To ask what your bottom-line for friendship is?

[ARealDame]

I have a chronic illness (don't talk about it much, and to a large extent its invisible). But I have decided new (and old) friends who just ignore this completely, are being put in the out tray ...

Its a bit sad. Selfish people are often exciting people (why is that?). But it gets old, and draining. Should I look out for more gentle kind of people?

Whats your bottom-line?

Christmas card

People who expect me to do all the running to keep in touch.

But OP, are you expecting your friends to be psychic if your chronic illness is largely invisible and you almost never speak about it? I mean, maybe they’re acting as they imagine you wish them to act. Have you told them how you would like them to act, if the way they are doesn’t suit you?

Zombie and half! 2013!!

@LukewarmBath

I totally agree with you OP about selfish people being exciting people. All the most popular women that I know are selfish, full of themselves and never make any effort for other people, yet they have people fawning over them and swarming round them like flies round shit!

In answer to your question; I am very fussy about who I am friends with these days. I won't tolerate someone that treats me in a disrespectful way, whether that's constantly being late, making put down comments to me, or leaving me to make all the effort in a friendship. In fact, these days there are actually very few people that I can be arsed with. So many people are out for themselves and are just selfish and self absorbed

Yes to all of this!!!!

If it’s just me constantly doing the arranging and I feel that I’m chasing. I don’t mind if it’s swings and roundabouts and it evens out over time but I’ve trimmed my friendship group right down now and got rid of people who were just pains tbh. Maybe I didn’t bring anything to their life either? It works both ways, I’ll not try to deny that.

I've noticed I'm becoming less and less tolerant as I get older. Not sure I like this new me but there it is. I used to feel hurt and let down when friends cancelled last minute or were very late, then when I saw them again all was forgotten. This cycle would repeat itself and it wasn't good of my self-esteem. Now I think 'life's too short'. I've stopped contacting one such friend. I'm happy for her to get in touch with me, though but prefer to see her at mine so that if she cancels/ turns up late I haven't wasted any time.

Similar to pp, being 'interesting' or 'entertaining' is becoming less of a priority for me in friends, but being kind and a good listener has become more so.

I don't mind friends not getting in touch for ages and then picking up where we left off, life is busy for everyone. It's just being unreliable or not taking an interest in my life I'm finding increasingly frustrating in people.

Very similar situation, but my bottom line is totally different.
I have very close friends who have 180 degrees diff views on certain things (religion, politics....)
As long as they respect my views and either we don't discuss these or can have a grown up debate I'm fine. As soon as I feel that they are trying to convert me to their views I walk away.

My friendship values have changed a lot as I've got older. I used to be very drawn to "interesting" people: extroverts and drama queens, particularly people with jobs in the creative arts and people who liked to debate and discuss things and loved a good shouting match at a dinner party. I would let poor behaviour slide if I felt someone was a good talker and the life and soul. I think it probably was something to do with my upbringing: my dad was like this.

Over time I have less and less patience with this: I find social butterflies and professional extroverts very often turn out to be narcissistic, self-obsessed and unable to deal with humdrum, ordinary life without seeking drama for stimulation. Consequently they are often not very good friends because they are apt to run off to find a more interesting option just when you need them and are uncomfortable when not talking about themselves.

I have one very old friend who is a real talker/debater: I used to love shooting the breeze with her because I thought she was interesting. I went out with her the other week and just realised it was just an endless litany of stories about herself with no space for anyone else. It was just exhausting.

I've much patience with this now and I increasingly value less flashy, less outgoing people who can actually be relied upon.