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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect my sister to put herself out for ONE night?

414 replies

HDEE · 28/07/2013 19:09

Typing on phone so excuse any errors

I am so angry with my sister. I am currently in a hospital 1.5 hours from home. I have been here for three weeks now as my waters broke early at 21/22 weeks and this was the nearest hospital with a suitable NICU cot.

Baby was born on Friday. He is incredibly sick. His first two nights I was called to NICU in the night as they didn't expect him to survive. Last night he suffered major bleeds to both sides of his brain. We have been told he is critical and any worsening of the bleed (very likely) will mean discussing withdrawing intensive care.

I asked my sister if she could please stay overnight at my house (she has been there through the day looking after my three year old twins and six year old) but decided shed rather go home.

This means that should I need to get my husband here, the plan now is that I phone him, he gets our children out of bed and ready to go, loads them into the car, regardless of time, then drives the 50 minutes to her house, unloads them where they have nowhere to sleep, then drives the hour journey to me.

This is fucking ridiculous. Apparently she was saying 'but I have no clean clothes to wear'. Well boo fucking hoo. I'm waiting for my two day old baby to take a turn for the worse and die at any time, and she doesn't want to be a little uncomfortable?

I am never, ever speaking to her again. Especially if my husband can't get here and I have to do all this alone.

FTR she doesn't drive. My dad lives 5 minutes from her so this morning when I needed my husband here it took him 2.5 hours from my phone call to arrival by the time they got to him, and he got here.

I suspect a large part of it is that her partner is making a fuss being left with their three children. But he doesn't work, and I need her help more :(

OP posts:
thebody · 30/07/2013 00:02

very concerned op. xxxx

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 30/07/2013 00:34

Congratulations on the birth of your son, OP. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Do you want to tell us about him at all? His name, or how gorgeous he is? Please don't feel that you have to if you don't want to though.

YANBU at all to be angry with your sister. You badly need her, she should be there for you.

On the off chance that you are anywhere near Dublin, I would be happy to help you in any way I can. You and your son will be in my thoughts. Best of luck.

Angloamerican · 30/07/2013 03:13

I have been thinking of you since you posted, and I am praying for you and your son.

I don't have the words for how despicable I find your sister's behaviour to be. I hope you have other people who can be a support to you. God bless.

Original poster
HDEE · 30/07/2013 03:42

I'm sorry I disappeared, Internet access is patchy at best at the hospital, and overnight seems to disappear completely.

We have sorted overnights now. A neighbour is going come in at night in an emergency and sit with the children until my dad and sister arrive. My fury and upset has passed, I still don't understand her, but really don't have the energy to waste dwelling on it now.

Unfortunately, a repeat head scan yesterday shows the bleeding has spread. It is now grade IV on both sides of the brain, with bleeding affecting the actual brain matter.

The first dr was very negative. She told us brain damage would be extensive, he will need life-long care, possibly have epilepsy, never learn to sit, or walk or talk...

The second dr agreed that it is a grade IV, serious bleed, but made it sound like we may have hope if we just keep an eye on the scans over the coming days.

We thought that once such extensive bleeds had been diagnosed, it would be our choice as to whether intensive care continues, but that isn't the case. While he is stable, which he is at the moment, his care won't change. Only if his condition worsens, will the drs discuss not increasing his support.

I am home for the night. My two older children (10 & 12) have been away camping so didnt even know their brother had born until yesterday. I wanted to come home and be the one to tell them that George probably will die. The older ones will be coming to meet their brother today. I want him to be real to them, not just a baby in some pictures. I want baby to know that everyone loves him, and we've all talked about him for weeks, and he's as much a part of our family as any of our children.

It's so hard because he looks amazing. His tummy was less swollen, his arms and legs weren't swollen yesterday, his oxygen needs had decreased. His little arms and legs wave all over, and he grasps hold of the ventilator tubing. He had his fingers by his mouth yesterday and was making sucking movements. My heart keeps telling me that if he is still doing all those baby things, how can he be so badly broken? I don't want him to suffer, or have a life of pain. I don't want this to drag on for weeks or months or years and he dies anyway.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages of support. As of morning I will be back at the hospital and will be there with baby til the end, whenever he chooses that may be. I wish you could all see him. He is so beautiful and has put up such a brave fight.

