Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DD she can't visit this friend again

289 replies

missimperfect · 28/07/2013 21:47

DD has just finished year 7 and just turned 12. I am finding it a bit of a shock getting used to being "out of the loop" when I was quite involved at primary school and knew the other parents etc. So maybe I just don't know the etiquette here and am being unreasonable but...

DD asked if she could visit a friend today - arranged by text. I have never met this friend. So I took her over to the house expecting to see the mum (or dad) when I dropped her off. This is what I would usually do. Quite often the parent will even say "come in" etc when we first meet.

But today we turn up, the girl answers the door and clearly just expects DD to go in and me to leave. No sign of a parent. I hang around for a moment and ask a couple of friendly questions hoping that a parent might come to the door if they hear us chatting, but no.

Now I know I will get slated for this but I am not comfortable - the hallway is dark, dirty and reeks of smoke. No other rooms are visible as there is only stairs and a closed door through to the rest of the house. Empty beer bottles piled in a box by the door.

But I decide to risk it - tell DD to call if any problems, say I will be back in a couple of hours to collect her. When I return to collect - again no sign of any parent. I ask DD how it went etc, seems fairly harmless although they mostly just sat around. She saw the dad once briefly in the kitchen. No one else.

So should I not let her visit again? I just don't feel comfortable about it but am I just being a bit precious?

OP posts:
BellaVita · 29/07/2013 18:34

Shock at all you pearl clutchers.

prettybird · 29/07/2013 18:37

I agree cory and motherinferior

I love watching ds become a confident young man.

He's a cyclist and it's interesting that one of the things British Cycling emphasises from at least age 12 is self-sufficiency. Yes, as parents, until they are 16, we have to sign their consent forms, but once signed, we are expected to drop the kids eg at the velodrome or at the cycle track and leave them to it Wink

motherinferior · 29/07/2013 18:40

Well, it's not as if I'm going to stop it, is it Grin. So I might as well chill and enjoy it.

Spartacus101 · 29/07/2013 18:42

MotherI - oh Sad thing is, when my dad realised she (dd) was in the bath and i wasn't in the room (he'd phoned) he went ballistic, so maybe it runs in families??

I've never let her go to the shops on her own or anything but neither do her friend's parents. She's still at the age when she wants to hold my hand when we go out, 12 seems a long way away Grin

chickensaladagain · 29/07/2013 18:45

I have a 12 year old under my roof

Her mother and I have exchanged 1 text message

Lovely girl, very polite Smile

thebody · 29/07/2013 18:57

'at 12 they still need parenting' yes totally agree and teaching those first steps to independence, self reliance and commen sense IS a vital part if parenting.

it's far easier to police their every move and hover over them until they are 18, but that's not good parenting.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 29/07/2013 18:58

I still don't know what you are going to learn from a quick hello on the doorstep, except that there is a parent in!

Surely at 12 they go out and meet friends, how do you know who's house they might be going to then?

TeenAndTween · 29/07/2013 19:07

YANBU.

If my young teen is going over to a house for the day and I was dropping off I would wish to know whether there was a parent present, and I would expect that for the first visit the host parent would as a matter of politeness at least come to the door to meet me.

So, I wouldn't necessarily stop DD going over, but I would be concerned over supervision etc and would be more wary until I had a chance to meet the friend properly, and a parent.

thebody · 29/07/2013 19:08

my ds is home from uni and works at the local gastro pub. he has since he was 16 and now 12. he does the fists and is frankly amazed at the amount if sick time/ lateness amongst the teen helpers.

to cap it all last sat one if the 17 year olds MOTHER rang to day her son was too tired to do the shift as it was too hot!!!!

my son had done a 9am till 12 midnight shift the day before and the kitchen temp was 35'c..

my son told her he was in or sacked and she went ballistic.

think someone needed a bit less mummying and a bit more kick up arse at a younger age!!!!

thebody · 29/07/2013 19:08

sorry now 21... not 12..

wickeddevil · 29/07/2013 19:11

Oh oh we often have full bottles on the doorstep. It's handy when we run out of fridge space.

Our hall is darkish too.

I work from home, and if I am busy, I don't come to the door.

Forgive me. I am clearly a terrible parent. Perhaps I should send my DC to your house to save you worrying?

orderinformation · 29/07/2013 19:15

But you can tell a lot from saying hello to a parent. Do they smell of weed? Do they make eye contact? Do they smile? Do you get a shuddery feeling? You know that thing everyone tells you when you have a baby about trusting your instinct - same goes for having older kids. Would I trust a 12 to judgement on friends - not a chance. I mean they can be friends with who they want, but in terms of knowing that somewhere is safe or what to do if a situation turns unsafe - no way.

cory · 29/07/2013 19:15

"So, I wouldn't necessarily stop DD going over, but I would be concerned over supervision etc and would be more wary until I had a chance to meet the friend properly, and a parent."

