AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

[lineup]

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

peacefuloptimist, with all due respect, you admit you have a 'lovely MIL', so I might suggest that you can't comprehend having one who isn't lovely.
This isn't about letting YOUR MIL stay. This is about letting someone who isn't lovely stay.

Just out of interest, what would you do if you found out your MIL had started telling her friends that she thought you were in financial difficulties, or that you had landed your DH in a load of debt because of your shopping habits, because she had rifled through drawers and found a credit card statement, and 'only people with financial difficulties use credit cards'

Or if she told her hairdresser that she was worried about her GCs because she didn't feel they were being fed properly because she noticed lots of portions of cooked food in the freezer?

Would you be annoyed about this?

Blimey, lots of controlling protectiveness on this thread.

People wouldn't want their in laws using teir utilities??

OPs MIL might use her bubble bath??

DH has to clean out cupboards before guest can stay??

Guest are given tea in front room so they don't see the messy kitchen??

New bedroom was ruined as step son was a,lowed to see it and bounced on bed??

MIL lay on bed and read to grandchildren??

Bastard FIL hoovered bedroom in preparation for return of new baby??

Some of these families may be difficult, but actually many posters on here sound like they may be the impossibly difficult ones who families have to pussy foot around them and never know how they'll next take offence.

The fact the OPs DH was told he had to clean out all the cupboards before his mother was allowed to stay says it all to me - either the house is a pigsty or the OP is weirdly controlling intense and difficult.

Controlling intense and difficult..MIL threads of the future can be predicted...

That was in reply to peacefuloptimist by the way.

I find it really sad that people have this view that the OP should take precedence over her DHs own mother (one poster wrote something like how dare he put his parents before you).

nauticant, excuse my ignorance but I don't know The Little Red Hen

I'm wondering whether those of you for whom this would be no big deal, are the type who regularly have other people in your house anyway - babysitters/cleaners/tradesmen....so the idea of people seeing your stuff is no biggie.

I don't understand the folk who are delighted to come back to a house that has been deep cleaned by MIL in their absence - does that not feel like a judgement - they are doing their poor son a favour to make up for the slattern he lives with?

and as for the MIL who hides in DS and DIL's bed and tells her friends her DIL is dead and she is going to be the DGCs new mummy - WTF????

I would let my mother and my MIL stay in my house if they really needed to but in a case like this it doesn't seem there is any reason to do it apart from just wanting to which is a bit odd.

Here's a (horribly cutesy) version LadyClariceCannockMonty:

www.enchantedlearning.com/stories/fairytale/littleredhen/story/

Thanks nauticant. Le Little Red Hen, c'est moi

Why is it odd to want a free mini break- change of scene?

Lineup I love 'domestically relaxed' lol

You were given a hard time (I think a lot of those posters are surely MIL's themselves) but you were DNBU. Okay it is her sons home but it is yours too and you have every right to have a say in who can live in it, whether you are there or not.

And I would have done exactly the same as you.

So glad it is sorted and hope you have a lovely holiday.

Yes, have a stress-free holiday even if that will annoy some on here.

If you were to feel judged for someone cleaning your house after staying there, I think that says more about you and your self esteem. I would just see it as a lovely gesture, a thanks for letting us stay, or I recognise its lovely to come home to a clean house and I wanted to do that for you.

If ever I go to my parents when they're away, I always leave the house clean, any washing in the basket done and put away, and make sure there's food and milk in the fridge, as I think it's nice to come home to. Not that I think they are slatterns.

When my mil recently stayed to puppy sit over night while we were away, I noticed she'd hoovered and cleaned the kitchen. I thought it was very sweet of her, and the sort of thing I would do for her.

Wow. And I always thought I was a bit only-childish and bad at sharing things. This wouldn't bother me, really. I agree MIL sounds very trying, but if this issue is her judging you, well she's going to judge you whatever you do or don't do if she's that sort person. As for the snooping per se - what do you have to hide? And would you ever know anyway? If she's stupid enough to ever mention something she found through snooping, then you can bawl her out about it. If she doesn't, does it really matter? I have house sitters in whenever we go away - they could be doing all sorts for all I know, but there's never any sign of anything untoward so I'm happy. (And I can be pretty precious about my house - coasters under drinks, shoes off at front door etc!)

Family is family - often deeply irritating but a lot of the time you just have to put up with it. It must be very hard for your DH to tell her she can't (with no really good reason).

That said, I would flatly refuse to allow my own parents unsupervised in my house for even 5 minutes, but that's because they're both totally incompetent and would probably leave the front door open all night or burn the place down.

peacefuloptimist er, because it's not his house, it's their house? I find your view of the world, where the wife here is just a kind of shadowy add-on compared to the really important people in a man's life, as sad as you find those other views. Respect towards your spouse's parents is good, but always putting your parents' odd requests needs above your spouse's does not make for a good marriage.

