To ask what your bottom-line for friendship is?

[ARealDame]

I have a chronic illness (don't talk about it much, and to a large extent its invisible). But I have decided new (and old) friends who just ignore this completely, are being put in the out tray ...

Its a bit sad. Selfish people are often exciting people (why is that?). But it gets old, and draining. Should I look out for more gentle kind of people?

Whats your bottom-line?

Interesting thread. I know people who don't like people who "bring them down" emotionally. But I don't mind that. I think it strengthens the friendship if you can help someone whilst their down. I think it's a modern thing - to concentrate on positive people. But the trouble is, what do you talk about. I'm fed up to the back teeth of people telling me what lovely weather it is or the beautiful colour they've chosen for their hall. I'd rather know their mother is a nightmare and their dc are playing them up. It's just much more interesting to me. My bottom line is if they treat people badly - whether it be me, my dc or anybody else.

OP, I'm sure there are many gentler types who'd love to be friends with you. Let the "exciting" but selfish ones go their own way!

For me, friendship is about kindness, listening, support, and tolerance of faults. If someone expects perfection they're not for me.

The ability to apologise and accept apologies

I have only one criterium regarding friends: how I feel when I've just left them

I agree Fourwillies, that weird feeling: drained, uncomfortable, used ...

Probably the simplest - and maybe the best litmus test.

the longer standing friends I have are ones that even when our lives have gone in different directions when we do catch up it is as if we saw each other last week.

if i am starting to see that everything is one sided then i will call time, like a lot of others on here i wont put up with being the one who is always put upon. its took a long time to learn that one but im getting there

I had to give up alcohol due to taking long-term medication.

That sorted out the decent friends from the fair-weather drinking buddies!

Hmmm the weird drained feeling might have more to do with you than others! This thread is utterly depressing. I actually burst out laughing when some posters said they drop people as soon as they stop being good for x, y and z because there were so many selfish people in the world.

Is it not now generally recognised that our society has lost something over the last 100 years, something to do with the rise of the individual identity and the fall of community cohesion? We criticise societies for being fragmented, isolating places, but perhaps this is at least partially our own fault. It hasn't always been standard practice to maintain a small group of desirable contacts while dropping others who were less entertaining or tiresome in some other way. Such behaviour would be considered morally wrong in many cultures, yet some posters here seem to see something laudable about culling their friendship list of people who are not 'true friends' or who have simply become rather dull.

By the way, I don't understand how you can all be amazing friends who would never fail to help someone in need while also editing, dropping, leaving, fading and generally walking away. It makes no sense. How is the friend supposed to magically latch onto the knowledge that last week you provided a willing shoulder to cry on but have since decided that any more of that carry-on would be gratuitous and selfish? They may not have the self-awareness or maturity than you have to know this.

The world is full, of hurting, broken people who need friends and who are unlikely to be able to make any in a world were fun, thriving people will only tolerate individuals as high-functioning as themselves. I don't think community is quite so optional. Perish the thought that some of these self-confessed 'fussy' posters may find themselves sitting in a bedsit one day, achingly lonely, poor, will and robbed of self-esteem, hoping against hope that someone will offer them the hand of friendship.

There are so many threads on mumsnet expressing the pain of rejection in friendship. Perhaps this is why.

Anyone who uses me, anyone who speaks about me behind my back. Anyone who lies to me, or borrows money from me and never offers to pay it back. Other than that, I just have to like them!

Fabergeegg I knew there would be someone who misunderstood what I meant as I didn't put it very well. All I can do is use an example.
Saw friend A last week - she rang in a state, please can I meet her in town, it's all gone wrong with her DP etc. I was there that evening, and listened to a whole sad litany. It wasn't a happy evening but I came away thinking "life is so unfair, she is so lovely and deserves happiness." I was pleased to see her, she is my friend and I love her. Even though the evening was sad she wasn't toxic or draining in any way.

Friend B came over for drinks on Saturday. She is very witty and funny, we have a lot in common and she lives locally. But despite plenty of laughs and bright conversation there was an edge I felt, which I know makes her an acquaintance not a friend, and although I'll see her socially, I won't be taking our friendship any further.

