AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

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Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

It's lovely for all the posters saying "can't see the problem", "isn't this what you do for family". That's great for you that you have family who you love and who will respect your home. Good for you.

However you are not the OP and you don't know her mil or her family setup. If she doesn't want them in the house at such short notice then why should she. My husband would never, never do this to me because all family decisions are joint decisions. A compromise may be reached, but not with so little time to work it out.

I'm a mil too and can't imagine ever making a request to stay in my daughters house without a very good reason. It's rude, even for close family.

I would totally freak out at the thought of anyone being in my house while I was on holiday and at such short notice. I would need at least a month to clean everything in sight. It's just the way I am and the OP appears to be the same.

We once let my brother and his girlfriend house sit for us and I would never, never do it again. They were in grotty accommodation and it suited us for some reason that I now forget. We don't smoke, they did, but I asked them not to do it in the house. We came back to an empty house, all windows wide open to clear the house of cigarette smoke and permanent heat marks on our very nice dining table (the only decent piece of furniture we had). My brother is lovely, but I felt like he had no respect for us or our house.

Apart from all of the above, my house is my sanctuary and somewhere to retreat to. For various reasons we have needed this a lot recently. We have overnight visitors all the time, but I would hate them to be there when we are away.

Have a lovely holiday OP.

no pag, i dont hate MIL, i just dont want houseguests when I'm not here! Drama much?

and Laundry, the house is in a presentable state before we leave, all tidy, just not to the level required and expected of a houseproud MIL who notices every ounce of dust and notes it

but equally I dont hate her. She just isnt as relaxed domestically as we are

Wow, I'm amazed this is a contentious issue... no way in hell would I want anyone snooping around my house while I was away! Regarding who gets the final say, in my relationship arrangements are generally by mutual agreement - so if DH wants to do something and I do too/ am neutral about it/ don't mind too much then we'd do it, but if either of us felt very strongly against something it doesn't happen. Surely that's normal? Why should OP go along with something that she is extremely uncomfortable about, when presumably her DH doesn't feel equally strongly that people must stay in their house while they're away?
Anyway, glad you got it sorted, enjoy the holiday

surburban lol! That could not be further from the truth. I have a cleanish/tidyish house. My point was not that my house is immaculate but instead that in my house I'm happy with how things are, and am happy for guests in my home to accept how things are. I don't mind a bit of mess for guests.

The op was saying what a huge amount of cleaning it would need to make her house acceptable for her in laws to visit. So does that not suggest that she isn't satisfied with how it is at the moment? Another red herring I think.

OP I think if you weren't comfortable with the idea then you had every right to speak up.

I don't have an 'open house' policy like some but if MIL or parents asked to stay while on holiday I'd need weeks to prepare. I would be pissed off to only be told the night before.

I don't think I would have got DH to cancel for fear of upsetting MIL.
What reason did he give her?

The cleanest my house ever is is when I'm going on holiday. I like to come back to a spotless house

You would let your friends stay
You think she is only coming to snoop
You threaten to cancel the holiday rather than let her stay.

Yep. You really like her.

Agree with CaptainCalamari that either person should get to veto something if it makes them unhappy. Plus no-one is obliged to have a houseguest or give a reason for it! If they don't want someone to stay, they don't have to have them there. Nothing weird about that! And nothing to do to with the amount of cleaning that does or doesn't have to be done. It's about personal choice and control over your own family space!

It doesn't really matter that other people would be ok with this does it? OP wasn't and therefore no one should stay at the home without both partners consent.

If I was happy for my mum to stay here and dh wasn't then it wouldn't happen, these things imo require both peoples consent, not just one.

Does it really matter if her house is messy and that is one of the reasons why she didn't want her to stay? Who said it was in a 'hellish state'? my house is not a state at all but if my MIL was to stay I would probably want it to be even tidier and move certain things I didn't want her to see.

I don't get why OP is getting a hard time well except it is MN's and sometimes people seem to want to be bitchy for no real reason

I agree op with you. If have a hissy fit too for any guest to stay in my house without me having ample opportunity to do a massive clean up first and hide everything to show home standards.

If your house isn't on Malibu beach / tourist trail et al type then it's weird to stay in it when you as owner isn't there. Visits of that type need planning. Not oooh by the way...

Quintessentially? I think you are coming across as really weird to be honest.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting someone to stay in your home.

Different people live in different ways

In my house DC get at least 2 hours of outside time in garden/park daily (supervised)
We have home cooked food that they help prepare (takes a lot l

ot longer.
We meet up with friends 3-4 times a week

House work is fit around these core things.
I do laundry daily, wash the floor daily but it's messy!

ILs/SIL prioritise a tidy house. Do v little socialising. Kids don't help with chores or have much exercise.
Their houses are spotless though.

So when MIL tidied my house/irons I do feel judged.

We just live differently

Great thread. There's clearly a division of opinion and so the rational way to disagree is "personally it wouldn't cause me a problem but then I'm not in your shoes".

Instead the thread is sliding towards mild abuse because some posters can't accept that, compared to themselves, the OP might have a different way of looking at the world, and might be in a different set of circumstances.

I'm particularly amused to see some posters annoyed that the OP seems to have reached a solution that she and her husband are happy with. That seems to have got right up a fair few noses.

In the same vein, good post firesidechat.

