AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

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Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

I think that the sad thing was that DH didn't have a problem and yet instead of discussing it the 'senior partner' just vetoed it and he jumped to it! What happened to equality and discussion and compromise? Has a new date been made for the promised 'in the future' visit?

Well why didn't he discuss it before agreeing? Ffs.

:o If there is one thing to annoy MNers it is someone who has been judged by royalty to BU, getting their own way!

God forbid that the OP and her DH reached an agreement that everyone is happy with. "OK, if you want them to stay YOU can do the cleaning up and change the beds" "Err no thanks, I 'll ring them and cancel" NOO!!!! She must be a manipulative controlling bitch who lives in a pig sty and is married to an idiot who is happy to be hen pecked into submission every time he dares to think for himself.

Seriously guys, listen to yourselves and how fecking ridiculous you are being! :o

Despite the username, I agree with Bogeyface.

I agree with Bogeyface too.

Wow, this thread has - honestly - been a massive eye-opener for me!

I know now that I am officially The Most Relaxed Person Ever. It has stunned me that people feel this way, and made me run through loads of scenarios where I might have been 'invading' someone's space, or someone might have felt judged when I tried to do something nice for them and cleaned up, etc.

I tidy or make an extra effort for guests to make them feel welcome, not to avoid being judged. It has honestly never occured to me that I am probably the talk of my MIL's town If I came home to a tidied house, I would feel like the person had made that effort for me as a gesture to say 'welcome home' or 'thanks' or whatever. (I would also think: RESULT! But am quite messy and utterly un-house proud.)

My house, your house: treat it with respect and you are welcome. I honestly never knew so many people felt differently. Has made me terribly paranoid about what boundaries I have overstepped. Eek!

Seriously could not count how many people have stayed in our house when we aren't there. We are lucky enough to have a nice, spacious home, and I would actually feel a little weird if someone booked into a hotel nearby, rather than stayed in ours (whether we were there are not). The only thing I ever stash away are hospital letters, bank statements and payslips.

Food for thought!

Whats wrong with my username?! :o

"We are lucky enough to have a nice, spacious home,"

if I had the same I might feel less stressed by the idea of people staying alone.

Eggs - well you are not officially the most relaxed person ever or whatever it was if you stash away bank statements, hospital letters and payslips. You obviously have some boundaries; things that you don't want other people looking at. Well, same for the OP.

Food for thought!

No, not really. If forums tell us anything it's that not everyone runs their life the same way as everyone else. I have no problem with those posters who would have all and sundry staying in their houses and a 24/7 open house policy. Why would I?

Equally I don't see why I or the OP should be like that. I run my life my way, you run your life your way. Why do you care so much that the OP doesn't want someone staying in her house at such short notice?

Eggs But what if, like the OP, you stash away things that you dont want people to see and then they go searching for them? Perhaps you wouldnt be quite so relaxed then. As I said above, my mother has form for snooping, going through an obviously private space such as my filing cabinet would be standard for her. Stumbling across something in a kitchen drawer while looking for a tea towel is one thing, actively looking for private things is what the OP and many others object to.

No clarity I think poeple who have lots of rules, boundaries, issues and who insist on having things just as they want then and who can't tolerate the differing approaches of others within the family generally make difficult MILs or relatives.

What if a future DIL lies on your bed when staying to read to her kids as in her family this would be fine??

Or of future DIL tries to be kind and your ironing as she thinks your struggling with arthritis?? She may, GO UPSTSTAIRS, SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR etc

The idea that it will be helpful only works of you get a DIL who thinks all your ideas are good sense. That's unlikely so easier to be a bit more relaxed with family if you want harmony.

Do none of you make arrangements and then mention it your partner? I will frequently make arrangements with my mum and then tell DH, oh mums coming over Friday night. Equally he'll let me know, I've arranged for us to meet up with DB next month etc.

Of not convenient we'll discuss this and the arranger will reorganise if not convenient. As OPs DH has done here. But we are not outraged that the other agreed to an arrangement.

My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling (have list of other ways she is super controlling) he has no say over what they do and all has to be sanctioned by her first.

