To wonder what the bloody secret to contentment is?

[Tailtwister]

AIBU to wonder if contentment exists and if so, how do you damn well get it?

You meet some people who just seem so content with their lives in general and appear to be able to enjoy all the great things and not be overly bothered by the bad. They are often not those who have the most in a material sense, but seem to be so happy with what they do have IYSWIM. I would LOVE to be like that, but I'm just a discontent and dare I say it, jealous person. I hate being like that, but wonder if that's just me, the way I am.

So, all those who are content with their lot. What's the secret? Is it just a mind set which you either have or not?

[Dfg15]

i'm content. i'm divorced, got my own place, have two lovely daughters that I see regularly. I have a well paid job, its pretty boring, but its a job. My life isnt very exciting, but its what I want and what I enjoy. I do what I want, went I want and its great. I have a handful of very good friends and thats all I want really. More money would be good, but I make do with what I have.

[alwaysinamuckingfuddle]

I'm content.

42 now and have grasped it in the last couple of years. I have stepped off the career treadmill and am currently doing a creative (poorly paid) job. I now have time to pootle around in charity shops, shop for food every day or so and cook from scratch. My house is now permanently clean and tidy. I have a great DH.

I also stepped away from Facebook and LinkedIn. I've stopped comparing myself to other people and that helps a lot!

[apatchylass]

hi OP,

I'm very content. In my mind I have everything I've ever wanted: great career, great kids, home, loving husband, brilliant stuff to do in spare time. So much so that almost every day I catch my breath at some point and think: wow - how did I get this lucky?

Looked at through a more negative lens I could say I'm badly overweight with health problems, DH is out of work and has been for some time, the house is a tip and needs repairs we can't afford, I'm not that close to my family and don't have vast numbers of close friends. But even writing that feels very odd, because although it's all true, it's just not how I feel about life - it's very far from what I focus on. I love our big old scruffy home full of pets and plants and books and music. I love my big old scruffy husband, even though he is a grump who brings in very little money, because he's great with the kids and does his share of housework and is very funny and reliable and great at bear hugs and singing silly songs. The DC are brilliant and cuddly and funny and cute.

And so on.

You're right, it's a mindset and it is learnable to some degree. Lots of discontented people won't do the work that leads to contentment. I give thanks every day. You don't have to have faith, or thank anyone or thing in particular, but just list, consciously, on paper, in prayer or in your head, last thing at night all the small good things about that day. Do it every day. It helps you focus on the good stuff. Then it becomes second nature to do so, and the bad stuff loses its power over your happiness day to day.

Quit bitching, gossiping and hanging around people who bitch and gossip. These really do drain you. Keep an ear out for contented people and spend longer chatting to them.

Best advice I was ever given about envy: envy is a good thing. It's a way of learning what you'd like out of life. If you envy one person's home, not someone else's, it's because there's something about that home you aspire towards. Same with career/relationship etc. So you can then take steps to have similar, do similar work, behave in a similar way with people around you. Envy helps you focus on what you want most out of life.

Obviously if you envy six foot tall brunettes and you're five two and blonde, that's envy for something you can't get, but you can still transform that envy into a more useful emotion. It tells you you're not accepting of yourself, so you can then work on ways to feel better about who you are, as well as ways to look better in the skin you're in.

[themaltesefalcon]

Roof over our heads, food, clothes for the kids.

Anything else is gravy.

[thebody]

wine!!!

[LadyLech]

I'm another one who is content with my lot.

I live in an affluent area, and I would say that 90% of the mums at the school gate have bigger houses / better cars and so on than me. Yet, I'm not concerned with any of that.

I think for me, it was the realisation that when you scratch beneath the veneer of these so called 'perfect families', life is actually far from perfect - perhaps some have marital problems, affairs and the like, or the husband works very long hours, or is away a lot, or issues with parents or inlaws, or problems with children. Practically everyone has got their 'issues'. I also think for every positive, there is often an accompanying catch. For example, those who have the very big houses also tend to have husbands who work long hours / works away a lot and so on to pay for it. Life is perfect for very few people, just some cover it up better than others .

