To get cheesed off with people telling me I should 'get a little job'?

[LukewarmBath]

My youngest child is due to start school in September. I am getting very fed up with people telling me (totally unasked for advice btw) that I need to 'get a little job'. One of the mums at school, who is a total busybody and doesn't know me very well at all, even printed off details about a lunchtime supervisor job that is going at the DC's school because she 'thought I'd like to get a little job as mini Lukewarm is going to school soon'. People constantly ask me if I'm going to get a job. Even family do it.

The fact is, I don't really need to work financially. DH has his own company and I do a lot of his admin work for him as well as lots of cold calling and dealing with invoices. But because it's from home, no one seems to think it's a proper job. I go to the gym, meet up with friends regularly and go on lots of nights out, so it's not like I need the 'adult interaction' from a job either.

I just wish people would mind their own business!

I resent the implication that I need to "man up". Not least because I am female!

Next week I am working Mon 8-6, Tues 8-6, Weds 8-8 (24h), Thurs 8-6, Fri 8-8 (24h), Sat off (but sleeping after Fri), Sun 8-8(24h), then back to Mon 8am start. Which nanny is going to cover those sorts of hours? I would need a live-in housekeeper - or a wife. Or in my case, a husband.

I also really resent the "I'd go mad at home all day but that's just me" types who imply that by being content at home my husband is less intelligent / needs less "brain stimulation".

What else was I angry about? Oh, he's financially dependent on me. Right, so I'm going to have an affair with a colleague and leave him high & dry? Rubbish. I don't think that would even occur to him to worry about. If I were to die at work or anywhere else he'd be rolling in it.

What works for some families works for them. Why does everyone have to belittle the choices of others to make them feel good about their own choices? Work, don't work. SAHP, WOHP, have a nanny / cook / housekeeper / cleaner or not, spend every spare minute as a family biking / swimming / running or sat together playing games or whatever.

As for "I wouldn't marry a man that couldn't provide for his family" - what bollocks. DH could provide for us, it's just that I can provide more. But only with his support and backup 24/7 at home. I married the man I loved, ability to provide didn't come into it.

I don't think anyone means harm.

I have 3 DDs. 1 goes to a school on school transport. Another goes to a primary school, which I take her to. The third comes with me for the school runs.

One of the TAs at DD2's school sees me come with DD2 & DD3 each day. She assumed (fairly) that I have 2 children.

So, when she heard that DD3 is going to start school in September, she said to me 'Oooh what are you going to do with yourself all day? You'll need to get a little job.'

When I explained that:

-DD1 has SN
-I am her carer
-I am a Governor at her school
-I volunteer at her school
-I am joining the Independent Admissions Appeals Service
-I am volunteering at DD2's school

etc., etc., she apologised for her assumption.

Now, she often says to me 'there's no way you could get a job...you're far too busy.'

It's not a slight, it's just an assumption based on the context people see you in.

I guess my problem is that i would HATE to rely on anyone else for money. I was raised to be independent, and I wish to stay this way. I also think it's good to pass this belief on to my dc.

InMyShreddies Sewing pins if you are still interested, as people generally had to make their own clothes .

starfish, it became self justificaton because words like 'vapid' were used to describe sah!

I suppose the HV comment is just a difference in perception really. Working outside the home can be rewarding both financially, but more importantly intellectually, if you enjoy your job. Maybe the HV was communicating that.

Maybe she doesn't know that the OP doesn't need to work financially, she probably doesn't know that the OP does the admin stuff for the family business - lots of people do need to work so maybe that's her perception of the situation.

From a personal perspective, I'd be quite happy for a while fiddling around, doing my hobbies etc but it wouldn't be satisfying for the next 30 years, and wouldn't be something that I could look back on at 70 or 80 and think "I did that" and be really proud of it. I'd be compelled to do more whether that was work, or volunteering or whatever.

I think to be able to choose to stay at home is a choice available to some but impossible for others.

I am a single parent have been for a decade ,not now but in the past honestly I would have been jealous that that option was available to some and not to me whilst I worked and went to uni with 2 under twos.

I would have loved the option to take some time out of it all and be home with my kids .So yes ,years ago I would have thought this about a little job,because I was so knackered and would have loved to have someone look after me for a bit.

