AIBU or is he? Money related

[tak1ngchances]

I am really upset this morning and I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or DH is.

We both work in quite well-paid jobs. However, we are paying off debts (extension to the house) and have a car loan. So we don't have a huge amount of disposable income every month. We are also going to have to go for fertility treatment later this year which will be very expensive. I am saving like mad for that and trying to safeguard cash.

DH has wanted a new watch for ages. He has his heart totally set on a Rolex. A few months ago he found a second-hand one that he really wanted and asked me what I thought. I said, I think we should pay off our debts first and then you could save for the watch and buy it in a year or so. He agreed that was v sensible and was grateful for the advice.

He has had a pay rise recently and so last night came into the bedroom and said "I want you to be supportive, I have found the perfect watch and I am going to buy it". I said, right - but I thought you agreed to pay off the debts on the extension first. He said, yes but I can do that and buy the watch (didn't explain how), and there is never a good time to spend that kind of money, I have worked really hard for 9 years and I have always wanted a nice watch.
I said yes I know, but we have expensive fertility treatment coming up and only last week you said we couldn't afford a holiday this year. So I am not sure how you can now afford the watch, and I am not sure it's the best use of money right now. Can you not wait a bit to buy it?

He shouted at me, said he was shaking with rage and how DARE I tell him how to spend the money he earns. He said it is HIS money, and he will never discuss finances with me again if I am going to try and control how he spends it. And he wanted me to be happy for him and now I have ruined the whole thing.
He slept in a different bedroom and is not talking to me today.

I can't really think straight. In a way, he is right - he can spend his money on whatever he likes and maybe it is not my my place to try and influence it. But at the same time, when it is such a big sum of money that it could impact on big things like affording fertility treatment, I think it is a joint decision? What do you all think, what should I do??

[QualityScout]

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Standback from the watch and the money. Look at the situation. Someone being wildly impulsive and then over reacting in an emotional way.

I hate to break it to you but you guys aren't doing fertility treatment later in the year you are going through it right now. This is what everyone talks about when they say it's hard. Both partners act unusually and ovreact - it stretches your relationship to breaking point.

Go for a drink. Tell him u love him. But point out he's out of order. Redo your budget together. Agree together what you're saving and what's fun money. Don't let fertility treatment suck the joy out of your life. And also brace yourself it might not work first time - youcan't put your life on hold to save

[minibmw2010]

I don't think he is unreasonable to have his heart set on a Rolex if he can afford it, though there are a lot of other good watch brands out there that don't cost as much. But it does sound like you are a bit bossy about it all, maybe you feel you have to be as you want to clear the family debt, but it sounds like you burst his bubble big time. Sometimes people just get excited and lose track, but there are ways to bring them back down without just saying no. Also, you say one of the points of your new 'plan' is 'write down our big financial goals (including the watch); clarify how we will achieve them and when'.

That to me just sounds like you're going to tell him what happens from here on in. Now that's quite likely not the case but it's how it reads to me. And that would be the one thing guaranteed to make me go 100% the other way. Stop bossing him about, he's an adult. He may not be making choices you agree with, but unless he's going out every single day and splashing thousands then sometimes he's allowed to spend isn't he? I've been through fertility treatment and I agree it's important, far more important than a watch, but to me this sounds like he's not ready and by using these funds he's hoping to put off the fertility treatment a bit longer. Maybe speak to him about why he'd want the watch over fertility treatment, rather than just why he wants the watch.

[pianodoodle]

He's being a bit of an entitled child.

I wouldn't be apologising. I'd be booking myself a holiday.

[JassyRadlett]

I'd ask what he is personal proposing to sacrifice to fund it. Not you as a couple (holiday, fertility treatment, paying off joint debts), but him personally. Unless he's planning to share the watch with you on a 50/50 basis?

[BridgetBidet]

I can understand as well - working really hard to get a pay rise, taking on extra stress and responsibility, breaking your back to impress your boss.

And then being told that you will see zero return from this as your partner has earmarked the spending for something else.

OP, was the extension your idea? Have you cut back on things such as buying clothes or going out? TBH it sounds like you wanted the extension, wanted a holiday and wanted fertility treatment and you haven't really let him have much say on what your money goes on.

I get the feeling that you are treating all the money as yours and he and the work he puts in to get than money are incidental to your plans.

[usuallyright]

how much does the watch cost?

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Well, his shouting etc is a guilt reaction because you've spelled out all the reasons why his decision is wrong, and irresponsible, and selfish. Not to mention, goes back on what the two of you previously agreed.

I think this sums it up entirely. I don't think he is U for wanting a nice watch and if he's come up with a way to buy it without jeopardising the debt repayments, then fair play to him. The shouting was totally uncalled for, however, and him saying he'll never discuss finances with you again is petty and childish.

[PurpleRayne]

Is it probable that you will become financially dependent on him in the future? How do you both see that working?

[QueenofallIsee]

No matter how hard I work, I would never spend 1000's on a personal item without feeling as though my family/partner was bought in. I have never seen a Rolex cost less than £1000 and can be upwards of 10k.