As for me, I have a happy marriage, well behaved children who are both clever little things, an interesting and rewarding job. Yes, I get tired with the long hours, yes I've got a small house, yes, I wish I had more disposable income. But I'm content because for me, the fundamentals are right (good marriage, lovely kids, good job and enough money). Of course there's always more. I see amongst my friends who are much better off than me, there is still 'more'. However, all the money / houses / cars in the world won't make you happy if the fundamental things in life aren't right.

My nan is in her 80s. She usually hasn't got two pennies to rub together, but she has a large family who all regularly pop in to see her, and do whatever she wants. She regularly says that she thinks she's a millionaire because of she's got the main thing that's important to her - family. I think that's a nice attitude.

[burntthedinner]

Being accepting of what happens makes me content - it doesn't matter what it is or what other people have so long as I don't blame myself for either having stuff or not having it.
Taken a while to get to this point though.

[Justforlaughs]

I think I'm pretty content, my only ambition is to see my children well and happy (touch wood), I would like to be able to give my children a bedroom each but can't afford to, but I don't let it eat me up. Accept what is, and enjoy what you have rather than concentrating on what you don't.

[tholeon]

Being constantly aware of how lucky I am to have been born where and when I was, rather than say two hundred years ago or in Afghanistan.

Having two lovely children after years of infertility.

Puts all the small stuff in perspective.

[worsestershiresauce]

I am content, finally, and do you know how I got there? By having the worst year of my life and nearly losing everything. I've said it before and I'll say it again - sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to appreciate what you really have.

So for anyone struggling take a long hard look at what you have, and now imagine how you feel if you lost it all.

[PedantMarina]

It's not a binary, it's a scale.

I was watching Extras the other day (the "Christmas" one, where Andy is famous (lead in a sitcom, got a catchphrase and everything), but Not Famous Enough, and his friend tries to talk sense into him that nothing will ever be enough, and he doesn't geddit. I think he's at an extreme end of a scale. I used to be like this (apart from rich & famous, of course). Now I'm a bit more content, but nowhere near what I'd like to be.

And I agree that sometimes having children makes you less content, like, on their behalf. You want a better life for them, and it throws into sharp relief if your own life isn't where you want it to be. Most of my discontent days is knowing that through a confluence of events, it may well be that we'll NEVER be able to buy a house for DS to inherit, for instance.

[Back2Two]

I spent many years being very discontented. I think it was an emotional need that wasn't met.

I didn't know what I wanted and therefore wasn't aiming for a goal...I've never been career minded and I've never really been into material things very much at all so I wasn't craving those things.

I had a very unsettled childhood/early adulthood and, although I was popular enough, I always felt "out of place" I guess my discontentment was very much being envious of other people's confidence and the fact that everyone else seemed to just "know" how to live and be happy.

I partied a lot through my discontentment...but I did some good things too, like travelling and getting a professional qualification.

Because my mum and dad were not happy together I don't think I knew to aspire to a happy relationship. I never wanted marriage or children....I was violently independent but really it was the emotional side of life that I was craving stability in.

I did go to counselling and try to sort my head out and I don't know if that helped. In the end I met my dh when I was travelling and we now have two gorgeous boys.

Like some other people, I genuinely feel shocked sometimes at how lucky I am. I think I expected so little so I now feel I have so much. I'm full of love for my family, I have friends from my party days and new friends who don't need to know what I used to be like.....I (mostly) have confidence in myself, my body, the way I dress. Being a wife and mother has given me roles in life that I love so I know "who" I am now.

I've always been very lucky in that I've never known poverty or really struggled with money. Now, we both work and we have money....not stacks of it but we have a nice house in a nice little community part of a city. We don't care much about flashy material things but we have the luxury of choosing not to care about them!

I don't read magazines or watch TV so I don't see many ads or music videos and stuff that portrays images of women that I could never be like.

I'm really really content with my day to day life and don't look too much further than the next weekend.

Sometimes I wish I looked younger....

