To get cheesed off with people telling me I should 'get a little job'?

[LukewarmBath]

My youngest child is due to start school in September. I am getting very fed up with people telling me (totally unasked for advice btw) that I need to 'get a little job'. One of the mums at school, who is a total busybody and doesn't know me very well at all, even printed off details about a lunchtime supervisor job that is going at the DC's school because she 'thought I'd like to get a little job as mini Lukewarm is going to school soon'. People constantly ask me if I'm going to get a job. Even family do it.

The fact is, I don't really need to work financially. DH has his own company and I do a lot of his admin work for him as well as lots of cold calling and dealing with invoices. But because it's from home, no one seems to think it's a proper job. I go to the gym, meet up with friends regularly and go on lots of nights out, so it's not like I need the 'adult interaction' from a job either.

I just wish people would mind their own business!

[Mimishimi]

Society sometimes sucks enpanne due to the exertions of others - it's not always onwards and upwards you know. If the OP does the books for her husband's business and admin work and they're happy with that, how does that equate into not accomplishing anything? For all we know she could be a fantastic musician or artist in her spare time. A lot of people work fulltime and never accomplish anything either.

[InMyShreddies]

Enpanne - for the vast majority of people, both now and in the past, the motivation to work has stemmed from necessity. Most people have jobs that make money for people many levels above them. It is a small subsection of society that have a meaningful choice in what they do, and contribute to society and its evolution.

Contributing to society doesn't have to, and never has had to, involve going out to work set hours for someone else and receiving a paycheque for it.

[InMyShreddies]

And I think enpanne that the OP is especially annoyed at people expecting her to do a job for its own sake, one which she has no motivation to do, whereas she is living her life (including some work which she has motivation to do) in a way which she finds fulfilling and purposeful. Surely that's all any of us can want? Sure, the personal is political and it's great when women achieve highly in the workplace, but it's also ok to want to focus on family and home because those things are massively important whether you think of it as contributing to society or not, and to not want to outsource it. Outsourcing stuff to nannies or whatever is great if that's what you want to do, it provides employment to someone else and you both pay taxes contributing to society, but looking after one's own children is valuable and no woman should denigrate it.

[enpanne]

We're not talking about outsourcing to nannies though shreddies, this is about taking a job when there is no need for childcare, because the children are at school. The OP has very much painted her life as that of a WAG (gym, partying, socialising), so unless she cares to correct that perception, I think it's a bit of a stretch to suggest she is doing anything 'purposeful' in the traditional sense.

[LimitedEditionLady]

Dont get your knickers in a twist bertha,i have noticed people do say that,i dont think you need to go to tje extremes of saying its like someone giving you an ovulation test,you dont have to fill in the application the person mightve thoughy they were being nice.its not an overly invasive thing to do if they were being friendly x

[LimitedEditionLady]

I dont think the OP has to prove anything to anyone,the few hours the kids are at school im sure people are busy doing allsorts of things.Im quite looking forward to mine starting school so i can stop squashing all my jobs in in the evening!

[Englishroses]

You already have a job by the sounds of it! I would def want to be on the payroll though, then you have some financial security if your marriage ended (not dating it will of course).

[grumpyoldbat]

If someone can afford to stay at home and wants to then they should. As long as they aren't using their time to commit a crime no one else should care.

[louloutheshamed]

It's a bit of a moot point in the case of the op as she does have a job.

The thing the troubles me in discussions like this though is the whole idea that the wife sacrifices their own chance to have a rewarding career in order that the husband can have his. Why is it automatically assumed that when a
couple has children the wife gives up or goes part time not the dh? Can it really be that this works out best financially every time?? I returned to work ft after ml and my dh went pt. so many times It is implied that I ought to feel torn and conflicted as i am not at home whereas if I was a man I would just be providing for my family.

I have seen for myself with my pils, mil have up a rewarding job at 24, never worked again, while pils career went stratospheric. Yes she enabled him in a lot of ways and has benefitted in terms of lifestyle but now in her 50s she is unfulfilled, has no status and is quite
Unhappy. She has often hinted to me that she is envious of the degree of
Financial independence I enjoy.

[grumpyoldbat]

It's wrong if a woman is forced to give up a career but that is not the same as a woman chosing to give up a career.

Fwiw my DH is avoiding going for promotion for the next 2 years so he can be at home more to support me while I work and study full time (70-80 hrs a week).

