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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
ladymariner · 30/07/2013 23:48

Op still hasn't said whether she'd be as 'female and terratorial' ( Hmm ) if it was her own mother who had asked to stay.
I hope you've packed a cople of books to pass the time op, cos after the way you've behaved towards your dh's mother I think you'll find there may be some awkward silences on this holiday......
Fwiw, I don't think you were unreasonable to want to be asked, as you say it's your home, but have you stopped to consider why your dh didn't ask you? Maybe he knew you'd react as childishly as this. Perhaps if you were a bit more adult about things he would have discussed it with you before now and you could have calmly put your points across and hopefully would have got your own way, and fair play to you. Instead you have come across as extremely controlling and unwelcoming.

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 23:49

I've apologised to DH for going off on one earlier, he's said it's ok PIL understood & he said tomo is new day. Thanks for all your input & support

OP posts:
TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 30/07/2013 23:50

Nope not mil! I just don't get the problem, to me there is no problem.
There is a difference between ' you are going away for 3 weeks let me stay in your house' and ' oh you are away for 3 weeks would you like us to stay and look after things'.
Op has not said which way this was said and her reasons for snoopyness is just ridiculous.

Op, I feel sorry for your dh and mil, you sound controlling and paranoid.

There is so much mil bashing on here it in unreal Sad

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/07/2013 00:00

Who's been rude? Disagreeing with somebody and saying that you think they behaved badly is rude, is it?

OP - I'm glad you have apologised to your dh, but I'm amazed that he has let you manipulate all this to get your own way tbh.

Anyway, it is bedtime - have a nice holiday.

farewellfarewell · 31/07/2013 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsDOfly · 31/07/2013 00:12

I can understand the OP's reluctance to have her personal space invaded. Why should she hand over her home to her MIL? It isn't reasonable for MIL to suggest it.

Something similar happened to me when I was living abroad for a year before I married my now exh. He came out to visit me for a couple of months and let his sister live in our flat while he was away.

I didn't find out he'd done this until he told me months later when I came back to my home and found several sets of my bedding left dirty and stuffed into the back of my wardrobe and the bath stained with black hair dye.

Like the OP I was furious that he hadn't asked me first and had he asked me I too would have refused. She doesn't like her MIL so why would she want her living in her house, possibly sleeping in her bed.

Twirlyhot · 31/07/2013 00:15

People are different.

I grew up in a family where you would never go into someone else's bedroom without knocking, you'd never go rooting around in their wardrobes or drawers. You'd ask them if it was ok. As a result, if I'm at someone else's house, I would never dream of looking in their bedroom or wandering into rooms without checking it was ok.

My MIL is different. Although she would hate it if anyone did it to her, she seems to have no sense of boundaries when it comes to her adult children. She would open a shut door. If you left her alone to go grab something from upstairs she'd be in the kitchen by the time you got back, looking in your cupboards. If left alone in the house she would be into everything, reading mail, rearranging all your belongings. The next family dinner she'd decide to start a conversation about the pile cream she found in your bathroom cabinet or how she had to ask her friend who works in the doctors' surgery what those tablets she found in your bedside drawer were for or how you should really buy some new underwear because some of it's getting a bit raggedy. She has no shame.

She has done it to all her DC. Over time they've all managed (with difficulty) to put some boundaries in place. She sulks about it.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/07/2013 01:38

YANBU. Some of us are more territorial about our personal space then others. I would hate to have anyone in my home, with access to everything, when I'm not there. I wouldn't let my own mother stay because she'd look at and judge everything and then gossip about everything she'd found. I'd hate that and it would spoil my holiday knowing it was going on.

People are saying the OP is bats hit mental for reacting the way she did. Perhaps her reaction has a lot to do with the fact that she was not consulted about something her DH obviously knew she wouldn't like but did regardless. And saying she's manipulated him? HE manipulated HER by agreeing to it, not mentioning it till the last second, saying he'd call to cancel when he had no intention of doing so.

heraqueenofheaven · 31/07/2013 02:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jengnr · 31/07/2013 03:14

I can't believe the OP is getting called all sorts for not wanting someone in her home, without invitation, while the family are away.

And even more gobsmacked nobody considers the request to be oddball to start with. Surely the only answer to such a weird request is 'Why?'

OP, you haven't been mean about MIL at all. And you certainly haven't been manipulative. And definitely not U.