So not pretty but truthful.

I've come full circle on this. At the moment I'm channelling Caitlin Moran. Despite "How to be a Woman' falling a short as the new voice of feminism, she did make a couple of salient points (I'm paraphrasing, so forgive if I'm not spot on)

1. "We have to ask why women have basically done fuck all for 100,000 years" Yes, I bristled at this too, but she has a point. More than 90% of famous people in the history of the world are men. Why? Because women have confined themselves, or been confined, to the domestic sphere, where they influence very little outside their immediate family. For much of history this has not been a choice. It is now a choice. Forget "Behind every great man..."

1. "The key question to ask oneself is "Are the men doing this?" and if the answer is no, but women are, then it's a feminist issue". So, are men flocking to be SAHD in huge numbers? Are they fuck! Because they realise that being a SAHP has zero status in society, despite what "call me Dave" would like us to believe. Ditto being a volunteer, a carer etc. Men are not doing this shit for free. They are working for money, getting status, getting a pension. Women need to wise up. Society is relying on women's unpaid labour. It's about time that stopped.

Yes, one day in the future, being a SAHP will be a free choice and equal numbers of men and women will do it, but frankly, when 95% of SAHP are women, the argument doesn't stack up.

I work enough hours to shop at Waitrose but not so many as to interfere with my Yoga classes
suits me

DH doesn't rely on me for money. We have a joint a/c and credit card, he has as much access to our money as I have. More, probably, because he sorts out bill paying & mortgage & stuff.

I guess the difference is I no longer view myself as a single independent entity - I am part of the unified entity that is my marriage. I am independently myself within that though.

DH is my company Secretary and I am his.
His chargeout rate is a bit higher than mine, but my days are shorter
We both have national reputations in our different fields
we both take August off

I like my setup

Goodtouch, im very happy thanks. I didnt imply you werent happy simply because you have a different viewpoint but i dont have to result to insults.

Im sure most women believe their husbands will never leave or if they do will still give them their salary, a quick scan of these boards and the net shows that women leave themselves wide open if they rely totally on a man. Having a back up plan is sensible, not because you distrust your partner but because nobody knows what the future holds. My mum died and i saw what a struggle it was after.

Theres lots of other reasons women choose to work. Some dont feel its fair that the burden of earning falls to one person whilst the other gets to stay home not working, some do it because of the love of the job, some for the company, some for the pension etc.

I dont want DS growing up believing that just because he was born male he is expected to go out and work all hours just so his wife doesnt have to. I want him to see that its perfectly possible to have a house and family and both work to share the burden. Then again, im not money obsessed so as long as we can pay our own way im life and stay healthy im perfectly happy.

There seem to be some people missing the point here. The OP is not a SAHP with nothing to do except housework and childcare. She has a job, a job that doesn't take her out of her home but a job all the same. She works from home.

By doing the admin for the family business she is playing a part in the success of that business, just the same as if she worked for somebody else's business. Difference is that she works with her husband to ensure that his business runs smoothly. She isn't a SAHM any more than somebody who goes out to work part time is a SAHM all the time.

She doesn't have to justify herself to anybody, she is making a contribution. Just because she doesn't need the extra money from sources outside of the family doesn't make it any less of a job. If she didn't do it then her DH would have to employ somebody else to do it (assuming he doesn't have time) so they are keeping as much of the profits of the business within the family as they can. It makes good financial sense.

Frankly is she stayed at home being fed grapes and cake by topless man servants she still doesn't have to justify herself to anybody but she isn't doing that. She is working and if other people can't see it, well, it isn't any of their business anyway and they should just stay out of it.

hear hear

Yes Karma, my DH travels about 25-50% of his month - usually at really short notice. He'd love me to work but it just isn't feasible without costing us a lot of money that i cannot earn and all the jobs i get are dead end, have no career progression or satisfaction for me at all.

Both sah and woh have pros and cons. DH loves his job and gets enormous satisfaction from it. I love staying at home and get enormous satisfaction from it. I suppose he could take a different job he hated which was less hours (don't know if he'd get one as far too overqualified and only able to do his one niche thing) and pay and i could go back to work in a call centre, we could send ds to a CM, and run around doing pick ups drop offs, cleaning all weekend etc and all be miserable. So the woh option seems to have a lot more cons than the sah option atm. It's not perfect but enables us to stay married, because i know we wouldn't be if i worked!

