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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of having DC

100 replies

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 20:54

I am a successful woman in early 30s. DP and I have been together for a long time and are getting married next year.

Our 20s were a bit rough due to ill health and house problems. Kind of felt a bit cheated but we are where we are and I'm generally fortunate.

Anyway I am getting to the point of thinking it's now or never. Tbh, I'm really not that bothered. DP claims he isn't either but if fab with kids. I am scared of the pregnancy restrictions, the birth, the nappy years.... You name it I'm not keen. If someone could just hand me a 4yr old that'd be dandy

Am I being a big wuss or should you really really want the nappy years etc before TTC?

We're just slightly short of bring able to afford a lot of help and in 5 years we almost certainly could, but I don't know if I have 5 years. To be honest I'm not sure I want kids at all....

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 23/07/2013 21:02

I was you. One day it was like a switch was flicked and I wanted children. I wouldn't have had children had it not happened. Now I have children, I love them completely and wouldn't have it any other way.

They are fucking hard work though; pregnancy was wretched, long tough deliveries, birth injuries (now all healed thank goodness), wouldn't sleep, still don't sleep, really determined, massive toddler tantrums etc. etc.

If I hadn't felt so strongly that I wanted children, I would have really struggled. I mean sometimes I still do struggle, but it's OK because deep down I love them so much. I think it would have been easy to regret them otherwise, and that wouldn't be fair to them. It's hard to realise just how much your life changes until it's actually happened and it changes completely. Nothing is the same. You never ever stop thinking about them and worrying about them.

If I was you, I would think long and hard about exactly what you're considering putting yourself though.

McNewPants2013 · 23/07/2013 21:05

just come off contraception and see what happens, once you are pregnant you have the baby it just comes to you some how

MurderOfGoths · 23/07/2013 21:06

Haha, I felt the same before having DS. Think there's a line in Gormenghast where Lady Gormenghast sees her newborn and says, "hmmph, bring him back to me when he's 5". And that's pretty much how I felt.

Did feel differently once I had DS, and have loved every stage despite how hard it can be. But it is a big change, not so much when they are newborn, they kind of fit in around you, but as they turn into toddlers? That's a lot tougher. More rewarding definitely, but hard work!

Hard to know how you'll really feel until you do it, so just give yourself some time.

noblegiraffe · 23/07/2013 21:09

Do you want to spend the rest of your life not having kids? Because it's not just about now. No kids, no possibility of grandkids, no one to visit you in your nursing home...would you regret it?

I never felt broody, but I now have two DC. I had the first because I had reached the age I had earmarked as motherhood. He was bloody difficult and there were many times I didn't want another, but I then reached the time I'd earmarked as 'reasonable age gap' and had another, because I didn't want a future where my DC was an only child.

I love them. Life is very different, but I think it would be rather emptier and more shallow without them.

Remotecontrolduck · 23/07/2013 21:10

Don't have them, it's not compulsory. Loads of people don't, the ones I know don't regret it either.

It will change your life forever, it's really not something you want to do unless you're certain and committed!

themaltesefalcon · 23/07/2013 21:10

Is adoption an option for you?

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 21:12

It's so hard to say. Some people get the "switch" thing like MrsTittleMouse described - I certainly did. I knew I wanted children some day but wasn't sure when, then suddenly I became broody and having children was all I could think about. I didn't care about how hard it would be I just had to do it. It was bizarre how strong the feeling was and when DH came round to the idea (took a couple of months) I cried with relief. Same thing happened again for DC2 - considered having a second then bam! broody again and along came dd. I've said I'm not having a third but if I get that broody feeling again I'm not sure I'll be able to resist it.

I don't think you have to have that broody feeling before having children but it helps make the decision easier!

Why not hang on for a year or so? See if broodiness hits, or if you come round to the idea, or if you decide that it's not for you?

It is a tough decision, it's a huge decision, and I understand your wariness.

Whothefuckfarted · 23/07/2013 21:12

If you don't know if you want kids or not, i'd wait...

Thurlow · 23/07/2013 21:15

It is terrifying, it really is. I wanted children, though DC was a surprise pg not long before we were thinking about trying (i.e. probably being a bit unconsciously lax with contraception!) and I remember thinking when I hit about 24w "well, this is it, I can't change my mind now" - and being very scared by that thought.

There are things that are probably huge parts of your life now that are much harder to do when you have DC, like going out, seeing friends, going to the cinema etc., and they can seem like such big things before you have DC. I'm not saying everyone magically doesn't mind once their DC are here, but it's not as much of a bother as you think it might be.

You do still have plenty of years ahead of you. While generally most people don't regret having kids, its not something to rush into. Take your time and think about it. The first few years can be very hard, but it will get easier. Try and think about your life in thirty years time: is it without kids, or with kids?