OP sounds like this. It's hard work for wider family.

Eggs I was astonished too, MN is a huge eye opener to me. I think this is all good info for when I become a MIL, I want to be brilliant at it.

I've just remembered my parents offered our house to people I didn't know when we were going to be away. I left them a bottle of wine and a welcome note.

Well yes obviously poeple do run their lives in very different ways, thats evident, but I'd say that Eggs way makes her sound much easier to get along with than some of the posters on here.

Of course live howverre you want, but some people may see you are weirdly controlling and difficult.

A member of my extended family read a letter to me which was folded and buried in a pile of papers in my house.The letter was offering me an honorary position in a local organisation,they commented on this to me and I (shocked that they had looked)explained that i had not yet accepted the offer and that it was embargoed and please not to mention it to anyone .

The next day I went to the hairdressers who congratulated me (she has the same hairdresser)she had also told her best friend ,who told her daughter ,who told god knows who and it got back to my employer .I almost lost the opportunity

All because she snooped and had no ability not to tell,this is why I lock papers away now if someone comes to stay

My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling (have list of other ways she is super controlling) he has no say over what they do and all has to be sanctioned by her first.

But what is wrong with saying "That should be ok but I will check with OH and let you know"? THats how I work, because I find it easier to do that than make an arrangement that may have to be cancelled causing problems for the other person. Far better imo to say that you will check and confirm so that nothing is set in stone.

"My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling"

your brother sounds nice. Me and my husband check that things are ok first, not least because one or the other of us may have made arrangements to do something separately or with our son so for example him inviting his dad round to see DS on a day when I have arranged to take DS to a farm isn't going to work.

"Quintessentially? I think you are coming across as really weird to be honest."

There is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to stay in your home.

No, but causing screaming rows and threatening to not go on holiday over it, is more than just a little bit weird.

The op herself cited her kitchen cupboards, and she does go on about her things and her documents and her mess.

I think she needs to chill.

I don't think OP even needs to justify her reasons for not wanting her MIL to stay at her home. She doesn't want her to so it doesn't happen, the reasons don't even matter. These things require a mutual agreement before going ahead.

I would have been mad at my husband if he had told anyone they can stay at our home without asking me as well. Threatening not to go on holiday may have been a bit OTT but it happens when you are really angry so I don't think it makes her weird.

surely when you have a DP it is only courtesy to check things with them - what if they had simultaneously made a tentative plan for the same date and time. what if they were going to book a surprise meal for 2 and you invite your parents over instead?

My husband also checks stuff with me!

I'm not controlling-he's just polite.

Euphemia - I do help MIL but I check with her first that its a convenient time - I don't just let myself in without her knowledge and crack,on with it.

And arranging a visit from someone for an afternoon without discussing it with your Dp first is massively different to agreeing to a three week stay, allowing someone whom the OP is wary of because of their lack of boundaries and discretion unfettered access to their stuff.

I like having visitors, but I'm not sure I'd like them being here if I wasn't. I think with notice I'd clean and tidy and swallow any anxieties about their presence. I think it's odd to ask to stay in someone else's house though if they're not there.

OP YANBU (apart from the spa bath bit)

Well I guess DH and I provisionally agree to things. I don't make the statement 'if that's Ok with DH' every time I arrange something. I tend to work along the the lines that I know what will be Ok with DH or not, and of its not convenient or we've double booked we'll get back and rearrange.

Most of my family and friends seem to work along theses lines and making arrangements with the unspoken understanding that we'll get back if there a any problems.

My DB cannot make even a provsional arrangement and does not even indicate whether they might be interested in that activity or date, it's a blanket, I'll check with DW statement every time. We know from a long list of previous occasions that SIL isvery controlling and has lots of rules about her house, children and events that have to be scrutinised at first. Thier attendance at things will be entirely her decision therefore he cannot make even tentative arrangements.

DB is very nice, but SIL makes all decisions.

EuphemiaLennox. Well it's fortunate for you that you don't have to get on with any of us controlling, boundary obsessed, house proud neurotics.

Thankfully my family, my husbands family and my husband appear to have the same attitude to housesitting. So no drama necessary.