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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 31/07/2013 07:45

When I say that my PIL looked after the house,it was my PIL from my first marriage- it worked brilliantly.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 31/07/2013 07:48

*I can't believe the OP is getting called all sorts for not wanting someone in her home, without invitation, while the family are away.

And even more gobsmacked nobody considers the request to be oddball to start with. Surely the only answer to such a weird request is 'Why?'

OP, you haven't been mean about MIL at all. And you certainly haven't been manipulative. And definitely not U.

Have a nice time!*

Could not agree more! Hope you and DH have lovely relaxing hols OP.

3birthdaybunnies · 31/07/2013 07:51

My dsis has no concept of boundaries a bit like your MIL, she will go through our documents, then discuss them with us, rearrange the kitchen, making me hunt for things for ages- that's when she is just visiting and we're in the house but just in another room. She did once suggest house sitting, bringing all her animals with her, strangely haven't taken her up on it. Other people I would let stay, but not a known snoop.

The OP is only 9 weeks pg - she may well be waiting for scans before telling anyone. MIL will snoop so will probably find hospital letters etc. OP should just enjoy her holiday and dh should learn to discuss things with her first.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 07:55

I haven't called the op names and I wouldn't dream of doing so. I too hope she has a nice holiday.

That doesn't mean I am not a bit baffled.

But it occurs to me that my family and friends are spread out. I might ask to stay in my mums house for example if she were away so I could easily visit oxford or other places in that area.

Is some of the differing opinion based around those whose mils live around the corner and those who live in a different county?

(Although the ops indignation that mil might use her spa bath definately leaves me baffled. Being horrified that someone might use your spa bath is a bit odd surely)

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 31/07/2013 08:10

What a complete over reaction - perhaps your DH considers his parents to be more important than your friends.

And as you have said that they live 300 miles away and never visit don't I don't understand when MIL will be in a position to judge?

I think you may come to look on this with embarassment in years to come.

cocolepew · 31/07/2013 08:12

In reference to the spa bath it does sound a bit odd but if you have a snoopy, snidey or interferring relative everything gets blown out of proportion. MIL was playing hide and seek with DD a few years ago and hid in my bed, under the covers. I really wasn't amused, but if was anyone else it probably wouldn't have annoyed me.
I don't let MIL use certain mugs in the house either Though this was the woman that told people I was dead and she was moving in with DH and the DDs to be their new mummy.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 08:16

Actually coco the spa bath thing made me roar!. Is that bad?

mumof2teenboys · 31/07/2013 08:21

I would hate for either my mum or my MIL to stay in my house. MIL stayed a couple of years ago while she was having a new kitchen fitted, it was only for 10 days or so but I hated every second of it. It did actually damage our relationship practically beyond repair.

I like my own space and need privacy, neither mum or MIL are welcome to stay when I'm at home, let alone if I was away. The idea makes me go cold inside.

I don't have a good relationship with either of them so am very aware that this does cloud my judgement. Although, I have a really close friend with a holiday home, she has offered it to us on several occasions but I wouldn't feel comfortable being there without her.

I don't like staying in other peoples homes either. Maybe I do actually have issues!

cocolepew · 31/07/2013 08:21

I'm not the person to ask. I turned into Sheldon Cooper when I came in and saw MIL sitting in my seat on the sofa with her shoes off and feet up.
I also Frebreeze any seat she's sat on when she goes

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/07/2013 08:25

coco she told people you were dead?

Oh My Good God!

She is absolutely as mad as a box of frogs, how on earth do you cope with her?

curlew · 31/07/2013 08:26

What I find so very depressing is that the the OP's dp is supposed to treat his own parents as if they were his in laws! Why on earth does the woman have a veto?

Can you imagine the thread "we're going away and as my mum needs a break I've said she can stay in our house while we're away, but DP doesn't want her to, and is insisting that I cancel at the last minute. AIBU to think he's being a controlling arse?"

nemno · 31/07/2013 08:28

I hope the OP is having a lovely holiday. In the meantime do we think the split in opinion here coincides with the shoes on shoes, off split?