Oh, and not everyone is good at every stage of parenting. With hindsight I didn't mind the newborn stage. The burgeoning toddler stage is proving not to be my particular forte. So I mean that it's fine to see certain stages as "this too shall pass" stages!

Trills · 23/07/2013 21:16

You don't actually have to have children if you think you would not like it.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:17

I'm kind

OP posts:

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:19

I'm kind of heading towards wait, but I'm 32. DO says he doesn't care, but is wonderful with children. I am desperately awkward until they get talkative

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MurderOfGoths · 23/07/2013 21:20

Me too, I'm crap with other kids. I find them confusing because I can't have an adult conversation with them.

MorrisZapp · 23/07/2013 21:23

You don't sound like you want a baby. So don't have one.

I did the 'oh shit I'm nearly 40' baby thing and it was so fucking hard. So hard.

If you're happy now, why throw a hand grenade into your lovely life?

CailinDana · 23/07/2013 21:25

I know it might sound a strange thing to say but there's a massive difference between your own children and other people's children. You are connected to your children in a really special way. You might not be great at chatting to them but you still love them madly and want to take the best care of them possible. There is a world of difference between a child you only see now and again and a child who grew inside you, who you've fed and nurtured and seen grow every day of their life.

noblegiraffe · 23/07/2013 21:26

I'm rubbish with other people's babies, when colleagues used to bring them in to show them off I'd actively avoid them. It's completely different with your own, I cooed and cuddled and sang lullabies with the best of them.

The problem with waiting as you approach your mid thirties, is that you're still a reasonable age to have your first, but if you decide you want more, you're heading into the age where it's not as easy for your second.

Thurlow · 23/07/2013 21:29

It is different with your own kids. I was rubbish with other people's kids, and I am rubbish with any children older than DC is now.

maternitart · 23/07/2013 21:30

You sound a bit like me 18 months ago. I then decided I did want kids someday as did my DH but it was still a shock when I fell pregnant within 2 weeks of starting trying.

My baby is now 7 months and yes it is hard work sometimes but it's also the best thing I've ever done. We have no help.

What in particular are you scared of? Pregnancy is only 9 months, so restrictions don't last forever. Nappies are fine, disgusting at times but in a hilarious way. Most people have straightforward births. The hardest thing for me so far is lack of sleep and having the same levels of freedom I was used to before, but I know when DC is older this will improve.

There's a lyric from a song I like which sums up how I feel perfectly:

And the question is, was I more alive
Then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now, I cry more often now
I am more me.

OrganixAddict · 23/07/2013 21:31

Being crap with other peoples babies doesn't mean you'll be crap with your own. I was the anti-baby whisperer - hand me a baby and it would instantly start to cry and tbh I didn't 'get' babies, never found them cute etc.
But I had dc as knew I wanted them in my life, families, home for Xmas, grandkids etc. And I was great with MY baby, seriously had the best time (maybe as I had low expectations?).
Anyhow what am trying to say is if you don't want dc, don't have them. But if you do and its just your experience / view of babies putting you off, remember it will be very different when it is YOUR baby in your arms.

BrianButterfield · 23/07/2013 21:33

DH and I often said to each other we'd be delighted with a child but didn't really want a baby. We gritted our teeth and decided it had to be done and the first year or so was something to be endured.

Well, it turned out we loved DS from the word go and took great joy and pleasure in his babyhood. He is our little prince and we dote on him entirely, and we're now having DC2 which we never ever wanted!

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best ;-)

ChocChaffinch · 23/07/2013 21:34

what about fostering a 4yo?

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:38

I guess 9 months seems a long time because of the problems in our 20s. I reckon I'd want DP following then too (in my company anyway).

Beyond that I travel 3 times a month for work, earn the larger wage, love the gym, the cinema, martial arts, climbing. Basically would be a complete 180 for me...

I live DP dearly, but I still expect I'll pick up more than I ought of the non-fun stuff.

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ChocChaffinch · 23/07/2013 21:40

see how you feel after you're married. wedding's a big thing, get it all planned and have a big relaxing honeymoon.. then reconsider.

or if you read that and your initial thought was 'owh.. but..' then start trying now!!

Original poster

PosyNarker · 23/07/2013 21:40

That said, I like 3+, enjoyed spending time with my friends and their daughter. Not a total child hater!

Still find little ones full on though, but I guess they are...

OP posts:

purrpurr · 23/07/2013 21:41

32 isn't old. Your time is not up. More to the point, if you don't want kids, don't have them. Certainly don't come off contraception and 'see what happens' as suggested previously. Children are not compulsory. You could spend a lifetime doing fun and interesting things, you could retire early, move abroad, or buy a holiday home somewhere hot, all with the money you will save by not having children.

Having a tiny red faced baby screaming and inconsolable when you didn't really want kids in the first place would be a nightmare. No way.

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