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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what your bottom-line for friendship is?

84 replies

ARealDame · 29/07/2013 18:19

I have a chronic illness (don't talk about it much, and to a large extent its invisible). But I have decided new (and old) friends who just ignore this completely, are being put in the out tray ...

Its a bit sad. Selfish people are often exciting people (why is that?). But it gets old, and draining. Should I look out for more gentle kind of people?

Whats your bottom-line?

OP posts:

farrowandbawl · 29/07/2013 18:25

You are right to ditch these people if they treat you like that. You've got enough to deal with.

My bottom line? When I find thay have no respect for me. That can range from having a go at me because I didn't answer a text or call back quick enough to slagging me or my kids behind my back.

trice · 29/07/2013 18:26

I have to enjoy their company. If it is always hard work or no fun then there is no point.

I have lost a few friends since I got ill. I can no longer do the things we used to do together. I can't go hiking. I get tired easily. I can't drink. I have no money since I stopped earning. The list is long.

It sucks but I am not as much fun as I used to be. Friends who have stuck around are kinder and gentler.

raisah · 29/07/2013 18:29

Similar to yours, I've cut down to a small circle if nearest & dearest. After I had my son 3 months early, I found out who my real friends were & though it hurt me at the time I edited accordingly. One woman left a nasty voicemail message complaining about my none attendance at a party for her husband. My son was in NICU & was in a critical condition but she expected me to leave him to attend a party at her home 2 hours away. There was nothing I could say to her, words completely failed me for the first time in my life!

3monkeys · 29/07/2013 18:30

I'm not great with friends. But when DS2's godmother forgot his birthday, that finished things for me, ending a friendship that had drifted off anyway

LimitedEditionLady · 29/07/2013 18:32

Do you mean they are ignoring in a way that they are not understanding your life has changed somewhat?
Ive ditched friends too,if they cause you more stress than joy get rid x

WineNot · 29/07/2013 18:33

When they expect far more from me than they give to me (emotionally, not materially).

Ilovemypajamas · 29/07/2013 18:33

Unless there were really extreme circumstances I'd have to say the ability to communicate and the ability to forgive. No one is perfect or psychic, including me and my friends. Although I think in raisah's case I would struggle.

LukewarmBath · 29/07/2013 18:35

I totally agree with you OP about selfish people being exciting people. All the most popular women that I know are selfish, full of themselves and never make any effort for other people, yet they have people fawning over them and swarming round them like flies round shit!

In answer to your question; I am very fussy about who I am friends with these days. I won't tolerate someone that treats me in a disrespectful way, whether that's constantly being late, making put down comments to me, or leaving me to make all the effort in a friendship. In fact, these days there are actually very few people that I can be arsed with. So many people are out for themselves and are just selfish and self absorbed

PeriodFeatures · 29/07/2013 18:41

Um..I really struggle with people that gravitate towards drama, have issues that they don't want to change and seek attention.

Friendship IMO is one of the great things in life, it lifts one up out of the daily day to day struggles and doesn't seek to draw people into them.

So yes, my bottom line is people that don't take responsibility for their own lives and I feel heavily weighed down by them. Someone who constantly (years and years!) has relationship issues and goes on and on about them without making any positive choices and someone who has a weight issue and moans on a regular basis about the associated health conditions, failing to acknowledge that they relate to her weight, despite being told by the doctor that they do, not following advice and self sabotaging efforts to change. Discussing all the reasons why they can't change, regularly. YAWN.

And people that are seeking a comfort 'port in a storm friend' then bugger off when they dont need anything.

Don't sit there and eat a pack of cream cakes and moan about your weight and sore knee and fibromyalgia. Go to the fecking gym or stfu!

God i'm a bitch. (but a happy one!)

PoppyWearer · 29/07/2013 18:42

From past experience, it's when they expect you to put all of the effort into a friendship but put very little in themselves.

For example, being late every single time you meet, sometimes an hour late, spending every single time you meet going on about your problems, "poor me", never remembering your birthday or DCs' birthdays until past, then seeing it on Facebook and making up some rubbish excuse.

But expecting you to be the perfect friend in return.

LukewarmBath · 29/07/2013 18:43

I agree, PeriodFeatures. I hate Drama Llamas too, and people who won't help themselves! Actually I have recently distanced myself from a 'friend' who split up from a boyfriend about a year ago and goes on and on and on about him all the time and how she's feeling. it's become draining and she won't consider anything to help herself get over him. I can't remember the last time she asked how I was or even the last time we talked about anything to do with me in a conversation.

