Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 30/07/2013 22:59

lineup, my MIL would be the same. We have had them staying once or twice to mind dc's while dh and I weren't there and I just knew she would be telling houseproud SIL about the state of our upstairs bathroom. And going through stuff and telling other people.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 23:00

You're accusing her of slander now?

Look OP your privacy and peace of mind are important to you, that's fine, they're important to me too. But you must admit you have manipulated your DH into getting your own way and that is at the expense of your relationship with your DH (and his parents) and at the expense of your family and their holiday.

You had the opportunity to rise above it, you decided not to take it. If you have sons, then please remember this moment when you have a daughter in law of your own.

IrisWildthyme · 30/07/2013 23:01

YANBU OP, I hope it all gets solved to your satisfaction.

I think I'd still be changing the locks before leaving if it was me, just in case.

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 23:02

when/if I have a daughter in law, I wont invite myself to her home while she's away!

OP posts:
TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 30/07/2013 23:02

I was hoping after 11 pages there might be a real reason why you do not want your mil to stay, you have argued with your dh and you do not want to go on holiday. So far I have found none. Pointless thread so goodnight op and enjoy your break away I hope you don't get burgled :)

FunLovinBunster · 30/07/2013 23:02

MiL started the manipulation. The Eunuch continued it.

Stubbed · 30/07/2013 23:03

I'm lucky: if my MIL came to stay I would come back to a spotless house, a freezer full of meals, a cupboard full of cakes, a pile of ironing done, a tidy garden and probably a load of new clothes for the children. She wouldn't snoop or gossip and it wouldn't bother me at all. I don't know her that well but she's lovely...

Bugsylugs · 30/07/2013 23:05

sarah but op has very clearly stated he forgot so why do you not believe her.

You have a lovely dh for making that call for what you have implied was an honest mistake you on the other hand have been very unreasonable

Original poster
lineup · 30/07/2013 23:07

yes he is lovely, and we remain friends and will have a good holiday

everyone is very different as regards privacy/boundaries/personal space it seems, some dont care who stays and sees whatever, others more protective. I'm clearly one of the more manic protective varieties

OP posts:
piratecat · 30/07/2013 23:08

if my mother came to stay i'd find her on the sofa where i'd left her.

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 23:08

lineup it's not about inviting herself, she asked, your DH said yes. That's not 'inviting yourself'.

And your future potential DIL could pick anything to dislike you about. Anything. She may feel you judge her from the tiniest look or the tiniest comment, and that's it... You're no longer welcome and slowly edged out of your son's life in favour of the wife's mum, who doesn't judge. You'll get phone calls the day before anticipated visits that you've really looked forward to saying you aren't welcome.

Hey whatever, I'm coming across as preachy now. Your life. Your holiday. Your relationships. Enjoy!

piratecat · 30/07/2013 23:10

course everyone is different. you don't want them there for reasons only you know.

how did they take it?

how long had he known by the way?

MikeOxard · 30/07/2013 23:10

CaptainJamesTKirk, are you the MIL? And ThePros - 'Hope you don't get burgled' Really?? Are you the MIL as well?! Horrible wierdos.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/07/2013 23:12

I have sons. I can't imagine inviting myself to their house for 3 weeks when they have grown up and left home, and are away on holiday. I would assume that I would want to visit when they are there!

Bogeyface · 30/07/2013 23:14

CJTK I wouldnt have my own mother stay in my house for the poking, prying, judging and gossiping that the OP mentioned. Its nothing to do with who is who in the family, but everything to do with respecting boundaries which ma and the OPs MIL dont do.

belatedmaybe · 30/07/2013 23:15

For me the problem here is that dh made a unilateral decision about something that is not just his further it is a home not a shared car or dvd player that would be lent more readily.

Obviously that sort of thing leads to the other person also making a unilateral decision the opposite way! It is quite possible with warning and discussion that the op would not have felt as strongly but finding out last minute is never going to be good!

Hope mil is reasonable op, sounds like your dh is despite this slip up Smile

CheckpointCharlie · 30/07/2013 23:15

YANBU I would not feel at all comfortable with the IL in my house when we are not here and my mil sounds similar to yours OP.

I can ony assume all the very rude MNetters who are castigating you must have very nice MILs and a short supply of empathy........

CaptainJamesTKirk · 30/07/2013 23:16

Nope not the MIL. My DS is 3 (so I have a few years before I have to worry about being an MIL). I just think the OP has been extremely manipulative. Like I said though, I'm getting preachy so it's time I moved on from this thread with a happy holidays OP. Wink

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/07/2013 23:17

I also am finding it strange that OP's husband "forgot" to mention the visit at any point until the evening before they left.

Would it not have come up at all when planning / packing?

Hercy · 30/07/2013 23:18

The only thing I would be annoyed about would be the last minute nature of it, as I'd like to make sure the house was guest ready - nothing over the top like clearing out the spice rack, but clean towels, instructions left for appliances the might use, floors and surfaces clean etc. but I would just tell my partner off in a ' you could have said earlier for goodness sake way', not flying into a rage and issuing ultimatums.

I can't believe your dh is really fine with all this and it's over and you'll have a nice holiday. I would be very pissed off with how you've reacted if I was your dh. He must be very tolerant/used to you being batshit mental.

piratecat · 30/07/2013 23:19

ouch

CheckpointCharlie · 30/07/2013 23:25

But surely anyone reasonable can understand why the OP doesn't want a snoopy person snooping round her personal belongings!?!?!?!

She is NOT batshit mental?! I honestly don't get how people are saying the OP is unreasonable. This woman is not a 'normal' MIL (ie. nice, helpful etc) she is nosy, judgemental and has a distinct lack of boundaries! WHY would anyone welcome someone like this into their house when they are away?

And I would be on the phone to a divorce lawyer if my DH had done this to me, how dismissive of him. OP I am SO with you on this.

ClartyCarol · 30/07/2013 23:27

CaptainKirk - of course she invited herself!

Someone says to you - would you like to come and stay? They have invited you.

You say to someone - can I come and stay? You have invited yourself.

And who is being manipulative now with all that shite? "You'll get phone calls the day before anticipated visits you've really looked forward to saying you're not welcome". Well no, you're not welcome when you've invited yourself to stay, for some unknown reason, in someone else's house when they are not even there, and will be likely to spend hours riffling through their personal things.

OP, you were not U. Hope you have a good holiday and check under the bin before you leave.

SarahAndFuck · 30/07/2013 23:39

Bugsy I haven't said anywhere that I don't believe the OP.

The thread is moving quickly and I was also on the phone while reading and typing. Lots of x-posts took place, which I acknowledged, including the one where the OP said he had forgotten to tell her.

I stand by my last post. Having someone spend three weeks in your home, whether you are there or not, is something that you both should be in agreement with.

And the OP wasn't given the opportunity to discuss it.

Saying that doesn't mean I don't believe the OP when she says he forgot to tell her rather than he deliberately kept it from her.

But it doesn't make it any less true that she wasn't given the opportunity to discuss it until the night before all this was due to happen.

cocolepew · 30/07/2013 23:43

I wouldn't like it if some one did my cleaning and ironing etc when I was away like some people are saying. I'd take it that they thought I was a lazy bugger.
Which I am, but that's not their right to'fix'.

I would be happy for my parents or even friends to stay in my house, just not the in laws. It's hard to put across to others who don't have irritating PIL how uptight they make you.