AIBU or is he? Money related

[tak1ngchances]

I am really upset this morning and I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or DH is.

We both work in quite well-paid jobs. However, we are paying off debts (extension to the house) and have a car loan. So we don't have a huge amount of disposable income every month. We are also going to have to go for fertility treatment later this year which will be very expensive. I am saving like mad for that and trying to safeguard cash.

DH has wanted a new watch for ages. He has his heart totally set on a Rolex. A few months ago he found a second-hand one that he really wanted and asked me what I thought. I said, I think we should pay off our debts first and then you could save for the watch and buy it in a year or so. He agreed that was v sensible and was grateful for the advice.

He has had a pay rise recently and so last night came into the bedroom and said "I want you to be supportive, I have found the perfect watch and I am going to buy it". I said, right - but I thought you agreed to pay off the debts on the extension first. He said, yes but I can do that and buy the watch (didn't explain how), and there is never a good time to spend that kind of money, I have worked really hard for 9 years and I have always wanted a nice watch.
I said yes I know, but we have expensive fertility treatment coming up and only last week you said we couldn't afford a holiday this year. So I am not sure how you can now afford the watch, and I am not sure it's the best use of money right now. Can you not wait a bit to buy it?

He shouted at me, said he was shaking with rage and how DARE I tell him how to spend the money he earns. He said it is HIS money, and he will never discuss finances with me again if I am going to try and control how he spends it. And he wanted me to be happy for him and now I have ruined the whole thing.
He slept in a different bedroom and is not talking to me today.

I can't really think straight. In a way, he is right - he can spend his money on whatever he likes and maybe it is not my my place to try and influence it. But at the same time, when it is such a big sum of money that it could impact on big things like affording fertility treatment, I think it is a joint decision? What do you all think, what should I do??

Bridget I hope you appreciate the irony of suggesting other posters think men shouldn't have feelings then saying in your next post that fertility treatment matters less to men.

I agree bridgit, it seems unless the man hands over every penny to the woman then she should LTB but a woman is encouraged to keep her earnings and have a secret savings stash should she ever need it. The double standards are rife.

Why assume that the DH will automatically become the only earner when the OP has a child, will it render her incapable of working? Deciding to quit work and expecting another adult to fund that choice has to be something both partners want. Given the DH doesnt have much say in money matters now he's very unlikely to agree to be the sole earner where there will be even less money in the household.

Both adults should have some free money to spend as they wish unless the household budget accounts for every penny. Working hard and having nothing to show for it is very soul destroying. If he can meet his share of the debt repayment and usual bills then he should have a good say in where the rest of his income goes as should you re yours.

Nobody should be handing over any money.

This is about joint ownership.

It is their money, their extension, their holiday, their fertility treatment and their Rolex watch.

They are married and jointly own everything. Therefore the financial decisions should be made together.

I think somewhere in this all one big pot theory, there has to be some flexibility for purchases seen as desirable by one person and daft by another. My ex and I mishandled finances (one reason why we're not together) but I think if I were to do it again, I would look at one big pot plus pocket money. It is bloody annoying to be told that you can't have a watch if you've wanted one for years. And the debt is being paid back and the fertility money is being saved. And, I know, it's not just a watch and some of you found a Rolex for 20p but there has to be some leeway for nonsense purchases. Unless you are really struggling. But the couple here are not really struggling.

If you've wanted one for years and you've got the money.

I am shock at fertility treatment being seen as an expensive indulgence for the woman. She may not be the infertile one!

I think the issue is who wants a baby more, it's irrelevant where the fertility money is spent.

And you want to have a child with this person?

My answer to this depends on what your DH is usually like. It sounds as if he is usually quite careful with money, he?s not constantly spending on himself or extravagant or wasting money? And apart from this he makes big decisions about spending with you, and respects your judgments?

If he buys the watch, do you think he will still be looking at it fondly five years from now, or do you think he will soon get fed up and want some other fancy trinket?

If the answer to the first questions is yes, and if he?s really going to treasure the watch, then although he?s not being reasonable he?s being ? well ? understandable. The watch may have a symbolic value to him, something to do with being successful in life, as well as being a beautiful thing in itself.

He asked you to be supportive ? that doesn?t have to mean saying ?yes? immediately, it could mean admitting you don?t really understand what the watch means to him, but at least acknowledging how important it is to him and giving it serious thought. So maybe he got so angry because it meant a lot to him and you dismissed him out of hand.