To ask what your bottom-line for friendship is?

[ARealDame]

I have a chronic illness (don't talk about it much, and to a large extent its invisible). But I have decided new (and old) friends who just ignore this completely, are being put in the out tray ...

Its a bit sad. Selfish people are often exciting people (why is that?). But it gets old, and draining. Should I look out for more gentle kind of people?

Whats your bottom-line?

I think the only thing that matters is that you share a sense of humour. I love Jimmy Carr, so if someone says they cant stand him, Id know there is no future for us, because Id offend them with un pc jokes.

Once in group I made a "joke" about John Prescott forgetting to throw up after he binged.. a couple thought it was hilarious, and the rest gasped in horror

Oh and negativity, obviously nobody is happy all the time, but if the first thing someone says to me is "I suffer from depression" Id think YAWN. Like someone said, joy suckers.

Other than that Im really laid back, I don't ask anything from my friends, don't have standards at all, except the sense of humour thing. For example, I have one great friend who is a terrible criminal - she cracks me up with stories of drug busts and police raids... Id never leave my children with her, but I could talk to her on the phone for hours.

I suppose Im a bit shallow really

My husband is really my best friend and I don't really need anyone else

As FourWillies has just said I don't think anyone has said friends should be dropped for casual reasons, well I certainly didn't. I don't think its a casual reason to distance yourself from a "friend" who dismisses your health problems because it gets in the way of their high maintenance practical (and neurotic) demands. Perhaps that clears up the "illness" question, i.e. I'm not being precious about it at all. The uncaring attitude however, I've decided is a bottom line for me ... but others may have very different ones, depending on their values and needs.

I think as we are all individuals, and imperfect, there is inevitably a lot of give and take and forgiveness necessary in friendships as well as acquaintances and neighbours and co-workers. THATS why I asked was there a "bottom line" in friendship, something you would simply not put up with? Some friendships, like any relationships, can be abusive. I've seen more than a few threads on here where I think really, that's a friend?

Anyway, thanks for sharing all your thoughts. I will go back and read a the interesting posts once thread has finished. (Shame some posts got a bit angry/accusatory towards other posters but anyway).

Here's to new and happy friendships and and .

This is interesting reading for me and has helped me define what I'm going to do next. Having recently spent a weekend with an old friend, I'm now convinced I need to back off from the friendship. I only see her maybe 2-3 times a year for a weekend at a time, but for the past 3 or so meet-ups I've just felt like she has become so utterly self-absorbed, we just don't connect, our lives are too different, but more importantly than that, our values are so different. I think I have become more certain of my own values, and she has become more outspoken about hers, but I spent the weekend being half offended, sometimes almost disgusted, pi$$ed off, baffled and just wishing myself elsewhere.

I could have been spending time with my lovely DH and DD :-(

So it's for the bin that one.

D

I try to keep a combination of friends.

Obviously, for myself, I like the upbeat, positive ones, because they do give a 'lift' to the day. But equally I keep a small number of friends I would describe as more draining, because I still believe they are good/nice people, just needy.

I don't mind fulfilling other peoples' needs in their turn, I just have to make sure I rotate time spent so that I don't get too bogged down myself. I also don't allow the needier friends to progress beyond a certain point. My boundaries are sharp these days!

Funny old world...

OP maybe you are being a little unfair on your friends? You say that your illness is largely invisible and you don't talk about it very much. Maybe your friends have sensed that you don't want to talk about it or perhaps feel that you don't want to so avoid it so as not to upset you. Do they never ever ask? As you said your illness is invisible so maybe they just forget as it is not obvious. Surely it is not intentional.
But I do have to agree about the exciting friends being selfish. One of my friends is like this. She is good fun to be around but is totally unreliable and only does what she wants to do. It used to do my head in but I have made the decision to just accept the way she is. I never make plans with her as I know she is unreliable and just take it as it comes. Plus I don't feel guilty if I let her down as she does it to other people.

Yes, good point Crinkle. OP do you mean that you think your friends should ask how you are?

If you don't talk about it why would they? They would assume you are fine and talk about normal things.

It really depends on what your illness is, if its something serious which could get worse, Id be very concerned and ask how you were all the time. If it was something to do with mental health, I wouldn't bother.

I only have a handful of close friends. That way I avoid the situations of which you speak.
I have twice consciously 'dropped' people. Once, a very intense dramatic girl who I lived with at college. She was very full-on to my face, loved and trusted me, couldn't cope without me, I was the only person who knew the real her etc. Behind my back she was bitching about me to everyone and stirring up trouble with my boyfriend. I hate hypocrites.
The other was a woman I had known since childhood. She became a teacher and slept with one of her students (the student wasn't under-age). That crossed a line for me morally and I let her know I thought that before breaking contact.
I think a lot of people only like you when you are strong and fun. A lot of people can't cope with weakness, perceived or otherwise.

In the past few years I have dropped:

one friend for being continually flaky. Always cancelling at last minute, totally unreliable.

One friend for being too much of an emotional vampire. Constantly needing help, reassurance, guidance, advice for the most petty and inane of problems.

a friend with addiction issues that she lied about/refused to address.

On the whole my criteria is that they must be: easy going, fun, loyal and good company. Why bother if they're not?

My oldest friend is going through a horrible divorce right now. We are 3 years into it and she's still really struggling.