BeesGoBuzzzzzz · 29/07/2013 18:44

I think fairness has become very important to me. I have a not very supportive family background and have collected friends who ask but don't deliver. Am slowly edging away from them and trying to find people who are either just fun or genuine helpful friends, but NOT those who want your help but never pay it back.

I have way fewer social occasions now, but feel much more enriched.

DeWe · 29/07/2013 18:51

But it depends on what you mean by ignore it totally.

I've a friend who has been given less than 6 months to live. I make an effort when I see her to talk about normal things, because so many people come and drip tears over her with things like "you're so brave", "I couldn't stop crying when I heard", "are you able to XYZ" or wanting her to tell them lots of details, even if she's not that friendly.

She said to me at one point that she had so many people asking her, she felt it was being rubbed into her every time she saw anyone.

So I'll ask after last weekend, what dress her dd wore to the disco, whether her cat was frightened of the thunder...
I very rarely mention her illness, but she knows I think about her, and if she wishes to tell me anything, then she can, but she doesn't feel that she has to if she doesn't want to.

As far as she has given the impression (and she's not a "hold-back" sort of person) she appreciates that.

PeriodFeatures · 29/07/2013 18:52

Lukewarm Drama llamas!! Ha ha.

daisychain01 · 29/07/2013 18:59

People who are so caught up in their lives, their activities, their ishhooos,[yawn] that they don't even connect - then it is a busted flush. It does take a lot for me to walk away, but when I have made the decision it is because I have reached the stage that I dread seeing them.

Most things can be talked through and resolved, but some personalities just aren't that way inclined!

Original poster

ARealDame · 29/07/2013 19:01

People who are so caught up in their lives, their activities, their ishhooos,[yawn]

Yes, it feels something like that, can't put it into words, but there is a lack of a connection if its a one-woman show ...

For other folks, I guess it can be worked through/talked through in some way ...

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 29/07/2013 19:48

Have you tried talking to them about your illness?

magimedi · 29/07/2013 19:53

I am getting old (58) & I have realised that there are the friends you can count on the fingers of one hand.

The rest are fair weather fuckers.

formicadinosaur · 29/07/2013 19:57

Can you ask them to deliver? Ask directly maybe?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 29/07/2013 20:00

I don't mind if my friends drift in and out of regular contact. We're all busy people and I'm as guilty as anyone of neglecting my social life. If I can sit down every so often with a glass of wine cup of tea and chat nonsense to someone no matter how long it's been since our last get-together, they're a keeper. If it's awkward or they get arsey about me not being a big party animal anymore, I let the friendship fade.

Scruffey · 29/07/2013 20:03

Taking advantage of me - practically, emotionally or financially. Deceiving me, getting me to go somewhere on false pretences.

LukewarmBath · 29/07/2013 20:04

Another thing I've thought of and yes I probably am a miserable intolerant cow!, is people who talk about their woes and problems and issues that they've had with others, and expect you to agree with them, back them up and side with them. However if the boot is ever on the other foot they either stay on the fence, change the subject or won't commit to standing by you.

Fourwillies · 29/07/2013 20:05

I have only one criterium regarding friends: how I feel when I've just left them. If I feel drained, uneasy, and uncomfortable about myself and life, they're gone. If I feel warm, happy, giggly, energised, positive, they stay.
I consider myself popular, and also very loyal. I'm more than happy to support a friend in need, and I never slag anyone off behind their back. I like to help and if I can, I will.
But if I feels strange uncomfortable imbalance, that's it, it's over. Works pretty well for me I think.

MariaLuna · 29/07/2013 20:07

Yes, I have let go of friends who are all a 1-way street: taking months to set up a simple meet-up for coffee , or bitching about some perceived "wrong" on my part (when I was actually trying to help her, so jealousy I think), etc.

I once read an article in the paper and this always stayed with me:

"Since becoming a mother I can't help but notice how neurotically self-obsessed all my single friends are."

Well, you can be a mum and single or married too but the fact is a lot of people are "neurotically self-obsessed".

Solitude is sometimes so much more preferable

HesterShaw · 29/07/2013 20:12

That they are nice and kind - when making new friends that is. Obviously I would prefer it if they were interesting as well, and that we had things in common.

With old friends it gets more complicated, because you have a shared history. My old school friend who I adore is frequently thoughtless and selfish, but because she and I have such fun when we are together and have so many shared memories, I can overlook it.

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