I wouldn't want anyone here without me unless they were dog/cat sitting or it was an emergency.

Others don't feel the same-but don't seem to be able to express that without being rude to OP

I do however think the best outcome would have been for your husband to get his finger out and tidy up through the night. That's now his problem though as that was a fair solution

Have a good holiday anyway

Just wanted to add my support OP, as my MIL has wildly differing views on 'keeping house' to me and (most of) my friends

She would comment on sheets and duvet covers not being ironed before being put away
She would comment on the tops of cupboards not being dusted
She would comment on the lack of flowers in the borders in our garden
She would comment on there being 'too much' food in our freezer
She would comment on the number of shoes and clothes I own
She would go through our paperwork and bank statements and proper go onto comparethemarket to make sure we are getting the best deals on everything. She did this when we took her out to dinner and she saw which credit card we used.

And I would get a lecture on the proper role of a wife, and whether I would better off spending less time at work (so I can spend all my money on shoes, obv) so I can spend more time doing proper household chores like ironing sheets, gardening and cooking fresh food from scratch every night of the week.

Or, I could supervise her when she is in the house, so she is under the impression that sheets are ironed and the fridge is groaning with un-frozen meat and vegetables.

For those of you without snoopy relatives, be grateful! But many of us really don't want another copy of household management guides for Christmas, or to be asked in front of other relatives whether we have thought about our remortgage because she noticed our fix is up soon.

I've been lurking on this thread since last night and have been riveted reading this but have also found it quite depressing. It's amazing how much animosity some people have for their own extended families.

I find it really sad that people have this view that the OP should take precedence over her DHs own mother (one poster wrote something like how dare he put his parents before you). To be honest that is a much more manipulative, controlling and downright nasty attitude to have then the initial actions and attitude of the OPs DH who many on here found appalling. Why should he not allow the woman who gave birth to him and the two people who raised him and probably have invested (in money, time and emotion) the most in him to stay in his house. I am very close to my family and if I ever felt that my DH objected to that I would consider that an unforgivable flaw.

Also what is the big hangup about snooping. So what? I recently stayed at my dsis whilst she was away on holiday with her DH and I had full run of her house and was going through all her things. Mainly because I was looking after her two dcs both under 5 who have a tendency to empty cupboards and drawers. You would probably consider that snooping but if anyone's going to know private details of your life (within reason) surely it should be your own flesh and blood. I'm a private person too but there were more diplomatic ways you could have resolved this dispute. I'm blessed to have a lovely mil who was stayed over at mine more then my own mother and I wouldn't think twice about letting her stay in my empty house.

'Maybe if you managed to keep your house presentable and tidy'
Quintessential, what a bitchy thing to say.

The OP has explained her levels of tidiness and how they match (or don't) with her MIL's. This is only one of several good reasons why she wouldn't want the inlaws or various other people staying in her house while she was away.

I do think though, OP, that the correct attitude to people judging you on your house's tidiness and what laundry products you use etc is 'Fuck 'em'. But I understand that you have other reasons for not liking people staying when you're not there.

Interesting that your husband was all for it until the cleaning and tidying became HIS job...

Interesting that your husband was all for it until the cleaning and tidying became HIS job...

My philosophy of life is very much based on the Ladybird book The Little Red Hen LadyClariceCannockMonty.

Seeing as the phrase bat shit mental has been brought up a couple of times since I said it, I thought I'd clarify. I don't think the of is batshit for not wanting her mil in her house while she's away, I think it's odd she'd have a problem with it, but each to her own.

It's her reaction that I find batshit. She's said her dh wasn't being manipulative or malicious, he simply forget to mention it. I imagine he didn't see it as a big deal, so it wasn't at the forefront of his mind.

She's also said that she argued with him several times over it, and demanded he either phoned his own mother the night before she was due to come and tell her she wasnt welcome or to deep clean the house (at 10pm when he seemed to be in the middle of packing up the car).

I don't find that a proportionate or reasonable way to treat your partner. She could have just thought that he made a mistake in telling her that late, but its too late to do anything about it without causing upset, and let it go and make sure he knew for next time. As I said, if I was her dh, I wouldn't be happy with her. And I stand by that he is either an incredibly tolerant man, or is used to her throwing such hissy fits. I certainly wouldn't be bringing the op breakfast in bed.

So which is it?

Is it "I am not comfortable with people being in my house when I'm not here"?

Or is it "I don't like or trust MIL not to snoop about or judge my housekeeping, but other people might be OK"?

You'd think that having been married 10 years your DH would know how you felt about these topics?

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I too, would feel the need to leave a really tidy and clean house for pil. Not that they would judge particularly but I always tidy for their visits, much more than I would my own family. My family already know I'm a skanky mare. I want my pil to think better of me

I can understand why people wouldn't want someone, they know will snoop. I'm now wondering about my sense in leaving a key for various neighbours to feed the cat

The reason that the OP takes precedence over DHs mother is that it is her house, along with the DH of course. If the DH was so set on keeping his mum happy and having her stay, he could have sorted out the spare room and done a bit of cleaning. He obviously didn't want it that much.

I would guess that it would be the OPs job to run round with the clean bedding and bleach, so she has a big say in what happens. I may be wrong about the division of labour in their house though.

Anyway it's all sorted, so no point in anyone getting their knickers in a twist over it now.