It's hard being around her because although she tries really hard to ask you about you and take an interest, she's clearly not listening when you talk to her about anything other than what a total bastard her ex-dh is.

There's only 2 or 3 of us left standing now, that will even listen to her on a bad day. It's really hard going, but as my other friend said to me recently...

"What can you do? She's a mate."

Weird isnt it that we are all so different!

Interesting elinor that you dropped your friend for moral reasons.. I wouldn't care that my friend broke the law or behaved badly as long as she was good fun to be around!

Same with you Nancy, I wouldn't care if a friend took drugs, unless it made her a bore!

Deliaskis: Are you me?

I dropped one friend because she caused too much drama. She would come out with us, get hammered and start fights then race behind us and expect us to diffuse the situation. She kept trying it on with various partners of the ladies ad gents within our friendship cycle and she harassed and tried to force one of my closest friend's to kiss her when she was hammered. In the end, no one wanted her out-people were uncomfortable and my ex-friend was unremorseful, in fact laughed about the annoyance and upset. In the ten years since she hasn't changed one iota, i didn't feel at all out of order for declining her invitation at an ol school reunion to reconnect, I was civil and friendly but she's far too dramatic and annoying.

In regards to other limits, unless they betrayed me or hurt me or did something I considered immoral I wouldn't drop them. I have learnt that sometimes friends can see your friendship on a different level to them and so I tailor to each friend. I have one acquaintance who never asks about myself or anyone else, she's all me me me and so when i see her out I'm very polite but after ten minutes of it I make an excuse to move on. I have a friend I wouldn't trust with a lot of information because she's such an unrepentant gossip. I love her, she's great but she always gossiping, sometimes shitstirring too. I've learnt never to tell her anything. Most of my friends are great though-there's some give and take at times but i know if i need them they'd be there and vice versa.

OP are they ignoring as in they choose activities they know you can't do then get put out or look blank when you state you can't come? Or could they perhaps just be avoiding the subject in case you don't want to talk about it and letting you lead it into conversation if you want to?

The bottom line with my ex best friend was realising how little I meant to her. I live 5 hours away from her and always make the effort to try to meet (even if I'm only back for 48 hours and am knackered from the drive and seeing various family members). Lots of little things kept bugging me, cancelling for various sicknesses and other plans and then seeming distant and uninterested when we did meet.

The last time we met up she left me waiting an hour on my own in a pub on a friday night, arrived half cut and then left half an hour later to go clubbing in another town with not enough room in the car for me to come along too.

I don't know. I don't really pursue friendships, so all my friends are highly sociable people who make all the social effort. I do practical things for them in return, like decluttering help or fixing their computers. I drop people who hassle me with their drama about nothing, or tell absurd lies, that sort of person. Or rather they drop me? In the face of my utter disinterest they tend to take themselves off. I don't do interpersonal drama.

I'm pretty tolerant otherwise. I have a friend who is completely mad - has repeatedly been sectioned - but it's not the sort of thing that bothers me. She does actually tell lots of mad lies but, hrm, how to say. I just don't get into any situations where that might affect me. I don't engage.

One reason we get on is that I'm very safe for her. I don't really tell people secrets or ask them for favours. I have pretty unbreakable boundaries and can't be swept up in her mania (which can look like enthusiasm and inspiration for a long time). So when she comes down she hasn't firebombed our relationship like she has with other people.

Similarly, I get on with people who like to organise and control social situations, who like to be Queen Bee. I'm very happy to outsource this work to someone who likes it and just turn up. I may actually be a man.

I never call people. I don't have a ringer on my phone and so I never answer it when people call me. I do remember birthdays! I have an app. But otherwise, no. I don't think about people in that way. When they're in front of me, I love them and do my best to be kind and fun, but when they're not I don't miss them. I have two very close friends that I also work with. When I'm not working, I don't think to speak to them. But they are like sisters.

I don't call my sister either. She's aces though. I love her.

CoTananat that is the funniest post I've ever read. You don't sound as if you'll ever be short on friends. PM me with the name of your book, please, I will read it. (I assume everyone on here is a procrastinating novelist).

Four that is exactly my motto! You can get caught up in the moment of being in someones company, but when you leave it such a true indicator. Another thing is a counsellor once said to me, with every relationship "what do you get out of it?". Not in a mean spirited way, but is it equal? Are you happy? I guess once you get that thought into your head it is quite hard (in a good way) to not apply it to relationships. Even if it just to make you aware x

I know, I know, I'm really really weird. But you're right! I have plenty of friends.

I am not a novelist, I'm a programmer. (No one is surprised.)

I'm in a bit of a situation right now where I feel I may distance myself from one of my closest friends. It appears I have been 'Wendy'd'. :( My lovely friend doesnt seem to be quite so lovely anymore and its dawned on me that she spends so much time bitching about other friends, their kids, their partners etc that I can't think of a single reason why I won't be getting it in the back as soon as I walk away. Its sad but its not what I need in a friendship.

Me too CoTananat. Funniest post ever.

My husband is a programmer and refuses to be caught up in my 'interpersonal dramas' dammit...

Need to lose a stone very quickly please can somebody suggest a diet whereby I will not be hungry. TIA

Wtf have I just read. Zombie from 2013 and diet tips