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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in hating other people making comments on my parenting?

112 replies

hoochycoo · 29/07/2013 07:07

this makes my blood boil. People should mind their own surely?

ie :

Random women on the bus, "ooooooooh be careful, he'll fall, he's not safe " when DS, who is four, is sitting on a bus seat rather than in a buggy.

I responded "he's fine thank you and I'm his mum thanks, i'm perfectly capable of looking after him"

Random woman in street, "that baby's in the sun, she'll burn", when DD, who is one, is sitting in her buggy in full sunshine with suncream on a short five minute journey into a shadey place.

I responded "she's fine thank you and I'm her mum thanks, i'm perfectly capable of looking after her"

Had someone else tell me off for letting my baby hold a glowstick as she would "bite it and get in in her mouth" .

I responded "she's fine thank you and I'm her mum thanks, i'm perfectly capable of looking after her"

i've even had people pick up my crawling baby and hold her protectively when she's crawling about as she " might pick some up off the floor and choke on it"

etc

AIBU in letting this really get on my nerves?

OP posts:
paperclips · 29/07/2013 09:26

You say "people should mind their own".

Put aside for a minute the fact that you don't think your baby was in any danger. Some well meaning people thought, rightly or wrongly, that your baby was in some danger/risk in those situations.

Do you think people should "mind their own" if a child is in a risky situation, just in case they offend the mum?

ll31 · 29/07/2013 09:31

Tbh your response to the unwanted advice just lets yhem know they got to you!! Also,don't let your irritation stop you from considering whether they have a point!

Cherriesarelovely · 29/07/2013 09:33

One was when her Ds was a small baby being left in a tent on the other side of a camp site while she spent the evening in her friend's caravan on the other side (not within sight). Another was leaving him in an unlocked car (aged 2) in a carpark while she browsed in a shop. He got out of the car and was found wandering around the carpark....and so on.

jessjessjess · 29/07/2013 09:36

YANBU in minding but chill out and be glad people care.

My mum neglected me. Nobody noticed. So while I sympathise with good mums who are irritated by busybodies, I think it's fine for people to express concern.

Lollypop1983 · 29/07/2013 09:49

I understand where ur coming from, I've had some comments, they are irritating.

A lady came up to LO in pram while he was having a wee whinge...not crying, not loud, having a whinge cos he was in the pram and he wanted out....was in a shop and was steering pram with one hand, basket in other. Anyway, she spoke to LO as if I wasn't there, telling him I was a bad mummy for not feeding him! [Angry]That annoyed me!

People think they r being helpful, I just smile and nod Smile

thebody · 29/07/2013 09:49

if its your pfb then agree its a bit annoying as you deep down lack confidence, or you would be strange if you didn't as every stage is new.

if/when you have other children it really is water off a ducks back.

chill, you don't need to always point out you are competent. people arnt listening anyway just passing away the day with daft comments.

mumeeee · 29/07/2013 10:51

YANBU at some of the comments but YBU about the glow stick. Also the Sun is strong between about 11 and 3 and the advice is to cover up and put scream on. DD2 is 23 and she recently got very sunburned by just being out for an hour at 11am. She''s an adult so it would be worse for a young child.

Original poster
hoochycoo · 29/07/2013 10:57

Cherries, I'd be the same. That sounds neglectful and stupid .

Thanks for all the advice and support, I'll try and not care anymore. Always best to I guess.

Baby makes my eyes go sleepy, I was trying to illustrate that opinions on childcare are subjective , I wouldn't tell someone to take their baby out the buggy and let them play, even tho I disagree with it. Sometimes worrying so much about imagined physical harm stops pleasurable experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
hoochycoo · 29/07/2013 11:07

But it's al subjective. Everyone draws thr line differently. That's why I wouldn't be so arrogant as to comment on something.

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 29/07/2013 11:20

It can be annoying, my friend did it to me the other day. Ds3 2.2 sometimes goes out in the garden without suncream for short periods if it's not to hot, usually early morning. My mil thinks it's awful.

Original poster
hoochycoo · 29/07/2013 11:27

But it's all subjective. Everyone draws thr line differently. That's why I wouldn't be so arrogant as to comment on something somebody's doing with their children unless it's definately neglectful or abusive. Even then I guess that's subjective, that's why you get children being neglected that no one reports because they are minding their own.

Hmmm confused myself. There's an argument and discussion here about boundaries, attitudes to risk etc

OP posts:
BeCool · 29/07/2013 11:30

the thing is hoochy you can't control what these other people say.

And I'm sure 95% of the time they aren't saying these things to be rude to you or upset you. people just say stuff.

What you can control is how you respond and how many of these often throwaway comments, you take on board.

BeCool · 29/07/2013 11:33

Some people are hysterical about sunscreen - and also misguided. Overuse of sunscreen can cause problems in itself for children.