How much supervision does your young teen need? What does she get up to when unsupervised?

JackieTheFart · 29/07/2013 19:20

YAB totally over cautious. She might only just be 12, but she will be second year seniors in 6 weeks. I can't believe you took her to the door. I don't think my mum ever met any of the parents of my friends from secondary. Maybe at parents evening.

thebody · 29/07/2013 19:23

in my opinion you can tell nothing from just saying hello!

most child abusers are outwardly nice and thankfully few and far between.

cory · 29/07/2013 19:23

"I mean they can be friends with who they want, but in terms of knowing that somewhere is safe or what to do if a situation turns unsafe - no way."

Depends on the 12yo, no doubt. I have usually found ds' and dd's judgments very sensible. They talk to us, they talk to their peers, they are imo fairly clued up about the kind of dodgy situation that could happen.

cory · 29/07/2013 19:24

And as thebody points out, the really dangerous people are usually very good at hiding who they are.

FrauMoose · 29/07/2013 19:27

I've left my daughter in situations where I've felt mildly unsure - with the caveat that she is meant to be home, keep in touch.

A good mate's Mum sometimes drinks a fair bit of a Friday night. So one time she fell asleep on her sofa in the evening when my daughter was 11. And then nobody could find my daughter who was harmlessly making a snowman with another girl in the back garden.

Another time my daughter had a sleepover at the same house - and Spouse and I found out that her Mum was not there. It was just the two girls. But as my daughter said, it was nice for her friend to have company.

But my daughter and this girl are good mates. The parents are both kind decent people. (The Dad lives round the corner.) And my daughter has learned a lot about independence through this friendship.

They do learn a great deal from their friends, and from doing new stuff on their own.

TeenAndTween · 29/07/2013 19:29

To answer cory :

Things I might be concerned about at a house with insufficient supervision

  • watching unsuitable films (ie a 15 rating for my 12/13 year old)
  • free for all internet access (eg with no parental controls in place)
  • older siblings and their friends doing who knows what
  • friend having generally very different boundaries to my teen

But then, I know I am a more cautious parent than many. This is partly due to my nature, partly due to how my daughter is (not good at problem solving / thinking on her feet), and partly because I have learned that things I think are obvious nos (eg letting just 8yr olds watch a 12 rated film) apparently are not to other parents.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 19:37

I find the amount of over protectiveness scary for the future of the child- you do need to start letting go as a gradual process. Someone said they had 6 whole years to do it- they will go in a flash! You really will isolate your child if you treat them like an 8 yr old or even a ten year old. There is a huge difference between one entering secondary school and one who is finishing year 7. I have a DS who has an August birthday and I always had to treat him on par with those in the school year who were much older.
As long as they have a mobile phone they can be in touch. If you have done the ground work earlier you can trust their judgement. Mine have always picked friends they are comfortable with.

thebody · 29/07/2013 19:39

we watch 15 ratings with our 13 year old.

depends in the film really. Eastenders and corrie are far worse in my opinion than a good old thriller.

unless you parent in an Armish commune Tween you will never be able to let go will you with that list as its impossible to satisfy all your criteria.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 19:39

And meeting the parent is going to mean that you are safe from any of that, TeenandTween? Hmm

cory · 29/07/2013 19:40

TeenAndTween Mon 29-Jul-13 19:29:33
To answer cory :

"Things I might be concerned about at a house with insufficient supervision

  • watching unsuitable films (ie a 15 rating for my 12/13 year old)
  • free for all internet access (eg with no parental controls in place)
  • older siblings and their friends doing who knows what
  • friend having generally very different boundaries to my teen"

Is your teen totally passive? Can't she take responsibility for sticking to rules you have both agreed?

I appreciate that sometimes teens will disobey and do things they know they shouldn't. But if it is nothing more dangerous than watching a 15 film when you are 12 and getting frightened or upset, then I think the learning experience of knowing that you are responsible for your actions is well worth it.

crunchbag · 29/07/2013 19:42

So to those who want to meet the parents first, what do you do if they don't meet your standards? Grab your child and take them home? Allow them one visit and then make up some excuse why you don't want them to go there again?
And how will your child react to you not trusting their judgement?

exoticfruits · 29/07/2013 19:42

U less you go to the house with them and stay the entire time I don't see how you can police it.
I wouldn't expect my DS to invite a friend around and be quizzed on my doorstep about Internet access, what his brother who was 8 years older was doing etc- I should be most offended and tell them I was a responsible parent- end of.

Swipe left for the next trending thread