[Back2Two]

I had PND really badly twice .... I think I still look at my children with absolute wonder and amazement because the first months of both their lives were fairly horrendous emotionally for me. It was so black that to get out of that and be where i am now still has a positive impact.

[Cherrypi]

I think the secret is have something bad happen to you to make you appreciate life. Have an introverted personality. Avoid advertising. Have enough money to cover the basics easily. Have realistic expectations.

[RedBushedT]

I'm a contented person. I think a lot of it is mindset. I always look for the best in everything, and by that I mean that I actively look for the positive in every day, in every person I meet and everything I'm doing.
As a few others have mentioned, following bereavements it gets easier to find contentment as you are naturally more mindful. I found that after certain relatives died, I really wanted to make changes to my life. So I did!
I have a very optimistic (naive) temperament and I like looking for ways to improve my life and others.
As others have said, it's not about having stuff. Following my divorce money is extremely tight, but if you try hard enough there is joy to be found in the balancing of a budget! Look, I didn't over spend!
Find joy in the little things
And regarding the jealousy thing, just let it go. I have a few friends who are extremely wealthy. I don't worry about it. I can't compete with them financially, but they want to be friends with me despite my poverty Lol. I hope it's because I'm a warm, nice and caring person. I'm not jealous of what they have, I am happy that they are comfortable and I use it as something to aspire to..

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Back2 said "I spent many years being very discontented. I think it was an emotional need that wasn't met." And Cherry said "I think the secret is have something bad happen to you to make you appreciate life."

Very interesting. I can't remember when I was content. I think you're right about it being an emotional need. For me, I think the emotional need is sharing a bond with someone and going through both good times and bad times together. The fact they go through the crap and stick with you is what can help bring contentment, that you're not doing it alone.

In terms of something bad happening to you making you appreciate life, it doesn't always work that way, I'm afraid. I have had so much death and disability with my closest friends and what little family I have in the last 18 years (I am now 39 and have been to the same number of funerals) you'd think I would value life hugely. I did for a while, but the more shit that gets heaped upon you and the people you care most about and you tend to think that, actually, life is very often rubbish.

[Dededum]

I have just been diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis, all before my 45th birthday. That totally puts everything into perspective, life is just a little bit brighter and clearer.

Small things, managed to walk to my friends house, 10 minute down the road, have some wine and walk back without falling over, too much discomfort, that was an achievement. Now I don't bemoan the things that I can't do more celebrate the things I can do.

[tumbletumble]

For me, it's not related to anything bad happening to me - I just seem to be a naturally content person and always have been.

[cory]

I find both dh and I have become more contented since we had dd. Not just appreciating what we have, but because she has quite serious problems which are life long, so it becomes very clear that her attitude is going to have to carry her through. She has to have mindfulness because she can't afford not to. And the only people she can learn that from is us.

So I've had to become that person. The person who doesn't look over her shoulder at other people, the person who always comes up with a Plan B, the person who can think of a self deprecating joke at the grimmest of times.

It isn't about whether I feel appreciative or not. It's something I have to do, for dd.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I should add that I don't envy other people or their possessions. I do have some lovely friends and I AM thankful for them.

I do wonder if some people are genetically or hormonally just naturally more content. I know some people who are totally and utterly content no matter what. They have no reason why, when I ask them. They say they just are and always have been generally content and happy.

[cloudskitchen]

It's the age old grass is always greener...when in reality its really not. I grew up in a very affluent area of the country and I can quite honestly say a lot of my peers were no happier than anyone else. I think ambition it a great thing but with it comes a degree of disconnect because you arw always striving for the next goal, the old goal that was going ro be the one that would make you happy long forgotten. I am content these days as I admire and aspire to other people's lives. I also let my self be inspired by other people but I try not to covet what other people have as I have such a lot myself

[whiteandyellowiris]

mainly I think, thinking about what you want, rather than what society expects of you

if your happy at home, then great

I don't think comparing yourself to people that have less/worse lives is a healthy thing or good so I don't agree with that

but just stop wanting things that you feel are the done thing
and seek what you want

and appricate things in your life