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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
SconeInSixtySeconds · 31/07/2013 08:45

Does anyone have a DM or mil who would like to come and clean my house? I promise to leave lots of juicy stuff around for them to snoop at...

I think this is all connected with our boundaries. I was never allowed friends to play when growing up as my DM said our house wasn't clean/tidy enough.

Betternc4this · 31/07/2013 08:45

Yes I too have trouble understanding the mindset of a m-I-l hellbent on 'visiting' when none of her DCs or DGCs are actually there. Especially when they live a long way away so don't actually see them very often.
I have an adult son with two DCs who lives a long way away. I wouldn't dream of wasting a precious visit on a week when they were away. I always check both DGCs and my son will be around before I plan a visit.

diddl · 31/07/2013 08:47

I also think it's an odd request tbh.

She needs a break, so she'll run up her son's bills for three weeks & save her own!!

outtolunchagain · 31/07/2013 08:49

I have let my pil stay in the house when we are away but that was because they were very kindly looking after our dc,not sure why ,unless you were in a tourist area, people would want to stay in house I find this very odd.They have a perfectly good house of their own .

MalcolmTucker that's fine but not everyone is quite so open plus you are assuming that they won't be able to admit it but what is clear is that some people have no shame about not just admitting they snooped but telling others what they have foundShock

Whist I think the OP did lose her rag a bit, if I had been told with only 12 hours notice that someone was staying in my house I would be horrified , I think it's probably because I am quite private , also the idea of someone looking at my mail,bank statements ,underwear drawer makes me feel physically ill.

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 08:51

I cope with MIL by hardly seeing her and being pig ignorant to her when I do. I have no shame

Pahaha!

Bramshott · 31/07/2013 08:52

I must be very odd - we always ask my PIL if they want to stay in the house at all while we're away (sometimes they ask) and I'm quite pleased when they say yes as I know they'll be there keeping an eye on things.

GlobalWarning · 31/07/2013 08:55

We are the opposite. We regularly cat sit at inlaws whilst they go on holiday. They had some DVDs of ours and DP asked her mum where they were. And following her instructions "in a box in my wardrobe", stared looking. DP was underwhelmed when a vibrator fell into her head from a box Shock Grin

Original poster
lineup · 31/07/2013 08:55

Outtolunch - I think I did have a physical reaction to the news, in more ways than one. Panic and rage all rolled into one.

Others - It's a lived in house with young children, bits and pieces everywhere, it's our HOME, not a hotel, nor a place to use whilst we're away unfortunately. Last night neither of us had the energy to do a huge cleanup of bathrooms/bedrooms/kitchen cupboards to accomodate MIL on this occasion.

I'm not one of those people who can just let snoopy types into my home when I'm not there. It's just a boundary issue, as yes I am a very private person, sometimes it's a good thing, other times not so good obviously

OP posts:
farewellfarewell · 31/07/2013 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 08:56

But Betternc4this that makes a couple of assumptions - firstly that the number of visits is limited and secondly that the MIL was 'hellbent'

It sounds as though mil said 'can I stay' and DH said 'sure' .

And my mother stayed two weeks ago. She is coming to stay again end of August.if she had wanted to stay this week while we are away it wouldn't have been at the expense of seeing the children.

curlew · 31/07/2013 08:58

I still want to know why the dp doesn't seem to have any say or rights in the matter. It's his house too, presumably.

diddl · 31/07/2013 08:59

Oh come on-MIL was trying it on!

It shouldn't affect her at all that she has been told at the last minute, that actually no, they don't want her there when they are not there afterall.

Original poster
lineup · 31/07/2013 09:00

he did have a say, he understood that if he wanted it to go ahead, he would be the one who would have to clear out the guest room/clean up on a massive scale last night

he chose to phone his mother instead

OP posts:
curlew · 31/07/2013 09:01

"Oh come on-MIL was trying it on!

It shouldn't affect her at all that she has been told at the last minute, that actually no, they don't want her there when they are not there afterall."

Really? Well, I suppose if your're of the "MILs are a different type of animals without any feelings to hurt" persuasion.....

curlew · 31/07/2013 09:02

"he did have a say, he understood that if he wanted it to go ahead, he would be the one who would have to clear out the guest room/clean up on a massive scale last night"

That's having a say????????

Original poster
lineup · 31/07/2013 09:05

yes it is Curlew, if he wanted them to stay then the preparations for their visit would have been entirely up to him to sort out, and seeing that it was such short notice, he soon realised that it wasn't worth the stress of doing the house cleanup in a panic PLUS packing preparing for the trip today

he's fine!

OP posts:
curlew · 31/07/2013 09:06

But the OP was imposing conditions on him inviting people to stay in his home..........

ohballs2013 · 31/07/2013 09:09

why do you get to say a unilateral NO?
isnt it your family home? the home that you and your husband share? that he should have equal say in?
why do you get to say NO, stamp your feet and make threats?
they are his parents, its his home as well.

Original poster
lineup · 31/07/2013 09:10

no, curlew, OP was telling him that the house ought to be in a presentable state for guests, and at such short notice, she couldnt assist

he realised that the easier option would be to just cancel it - he would have had to do too much late last night. by himself.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/07/2013 09:10

There was no reason for MIL to stay-other than the fact that she wanted to.

So, no, she shouldn't be upset just because she didn't get a snooping opportunity her own way.

Original poster
lineup · 31/07/2013 09:12

i didnt stamp feet, make threats, I protected our privacy rather than give in to a demanding MIL who had no need to visit when we're not here. I negotiated with him and we agreed, in the end, that it made more sense to cancel it. we are still friends, happy atmosphere this morning all is well. DH is not scarred for life. He thought it was hilarious apparently, in its triviality.

OP posts:
LaundryLegoLunch · 31/07/2013 09:14

I think if your house needs a clean up on a "massive scale" before having close family to stay then maybe you need to consider getting some help in your house. I have three children under 6 and it would take 30 mins of low level cleaning/tidying to accommodate unexpected guests.

And I'm surprised you'd be happy to return from holiday to your house being in this hellish state you're leaving it in.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 09:16

I guess the red herring was that it was a privacy thing. It's actually just another 'I hate my mil' thing.
It's fine if you hate your mil. But dressing it up as privacy, boundaries etc was a bit unnecessary.

I was baffled for ages about what the possible downside could be when actually 'I hate my mil' explains all.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/07/2013 09:19

Blimey, lego, are you one of those people who hovers themselves out of the door backwards when they go on holiday?

SuburbanRhonda · 31/07/2013 09:19

hoovers