The issue is being safe in the sun - sunscreen is not the only answer to the problem. There is clothing, use of share, hats, time of the day you go into the sun etc. Some sun exposure is essential for good health and development.

Original poster
hoochycoo · 29/07/2013 11:40

I know be cool, I agree, but for some reason I just get so wound up by these comments.

Totally agree with you about sunscreen. I have a friend who is constantly applying sunscreen, and also gives then vitamin d drops because they don't get enough sun. I think it's crazy. But I wouldn't tell her. It's her business where she draws the line.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 29/07/2013 11:42

Don't rely on shade. You'd be amazed how much UV is in shade.

In any case, of course people risk assess differently. That doesn't mean they are wrong and you are right or vice versa. It means they are different.

All you can control is your reaction.

FrankelInFoal · 29/07/2013 12:02

My friend's 10 month old currently has eczema on his legs which has got infected and looks a bit like Chicken Pox. She's had countless twits commenting on her bringing him out in public and one very rude woman standing next to my friend at road crossing said very loudly to her companion (not to my friend) "How irresponsible bringing an infectious child out in public." How my friend managed to smile sweetly and calmly say "It's eczema" I have no idea.

Some people just like to pass comment on other people's children/parenting.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 29/07/2013 12:06

Frankle that reminds me, I had the same thing with ds1 when he was little and had eczema

cory · 29/07/2013 12:25

Not sure if I do think people should mind their own.

What if you happen to know (either from experience of own children or because you work in A&E) that a certain activity/object can cause bad injuries? I always wanted to say something to mums who let their toddlers walk around with lollipop sticks in their mouth because a friend of my mum's was a doctor and had terrifying tales to tell about injuries to the roof of the mouth: apparently it is very, very common.

Should I be angry with the man who came up to my SIL one day and told her that ds' cough was a typical asthma cough. My mother's instinct told me it was an ordinary cough and nothing to fuss about. But he was a doctor...and he was right.

When dd was on the climbing equipment I was close at hand- presumably she should have been safe because my mother's instinct had decided she was. But if someone had said "are you sure she can really handle it, she doesn't seem to be holding on as strongly as the other children" she would not have ended up unconscious in A&E. Would I have been offended? Possibly. Would it have mattered if I was offended? No.

It's not all subjective if there is an accident or if the child does have asthma.

Jan49 · 29/07/2013 12:32

People will comment. If they can't find anything to disagree with about your parenting, they will tell you your child's hair is too curly or they surely ought to be at school/in bed/somewhere else. When my ds was little, I got told his curly hair was wasted on a boy as it was only good for girls, and he was big so people expected him to talk more, or be at school at age 2.Hmm Or they'll ask you your child's age and make small talk.

I'd just smile or say "he's fine". No need to be so defensive. Being his mother doesn't make you knower of all things.Smile

zatyaballerina · 29/07/2013 12:35

yanbu but you sound too polite. There is no reason to thank someone who pokes their unwanted nose in your business. Respond to such rudeness with rudeness; 'fuck off', 'you have no idea what your talking about, now piss off', 'don't you dare lay a finger on my child'.

Don't ever politely indulge someone who is rude to you, who patronises you or who insinuates that you are a neglectful parent, it only encourages them, tell them where to stick it. They're the ones being obnoxious and should be treated as such.

gingermop · 29/07/2013 12:37

yanbu for most of it, but agree with everyone els, my ds wen 7 chewed end of a glowstick and got it all in his eyes, resulted in a trip to a&e.

GoshAnneGorilla · 29/07/2013 13:02

Zatya - you sound charming.

I think concern for children is far from rude, there are plenty of children out there who sadly need it.

cory · 29/07/2013 13:07

zatyaballerina Mon 29-Jul-13 12:35:10
"yanbu but you sound too polite. There is no reason to thank someone who pokes their unwanted nose in your business. Respond to such rudeness with rudeness; 'fuck off', 'you have no idea what your talking about, now piss off', 'don't you dare lay a finger on my child'.

Don't ever politely indulge someone who is rude to you, who patronises you or who insinuates that you are a neglectful parent, it only encourages them, tell them where to stick it. They're the ones being obnoxious and should be treated as such."

Ah, this attitude explains the glare I got from a local mother when I had put out my hand to stop her toddler from running straight into the oncoming traffic. I had clearly patronised her and poked my unwanted nose into her business and insinuated that she was a neglectful parent.
Her toddler will, however, live to grow up. Hmm

There have been cases where children with meningitis have been got to hospital and saved in the nick of time because a passing stranger has recognised the symptoms and poked their unwanted nose in. Highly obnoxious of them.

zatyaballerina · 29/07/2013 13:37

You can't compare stopping a child from running into the road or warning a parent of medical symptoms with the examples that the op has given.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2013 13:43

I'm sure you would rather have a danger or potential danger pointed out than your child come to any harm. I know I would. So in this case YABU I'm afraid.