I am sure I will get it soon although I am studying so tend to get 'ooh what are you going to do when you finish your degree?'In all honesty all I want to be is here for my 5 DC. I have put their needs first so long (SAHM for 14 yrs since 2nd child) I would find it so hard to miss their school events or pick them up from school etc. So unless something fits in I would not do it unless I had to. Luckily I am happy at home and with DH's hours it is easier for him with me being home. However if something ideal came up or the kids are older I may change my mind, who knows. I know people will judge me (a minority of working mums, mostly family members) but don't give a rats arse anymore. It's my life and I am happy.

I know few people, male or female, who have 'rewarding careers'. They have jobs. Jobs they hate.

^this.

Richman - i agree with what you have said. But this also only really applies to men who are successful with careers etc. What status do other men have in the workplace? Truck drivers, manual factory workers, blue collar workers etc - Very little i would argue.

I studied History of Art, Women's Studies and Fetishism and the ideas of which you speak were hotly debated (Just look at the female impressionists and compare their domestic subject matter to their male counterparts).

My DH is shocked at how little i can earn compared to him. This is why feminism frees men as well as women. So they don't have responsibilities to subsidise their pay for traditional feminine jobs which are deemed 'low'. However i think this a class issue as much as a feminist issue. It only really affects a certain pay bracket.

And no my DH isn't earning a 6 figure salary (not even a 3 figure salary). So we aren't loaded and i don't go to the gym have expensive lunches/tennis lessons etc. I also help his admin as he is a consultant which means he has to go when a job comes in and we cannot bank on a salary or holiday time or anything like that. I would love to have a job as fulfilling as DH finds his but i just don't and wouldn't be able to get one without substantial time and funding (which we often don't have). So therefore i am not willing to work if i don't have to. I don't know anyone apart from DH who would choose to work if they didn't have to .

Sorry Starfish - your post made me laugh out loud. Do you think people love working in low paid admin, factories, fast food restaurants, cleaning? Do you think if they had the choice to do something else they would? What choices do many people have with children and bills, especially in the current climate?

What is really disheartening are the people on this thread who are sneering. Goodtouchbadtouch for one ' I couldn't even get a job in Tesco' . Plenty of people who work in Tesco are good honest hardworking individuals. Obviously not in your mind, as you are implying it is the bottom of the barrel.
They may earn less than you and not own property, but they are not some level of underclass. Some things, like humility, and good manners cannot be purchased, as you have proved. listing about how many properties you own, how much your husband earns, is incredibly vulgar.

Good for her. How much is that setting her back? Time/money/contacts/luck?

Things a lot of people do not have the luxury of having.

I know 3 people who stack in a supermarket at night and look after dc in the day. I person who is a carer at night and looks after dc in the day. About 10 people off the top of my head in my team at the call centre who cry regularly on the way to work, some who have been made redundant from much better more fulfilling jobs and go home to pick up dc and live hand to mouth with no time to spare. Some whose DH's are redundant and searching others whose dh's work away or nights. I know of 2 friends who after 6-8 years in the same crappy admin jobs are still on less than 20k and apply constantly to other jobs and never get interviews (but all they would be are other admin jobs and let's face it if they hate admin it wont be any better). Perhaps their expectations are too high and they should just be grateful they've got jobs. Maybe in this climate people are too scared to risk losing the job they hate. I think a lot of well meaning comments about people sorting themselves out and finding alternatives is just naive 'let them eat cakery'. If the reality was so easy more people would do it.

picking up on something said a while back, how can you class yourself as financially independent when it's your DH putting stuff (property/investments) in your name that has made you so?

Also, I think it's a poor life (and an old-fashioned one) for children to have one SAHP, and one nigh-on absent parent because he's so busy furthering his career. I would think most children would want to see a decent amount of both parents. What would happen if you were ill - presumably your DH would step up and take on the parenting that you have been providing? Given that he's a parent too, of course. Doesn't sound like it.