Also, I see you're a 'private person' but still went through all your SIL's stuff.. I hope she's not a 'private person' or on here reading this

"If you were to feel judged for someone cleaning your house after staying there, I think that says more about you and your self esteem. I would just see it as a lovely gesture, a thanks for letting us stay, or I recognise its lovely to come home to a clean house and I wanted to do that for you."

surely it would depend on lots of things. If someone came to clean my house then they would have to move and re-arrange quite a lot of clutter. I would like to live a more clutter free life but I wouldn't want someone else deciding what was to go or stay or be packed away.

If they came and ran the hoover about and cleaned the bath then fine but some people might put away clothes, rearrange drawers and sort out food cupboards. That would make me very uncomfortable.

I always imagine that the people who don't mind having their houses cleaned by others probably already have fairly neat orderly homes and so they are really just talking about a bit of polishing and hoovering.

I would be fine with pretty much anyone coming to stay in my house EXCEPT MY MUM, who like the mothers of lots of posters upthread snoops, reads cards, looks at bank statements, comments on the state of the house etc. I am not uptight, but she pisses me off with her lack of boundaries. Doesn't mean I wouldn't let someone else stay, I would.

Euph - please do not misquote me to add your own emphasis - I did not call my hoovering FIL a bastard. ever. He was lovely (RIP). I acknowledged his good intentions, but said it felt like an invasion of privacy that he was in our personal room without our knowledge, also felt like a judgement of my housekeeping - and there could have been all manner of things we did not want him to see.

Well exactly DuellingFanjo. I couldn't imagine saying to anyone, even if they lived in a luxury home in the most touristy of tourist places, "Here, is it okay for us to live in your gaff while you're on holiday?". I just would not invite myself.

What is even more bizarre is OP says they don't have a fantastic house anywhere remarkable or touristy, so why on earth does MIL want to travel 300 miles to stay there? If you're going to make the effort to travel that distance to your son's ordinary, non descript (sorry OP!) home then why the hell would you not do it when they're actually there. You know, visiting your family like normal people do?

Totally nasty slagging of OP going on here. Have a good holiday and forget about all this.

I completely understand where you are coming from, OP. I definitely wouldn't have had MIL staying here, and neither would DH! She is very judgmental and doesn't know boundaries.

My DM could stay whenever she wanted. We have stayed at DB and SIL's house a couple of times while they were away. We definitely didn't snoop and made sure the house was at least as clean as when they left it.

DB once had a gf who was a snoop. It was horrible. You knew you couldn't live how you wanted if she came to stay as she would look at all the letters left on the bureau, even if they were in envelopes. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that someone knows/wants to know all your financial/private details. I think unless you have encountered someone like this, you realy can't understand just how prying it feels.

I'm staying in my SIL's house next week. I'll think I'll take loads of photos when we get there, so I can leave it in exactly the same state- not any cleaner "She must think I'm a slattern" or any dirtier "How could she disrespect my home like that!" . It's a minefield, I tell you!

I'd let my mum stay but absolutely not my dad.

He would definitely snoop, and I really would have to make sure all my papers were locked away. Which I did for our recent holiday as he came round to water our tomatoes. So he had no chance to look at the papers.

Same goes for MIL, she would snoop, but my late FIL would NOT have snooped.

It's not about the fact that this is OP's MIL, it's about the fact that this person snoops.

Perhaps OP can let her own mum stay because she doesn't snoop.

But I would NOT be impressed with DP if he told me, the night before leaving, that someone was coming to stay while we were on holiday. I think it's OP's DH who was doing the manipulation here.

Wasn't quoting you phantom I was taking an example and exaggerating the implication for satirical effect. HTH.

As you say, he was trying to be kind and the thoughts about being judged,, not being good enough and some nonspecific privacy boundary being invaded were all your issues. There seemed to be no implication that he did judge you, snoop or have any ill intention.

My point was that many people on this thead claim difficult families, when in fact they sound like the ones with issues that make them difficult to negotiate, and as I said potentially very difficult MILs in the future themselves.

PLUS - when I have guests I tend to move a lot of the stuff I don't want to be seen (overflowing Washing baskets etc) into my bedroom. Having someone in the house alone means that they would be able to go into that room and see the stuff I would normally hide.

Someone who stayed at my house and who had been left alone for an hour or two once very pointedly said to me 'if there's anything I can do for you - like some ironing or some folding, let me know' and I just knew they must have been in my room which made me . Plus it annoyed me that they suggested they would be doing it for me not for my husband.

Do you think? I think they'll probably make fantastic MILs as they'll be keen to avoid doing the things that pissed them off about their own.

That was in response to Euphemia.