[fedupofnamechanging]

vapid? garlic to not be on paid employment? I think you have bought into the political myth that a person is only worthwhile if they are generating taxation for the government.

Everyone is different and many people lead perfectly full and busy, interesting lives without being in paid employment.

As for that nanny add, even nannies want to know when they will get a day off and not have to change their plans each week to accommodate employers schedules. I suspect a nanny looking after my family ( 4 dc) would want more than £400 pw!

[juneau]

Most of the mothers I know who work do so because they HAVE to. I know precisely one who does it purely for the joy/challenge of working and who could afford to stay at home if she wished. Of those who do work, the vast majority would love to not have to or to work just from home doing the hours that fit around their family commitments.

As for it being 'vapid' not to - oh please. You sound nothing but jealous garlic. And just because you don't 'work' doesn't mean that you don't do anything - volunteering, helping out at DC's school, etc.

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

"As for it being 'vapid' not to - oh please. You sound nothing but jealous garlic"

If SAHM said that you career woman probably get all your self worth from your jobs because you don't really rate much as mothers, that would be just as ridiculous.

[fedupofnamechanging]

If the dad was doing all the child care and housework and the mum was earning enough to support the family, then I wouldn't think anything of it!

I think that women stay home more because men don't need to take time off for maternity leave and so their earnings and career progression don't dip. Women are still affected by the fact that we physically have the .babies. If more men are to be sahd then society needs to be different

[UniqueAndAmazing]

i do work in a very full time job (i work 6 days a week)
I also work outside of the home.

but i'm self-employed and earn no money at all (in fact, my business is closing in the autumn because the recession means I've made such a loss the last 3 years running that I am in a bit of debt and can't afford to try to turn it around.)
I don't intend to work again once my business closes, not full-time or in a real job, anyway.
I'm going to keep sself-employed status

[juneau]

starfish most couples work this kind of logistic out between themselves and yes, it's usually the DH who works as he's usually the one who earns more. Why is this? Generally, it's because men earn more than women, even for doing the same job.

But either way, having one partner at home makes for a much more harmonious life, from what I can see. If I worked, for instance, all the stuff I do during the week - the washing, the shopping, supervising homework, hair cuts, doctor/dentist/optician appointments, cleaning, general tidying and sorting, play dates, exercise, etc - would all have to be done during the evenings and weekends and the quality of our family life would go down considerably as a result. Therefore, if a family can afford for one partner to work while the other to deals with all the other stuff (and both parties are happy with that arrangement), the whole family benefits IMO.

[treacleturkey]

I do wonder how bored during the day I would get if I wasnt working/at Uni. Personally, I love working because it means I'm still using my brain and I feel like I'm achieving something, and not just a salary. I start feeling low if I'm at home all the time when my dc are at school. But that's just me.

I don't feel comfortable with the fact that some women depend solely on their husbands for financial security. What if he dies/leaves you in the lurch? What will you do for a pension anyway?? It scares me!!

[JustinBsMum]

If my DH died at work I would be seriously rich!!

He is planning to retire v soon so I am not holding my breath (he also pays into a pension for me)

[JackNoneReacher]

Next time ask them "why?"

And be prepared to respond appropriately eg "but i don't need the money", "only boring people get bored". Maybe they'll think twice.

[juneau]

If my DH died at work I would be seriously rich!!

Me too.

I also have a pension.

Really, those of you who 'worry' about women who don't work should mind your own business. We may not work, but that doesn't mean we haven't planned for the future. You don't know someone else's financial circumstances at all.

[MrsKoala]

I really hate this. As others have said patronising and intrusive.

I don't work either and that is an agreement between DH and I. And some people do have jobs that would need someone at home, which is why their salary is earned by both people. I earn 50% of my DHs salary because without me he wouldn't be able to do the job he does. Or to look at it another way you could say i earn my money by DH paying me for the services i provide to him. He would have to pay someone else probably a lot more than he pays me.

He could take a different job, earn much less and i could go to work and we would be about the same as now. But why? I am virtually unemployable and hate work because i am shit at it. This idea that we would all have 'rewarding careers' is laughable. I know few people, male or female, who have 'rewarding careers'. They have jobs. Jobs they hate.

[JackNoneReacher]

Enpanne. It sounds like you measure achievement/betterment in terms of how much money a person earns. Not everyone uses this as a benchmark of success.

As the gap between rich and poor continues to grow im not even sure it can be said that society has progressed in the last 20 years.