable to say no to his mother because he's been told all his life that she will have a mental breakdown and it will be his fault. Not everyone's situation is that extreme, but I can understand why the OP feels the way she does with a MIL she knows will snoop and a DH who has left this to the last minute as a way of manipulating her.

Beds are very intimate I believe.

Seems to me that people are urging op to wreck her relationship by escalating things .

Things may have been done in the wrong order according to op but insisting he cancels will very possibly damage dh and her relationship and also with the il's who she says she gets on with. Though her comments to against that

It's not the issue that DH has invited his parents to stay - the issue is that he has done it without discussing it with the OP first. He has left it too late to ring and cancel. He knew that the OP would say no. He has shown that his parents come before her needs and wishes. He is weak and a coward and if I was the OP, I would be seriously considering whether or not to stay in this relationship.

Go obviously

Don't do it. DP and I were away last month - MIL and FIL had keys & it was useful as they cut the grass, watered the plants and dropped some milk and a loaf of bread off the day before we got back BUT I can also tell things have been moved about. A quirk of MILs is that she stores almost everything in the fridge (bread, crackers, potatoes etc) and the first time I opened the fridge after getting back, there were some unopened packets of Ryvita, cream crackers, icing sugar and miso soup in there. I am really wanting to bring this up in conversation just to see why she did it...

You do not know that he knew she would say no she has already said she would let others stay. You are assuming he has been deliberately underhand we do not have evidence of that.

I'm most interested in how the OP would feel if he hit the roof about the idea of her parents staying. It seems to me that he's been forced into keeping quiet because he knew that she would completely over-react, and because she has been vile about his parents. And I agree that the people saying that the OP shouldn't go on holiday etc, are massively over-reacting. Relationships are about compromise - not about sulking or about 'Ltb'ing the minute something isn't perfect.

Phone MIL yourself and tell her no.

Or don't go on hols. You're not going to enjoy it anyway.

Your H is bang out of order. Those that don't see the problem likely have non snoopy/sneaky MILs or DMs.

Yes swedish, its hard to understand if you haven't lived with this level of manipulation, but it rings alarm bells for me as well, what husband does something like this behind his wifes back? its not good enough to say he knew she wouldn't like it so didn't tell her. If he cared anything for her he would have at least of talked it through with his life partner/love of his life,
What else does he keep from her/do behind her back. and does he really think that little of her that he thinks its ok to do something knowing she doesn't like it expecting her to put up and shut upP

I wouldn't go on holiday. And I would ring PiL myself. And I would be rethinking the relationship.

YABU.

These are your DH's parents not strangers. It will be nice to know that your home will be safe whilst you are away and you wouldnt have to risk coming back to a burgled property. I cant understand why it is winding you up so much and you are bonkers if you allow it to ruin a family holiday.

I am assuming that you would "allow" your own parents to stay in your home no questions asked.

YANBU I really don't think I could go on that holiday.

Personally, I'd love it if MIL came to stay whilst we were away. I would come back to a clean house & no ironing . But then, my MIL is lovely. One of the most non-judgey, non-snoopy, easiest going people you could hope to meet.

Your house, your choice. Obviously your DH gets an equal say but for me - no agreement means no house guests. Although you would have to respect his wishes if the roles/mothers were ever reversed.

remus, does compromise only go one way? he does what he wants and she has to compromise by agreeing? I compromised during the 35 years I was with dh so don't ltb lightly but, there is no room for discussion here. He has invited someone to stay in her special, private nest and is expecting her to accept. No signs of relationship, grown up partnership or compromise.

Ring them yourself, now.

He made a unilateral decision without discussing it with you so you are, by the terms he had laid down, fully entitled to do the same.

She's not hit the roof about 'the idea' of them staying, she's had a barney at the reality of them staying and because the dh had arranged it behind her back, knowing she would not agree to it, and has refused to cancel it despite OP saying I don't want people using my house while I'm away.

He's not been forced into acting secretly - that's ridiculous. If you can't discuss and agree who can use your house and when, then your marriage is over, and no amount of secret lending of your house will save it.