Does that make better sense?

I am very forgiving but those that expect too much from me and I do not or can not give them what they want will drift away and probably do the same again with their new friends i

Sometimes my friends drain me, sometimes I drain them but many times we laugh together and help each other out. I have one friend who has always been totally self absorbed it is just the way she is but when I had no where to stay with a 1 year old she was there and always thinks of ds and she makes me laugh like no other friend

I could never lose a friendship over forgetting birthdays or someone not calling when I needed them too there have their life and at times I am not a perfect friend but other times I am and they are too

I don't really have a bottom line. I'm not so overwhelmed with friends I can afford to ditch some. I'd be happy to go for a beer with most of the school mums and/or most of my work colleagues if they asked on a night I was free.
If I was going to be fussy, I guess I find people who winge a lot a bit wearing.

I have never deliberately ditched a friend for falling short in some way. What does seem to happen is that I retain one good friend from every five years or so of life. It's a ratio I am pretty happy with, actually. The others are not rejected, it's just that they were warm colleagues but we never grew close.

Real - do they seem to ignore it in order to just treat you normally? Are they trying not to make your illness in to an issue?

My bottom line is moaning minnies - those folk who moan about everything and play the vicitim, even don to asking "How ya doin'?" and them replying "Oh, you know. Surviving." - FFS - just say I'm fine thanks!

Doodlez, there is a mum at my DC's school who, when asked how she is always says 'Oh, don't ask!' and then launches into a big spiele about her latest ailment/problem. It's getting quite entertaining listening to the latest instalment each week

Flakiness is my pet hate, I have to bin anyone who is repeatedly flaky

I don't have enough hours in the day to waste on people that continually let me down at the last minute

And I can't bear over dramatic drama queens. Sorry but NO!

Lukewarm - that's the very type I mean! Entertaining right up to the point they adopt YOU as their new life-long buddy. Then you have to ditch them. They're like the Dementors in Harry Potter - they suck the joy out of life!

Spot on, fabergeegg

Bumblequeen: "When being around them makes you feel bad or question yourself"

This.

Hester raises an interesting point. I have a small handful of friends I have known for 20 years plus and I will tolerate - up to a point - shit from them which I won't from newer friends.

The bond of a lifetime's shared experience is very strong and sometimes with people who you have been through that much with the memories and nostalgia can blind you to who they are. It sometimes becomes almost irrelevant whether you actually like them or not.

As I now have such limited time in my life (due to motherhood and full time work) I have less tolerance for the downsides of friendship (flakiness/self obsession/bitchiness) and tend to be pretty intolerant of this when I meet potential new friends. Yet I accept this to a degree in older ones.

It's one of life's weird ironies that although you need friends more the older you get, you tend to erect more barriers to finding them. At least that's my experience.

Everyone has there own issues, and the people whos issues overcome yours, no matter what, are the people not worth bothering with!!

I only have friends whom I look forward to seeing. I'm not great with 'why didn't you call me' people because I used to work away a lot and found that filtered a few people off. But apart from that, nah. I'm just happy the world is full of such diverse people who want to be friends with me.

Surely we all have our imperfections? Or is everyone here never in the slightest bit self-absorbed, unhelpful, sad, late, unhealthy or less-than-uber-positive?

Some people's criteria are like friendships for Stepford Wives. You must be fun, healthy, have no inconvenient "draining" problems, cook well, dress well, be interesting, a great conversationalist without getting deeply into anything that actually matters, on time, find it really easy to change things you're not happy about, have a tidy house, blah blah blah. Otherwise you'll be dropped. Is that really what friendship is?

" You must be fun, healthy, have no inconvenient "draining" problems, cook well, dress well, be interesting, a great conversationalist without getting deeply into anything that actually matters, on time, find it really easy to change things you're not happy about, have a tidy house, blah blah blah. Otherwise you'll be dropped. Is that really what friendship is?"

I don't think anyone has said that. But if they did, so what, it's their choice to be with the people that suit them.