OP posts:
DaleyBump · 30/07/2013 03:46

Oh HDEE. My heart absolutely goes out to you and your little boy. I have no words, only that hopefully his scans improve and he pulls though. He sounds like a wee fighter. Huge unmn hugs and Flowers, you'll be in my thoughts. Xx

SquinkiesRule · 30/07/2013 03:52

HDEE Thinking of you and your family. and praying for the best. ((hugs))

EatYourCrusts · 30/07/2013 04:02

Thinking of you and your family.

garlicagain · 30/07/2013 04:11

My thoughts and good wishes, too. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Flowers

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 30/07/2013 04:20

Oh, HDEE, you and your little George will be in my thoughts. He sounds like a gorgeous, brave little boy. This must be so very difficult for you. I don't know what else to say, except that we will always be here for you, on MN.

You say that you want him to be real to your other children. He will always, always be real to them. And to you. Your baby George will know that you all love him dearly.

When you are ready to post on here, there will be so much support waiting for you.

GingerBlondecat · 30/07/2013 05:10

I want to offer you hope, friends child had similar, and apart from some language delays, he's come good. And the speach is teachable and correctable.

More ((((((((((((((((Soft Hugs)))))))))))))))

VegasIsBest · 30/07/2013 05:25

Thinking of you, George and your family. Hope things go as well as possible for you all.

Plomino · 30/07/2013 05:25

Oh HDEE . Sending ALL of my positive wishes to you and your lovely family right now . I cannot begin to imagine how very very tired you must be .

shadows says it all . Whatever you need , whenever you need it , we're here .

PistachioTruffle · 30/07/2013 05:36

Thinking of you all HDEEl Flowers

highlandbird · 30/07/2013 05:47

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but my thoughts are with you and your family, and of course, with George, stay strong little man.
Xxx

LittleEsme · 30/07/2013 05:48

I'm praying for George, HDEE.

Sending you all strength.

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 30/07/2013 05:52

Thinking of you, your family and little George Thanks

prissyenglisharriviste · 30/07/2013 06:04

Congratulations on the birth of your son, HDEE.

Dd2 wasn't expected to survive, and later we were told she wouldn't walk or talk.

She is a strapping 9yo now. She still has cerebral palsy, but skis, swims, is determined to compete in the Paralympics, and has an iq of 142 (higher than her paediatrician lol). She intends to be a lawyer (with publishing fiction on the side ;-) - she sent her first manuscript to the publishers last month.)

No one knows what the years have in store for you and your son, but I wish you the very best of luck xx (and come and join us on the cp threads as he gets stronger xx)

Don't fret about your sister, honestly. I had toddlers at home, and went home myself quite early - combining childcare, SCBU, and a dh working ft is a nightmare. We lived in Glasgow with all of our family in the south of England. You'll probably find out that your dh told her to go home as he could cope, or it was all a huge misunderstanding. No point in dwelling on it anyway.

Sending you and your wee man health and strength.

Gullygirl · 30/07/2013 06:09

HDEE, I just wanted to say that you and little George have been in my thoughts.
Sending you all my very best wishes.

Longtalljosie · 30/07/2013 06:18

Thinking of you HDEE

I just wondered if sitters.co.uk might be a good idea? We're members as we have no family nearby - they can find you CRB-checked babysitters (mostly nursery nurses, childminders and nurses) with very little notice. I know you've got your neighbour now but I imagine you won't want to call on her the way you'd call on family (sorry about your sister not stepping up Sad)

SlouchingPanda · 30/07/2013 06:27

Congratulations on the birth of your son, and sorry to hear about the difficulties with your sister.

Forgive me if this has already been mentioned as I haven't read all 11 pages, but one of the ladies from our 'Due in July' thread gave birth to a very premature baby boy just over 100 days ago. Her story is here. I thought it might help to read about someone going through similar, but feel free to ignore me if it wouldn't.

Thinking of you and your son.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/07/2013 06:34

Just read this, so sorry about your darling baby being so sick, you and DH have been through hell, but little George, he sounds like a fighter, sending you all love and prayers.

As for your sister! It's all been said but how very hurtful, I can't understand people sometimes.

skinoncustard · 30/07/2013 06:53

Keep fighting wee man . Love to your family. Xxx

melmo26 · 30/07/2013 07:13

HDEE little George sounds like a big fighter. He made it through the night even though the docs said he wouldn't. He may keep fighting. His brother's and sisters will love him already, and more so now that he is poorly.
Our dd4 was in nicu sedated with swelling on the brain caused by a stroke. She fought her battle and pulled through. She is now 4 months, a bit slow in development but getting there.her sisters are so sweet with her.
Stay strong and positive. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

diddl · 30/07/2013 07:28

Thinking of you all.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 30/07/2013 07:33

He sounds lovely, thinking of you and your family x