[BridgetBidet]

QueenofallIsee, if my partner had got an extension and was spending money on fertility treatment then expected to dictate to me that my money would be spent on a holiday they wanted and not the watch I wanted personally I would go and tell them where to stick it.

[hermioneweasley]

Presumably he wanted the extension and is participating in the fertility treatment? Those are things for the family, and he would also get to go on holiday? The watch is his gift to himself, lovely if you can afford it, but it doesn't sound like they can

[OwlinaTree]

Humm i'm guessing when he saw his pay rise he thought 'i can put my share into the debt payment pot and the savings pot just as i always have and have £ extra to spend on myself'. Then was a bit upset that you assumed the extra £ would mean an increase into those pots rather than extra for him. I can see both sides.

You could look at what you both earn and make sure you are proportionally both paying the same into everything. Then whatever's left is for yourselves (treat money). For him the watch in this instance.

If you wanted to feel you were saving more towards your future goals, why not consider putting some of your treat money (the equivalent of his watch) away to spend during your maternity leave? This way you could have a little pot for getting your hair done, buying clothes, going out for lunch with other mums etc while you are not earning and you wouldn't need to feel guilty for using joint money for luxuries. You would feel like you were saving towards the future and he would be getting his treat too.

[HarryTheHungryHippo]

Like owlina I can see both sides and I do think you are being a bit unreasonable not to let him get the watch if he has wanted it for a long time and works really hard. I also agree with a previous poster (sorry forgot your name) who said no matter how happy he'll be once baby is here the fertility treatment is probably more exciting for you.
We have similar, I would love a new bathroom, the thought really excites me. We are both saving and when I said we could put the money towards the bathroom and a deposit for a new car his response was "oh"
To most men it's the boring stuff they like the idea of having but don't want to save the money for. It's how I feel about fixing out stupid hole in our stupid roof that birds keep coming in through
I'd never deny him anything he really had his heart set on and I'd feel equally pissed off if he tried to do the same to me.
Look at this way, this treatment is your Rolex

[MikeOxard]

I would not, in a million years, have children with this man. It's not 'his' money - you're a couple, it's both of yours. He is very selfish, nasty and controlling. He knew your opinion on it, you had discussed it already, so by asking you to 'support' him, really he was saying to you 'I have done exactly what we agreed I shouldn't do, please praise me for it and pretend it's fine, even though we both know you will be upset about it', and when you obviously didn't, he shouted and raged, how dare HE?!

I would run for the hills while you still can.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

treat? is he 5?

I also dont get this idea that he is somehow flogging himself to get a promotion so has earned this. Everyone I know in a job is working hard. There are no passengers where I am.

The cost of living has gone up massively over the last few years so unless OP & her DH have been extremely fortunate their income hasnt gone up with inflation. In this situation spending a pay rise on something frivolous is silly.

[Boosiehs]

I would say that a Rolex is a fucking big treat. It's not like a haircut or even a handbag now is it? And I say that as someone with a 6 figure salary.

Cherist. If I spent that without a discussion with my DH I'd expect more than just an argument!

[Viviennemary]

I can see it a bit from his point of view. But it depends on how much the Rolex costs in relation to what he earns. If it's thousands then he is unreasonable if it's hundreds and you both as you say earn good salaries then that's different. And also he is probably under stress if a lot is going to have to be saved and spent on fertility treatment which others have pointed out sadly doesn't always work. He did ask your opinion.

[ExperienceHunter]

I think YABU actually. Your comment about not being able to afford a holiday - a Rolex would last longer. It'll keep it's value and he's right, there would never be a good time.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

True ExperienceHunter, there is never a good time to spend large amounts of money you cant afford on things you dont need especially when you are supposed to be saving for something different.

I am hoping that the OP's DH isnt a financial adviser!

[Pozzled]

OP, I think he owes you an apology, and I think you have every right to question such a large purchase. Your finances are joint, so it impacts directly on you.

I also don't understand the idea of 'he's worked really hard, so he should be able to have his treat'.

No one is entitled to a Rolex watch, no matter how hard they work. It is a luxury, something which you only buy if you have money to spare after all your essential spending. And there is no way I would spend on luxury items while I had debt to pay off.

IVF is not the same at all, because it is for both partners, and because it is time sensitive- you can't wait ten years until you are in a better financial position.

I've never been in the position of needing IVF, but the comment above from HarryTheHungryHippo that 'the treatment is your Rolex' strikes me as particularly insensitive.

[LineRunner]

Well, I wouldn't have a child with him.

[nkf]

I think I'd let it go tbh. I think it's a daft purchase, but will it make a huge difference to the rest of your life?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

My DH bought himself a new messenger bag last weekend. It was £22 in TKMax. I bought his watch about 20 years ago - it was decent, Tissot, and cost about £500 in the sale. I could afford it. At the time I was on about £120,000 if that puts it in context.

[LadyKooKoo]

Your DH sounds like an idiot and a juvenile. Shaking with rage because he can't have a new toy? How much is this watch anyway? Also, how old is your DH?

[Phineyj]

I am at fertility treatment being seen as an expensive indulgence for the woman. She may not be the infertile one!