I am a shoes on unless you want particularly to take them off and family and friends can and do stay at ours when we're away.

cjel · 31/07/2013 08:29

I don't understand the people who say wait till you are a mil and then what you'd feel like if your dil did this to you? I am a mil and have been twice over for over 10 years and if my dil - who is lovely but does have her 'ways' that she is teased about-- did this I wouldn't think oh no she hates me what have I done wrong, I would think ok her house, fair enough. we have been through times when they had babies for example when they didn't want us visiting and that was fine - lovely that they wanted to be a family - I don't take it as a slight, it is life and as adults they have a right to say how they want their lives to be , we get lovely times with them all and we are not judged by them if we say no to babysitting, moneylending etc etc.

Hope you have a lovely holiday OP and glad it is sorted out.xxx

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 08:29

Haha at febreeze.

She does sound grim Coco.

Bluegrass · 31/07/2013 08:32

Parents, in-laws, siblings on both sides all very welcome to use our home when we aren't there (and have done). They're family ffs, if you don't look after your family where does that leave you!

Half the planet are probably living with parents/in laws anyway, it seems quite a Western thing to reduce the concept of family right down to you, your partner and children and then to sit in your house with the drawbridge pulled up feeling precious about privacy. Besides, having them visit when you're not their sounds ideal to me, you do a good deed but don't risk getting under each other's feet!

Anyway, good to see the flood of people desperately trying to escalate things for the OP and turn a drama into a crisis! Must be a fair few people on this thread disappointed not to have more updates of blazing rows and divorce to enjoy sympathise with over a cup of tea.

whois · 31/07/2013 08:34

I don't think it's that strange a thing to do, can be a nice holiday going to a different place and being away from your own home even if its not touristy.

Original poster

lineup · 31/07/2013 08:35

he's just made be breakfast in bed & we're all packed up. Drama over!

OP posts:

CaptainJamesTKirk · 31/07/2013 08:37

Yes curlew! That thread would have gone very differently.

Anyway why the hell am I looking at this thread again, I had enough of it last night and here I am again?

CaptainJamesTKirk · 31/07/2013 08:38

And meanwhile your MIL is having to unpack the luggage she packed to come and stay at your house because only 12 hours before you are due to go on your holiday you decided she wasn't welcome.

Aaahhhh leave the thread Kirk, leave it.

Original poster

lineup · 31/07/2013 08:39

Yes she is, Captain, however she is welcome to visit any other time when DCs are around, will make her visit truly special when we are actually here, wont it?!

OP posts:

curlew · 31/07/2013 08:41

Love it when the person who completely got their own way says "Drama over!"

CaptainJamesTKirk · 31/07/2013 08:41

Well I'm sure you will make her really special, seeing as you have such a wonderful relationship with her.

Wondering of your next thread will be 'AIBU MIL wants to come to stay for 3 weeks while we are here!'. You'll be wishing you let her stay while you were away!

LaundryLegoLunch · 31/07/2013 08:41

Drama over? The drama that you created, then stamped your feet like a toddler until your husband was sent scurrying off to deliver your message? Well after all you are NINE WEEKS PREGNANT.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 31/07/2013 08:42

I've been at reading this all the way through - because I just don't get the territorial privacy thing. If I've got something I am embarrassed about and you find it the problem is all yours - and you can never admit to having seen it! Imagine!

However, faith in humanity is restored reading pagwatch's post. That is exactly how I am too. It's just a house. They're just things. Anyone of my friends or family is welcome to my house anytime they want/need it if I'm not here. Or sometimes even if I am. I love having a houseful!

cocolepew · 31/07/2013 08:43

I cope with MIL by hardly seeing her and being pig ignorant to her when I do. I have no shame .

Enjoy your holiday lineup .

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