Have a nice time!

everlong · 31/07/2013 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 31/07/2013 04:00

We use house sitters while we are away several times a year so have no problem with people coming into our home. They look after our animals and add security which is important as we live in a high crime area. We honestly couldn't go away and leave the house empty for two weeks. If we lived in a low crime area perhaps it would be different.

Having said all that, it has to feel right, we have cancelled house sitters in the past when it just didn't feel right. They have to be respectful and have boundaries otherwise its intrusive.

The OP has been given a hard time here here, if she feels that its not right then its not right. Her DH should have consulted her, it should have been a joint decision. Yes, it could have been handled better but its her right to refuse.

Anyway OP, I'm glad it's resolved for you. Have a restful holiday and FWIW I wouldn't have my PILs house sitting for me for exactly the same reasons as you.

Cerisier · 31/07/2013 05:31

I am another one who thinks the OP has been given a hard time. I can't believe the DH agreed to it and was so slow in sorting it out. The PIL were extremely cheeky and risked their DS's relationship for their own selfish ends.

I am glad it has all been resolved and hope you have a good holiday OP after all this stress.

Pitmountainpony · 31/07/2013 05:57

Lineup. I a with you...not weird at all.
But in defense of your husband he is probably trying to pleae his mil and no doubt does not do the work involved I cleaning a house for spectators.
We are going on holiday and he casually suggested we let family stay in our home.....lovely people we have met once before.....but he didn,t want to stay at their place...we visit their area...as that would be too much trouble...but happy to put me to the trouble of deep cleaning our house so he can help them out with free accommodation.
With two little kids the truth is my house has areas of hidden mess I do not want another person viewing and having opinions on...so I would be forced to do a massive stressful pre holiday clean...what a way to start a holiday. Yanbu.
Maybe the people on here who all have people in their houses have really tidy homes.
Or they don,t care if people see their mess.
I suspect the op is not like that with two small children.
Her mil can come visit when she is there.......it is a pretty cheeky request.....if someone offers it that is different.

Pitmountainpony · 31/07/2013 06:02

Happy holiday op.
You are not a loon or a nutcase but a perfectly reasonable mother who does not feel like working her arse off to prepare her home to be used as a free holiday home for people who have their own home.
Whilst in early pregnancy. Let us not forget that.

Tell the dh never to do this kind of thing again....but he was nbu either, probably just a laid back bloke who does not have to deal with the consequences of his offer, because he probably does the non lion,s share of all the ruddy work that goes into running and keeping a household in even the most basic order.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 06:52

Have a good relaxing Holiday OP and ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))Flowers

My own Mum was the snoop. I am solidly on Team OP

exoticfruits · 31/07/2013 07:12

If you don't want them, and think they will snoop, then just refuse.
Mine used to stay and it was lovely because we came back to a clean, tidy house with the garden all up to date- but they were not people to snoop. I miss it now that they are elderly and can't do it.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 07:24

God, it never ceases to amaze me how different people are.
I have a nice house with a big garden in a nice town. I also am incredibly lucky and have a house abroad.
Any of my friends or family who wants to stay is welcome.
They are my friends and my family. Why would I say no?
And if mil was snoopy then she should be ashamed, not me.

We are away now. Ds1 and some friends are at our house. When we go away next my mother will probably stay.
It's my home. It's not a fortress. I would hate to have to feel so defensive/protective of my privacy that I couldn't let people stay.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 07:28

Page you are lovely Smile I think the difference here is OP needing to lock up her documents and journels and bills.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 07:29

Pagwatch ^

marriedinwhiteisback · 31/07/2013 07:35

Agrees with Pagwatch. You put it better than me.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 07:35

Nah - my mum leaves my house looking cleaner than I ever do. I should pay her really Grin

marriedinwhiteisback · 31/07/2013 07:36

But the bit I don't get ginger is why the op has to keep things secret. Am honestly racking my brains about what my mil or mum or anyone else doesn't know already.

24again · 31/07/2013 07:40

I've had my MIL to stay when we were away and it was brilliant! She had a lovely time and did lots of day trips and then (really) deep cleaned my house for me while we were away. Coming back to an immaculate house was almost better than going on holiday!

exoticfruits · 31/07/2013 07:44

I find it nice to have the house occupied. People are constantly giving the opinion that you shouldn't say on FB that you are on holiday because it is an invitation to burglars- but I can't see why burglars assume the house is empty- they would get a shock at our house!